Letting out the real deal..

Put 80 more dollars into the stash... movin' on up...

We have Dave Ramsey as our guru right now. Someone on the blog suggested him to me, and so, see...now I am listening quite intently to him and following his practices. And, sad to say, I wasn't before. It just never occurred to me to live life the way he is suggesting. What a big difference it is going to make in our lives. We have to get started on it soon.

We have already got a baby step done...

We have established an emergency fund.... Hubby doesn't know about that one. Like I said, he is not on board like I am, but he will be when he finds out how well it works.

Next, we are cutting out some expenses. This is a little more difficult for us, for we are used to living like "ken and barbie"

We are going to stop the lawn care that comes and spray the weeds, we are going to stop the house cleaning services, we are going to go down to basic cable (that will be a tough one for the big guy) We are going to stop going out to eat as much as possibile or any at all.. (also a big one). We will spend no money in vending machines for I will not keep cash on me. I only have a debit card and since I know that he checks it daily, he will know what I spend.

Those are a few of the first ways we will stop spending and I am thrilled with so many more ways that we will stop. This is the first summer that we will not be going on a vacation. The kids will be less than enthused, so I will make it up to them by being an extra great mom at home.

You, see the problem that we have, I am going to lay it out there for you all to see right now, is that we owe, just in unsecured credit card bills over 136, 000 dollars. Not small change.

But, guess what, that does not deter me in the least. It came on by a rough habit by someone in my family who was going through a rough time. I think he is about done with it, so now it is time for me to help him get his lfe back to together. That is part of the journey. If we can successfully beat this... which we will....OH MY LANDS! What else can we beat...

So, I have to help him understand that we conquer it one day at a time and one bill at a time. And we pay a little extra here and there, and we only focus on getting it paid, not what we owe.

So, that is my inner most gossip. But, as shocking as it may sound to anyone reading it, it does not faze me in the least. It is just money, just paper. And after all I have been through in my life, we can handle paper. We will get control of this. We are doing the research that is teaching us how to do so. And we are ready for the ball to start rolling. But, I guess it has already, because we are starting to feel it getting under our control instead of letting it control us. We will make it, because that is what we do.

We have a goal to reach and the only wasy to reach goals is to go through a few obstacles...

TRYING to be different..?

Well, I am trying so hard to be this great blogger. Trying to add pictures and all and change my background. I have no idea what I am doing. I tried one day to change the background with some other website, but I didn't make much progress. It just basically took it all away. I know that I probably could if I put a little more effort into it. But, I spent 3 hours that day and got nowhere.

It is all so foreign to me and I feel so useless. I know that is what it is all about: just keep trying, but I am just so lost. All that talk of HTML and all. I did finally succeed at putting ADWORDS on here, but then I decided that wasn't the way I wanted to go about it. I didn' t really like the ads that they put on there. So, if someone really does know a way for me to do the background and can really walk me through it with the patience of JOB, I would really appreciate it.

I want so badly to have a cool blog with the pictures and all, but so far, I just feel lost there. That is part of the journey, you know, to succeed at something I have never done before. And this would be a really good start for me. To have a uber great (in the words of Raffy Jay) blog. I do enjoy the writing, but I would love to have a great background to go with it. I saw one that I really liked by Final Girl. It was so creative and funny. Her headline at the top was hilarious.

When I come to someone's blog and they have such an appeal to them, that really is such an eye-grabber, I know you all know what I am talking about.

One other thing that I really do want to mention here is the response that I have gotten from everyone. I have been so surprised that I have not been slammed by everyone. I can tell you right now that if I were to mention my goal to anyone in my family that they would tell me that I was crazy. That, of course, is the reason that I don't. They would tell me to be completely practical. I am so done with that. I am forty and have been practical my whole life, and that way of thinking has got me nowhere.

Of course, that is not true either. I have a husband and 3 wonderful kids. But, we have made mistakes and now we are ready to rectify them. I have made more than my share of mistakes by being practical, by not setting goals and by not looking ahead and trying to be the best that we can be.

I think that it is PERFECTLY okay to live practically, if that is all that is wanted. But, for me, now, it is no longer enough. And the response that I have received from everyone that is commenting has been so overwhelming at times, I have actually been drawn to tears.

Honestly when I began this blog, I thought that I would have to go on the defense for stating this goal, but it has been completely the opposite. I have had people defending ME. People have been routing for me. That has thrown me off gaurd and has made me have to go in another direction. I have said it before that it has made me become accountable for my actions, like I am not only doing it for myself anymore.

Many people have actually said that they are giving me love. I know, I know, that it is "just people typing". But, here's the thing. It is PEOPLE typing. I am a person typing. And I know how I feel when I type and I know that I have feelings and I don't just throw my love around. So, when I read the love after love after love, it starts to sink in, and I feel it. That is why love is such a powerful force.

That is also why faith is so powerful. That is why I am so glad that I started it. That is also why I know that this big ole' world is not so big after all and that I am not so small in it. And that each of us plays such a vital part in each other's lives. I am living proof of it. Someone completely across the world makes my day almost every day now. Tht is truly powerful. Any book that is recommended to me, I order it and I am in the process of reading it. Any film that is recommended to me, I am trying to find it and watch it.

For I feel that if someone takes the time to tell me about something, then it must be worth my time to take me farther on this journey. I really do feel that they have my best interest at heart. I am looking at every opportunity to live this life I have to the fullest. The comments that have been left for me are not just half-hearted, they have been heart felt, and I am grateful and I think of you all daily.

And that is saying a lot, since I have three kiddos who fill up my day pretty completely. Right now, I am nursing my husband who fell playing tennis 3 nights ago, and when I saw him fall, I mean-- he crashed. It was a minor game, but it was our first family outing tennis game of the summer and he nailed the net and the court all in one whack. See, we could have made 10,000 dollars right there towards our millions if we had had a camera for funniest home videos! (No broken bones)

But, to fall when you are 40 is a big fall! No real moral in the story, just thought that I would let you all in on what is going on here. I had a few good moral stories to share, but got all caught up in the frustrations of trying to change my page and my gratitude of your comments...

So, I guess I will let it go there... Thank you and thank you

A Sour Face

Put 40 more dollars in. For those of you that are new to this blog, you probably can tell by the title, I am on my way to a million dollars. I throw a little in here and there into a savings account. I am not telling all the specific financial details of it all. That would get way too personal and I know that. Plus, I think it might be a little bit tacky. But, it is good for me to be accountable, so I do tell of the little "bits" that I put in.

That keeps me from spending it on fast food or other little things unncessarily. For example, this weekend we went for fast food and instead of spending 20 dollars for five of us, we spent 13 each time. No, that is not a million dollars, but it is moving us that way. Yes, it is. It is hard to see that if you are looking at the small picture...

But, if you are looking at the big picture. It is there. It really is there. Every little bit helps. My husband has begun to see it too. "How do you eat an elephant?.......

"One bite at a time" That is his analogy. Not mine. And for those of you that haven't been following this blog, you have to know that my husband has been hard pressed to get on board this goal with me. Anyway,

All that said to say that the whole introduction about the money was to just say, again, for anyone that is new to the blog that I am just going to say that the goal really isn't about the money at all. I say it all the time just to re-empasize it. I have found over and over in my research that the money is just a perk. Most of the people who have money are actually people who live very extraordinary lives. They are champions in many ways that don't have very much to do with money at all.

