When is the last time that I had a really good cry? You know the kind that makes your head hurt for a few hours afterwords? The kind that you have to hide from your kids because there is just no way to keep it in?
Yeah, that kind... I think it has been over a year since I have had that kind of cry.
I haven't needed to. I don't need to now either. I am letting stupid circumstances control me. And I do not think that it is about the money either. I don't think so anyway. I am writing this out to try to get some control over it. Good grief, at least I am doing it now rather than about 8 hour ago. If I had done it then, there would have been no way to understand what I was writing.
I read in "The Four Agreements" yesterday about how everything is situational. How is it completely irrational to take things out of context. Yet, that is completely what I did today. I took one thing that was said to me and took it through a joyride through my past.
I was able to pull up memories of what other people of said to me and then I just spiraled down. I tried to pull myself out of it. But, really I didn't try that hard. I think that I just wanted to be sad for a day. I spent the day yesterday being grateful and more grateful for what is coming. And then today I spent the day completely UNgrateful for what probably is not even in existence.
I blew a situational incidence completely out of proportion. What I am finding out more and more is that situations can be avoided before they occur. And this particular incident could have been avoided. It was small and then became large. If I had done one little thing different, then everything would have changed. The whole event would have never happened. Ever had that realization? I am having them more and more.
And now that it is over and my pity party is over, I can look back and see where I was wrong. I can see where I can take little steps to keep giant monster catastrophes from occuring.
I used to have these crying jags quite often. Then they stopped. I became this different person last year. I became happy. What has changed recently? I am letting this negative "energy" around me affect me. I am letting those around me pull me down.
My husband's worry over work. The neighbor's worry over her kid. The neighbor's fighting with her husband. My friend's constant complaints about finances and her kids.
How do I get back to the place of being happy? Right now I feel like a big weight is on me. I know that I was happy not too long ago.. And when I say happy, I mean enlightened happy. I mean, one of those people you see and wish you knew what they knew. Because, I had been introduced to the something that was real. And now, because I am letting in the negatives again, it is started to get to me.
I am not sure that I am making a lot of sense to anyone reading this. I just know that I was so concentrated on finding out who I was and what "it" was all about, and now I have lost "it" somehow. I have got to myself back together.
Maybe I am so focused on finding "it" again that I am searching too hard. Maybe I just need to let go again and let it find me. Happiness, true happiness is out there. Love, true love is there. I had it. This was universal and it was pure and it was mind blowing. And I had found it. And now with my mind going in 50 million different directions, I am not focused anymore.
It took extreme concentration for me to get to the point of finding what I was looking for, but I did. And it was good. Oh my God, (literally), it was good. I have got to get it back.
Okay... I think I might have to go pray... yeah....I think....
16 comments:
"It" is always there. I think we experience it in waves - and that is necessary. The tide will be in again.
Dilly not like idea ov havin big big cry an mayke hed hurt!
Dilly hope be ok now!
Allways say self, "Will parss, will go away! Things will chaynge!"
Sumtimes Dilly mummy get sad.
Get vewy low.
Dilly giv head hug.
Dilly say, not be worreed, Mummy!
Dilly send KC head hugs.
¬"
When my son was about 9yrs old he saw a movie with some friends that really frightened him: Aliens with Sigourney Weaver. He was to young to see a movie like that, but it had happened and there was no taking it back.
As he told me about it tearfully, I asked him how he would create all the special movie magic goo that strings from the monster’s mouth. He thought maybe corn syrup or egg whites would do the trick and it would look really good and scary. Then I put him to task to figure out how he’d create the monster that pops out of the man’s chest. In short he was laughing and talking non stop about all the great ways he could do all the scary things much better. He was excited to try them all tomorrow. To his amazement they were no longer ‘scary things’-just part of his experience.
Just my opinion K.C., but I don’t think melancholy days are necessarily bad days. It’s all in the way you look at it. They can be days where we gather up all our thoughts, even fears, talk about (if only to ourselves) and put them in perspective. They can actually be constructive days to find answers… and maybe even a little movie magic.
Vikki
hey.. u will defiantly "IT"...
you can be happy when u want to be happy ...can be sad when you want to be sad....its all about being content... and yes i dun know about everyone but 2 me u did make sense..
and Dilly says, not be worreed, Mummy!
So for Dilly ...not 2 be worreed
Cheers..!!
Hi K.C. thanks for your visit on miss doodle's blog:) If Miss Doodle can cheer you up on darker days, I'll be happy:)
And, to know what happiness is, don't we need to be sad? I don't know, just saying. These tears are washing off things.
Have a good day,
Andrea
You know, we have our ups and downs..I think we have to go "down", to realize how good it feels to be "up". Something to work for..It never hurts to cry..sometimes it cleanses the soul. There isn't a person alive that doesn't have their down days and if they say they don't have them, they aren't being truthful..The important thing,and you are aware of it, is not to let it get you.
Keeping the faith and staying positive can be very challenging. Sometimes, one succumbs to the nasties....and hopes it doesn't last too long or too deep.
You are very smart and it shows! Stay the course you've set for yourself...one day at a time, I always say...
Hi KC - a touching post - of course there will be many bad days but then they make the good days good - without bad there can be no good. And the world has a large randomness to it - so there may be no reason for a day being bad, but now and then there is bound to be a bad day, even on days when you feel good at first, but things all seem to go wrong. It's not your fault, you are just a small part of the world and can't influence it as much as you'd like. It may be that other people were having bad days and so they combined to make your day bad - it wasn't anything you did yourself, but you are right - next time you may be able to control your reactions better and not get emotionally affected as though it's your fault when it isn't. Best wishes!
Hey thanks for coming over to my blog and smelling the Roses.:)
I have days like you mention here. You need to think of fun things & stay away from the negative people for a few days. When that needle gets stuck in your head on how bad you feel you need to knock it forward & put the needle on that record to POSITIVE thoughts. How ever many times it takes. Then go have some CHOCOLATE. Works everytime. :)
K.C., we cannot change the inevitable. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. I will be 50 years old this February...I've lived through some horrendous things. Always keep your chin up, always. It is difficult experiences such as the one you are going through that will make you a wiser and stronger individual, I promise.
Courage is being scared to death... and saddling up anyway. ~John Wayne
hello KC, long time no communication huh? well, i've rested for few days, and will be resting on this site too for so long. Schooling's near.
We all have days like this, where it seems the sun will never shine again and you'll never feel that peace and happiness again. But you will...you will. Elspeth is right - "it" is out there waiting for you when you are ready.
KC, it is normal... a time of reflection perhaps, but feelings change, perceptions change, do not agonize over "I must get it back"! just give yourself a little time, life is a cycle, nothing remains still, but it goes around, good times return too.
Hi K.C....
Having a good cry is not always a bad thing, it can release all those pent up feelings and once those tears have dried, you WILL feel so much better.....take care ;-D
Hi, just thought I'd return your visit :)
*huuuuuuuug* KC. This too shall pass
"Maybe I just need to let go again and let it find me."
so true...
i much relate to this...
in my life whenever i pushed, 'it' was farther...
doesn't mean we shouldn't try... no... just we should do our best and wait... and never blame ourselves...
:)
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