I can see clearly now...

Sat with my husband last night as he cried a river. He is not seeing things like I do. I am having the love spill in from all over the world with this blog. But, that is not the only love that I feel. I feel the love from within me. I have the love from the past and from the future. I know that sounds completely corny. I know that sounds like every cliche in the world. Does it not?

But I have determination now. I have a determination of a bulldog now. I have seen some things in my life that have been really hard to deal with and now we are talking about money? Are you kidding me? Is that what we are fretting about?

This is the thing... I can find a way to get money. Surely... It is as easy as finding a smile. If you see someone that is not smiling, surely you can get them to smile. Don't you just have to smile at them first... and then they smile... And if that doesn't work, go out of your way to talk to them, and if that doesn't work, then make a funny face, and if that doesn't work, then well, well, get naked, do something... but, I bet.. you could do SOMETHING to make them smile.

If I really want to get us out of this jam, I can. By GOD, I can. Right now, I am so unbelievable thankful that I am not depressed about life and about my situation that I don't know what to do. I am so unbelievably thankful that I can finally see life for what it is.

No, I do not think that money is the whole reason for living. But, I do know that we are in a jam right now. I do know that we need to get out of this jam. I do know that we need to get our head together and figure out what to do. Focusing on the debt and focusing on what is WRONG is not going to fix this problem. Focusing on a solution is going to fix this problem. SO what can I do?

I have 3 kids. I have to figure out a way to bring in enough income to help my husband out until he can get himself together enough to do it himself. I know that there are a million ways to do this. He can do it himself, but he is in such a state right now that he cannot do it.

Right now, I am just writing it out. I am brainstorming it out. I am writing to write to get it out on "paper" because I know that I have to get it out of my head. My kids are used to me being at home, and it bothers me that I would be away from them. I worked the night shift for a long time and it threw me off so bad that it just about caused my marraige to dissolve.

He is wanting me to wait until school starts to teach school. That is a decent income, and it is what I love to do. It is what I am called to do. It will give us a good supplemental income, but I am wanting to do something right now. I am feeling like he needs me right now. I am feeling like I should do something right now. My heart tells me to go back to teaching. I love the kids and I miss them with a passion. But, on the other hand, I feel that I should be doing something right now in the moment.

I also feel that I should be here with my children. I should be here at home so that my husband is free to be at work the hours he needs to be there. See, here I go again focusing on what I can't do. I need to focus on what I can do. There had to be something that I can do.

It feels like it is right here. It feels like it is right in front of my face and I am missing it. What am I missing. You know like that picture of the vase with the 2 women infused into it? What am I missing here?

Should I go ahead and nurse right now, even though I will probably go into teaching in 2 months? Then I will be leaving my children at home for most of the time during the week.That doesn't feel right. Is it supposed to feel right? Life is good. I know this. Also, being a nurse is something that is so far from what I do with my heart.

When I was a nurse. I was sick most of the time. I was physically sick every day, at the thought of going into work. My husband is adament against it.

Oh good grief, there I go again, complaining. That is not at all what this blog was supposed to be about. I promise that I feel better. I feel good. I do. I am just blogging it out to try to figure out where I am going to go with everything. I am looking around me knowing that it is coming. I know it and I really do. Just trying to figure out what I am going to do today. And when I say today, I honestly mean TODAY.

Going to the pool with the kiddos.. And I guess that is what I am supposed to do. I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. Love my children with all that I am. In the moment. Support my husband with all that I am. I am waiting to hear if I am going to be teaching in the fall. They are supposed to let me know something in the next couple of days. Until then, I am supposed to just love and be thankful. I know that I am.

Meanwhile.....?