They became champions within first. They had to win before the money came. You have to succeed before you can get money. Therefore, that is really my goal. To become a success at what I do in my life. To continually stive to become better and better at what I do. It is very hard to do. But, the more I try, the easier it is becoming.

One of the main things that I have had to realize is that no one can do it for me. I have blamed other people for things that have happened in my life, and that is a new concept to me. To take responsiblity for things. That is a hard thing to wrap myself around. Whenever I criticize ANYTHING in anyone, I have had to look at that situation completely different and see it from their point of view and then see how it could apply to me..

That brings me to my point... Did I take too long to get to the point? Maybe... Yeah, that's what I do. (Can you even phathom what my husband has to deal with?)

Yesterday, I was driving through my neighborhood. There were some kids riding on their bikes down the street. They had towels around their necks like they were going swimming, and they were about 10 years old. They were so carefree and looked so happy. All I could think of was how I used to be and how fun those times were.

I slowed my car down to make sure they didn't swerve out into the road in front of me, because kids will be kids. They were so involved in their swimming adventure that I was sure they weren't paying much attention to me. Plus, they were talking to each other across the road and not even looking at my car. But, I didn't care, for I was so happy for them. They were getting to be kids.

Then, a woman came by in another car the other way. She didn't have quite the same attitude that I had. She purposely slammed on her brakes and mouthed, "Damn Kids!" The kids' expressions quickly changed to fear as they went to the side of the road and put their feet to the ground and waited for her to past. The look on her face was so sour and her eyebrows were knit together so tightly that she looked like one of those evil characters on a cartoon. I was scared for the kids.

Don't you remember those adults who were like that? Don't you remember being scared of those people? I felt what those kids were feeling right then, and I was so mad at that lady for making them feel like that. I thought, "Why don't you just let them be kids? Why do you have to be so sour?" I got myself a little worked up about it all in about 10 seconds.

But, then in the next 5 seconds, she had driven away, and I looked in my rear view mirror and guess what I saw? The kids were back on their bikes and their were laughing again. They were riding and they had forgotten the lady with the sour face! They were off for their swimming adventure once again...

How had they done that? Why weren't they mad at her? How had they forgiven her that quick? I thought about it all they way home...

This is what I came up with. Those kids had it all figured out. Her unhappiness just didn't matter. Her unhappiness was not their unhappiness. It was OK for them to be happy and her unhappiness was not directed specifically at THEM. They were able to see it for what it was. A momentary peice of time. They didn't have to hold onto it like we do as adults. We start thinking of things and analzying and questioning everything that people do.

I was so impressed with the way that those children handled that woman's anger. They did stay on the side of the road.. so they did learn from their mistake.

But, they did not let her unhappiness become their unhappiness.

Also, I began to think about her unhappiness and I realized that their could have been a million reasons why she was unhappy. A death in the family, finances, an abusive spouse... so many reasons. But, the fact is, I have to realize that if someone is unhappy, there is a reason. We are born happy and only circumstances make us unhappy.

It is up to me to keep myself happy. I was letting her sour face make me mad. That was unfair in so many ways. I have no idea what she was going through to make her act that way. And, also, how many times have I reacted to situations like that? More times than I care to say, I am sure. I am not sure I have said those exact words, but then again, maybe I have, and I just don't remember. She may not even be aware that she said them.

There are times that I get so overcome with anxiety or grief or exhaustion that it is hard to stay happy, but this is precisly what is required. Because, in the moment, really, the moment, everything can change.

Faith

Here's the thing... Even when he, my husband, is so stressed out. Even when he is still so unbelievably worried, why am I not? We were that couple. We were the ones with the house on the hill. The huge house on the hill. You know the ones... Barbie and Ken. And, well... now we are not. We sold that house, for a variety of reasons. The main one being that I got sick with all that pain in my mouth. I won't go into all of that again.

I talked about that in one of the blogs a few days ago. It is a memory that is so ridiculously painful that it has made my mouth hurt since I wrote it.

Either way, now, since he is in the mortage business, and I have talked about this many times before, he is so worried about his next paycheck. And I have to say for the upteenth time how frustrating this is for me. Reason being that I believe in this man so much that I can't understand why he doesn't believe in himself.

It takes me back to a time when we were first together. 17 years ago. We were just starting out. He had bought his first home. It was a small, very small, home. He had just graduated from a very good college. He had put himself through. He was the first one in his family to go through college. He worked three jobs while going. He supported his mother while going.

And, when he got out of school, he worked for a company that made those tents that you see at parties, you know, the big white ones. He made the big salary of 19,000 dollars. But, it didn't matter. They were telling him it was a starter position to get into management. That lasted about 6 months and then they fired him.

And I remember him outside of his home throwing apples at the brick wall in the rain, so desperate because he had only 50 dollars in his account and no way to pay his new house note and car note. And we were about to get married. He was a real grown up for the first time. And, even then, I couldn't see what the problem was. All I could see was the man that I knew that he was. All I could see was potential. I knew that he would fix it.

I told him that then. And I remember him looking at me and expecting to see sympathy and it was something that I couldn't give him. Because I didn't feel like he needed it. I knew that he would find a way. Because it was what he had done his whole life.

My husband is a doer. When he needs to do something, he does it and he does it well. Not because someone else expects it of him, just because it is something that is instinctive within him. I recognized that within him then, and I still do now.

The thing is now... he has forgotten. He has lost his way. This morning when I was trying to help him remember, he actually cried a little. I haven't seen him do that in so many years. It is hard to see a strong man feel weak. It is also hard to convince someone that everything is going to be okay.

It is hard to teach faith, especially when you remember what it is like to be without it. He feels like his is drowning and I suppose that is what men do with finances when they feel like their family is relying on them.

This is also where real faith on my part comes in, because not for one minute do I not feel like everything is not going to be okay. Not for one minute do I feel like my goal is out of reach. I feel it coming now more than ever. Whatever is ahead of us is part of it.

He says that it must be his time to go through a "rough patch". I have been there, and it was so unbelievably painful. But, I have to say that it changed my world in such a way that I don't think that I could see life the way I do now without having gone through the pain. That sounds like a cliche, I know, but I guess you have to live it to know.

I never noticed rainbows until this year. Sure, I saw them, but I never purposely enjoyed storms in hopes of seeing the rainbows that followed.

It feels like today

This is the first day that I have begun the day wondering... I wonder what is going to happen today? I wonder what experiences are going to come my way? I am going to be on the lookout for people and places that are going to come into my path that are meaningful. That puts a whole new spin on everything. When you look at life as something that is suppose to take place for your benefit, then so many possiblities are open to you.

I just left my daughter's awards program at school. She was so happy to get her paper awards. We have an entire day ahead of us. Who knows who we are going to meet. Who knows what all we are going to be able to do. This may be the day that I stop smoking. This may be the day I am able to run that entire mile. This may be the day that... who knows?

At any time...everything changes. In writing this blog.. someone will read it that I have never met. That changes everything. They may write something to me to open my mind to possiblities that I never thought of.

Who I meet today and how I treat them will change who I am and where I go. It will also change them and where they go. I saw a woman at the store the other day. Her hair looked great. I thought, "I should tell her." I thought about it for a few more minutes and then finally, I did. I walked over to her and I said, " I know this may sound strange, but I just wanted you to know, I think your hair looks great. Great cut."

You know what, she actually got tears in her eyes. She said, "I can't believe you just said that. I was having such a bad day. Thanks so much." I can guarantee you that it changed her day. It also changed mine and the way I look at people. I can guarantee that she probably pays attention to the way she looks before going to the store now, too. This is not a pat on the back for me. Just the contrary. This helps me more than it helps the people that I say it too.

