All in a day's work

Well, another 20 in. That's 20. Just got to figure how to invest that... hmm..

I guess what I might try to do today is get excited about what I did in the last 24 hours. What I think that I would really like to do right now is reflect about how my life was only a year ago. I was that person who was in what everyone refers to as a "funk". A serious "funk". And I was the typical person who had absolutely no reason to be in a funk.

I have the great husband and the great kids and the great dog. I get to stay home with my kids, and they are in school. What better life than that? I have college degrees, yet I want to be home when my kids get home. I love being a mom, yet I was depressed. I had been depressed for over 3 years. I was not diagnosed with it, but there was no denying it.

I had lost my purpose in life. I take that back. I think that I really never found my purpose. I think that I really never dug deep enough to really want to know what my purpose was. And, then, about a year ago, I began doing some soul searching. I guess I just got sick of being "sick". I just got sick of myself. I wanted to be a better person. I was so tired of being a sloth. I was tired of being drain on myself.

On the outside looking in, we were the perfect family. Soccer mom, well-dressed kids, husband on the rise... you know that family in the somewhat small town on the rise. But, on the inside, I was falling apart. Only those that knew me well really knew what was going on. We were all hiding it. I was losing friends and family quickly.

And, finally, like I said, last year, about this time, I made a decision, to just stop it. I turned 40, ironically. I had heard that 40 was a pivotal year for many people and it surely was for me. It was like my eyes opened for the first time. I began to see things differently. I began to finally be thankful and forgiving. I cried a lot--alot. But, they were tears of release. I just left all of that depression behind. I turned off my television, which had been my crutch. I saw my husband for the man that he was and my children for the gifts that they were and my life has been so unbelievable since.

I am summing all of that up into a neat little package. It took some time. Several months of serious thoughts, meditation (which I had never done, since I thought that was saved for the gurus of the world), reading, journal writing, and just plain letting go.

It was just my time finally to be happy. It worked on every level. I am the happiest person that I know. That is not an exaggeration. I began by saying, "OK, what do I want to do with my life now?" The first thing that popped into my head was "I want a million dollars". But, I let that go because I thought that it was a little too big and materialistic. So, then I moved on to my weight. Then, I thought the same thing-- to vain. Then, I moved on to family issues, etc. And then I decided, you know, I just want to find Love. Real love. I want to know what that is.

Well, i thought that would be the easiest, since I assumed that I was a good person. But, once I asked for that, geez, over about the next month I cried so much that Kleenex owes ME money. I was astonished by the amount of love that came flowing through me for everyone and from everyone. I just didn't know. I had just missed it by being either so busy with my own self-indulgent depression or my self-indulgent tasks to notice. There was love everywhere I looked.

Anyway, once that was accomplished, the weight issue was next, lost that quickly. So, then I lived in my new happy, loving, body for awhile. It was really like I was floating. I was 40 and had never been like this before... And just wondering how I had missed it for so long. (Yeah, I sound like a character from a Disney film).

Anyway, that is when I began to realize that maybe my first goal was what I was shooting for all along, for it was the first thing I wrote down. I had never even thought of a million dollars before. So why now? So, here we are with that. But, I knew that from reading that the road to millions leads to other roads... mainly roads of growth within yourself.

So, today was a perfect example...finally getting to the point. I have been reading as you know to go out of your comfort zone and push to be different every day. And do what you will do with success. Each success you make will lead to more... So that is my plan each day, to do something different to try to open a new door..

So...Last night at 11pm, I was out in the torrential rain with my husband and we were watching "My Chemical Romance" with my 14 year old son and 3 of his friends until 1 am. It rained the entire time. If you do not know this band, they are way beyond punk rock. I agreed to take them because 1. My son can play every song of theirs on the guitar back and forth and practices religiously 2. It was his birthday 3. To do something like that for him fills my soul to the brim

Ok. . So, we got in about 1:30 from that completely soaked and then after that there was a beautiful lightening storm happenening. It was the leftoever lightening that keeps the sky bright for about an hour after the storm. I can't resist those. I drove about a mile from our home after dropping the boys off and went to watch the storm while sitting in the car. I was just in awe of what beauty the sky can give to us if we will be patience and pay attention.

Then, when i got up, went and spent 3 hours talking with my 94 year old grandmother who is still as spry as you and I. She was thrilled to see me and one of my kiddos. It is good to have one on one time with her. She and I are very close, but I am always in a hurry going here and there, so I never really stop and sit down and listen to her stories. Today, I made a concious effort to do so. She went on a trip around the world, literally, about 30 years ago. She visited 15 countries on her trip. She told me all about it, among other things. It's easy to forget that your grandparents were once in your place. Ironically, directly behind here was a portrait of her when she in her 20's. While she was talking, I was able to picture her living as that young girl. Until that moment I had always pictured her only as my grandmother. But through her stories, I was able to picture her as she was at that time.

Afterwards, went to 3 stores to find a Powerglider for my second son. (If you have ever dealt with Wal-Marts and Targets on a Saturday afternoon, that is a &%*@ adventure in itself). A Powerglider is a scooter "thing" for kids, that has to be "easily" assembled. Yeah, right. Found it. Then came home and put it together. That was a feat that made me feel like Wonder Woman when I finished! (While this paragraph may seem like no big deal, the whole Powerglide adventure took about 4 hours. Normally, my patience would have been shot. But, before we left to go find it, I took a decent vow of patience to get through it, knowing that we would probably have to scour the city. It really made a difference deciding beforehand that I would deal with the obnoxious traffic and parking. It's a little thing, but I swear, it made a difference.)

It was just a concert. It was just a talk with my grandmother. It was just a Powerglider. But, these were 3 things that made a difference to people in my life that are important to me. They were things that taught me patience. Each little act of success leads to another. That is what I am learning...