Letting go...

OK, so I have spent the last couple of days having a few hissy fits. And where has it gotten me? Into quite a bundle. I feel like I used to. Of course, nobody reading this has any idea who I am, so you have no idea what that means. I was that person who was unhappy for no reason at all.

Well, of course there were reasons. There are always reasons to be unhappy, if you look hard enough. But, I was that person who had every reason to be happy, but I was just so determined to be unhappy that I created a world that became unbearable.

At this point I want to go into how horrible my world became, but I just don't think that I am going to do that. Because for the past couple of days that is what I have done. I have sat and thought about how terrible things are and what can I do to change them. Well, if I just sit and think about how things are terrible, then what am I going to get? Ugh... I am still talking about it!

I am tired of talking about my husband and his lack of seeing it my way. I am tired of thinking of a way out. The way out is coming. I feel it. So, now it is time to act. Nothing is going to get done by just thinking of the negative "yuk".

So, enough of the "darkness". The thing is, I am tired. And I mean, physically tired. And the reason is because I take medicine. Not a whole load of it, but a certain type, just one, that makes me tired. I take this for a condition in my mouth that is unknown. It started about four years ago now. They cannot figure out the cause. It burns uncontrollably most of the time.

I think at this point I am going to go into a memory that I haven't gone into in a long time. I may end up erasing it, but we shall see...

The pain was so severe and the prognosis was not good. The doctors were ignoring me, for they could find nothing wrong. No one believed me. I remember one night at two in the morning sitting up and thinking that there was no way that I could live with that type of pain. I had written a letter and everything. The doctors had told me that I was going to be living with it for the rest of my life and I would have to learn to deal with it because there was no medicine to cure it. The bottle of pills was there on the table. It would be so easy to get rid of the pain. Just like that. Oh, God, it hurt so bad. Somehow, I made it through that night (and many more like it).

That occured about 2 years ago. I think that once you have almost taken your life, you have a new perspective on life. You see things very differently.

That put things in a very neat nutshell. It was hell, and now it is over. I decided last year that I was done with thinking about my pain. I decided that if I was going to have to live with the pain then I was going to simply ignore it and live my life to the fullest instead. Once that decision was made, then the pain subsided quite a bit. There are even days when it is not there at all.

But, for the past few days it has been there, and I am having a bit of a time ignoring it. And I think it is because I am thinking about ditching my medicine. I am tired of being tired. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, but I can't seem to get anything done.

There is quite a bit of research out there about pain and the subconcious mind. I have done a little bit about it, but I think that I need to do a bit more. I want to go back to work, and my husband needs me to. My salary will not bring us very much right now.

That is not the point. Once I do go back to work, that will give him peice of mind to do what he needs to do. He is so down in the dumps right now that he cannot concentrate. My paycheck will allow him to "feel" like he has some help. I have stayed home with my children for 5 years and it what they know for the most part.

OK, that really sounds like I am getting past it, huh? I guess that I was not. Maybe I was on a very big high when I started this blog, and now I am just going through a bit of a low. But, isn't that what writing is all about. I am imagining myself sitting around a table with a group of friends. If I was doing that, would we really just be talking about the good times? Wouldn't we share all of our feelings? Wouldn't the rough times come out, too?

I have held in my feelings for a very long time, and now I am ready to let it out. I think that is what this journey is for me. That is what this road is for me. To get rid of the bad. To let it out. What I am finding I have to be careful of, however, is not to get caught up in them. Not to let them pull me back in. For, there, of course, is so much more.

If I can have the courage to write it all out, then maybe, I really can let it all go. It may be painful, but, hmmm... wouldn't it be nice to get rid of it all. That is an interesting concept. Letting go...