If I see someone in great car, I tell them. They bought it for the recognition, so I tell them. It doesn't hurt me one bit. It gives them a little pick me up. So what if they are vain? It made me feel better for making them feel better in the moment. It made me smile and then I walk away smiling and then it is contagious.

Have you ever seen anyone in the store with a sour look on their face and then you smiled at them and then they smiled back. They really aren't evil after all... They are really probably a great person. We just assumed they were awful.

Okay, so feeling good. Really good. It's a coming! I feel it. The goodness is coming. I wish I could bottle the feeling. It's like when you felt that boy coming toward you that you had the crush on for a month... and you know he is going to talk to you... yeah, it's that kind of feeling.

I'm ready.....

Runnin' on

I actually jogged most of my mile today. I told my daughter that she could go with me. This was with her on her bike. She was like a drill sargeant all the way. She was yelling at me all the way.
"YOU CAN DO IT."

"NO WALKING." It really did help. And I did do most of it. I really knew that I could walk the mile. But, jogging it? And, for the first time, I felt better after doing it. My husband bought me clothes for Mother's Day that are a size too small, and I refuse to take them back. For, that is part of this journey. If I see something that I want, I will strive for it, and I will succeed until I get it.

That is the faith part of the journey. It is different from just wanting it. It is knowing that I will have it and knowing what i have to do to get it. It is just one size too small for me. And, I know that running will allow me to wear the clothes. I have given away all the clothes in my closet that are a size 12, except for one pair of jeans and one old pair of lounge pants. Everything else, I gave to someone else. She was thrilled to have them. I don't want that to be a part of my life anymore. I have no problem with other people being that size, but for me, I was unhappy there. I could not comfortably bend over and tie my shoes. I knew that being that size meant that I wasn't paying attention to myself anymore. That meant that I would just continue not paying attention anymore.

I am not going to starve myself. It is not my style. I am just going to focus on looking my best. And when I say my best, that doesn't mean any one else's best. Once I reach a size 10, I may be perfectly fine at that. I think that I will be. If not, I will shoot for an 8. But, right now, I am only shooting for that 10.

Anyway, I was listening to Tony Robbins tape as I was jogging and being yelled at by Drill Sarge- ant Maggie, and it was so encouraging to know that Robbins really was at the bottom of the barrel when he finally made up his mind that enough was enough. That is exactly what happened with me. If you have read any of my blog, I did the same thing. I was sick and tired of it.

It is so true, any change can start at any instant. Like right now, I am STILL sitting here with my cigarettes. Why then, can I not make the decision to go throw them away? Say it right here and now, I am done. That instant will make a decision that would last a life time. Every decision we make changes our life forever. FOREVER. Instead , I lit up again.

What can I do. I am beginning to research how to stop smoking. I do whole-heartily believe in self-improvement audio tapes. They have helped me so much. But, I bought one on smoking. I got the wrong one I think. I didn't help or I didn't give it time too. She said 6 weeks. I gave it 6 days. Should I keep on listening? I was listening in bed hoping it would sink in to my subconscious.

I prayed, but I think that I prayed wrong without enough faith. I am asking, but I think I am not listening right. I do believe that my prayers will be answered if I have faith, so what am I doing wrong here. Funny thing is, while I am writing this last paragraph, I am getting quite nauseated. And the reason that is funny is that one of the things that I prayed was to give me some nauseation when I smoke so that I wouldn't want to smoke. And that was about 6 days ago. This is the first time that has happened.

Yeah, writing out your intentions is good....

Summer's here!

Probably my most productive day since I started the blog. My kids are finally out for the summer. And I made my first really productive list in a long time. On that list included:
Ride a Ripstick
Play Soccer
Go to the Park
Play with Blocks
Play with Webkins
Play with Reecey (the dog)
Make Kool-Aid
Throw the Frisbee

I haven't made a list like that, I don't think.... Ever. And my oldest child is 14. Those were the kinds of things that we did AFTER the "important" things got done around the house. Well, since I stay home, I told the kids that they could make their own lists and Mom would follow it during the day this summer. Everything would have to be free on the list. As long as it was something that we could do that would not cost money, then we would do it. If I didn't, then they would put things like "Go to Disneyland", just because they have no real concept of things like that.

On second thought, maybe I wouldn't hate that so much. Put you get the picture. But, what happened was. We were able to do each one of those things that were on the above list today. It took about 6 hours, but my kids were astonished and we had a really good time. And guess what else? Everything else that I needed to get done, well, it gone as well. It just got done a little later. I did my house cleaning beforehand. (For anyone who reads regularly, you know it's a clean-thing with me every day) and then they were fed on time and then well, we played. Most of the day.

And guess what... it was a productive day. Isn't that what we are on this earth for? Isn't that what a mother is put on this earth for? To play with her children? To teach them what love is? To laugh with them? I feel like I spend so much time worrying about things that don't matter a flip to anyone but me. So, as part of my "journey", I am finding out things that really do matter.

And, today, I found that I can actually devote a HUGE chunk of time to my children. I can actually truly enjoy it. I can actually have a great deal of patience while doing it. The world is not going to fall apart if I don't do adult activities that don't really matter anyway. And when the day is over I am going to feel like a better human being for it. My kids went to bed feeling more loved than when they woke up.

Doesn't seem like that would lead to a million dollars. But, the thing is... any thing that makes me feel successful is leading me there. Today was one of the most successful days of my life. And I am the only one that knows it. And that is all that counts.

WHAT???

You know, I just wrote my last post, and then I went about my usual routine of searching around to see what other bloggers are up to. I feel like I am at a party and catching up with everyone when I do that.

Anyway, when I did, my first stop was to someone's blog who had pictures of her children smiling and happy at school. Then I thought about mylast few blog entries and how depressing they were. Then, I got so frustrated with myself. I began to think about my children and how great they are. How they don't have any idea of all this goofy garbage that is in my head. Or maybe they do, because Mom has been in a bit of a bad mood.

And, anyway, why am I talking about lack of finances here? Isn't that a bit off course with my goal. I am done with that talk. I am being a little ridiculous.

I have such a great life and all I have been doing is talking about the downside of things. That is what got me into the shape I was before. People can shun the whole positive thinking thing all they want to, but I am proof positive that it is what it is. It works and it is real.

It is the only way to look at it. My daughter today, when I went to pick her up at my brother's house, had on 2 different kind of socks. Boy's socks at that. A dirty t-shirt from playing in the mud and her hair was a mess. And Oh my God, she looked so cute that I could hardly stand it. No, that is not positive thinking. That is just real. That is the only way that I could see her. If I had just seen the mismatched outfit, then that is just undo and self-imposed stress.

It didn't even occur to me to see the mud. All I saw was my free-spirited Maggie that everyone else sees. She doesn't care right now about clothes while she is playing. There will be a day that she does. But right now, while she is 7 and she wants to be a child, I want her to play. I want her to be a kid and I want her to be dirty and fun.

Right now in my garage, there are 4 buckets full of water with water balloons in them that represent 4 families that she made up. Yes, it is messy and is taking up room. But, it is also cute and kid-like and I love it about her. I can pour the water out when she is done with it. It is allowing me to experience a different world with her.

I am so glad that I saw that blog. It inspired me and I am thankful to be back on course....

Letting go...

OK, so I have spent the last couple of days having a few hissy fits. And where has it gotten me? Into quite a bundle. I feel like I used to. Of course, nobody reading this has any idea who I am, so you have no idea what that means. I was that person who was unhappy for no reason at all.

Well, of course there were reasons. There are always reasons to be unhappy, if you look hard enough. But, I was that person who had every reason to be happy, but I was just so determined to be unhappy that I created a world that became unbearable.

At this point I want to go into how horrible my world became, but I just don't think that I am going to do that. Because for the past couple of days that is what I have done. I have sat and thought about how terrible things are and what can I do to change them. Well, if I just sit and think about how things are terrible, then what am I going to get? Ugh... I am still talking about it!

I am tired of talking about my husband and his lack of seeing it my way. I am tired of thinking of a way out. The way out is coming. I feel it. So, now it is time to act. Nothing is going to get done by just thinking of the negative "yuk".

So, enough of the "darkness". The thing is, I am tired. And I mean, physically tired. And the reason is because I take medicine. Not a whole load of it, but a certain type, just one, that makes me tired. I take this for a condition in my mouth that is unknown. It started about four years ago now. They cannot figure out the cause. It burns uncontrollably most of the time.

I think at this point I am going to go into a memory that I haven't gone into in a long time. I may end up erasing it, but we shall see...

The pain was so severe and the prognosis was not good. The doctors were ignoring me, for they could find nothing wrong. No one believed me. I remember one night at two in the morning sitting up and thinking that there was no way that I could live with that type of pain. I had written a letter and everything. The doctors had told me that I was going to be living with it for the rest of my life and I would have to learn to deal with it because there was no medicine to cure it. The bottle of pills was there on the table. It would be so easy to get rid of the pain. Just like that. Oh, God, it hurt so bad. Somehow, I made it through that night (and many more like it).

That occured about 2 years ago. I think that once you have almost taken your life, you have a new perspective on life. You see things very differently.

That put things in a very neat nutshell. It was hell, and now it is over. I decided last year that I was done with thinking about my pain. I decided that if I was going to have to live with the pain then I was going to simply ignore it and live my life to the fullest instead. Once that decision was made, then the pain subsided quite a bit. There are even days when it is not there at all.

But, for the past few days it has been there, and I am having a bit of a time ignoring it. And I think it is because I am thinking about ditching my medicine. I am tired of being tired. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, but I can't seem to get anything done.

There is quite a bit of research out there about pain and the subconcious mind. I have done a little bit about it, but I think that I need to do a bit more. I want to go back to work, and my husband needs me to. My salary will not bring us very much right now.

That is not the point. Once I do go back to work, that will give him peice of mind to do what he needs to do. He is so down in the dumps right now that he cannot concentrate. My paycheck will allow him to "feel" like he has some help. I have stayed home with my children for 5 years and it what they know for the most part.

OK, that really sounds like I am getting past it, huh? I guess that I was not. Maybe I was on a very big high when I started this blog, and now I am just going through a bit of a low. But, isn't that what writing is all about. I am imagining myself sitting around a table with a group of friends. If I was doing that, would we really just be talking about the good times? Wouldn't we share all of our feelings? Wouldn't the rough times come out, too?

I have held in my feelings for a very long time, and now I am ready to let it out. I think that is what this journey is for me. That is what this road is for me. To get rid of the bad. To let it out. What I am finding I have to be careful of, however, is not to get caught up in them. Not to let them pull me back in. For, there, of course, is so much more.

If I can have the courage to write it all out, then maybe, I really can let it all go. It may be painful, but, hmmm... wouldn't it be nice to get rid of it all. That is an interesting concept. Letting go...

A good cry...

A little bit at my wit's end. Just stopping in for a bit, as we are going out to eat at my brothers. I guess today I am really just writing to write and get some feelings out. I still have no doubt that my goal will be reached. Really, I don't.

It is so hard though. My husband and I had, yet, another "conversation" about finances. He is so worried about it all. That is driving me crazy. He was up this morning actually listening to Ramsey's CD, which I thought would be a great thing. But, that is not what he could see.

All he can see is gloom and doom. The thing is that if gloom and doom is all he sees, then that is all he will get. And it is hard to not get sucked into that. I don't see it the way he does, but it is so hard not to get down about everything else.

I watched a show today and a quote was said "The funny thing about the future is: It changes every time you look at it." That is so true. If he sees the gloom coming, then change it.

But, then again, why am I trying to change him? I can't change him. I can only change me. If there is anything I have learned in my whole "change" process is that I am the only one I can do anything about.

I walked about 3 miles today. While walking I was thinking. And I was thinking all about him. What he was doing wrong. All of the wrong thinking he was doing. Then I realized that I can't do anything about that. I can only deal with myself. So....

What to do. How do I help this situation? What I do know is that each successful thing that I do will lead to another and so on. And if I am grateful for something in this moment then I will begin to be grateful for something in the next. And that I can't fake that gratitude.

For the past couple of weeks, I have lost my gratitude under this veil of stress. Yes, he has been stressed, but have I helped that by focusing on his stress? I have to concentrate on each moment differently now.

It is not helping to continue to tell him not to worry. That is not what he wants. I thought that was it. I was getting mad because he was not responding. That is not fair to him. I have to take whatever it is that he is saying and see it from his point of view. Then, I have to see it from a bird's eye view. Then I have to see it from the future. What should we have done? What could we have done? What would we have done had we known better in this very moment?

We can't do anything about the past. We can't do anything about the future. I have to act only on the moment at hand. I have to make the best of right now. I have to know that if I make the best of the moment right now, then future moments are going to be the best as well.

This I do know. So, why am I worrying today? I know it is because I love him and it hurts to see him hurt. But, it is doing him no good for me to worry? So, I have to get back to where I belong.

Again, so thankful for blogs. So good to be accountable. I was all set to go to my brothers with a bit of meloncholy. No way! This is a party!

Squeeze the lemons...

My sister-in-law is so funny. Whenever she would get stressed out she would put her palms out by her side face up and say "Squeeze the lemons". While saying it, she would close her eyes and act like she was slowly squeezing lemons with her hands.

This was her guru interpretation. So, whenever I feel stressed out these days, I "Squeeze the lemons". Today, I could have made a bucket of lemonade.

I do not expect to reach this goal tomorrow. I do not know when I will reach it. It could be tomorrow or next week in the lottery, or it could be 3 years from now in a great investment, or it could be 10 years from now when I finally become a famous writer. I have no idea. That is the thrill of it all. That is the thrill of living. That is thrill of this whole thing. That is what faith is.

I have it. I really do have it. BUT, my husband does not. For the second night in a row, we have had another long "conversation" about finances. He assures me that he does not want me to worry with him, for that would just make him worry more. I assure him that I do not have it in me to worry with him.

Then, he mocks me a bit. "It's a little hard to see that everything is going to be alright when there are no calls coming in" This said with his hands kind of flitting around his head. He is basically white as a sheet and as worried as I have ever seen him. Everything is fine for today. And tomorrow. But, he is foreseeing how terrible things are going to be in a few months.

How do you convince someone that everything will be okay if they will have faith? I remember someone that I admire very much telling me many years ago: "If people could just look at their problems from outside of their problems, then they would see the solutions so easily." I didn't know what she meant then. But, I surely do now.

The business IS there. He is just so down right now that he is wallowing in his despair. That is natural, BUT it is doing him no good. I know this feeling. I have been there and have come back. But, it was very hard. It is so frustrating to me that he will not hear me. He does listen, but again, because I am not in the same business that he is in, he seems to think that I do not know what I am talking about.

One of the things that I pointed out to him last night was that this time, maybe the problem had nothing to do with the business at hand. What I did was say that maybe he needed some help to find out how to get help to stop being worried. And that we live in a great time. For, there are resources out there for this. Amazingly, there are resources to help you not worry. That is where I thought he should start. Just start somewhere.

Just type in "How to stop worrying". And there would be a jillion sites to help him. Geez, but I am rambling. SQUEEZE THE LEMONS!!!! I just hate it for him, for the business will come. It always does, but this is as bad as I have ever seen him.

On a different note. I am listening and researching Dave Ramsey right now, with the rest of the country. Glad to know that I am doing, and actually, we are doing some of the things that he says. And for any of you that know Dave Ramsey's story. Well, that is basically our story. We haven't reached quite the bottom he did, but we definitely reached that top level that he did. And that is why I know that we can again.

The first time that we did, we were young. We were very silly with our money. We had the home. The cars and so on. One of the things that I have read about money is that until you are ready for money, you will never be able to hold onto money. Well, I know that I am so ready for it, and to learn how to use it correctly. It holds my interest.

And, AGAIN, for anyone who reads this blog, this is not about the money. It's the journey and all that I am going through on the way there. I repeat this alot for anyone new to it. I am as far from materialistic as they come. Wouldn't seem that way from the title of the blog. I am as blown away by my quest as anyone. But, it is something that I feel that I need to do. It is something that I feel I need to set my sights on. I don't know how to explain it.

And in reading Ramsey's book today, I am seeing that I am going to really have to do some serious readjusting to do it...

Oh, also, for anyone who has been reading... walked 3 miles IN THE RAIN yesterday... that is a big one. My friend called me while I was on my way to Burger King. It made me furious. But, I turned that car around a walked anyway. I was so proud of us!

And, I am still smoking. What to do? Somebody has got to help me on that one. I am going to have to offer a reward or something for that...

He asked...and it was given

Stopping by again today... I never did get around to the real conversation that I had with my husband last night. He came in from work very down and stressed about the lack of clients. I told you that he is in the mortgage business.

Well, the market is down right now.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know ALREADY! So, I let him tell me all about how business is not coming in very much and how it is going to be a bad month this month.

Then, it was my turn. For most of his long career in mortgage he has been able to have the business come to him. NOW, it is time for him to go and get the business. He is very good at his job. He knows what to do and he said that he doesn't need me to tell him how to do his job.

He is right. I do not know how to process a loan. But, there is a glitch in another part of his thinking. What people who are successful do differently than those who are just getting by is: they continue to learn. Maybe in the situation that he is in now--maybe he needs to learn how to deal with this situation.

I don't want to preach to him. Not at all. I am on his side. But, for me, the one person in this world who believes in him more than anyone else... it drives me crazy for him to be worried about work. Mainly because I know that the market will turn in his favor soon and he will be fine.

Instead, and granted, he gets stressed and worried when it is bad. I stress to him that watching the media and listening to downsayers who talk only about how horrible things are is only making it worse for him. He is going to have to ignore that.

But, he just looks at me with 3 heads. Since I am not in the business. I can understand that. So, last I asked him point blank what he needed to do to feel good again. He said, "Make more money". Then, I said, "Well, do it then". He said, a little heated, "It's just not that simple"

I told him that it also was just not that hard. I ask him if we could get real for a minute and really analyze the way he worked. He barked "I know what I need to do, but..." "But, what?" I asked. Then, the silence. It is just the fear taking over.

That damned old fear. Isn't that what gets us all? Getting past that fear of going into a situation.

By the end of the discussion, I finally pulled out the big gun. We don't usually talk about the big things because they make him uncomfortable. But, nothing was getting through.

I left the room and then I came back. I said, "Have you ask for business to pick up?" "Have you just said out loud that you want business to pick up?"

He said "Who am I suppose to ask?" I said, "You know, I know that it may be a far stretch to ask God, because it is hard to do when you are not sure who you are speaking to. But, I am telling you, this is something that works. And it works fairly quickly."

We go to church just like everyone else, but we don't really talk the talk outside of church. And for anyone who has read my blog, you know that I have mentioned my very good year. I have asked for quite a few things this year... and well, I have gotten them all. And it has been extraordinary the way I have received them. I have told my husband about a few of them, but I didn't go deeply into it with him because when I would get started he would sort of cut me off and say that he just wasn't ready for it all.

I can appreciate that, for I remember being there. This is not a religious statement whole-heartedly. This is a factual statement. You will see many of them revealed as I go along.

But, I went on to tell him to try it. He doesn't have to do it when I am around. Just say it to the air if you want to at first. Just say, "Please, can you help me here. I can't do this alone. I need help with my business." Or something along those lines. Or whatever it is that he felt that he wanted to say.

I then said, "You know, He wasn't called the greatest teacher for nothing, you know." My husband knows how many concrete things have happened to me over the past year and he does believe in the results. He just has not been willing to let them happen for himself yet.

OK, today he came home, and told me that a client that he has been trying to get for a long time finally called him today "out of the blue". I asked him why he thought that happened. Guess what he said....

"Well, I just asked...."

Errands complete...and my legs hurt

Put 200 more in. But, again, so excited about that, but more excited about this: I walked 5 miles yesterday! Yeah, I did. For anyone keeping up, this is a big thing for me.

I got up yesterday and made up this big excuse for why I couldn't walk with my friend. She said OK, but then she called me back and pretty much insisted that we go ahead and walk that afternoon. Then, we walked 5 miles. See, I told you guys, this is not about the money.

I do have 2 blisters on my feet and I am so sore that it is hard to walk today, but I proved to myself that I could do it. Of course, I know that I can do it. It is just a matter of, "Will I do it?" It is just so stinking boring. I have to get to the point where I am running so that it doesn't take so long. We were out there for about an hour and a half.

And then last night my husband came home and for the umpteenth night in a row, he was stressed out about money. See, I haven't even gone into this yet on the blog because I just didn't want to get too crazy personal. But, you know what, it is going to get that way anyway before it is all over, so well, I'll just go ahead and dive in a bit.

He is in the mortgage industry. And of course, WE ALL KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THINGS ARE ALL OVER! I swear to you, if I hear that one more time, I think that I might just blow a gasket.

He is stressed out to his limit right now. Then he brings that stress home. Then we are all stressed. But, here is the thing. We are stressed for different reasons. He is stressed about not paying bills. I am stressed because I don't want to say any thing to "set" him off in his stressed out state. The kids are stressed because they don't want to be too loud because Dad is home and for some reason right now (being the last year) he is a little tense.

Now, I am not in the mortgage business. No, I am not. But, I am educated. I have common sense. Also, I have had a very good year. AND... AND... AND... I have experienced a few things in the last 17 years of my life that put me in a position to see this whole thing from a very different point of view than he does.

This is where things will get very personal, maybe not today, but probably in the near future. I am not sure I am completely ready to open up here. Not for the sake of anyone reading, but for my own as well.

There are things in life that happen. There are things in life that are bigger than the mortgage business. There are things in life that really DO matter.

I am not sure how to write about these things. Like I have said before, I am not a writer. I am just living this. I want to write about it all. I do. I want to write about how I lived it. I want to write about how I experienced it all, and how I survived it all, and how I will conquer it all with more than flying colors.

I am not sure how to do that. There are just so many people out there that are struggling to figure out how to muddle through their day to day life. And Oh My God. Their is no sense in muddling through when there is so much life out there.

I watched American Beauty the other day and one of the lines in the movie was "There is so much beauty in the world that sometimes I am not sure that my heart can handle it." I can now see that. And I look back and wonder why I never saw it before this year. But, I don't regret it, for if I had not experienced all that I did, I would not be in a position to see what I see now.

I know that none of this makes sense without putting all the facts out there. I am rambling a bit today. Maybe because I am not sure where to begin with the whole story.

ANYWAY... I will stop with that for now. I think... think... I may go walk. It is late afternoon, and the kiddos are home. I will have to be a hamster and just walk in a loop around our neighborhood circle 9 times to hit 3 miles. Did I mention that walking is boring?

Also, I did do ALL those errands today that I have put off doing forever. Now, that may seem like nothing, but for all those who have ever put off doing things and the list has piled up, you know what I am talking about. The freedom that comes with getting things done allows you to move on. Hmmm... what next?

Out of the stillness...

I put 220 more dollars in. I am excited about that. I am more excited though because I walked two miles today. That is not really the whole story. I didn't really walk it. I really jogged most of it. No, not really. I jogged about a fourth of it. But, that is good for me.

My girlfriend that is walking with me every day did not show up this morning, so it would have been really easy for me to say forget it and just not go. I went home and debated whether to walk. This blog was what pushed me on. I KNOW that it sounds crazy, but it is so true that putting your intentions down on "paper" will get you going. Having comments from folks telling me that they are on my side in this is so helpful as well.

I got up and I walked. And while I was walking I began thinking. I really began to think and think. I began thinking all about the books I have been reading. All the people who have "made it" before me. All those who will "make it" after me. And how I will, too. AGAIN, it is not the money.

I began to think about the author Napoleon Hill who walked every day. While he walked, that was his time to think. He would be grateful while he walked. So, I started doing that. Then, I started thinking about my future and I starting being grateful about that. And then, it started up again. I started seeing my "BIG" future ahead of me.

I don't know what I see. And I don't know how to explain it. I just feel it. I just feel the goodness around me. Then, I stopped walking about midway back home. I just stood there looking out into the field that was there. Just me and the trees and the tall grass.

It was complete silence. It was a ludicrous thing to do. But, I did it anyway. I said it out loud. "If I am doing this right, show me." And then it happened. Out of the stillness and the heat, the cool breeze came. It came up from behind and it blew THROUGH me. I held my arms out by my sides and let it penetrate me. And I felt it with all that I am.

I don't know if you believe in this type of thing or not. But, I know that there, alone, and now, as I write, the tears came and still come. It was bigger than me and it was why I started this journey. I started it to find the bigger things in life.

I have said many times during this blog that this past year has been a very good year. And this morning was a very good morning...

Just stopping in

Having got much time today. Have got a busy day, but writing on this blog is essential to me now because it is helping to keep me on track. It helps keep me accountable. I am still listening to Jim Kramer yell at me.

I don't necessarily understand all that he is talking about, but it is driving home the need to invest. Again, this is such a new concept to me as saving is all I had ever heard. I had always thought that saving for the future was the way to go. But, now my thoughts are changing so much. Investing--that seems to be the way to go.

But, as I am learning in a very short time... I have to do my homework. Don't even know where to start. I guess I won't know how to do my homework on investing until I do my homework on how to do my homework. Did that make sense? Well, to me it did.

I did walk/run today and yesterday. I am keeping myself on track with that. I am wanting to stay on track with that, which is amazing in itself. I have always hated, and I do mean hated, to do that type of physical activity. I still don't love it, but I want to do it. I want to get to the point that I am running the 3 miles every day.

But, also, I am still smoking. Why? Why? Why? Not as much, which is an improvement. But, where is the will power to quit? Still praying to quit. But, must be doing it incorrectly. The smoking is not an enjoyable thing for me anymore, so maybe I am moving in the right direction.

This "road to a million dollars" is opening so many doors that I just didn't know about. I am still so happy that I am doing it. It is a daily adventure. I can't wait to get up in the morning and see what is going to happen. How I am going to change as a person...

Til tomorrow...

Mad money

Listening to Jim Cramer yelling at me about Mad Money. He has me so fired up about that. I went from Eat, Pray, Love to Jim Cramer. That was quite a switch.

I took most of the day off to dance, yeah, that is right. I danced most of the day. I do that. After I listen to a big motivational book and get myself all smart, I clean my mental pallette with some dancing. My ipod is loading with about 250 "dancing" songs. Everything thing from "Sexy Back" to "Hannah Montana" to "Crazy Train". Today I was dancing in my kitchen to "Apologize" by Timberland.

This just loosens up my mental train of thought. I pulls me back where I need to be so I can start over. It kind of sets me onto a blank playing field. My kids and family and close friends know that this means one thing....she's going into the VOODOO again.

That is a funny story that comes from my son actually. About a year ago, I began to change. I started realizing that I could ask for things and they would come. Basically I just learned what faith and grace were. But, one a person has realized these things, it is hard not to share them. Anyway, My son walked in one day and said, "Mom, how do you do that voodoo stuff you do?"

I laughed so much. And then told him that it wasn't voodoo, it was just well..... I didn't really know yet... All I knew was that I was asking for things and I was receiving them. Just by asking.
He said that he wanted to do sit ups every night. That was a year ago. He now does 400 every night. ...... True story.

So, whenever mom starts dancing around here. Yeah, it must be the voodoo. And mom was dancing today. To sexy back and Apologize. Two of the most voodoo songs on the planet, huh?

I do what makes me happy. And dancing does that. I don't dance well, and I don't care. I dance because it makes me feel good. I have been doing it for a year, and as we know, it has been the best year of my life and that feeling is spreading to all those around me.

Oh, well, enough of that for now...Just a little insight into the voodoo story in case in comes up again, and I am sure it will again. That is just our brand of it.

Bought Capri brand cigs today. Remember those. YUK! Is that a step forward on quitting? They are terrible! I am asking for help with this. Really wanting to want to quit.

Til tomorrow....

30 more

Put 30 more in. I am very excited about this. Even though I know that I am simply moving money around, I know that I am moving around with a purpose. I am moving in into an account with the purpose for investing it. Learning all about these mutual funds, and the Dow Jones and what not.

For those of you that know all about all of this, you are probably laughing at what I am saying. But, this has never been my world. I have never known anything about this. I am just now learning about it. And what astonishes me is why I have never wanted to know anything about it. Why am I wanting to know about it now?

All of sudden these things are interesting to me. All of a sudden, these things are coming into my focus. I see a very bright future that includes my family and friends, but I am seeing other things now too. Why is that? These are things that I am wondering about.

I went to lunch today with a friend of mine and she was talking about how her job was going to be eliminated soon. She had no idea what she was going to do. She said that she and her husband had saved money for her kids to go to college, but there was not nearly enough yet. That is many years away.

I asked her if she had ever thought of investing it. I told her about our friend that had made it "big" from grammer school by investing. She said that could never happen for her. I asked her "Why not?" She said that those things never happen in the "real world".

I think that I am tired of living in real world. I want to live the world that I create. The real world, as I see it, is the world that people allow to go on around them. The real world is the world that revolves around us. I am ready to create my surroundings. The only way that things are going to happen for me is if I begin to act and react to things that happen for me.

Again, all of this is new to me. I have lived always thinking that everything that happens to me is because of what other people have done. This is completely untrue. I could have controlled most of those circumstances ahead of time. I have spent the last year really contemplating this. I have taken many of the "bad" things that have happened to me in my life and rewound them.

What I have come up with is that if I had taken one or two steps differently along the way, then my circumstances would have been very different. Of course, this is the ole' "Hindsight is 20/20". But, this is so true. And, I am tired of living in hindsight. I am ready to live for the future, not by the past.

So, here's to today... and it was a good one...

I actually prayed today. I actually prayed about my smoking. I think that until this point I didn't really want to quit. I think that I wanted to say that I wanted to quit just to say it. But, I pulled out a big gun today and I prayed, AND to make matters worse, I actually had faith that I am going to quit.

So, the tobacco companies may be taking a small hit because of me and my habit (or lack of) quite soon.

I learned quite a lot this past year about prayer and how it works. It is quite powerful. This is not a religious statement. It is just a fact. My life is proof of it.

Again, good day today. Thank you, lil brown hare... loved the stock tips... I'll get there yet!

Such a dummy

Ok... I have to start somewhere. I have mentioned that I know nothing about investing. The only way I am going to learn is to read. My very first friend that I ever knew is now a multi-millionaire. He and I have been friends since we were infants.

We grew up less than a mile from one another. Went to grammer school, junior high and high school together. Went to college all 4 years together. Our parents spent every Friday night together. I have 2 brothers that I love dearly, and he is like a third.

Watching his success in business and as a person has been remarkable. It is not about the money. That really has been a perk in the whole process. He enjoys having all the pretty things, no doubt. But, it hasn't changed who he is. He loves me just the same. He loves our family just the same. He loves his family just the same. We are all together for all the holidays and any time that he is in town. (He has had to move because of his job.) We talk often by phone and internet. He has a second house here and comes during the summer.

One of the things that he has told me often is to read as much as I can. He says that he reads three or four books a week. I told him that I do the same. I agree that growth comes that way. I was trying to grow a different way as I stated in my last blog. I was trying to get myself out of my "funk". And I did. The book I was reading the last time I talked to him was "Happy for No Reason". He laughed and said, "Well, are you?" I laughed back and said, "Yes, I finally am!" And he said, "Well, it's about time!"

The book he was reading was "Cocktail Economics". I told him that I thought that book was out of my league. He said that I was underestimating myself and that if I could read then I could understand it. And, that if there were things in there that I didn't understand, then it was my responsibility to go out and research them.

That made sense to me. I did go and look up the book on the internet and sure enough, it looked like something that I wouldn't understand. Economics was something that was so boring to me in college. Sooo boring. But.... I guess in order to reach this goal, I am going to have to dive into this area of understanding about economics and investing.

So, I am taking the first steps. I started that today. I typed in "Investing for dummies". And about a jillion websites came up. And surprisingly, I understood them, somewhat. I mean, if so many people have made money doing it, why shouldn't I be able to do it? I am not saying that this is definitely the avenue that I am going to pursue, but I am not discounting it either.

What is the harm in my doing research on investing? I know that I won't jump into anything... will I? I have many people in my family that can guide me on this. Plus, I have my friend who would give me excellent advice along the way. I have to remember that Buffet started with $100.

Either way... On to the other goal today... I actually ran today... not just walked... I ran. It hurt my body, but I did it. I didn't love it, but I did it. Suppose to meet my friend in the morning at 8:15 to walk/run 3 miles. Maybe this will beat out the cigarrettes. I am so sick of them. So, why do I keep picking them up? It's not as bad as it was, but they are still such a part of my life...so sick of them...

Better hop in the bed.. Listening to "Eat, Pray, Love" ...Loving it...I had the many of the same experiences as the author...and they were good (Actually, good doesn't even begin to describe those experiences). Once you have had those experiences, they never leave you.... and you want to share them with everyone... But, that is for another day.

All in a day's work

Well, another 20 in. That's 20. Just got to figure how to invest that... hmm..

I guess what I might try to do today is get excited about what I did in the last 24 hours. What I think that I would really like to do right now is reflect about how my life was only a year ago. I was that person who was in what everyone refers to as a "funk". A serious "funk". And I was the typical person who had absolutely no reason to be in a funk.

I have the great husband and the great kids and the great dog. I get to stay home with my kids, and they are in school. What better life than that? I have college degrees, yet I want to be home when my kids get home. I love being a mom, yet I was depressed. I had been depressed for over 3 years. I was not diagnosed with it, but there was no denying it.

I had lost my purpose in life. I take that back. I think that I really never found my purpose. I think that I really never dug deep enough to really want to know what my purpose was. And, then, about a year ago, I began doing some soul searching. I guess I just got sick of being "sick". I just got sick of myself. I wanted to be a better person. I was so tired of being a sloth. I was tired of being drain on myself.

On the outside looking in, we were the perfect family. Soccer mom, well-dressed kids, husband on the rise... you know that family in the somewhat small town on the rise. But, on the inside, I was falling apart. Only those that knew me well really knew what was going on. We were all hiding it. I was losing friends and family quickly.

And, finally, like I said, last year, about this time, I made a decision, to just stop it. I turned 40, ironically. I had heard that 40 was a pivotal year for many people and it surely was for me. It was like my eyes opened for the first time. I began to see things differently. I began to finally be thankful and forgiving. I cried a lot--alot. But, they were tears of release. I just left all of that depression behind. I turned off my television, which had been my crutch. I saw my husband for the man that he was and my children for the gifts that they were and my life has been so unbelievable since.

I am summing all of that up into a neat little package. It took some time. Several months of serious thoughts, meditation (which I had never done, since I thought that was saved for the gurus of the world), reading, journal writing, and just plain letting go.

It was just my time finally to be happy. It worked on every level. I am the happiest person that I know. That is not an exaggeration. I began by saying, "OK, what do I want to do with my life now?" The first thing that popped into my head was "I want a million dollars". But, I let that go because I thought that it was a little too big and materialistic. So, then I moved on to my weight. Then, I thought the same thing-- to vain. Then, I moved on to family issues, etc. And then I decided, you know, I just want to find Love. Real love. I want to know what that is.

Well, i thought that would be the easiest, since I assumed that I was a good person. But, once I asked for that, geez, over about the next month I cried so much that Kleenex owes ME money. I was astonished by the amount of love that came flowing through me for everyone and from everyone. I just didn't know. I had just missed it by being either so busy with my own self-indulgent depression or my self-indulgent tasks to notice. There was love everywhere I looked.

Anyway, once that was accomplished, the weight issue was next, lost that quickly. So, then I lived in my new happy, loving, body for awhile. It was really like I was floating. I was 40 and had never been like this before... And just wondering how I had missed it for so long. (Yeah, I sound like a character from a Disney film).

Anyway, that is when I began to realize that maybe my first goal was what I was shooting for all along, for it was the first thing I wrote down. I had never even thought of a million dollars before. So why now? So, here we are with that. But, I knew that from reading that the road to millions leads to other roads... mainly roads of growth within yourself.

So, today was a perfect example...finally getting to the point. I have been reading as you know to go out of your comfort zone and push to be different every day. And do what you will do with success. Each success you make will lead to more... So that is my plan each day, to do something different to try to open a new door..

So...Last night at 11pm, I was out in the torrential rain with my husband and we were watching "My Chemical Romance" with my 14 year old son and 3 of his friends until 1 am. It rained the entire time. If you do not know this band, they are way beyond punk rock. I agreed to take them because 1. My son can play every song of theirs on the guitar back and forth and practices religiously 2. It was his birthday 3. To do something like that for him fills my soul to the brim

Ok. . So, we got in about 1:30 from that completely soaked and then after that there was a beautiful lightening storm happenening. It was the leftoever lightening that keeps the sky bright for about an hour after the storm. I can't resist those. I drove about a mile from our home after dropping the boys off and went to watch the storm while sitting in the car. I was just in awe of what beauty the sky can give to us if we will be patience and pay attention.

Then, when i got up, went and spent 3 hours talking with my 94 year old grandmother who is still as spry as you and I. She was thrilled to see me and one of my kiddos. It is good to have one on one time with her. She and I are very close, but I am always in a hurry going here and there, so I never really stop and sit down and listen to her stories. Today, I made a concious effort to do so. She went on a trip around the world, literally, about 30 years ago. She visited 15 countries on her trip. She told me all about it, among other things. It's easy to forget that your grandparents were once in your place. Ironically, directly behind here was a portrait of her when she in her 20's. While she was talking, I was able to picture her living as that young girl. Until that moment I had always pictured her only as my grandmother. But through her stories, I was able to picture her as she was at that time.

Afterwards, went to 3 stores to find a Powerglider for my second son. (If you have ever dealt with Wal-Marts and Targets on a Saturday afternoon, that is a &%*@ adventure in itself). A Powerglider is a scooter "thing" for kids, that has to be "easily" assembled. Yeah, right. Found it. Then came home and put it together. That was a feat that made me feel like Wonder Woman when I finished! (While this paragraph may seem like no big deal, the whole Powerglide adventure took about 4 hours. Normally, my patience would have been shot. But, before we left to go find it, I took a decent vow of patience to get through it, knowing that we would probably have to scour the city. It really made a difference deciding beforehand that I would deal with the obnoxious traffic and parking. It's a little thing, but I swear, it made a difference.)

It was just a concert. It was just a talk with my grandmother. It was just a Powerglider. But, these were 3 things that made a difference to people in my life that are important to me. They were things that taught me patience. Each little act of success leads to another. That is what I am learning...

Conversations

Loving this blog. Really, I am. The reason that I even started blogging is to get my thoughts out into the open. I have heard that writing your intentions down will help to make your actions concrete. That is so true. It is helping so much. Another thing that is helping me so much is the comments that I am getting.

I feel like I am actually sitting around a table and listening to what other people are telling me when I read a comment. I know that when someone types a comment that they are just like me, sitting at their computer after reading something on my blog. That means something to me.

That was not my intial intent when I started blogging. I did not know much about it. I did not realize that there would be other people interacting with my goal. It was originally just to get the goal out of my head and onto paper so that I could "organize" it somewhat. Since it was something that I had been thinking about quite a while, I decided it was time to act on it.

There are so many things that I cannot put down in the blog in relation to our personal finances. That would be ridiculous, to say the least. But, we are at a point in our lives that this goal is something that is not out of reach for us. We are 40 and have enough education behind us that we should be able to reach this. The problem is that we don't have the right education. We have never studied investment financing.

That is something that I am starting to look into now. It is as foreign to me as the Chinese language. But, as with everything else, I have to start somewhere. I just read yesterday that Warren Buffet started with $100. That is exciting to me. I also read yesterday to spend an hour a week reading about investments, learning about investments. That is something that just never interested me and now it does. It surprises me that it does.

I have said it before that one of the main reasons that I want to do this is to grow as a person. I want to learn so many other things along the way. And that is happening. It is forcing me to get out of the habit of procrastination. To get things done now, verses waiting.

I am not a writer. I would love to be, but I am not right now. So, if this blog seems scatterbrain and "all over the place", that is one of the reasons. The other reason is because there is so much going on in my mind that I want to get out that I can't seem to write it all so I just jump from one subject to the next.

This goal is big, huge even, but not impossible. That is where my thinking has changed. Where I once thought that goals and outcomes like this were for other people, now I don't. I really don't. And I am in awe of that.

And again, thanks for comments around the table... it means a great deal. Really.

3 miles

Put 1,037 dollars in! Yeah, I did! The 37 dollars was bits and peices I got from some money I got out of the bank to pay for some things that the kids were doing. There was 37 dollars left over, so I promptly put it into the Cash Stash. For those of you new to this blog, the cash stash is the investment stash that I have started. I have never done this before in my life. I just finally decided to do this. I have no idea how to do it. I am learning as I go. The more I learn about this, the better it is getting. The more I do it, the easier it is getting.

Anyway, the 1000 dollars is from savings. That money is part of the money that we got back from taxes. We put it into savings to keep to pay bills. Yeah, we have plenty like everyone else, but, we have decided to start putting some (actually, quite a bit) aside for this goal that we have. And now, when I say we, I mean my husband, too.

We have decided to of course pay the bills on time, but to not try to pay off everything first before we start investing. We want to build the investments while we are paying off the bills. Because if we wait to pay off everything, we will never invest. Because we have been saying all of our lives that we will pay off everything, and always, always, when we pay something off, we end up buying something else. Always...

Therefore, we are going to do it the way the rich do it. We are starting slow. But, that is also the way the rich do it. Everyone started somewhere. With one dollar. And, also for anyone that is new, they should know that this is not about the money. Even though as of this blog so far, it surely does sound like it. This is about the journey. To see how to improve and enjoy life along the way. How to succeed in all things as you go. For if you succeed in one thing, that leads to another.

So, as I have said before, I am trying this out everyday, and working on one thing and then another. My last blog was about boring housework, and My God, is it boring. So, as I said, I got that together over about 2 months, so that I could get it over with quickly every day and be done with it.

After my home, I went on to my vehicle. I spent about 3 days, literally, on it. Every nook and cranny. That sounds compulsive, and it was. I was determined to get it to the point that I could get in and out of it and basically just pick up whatever I had taken with me. I wanted it to look new, and I wanted to feel like I was successful in it. I wanted to be grateful for it as well. My kids are still allowed to be kids in it. They can eat in it and drink...whatever. And I don't make a scene at all about it. But, I just take the time each time throw the stuff out that was put in it. If I forget, I don't stress about it. It is just a habit now. It helps me be successful. One successful act leads to another.

Those are small examples. They seem compulsive, but honestly they are not. Like I said before, the housework takes about 30 minutes a day, and the car, about 30 seconds. But, it is the little things that help me move on to this goal.

Which brings me to the title of the blog. 3 miles. My next goal... my body. If you are someone who is in great shape who is reading this... I envy you. That is the truth. I am not overweight. I am 40 and I weigh about 150. So, that is not overweight at all. I would love to weigh 135 and be a size 8. I am a size 12 now. I can wear a size 10, but who is kidding who here? I don't want to think about my weight. I want to work on my body and just have the best body that I can have. I don't want it to be a weight issue. I don't think I even want it to be a size issue.

I want to run. I want to be in good shape. I want to have energy. What is amazing about my main goal of a million dollars is that it has made me begin to have so many other goals. I have always been very thin. The 150 is BIG for me. It has never even occured to me to work out, but now, I absolutely crave it. I mean, I am craving it.

So, the 3 miles title is to indicate that I am now walking 3 miles everyday. To those of you that work out regularly that is child's play. For me, this is a big deal. A really big deal. A success to the extreme. Again, I am proving to myself what I can do. Of course, I can walk 3 miles, but that is not the issue. WILL I walk three miles. Will I get up and do it? Will I do it every day? Will i set aside the time?

So far I have! And I am excited!