I am trying to decide what I want to write about tonight. This is a tough one. My husband is in the other room right now watching a recording of "Meet the Press". I am not sure how far I am going to go with this one. It goes a bit deep for me. Not on the surface, because I didn't know Tim Russert.
He was a prominent news reporter in America and around the globe. I don't watch a great deal of news television, but I did know who Tim Russert was, so of course it was a blow to hear of his death. How could it not be? It is very surreal to hear when someone who is on television so much dies. How in the world can that really happen? Aren't those people suppose to be, like, superhuman?
But, wait... are they not just super humans? As in humans that did super things... not only for us on television.. but also for us super humans at home watching our televsions?
Don't you think that Tim Russert probably spent his whole life just like us working really hard in grade school hoping for that day that he would get to have his 15 minutes of fame, just maybe? And, I have no idea, but maybe he thought that he got it when he hit a home run at the little league game, or maybe he thought it was when he saw stars during his first kiss...
I don't know Tim Russert... but from all the press he gave and all the press he is now receiving, there is no doubt that he was a great man. I would imagine that his fifteen minutes probably began sometime after he collapsed.
I am not an authority on what happens after we die. I have yet to be there, and I have to say that I am not standing in line to be the first. But, because of the experiences that I have been through, I do have to say that I have no fear.
I was personally there with a great man when he went.
This is a heavy subject, I know, so if now is the time to leave, then it may be best to go. I have heard it said when you feel the need to write, then write and write some more.
To watch someone die when they are so alive is a hard thing to see in the moment. It was almost 18 years ago that I walked through the Ole Miss College Football Stadium with my father.
It just took me 20 minutes to write the above 2 sentences...
That is the impact that the unexpected death of a father has on a daughter... Hmmm... Maybe I am not so ready to write about it after all... I just can't tell the story.. So I just won't right now. I'll save it for another day.
I don't have fear of my own... I can crank out the words now, but I can still not talk of his. Isn't that something? It took me 20 minutes to write 2 sentences because I relived the most tragic ordeal of my existence. And that happened over 18 years ago. I promise that I have moved on with my life, as long as I am not thinking about it. But, that is why I said that in the beginning of the post... I was planning on writing about something else, but as soon as I entered the blank page, I heard the TV going...
It was about Tim Russert... it got me thinking about the man and his family. The effects will be following him for awhile. Those effects last for a bit, to say the least.
Aw geez, this has become an all -about- me post, and I didn't want all that. Really and truly, I don't want all this sympathy..really. I stay away from that as much as possible.
I am completely pointing out how much it takes to deal with it all...how it affects different people.
OK, this is about Tim Russert... I have gotten myself into a bit of a tizzy. That seems to happen to me when I hear about someone who loses their father. It seems to take me back to a time that really was tough. Can anyone out there tell that is what is happening to me here?
Seems a bit selfish? I am wanting to go and grab Luke Russert and tell him that really, deal with it all now. Cry now, don't wait, because if you wait, you may just wait so long that it gets to a point that you just turn to stone over it... then there is just a hard spot that feels like it will explode.... then that.. that turns to unbearable pain over a number of years.. and then, my sweet boy, that may become physical pain...that may last for, oh I don't know... 10 years or so...
But, I won't... because I learned my lesson FINALLY! Remember, I finally learned my lesson this year.. 40 was my year... It took 17 years, but I finally did cry. It was a river, but I did finally cry. So, there was really no need for all that nonsense.... whew!
Yes, I feel a huge sense of grief for a family that I do not know that doesn't know me. I can empathize with people all over the globe that lose their father. I wish that I could get with them and let them know that it really WILL be okay. It may take a "bit" of time.
Geez. I just reread this and am trying to decide whether to leave this in. Can't decide. If it is raw emotion that you are suppose to leave in, then I should leave it in. While reading it, what came to mind was Princess Diana's boys and how they had to maintain control while seeing their mother during the funeral procession...
People marveled at their strength and cried with them through their tears. But, there was no way that the cameras captured their emotions. The cameras cannot get inside our heads and our hearts. These deep emotions are saved only for us. We have to experience them only in our time when it feels right for us. It sneaks up on us only when we can handle it, and unfortunately, that is usually when we are completely alone...
But, I think I may change my view on that and say, by experience, that I find that a quite fortunate thing. Being very alone is the best time to experience true heartache of this nature, for it is in those times, that is when you have the company of the Lord, in his truest sense. If you have ever been able to find God, that will be when.
I say that with every amount of faith and without any religious affiliation. I hope that doesn't sound sacriligious. I do not mean it to. I mean it in the most literal sense. It was not until I was at the bottom of it all and could take no more that I finally said, "OK, I give up". That is when I heard it. Not from outside, and not from a cloud... but from within my own self...
I finally was able to listen. I finally got quiet enough and calm enough to listen. I stopped being angry about my father's death and listened to what was being told to me, and it came from within. God had been with me all along just waiting... And now.... It is all okay... And I am not afraid anymore, not for my father and not for me.... just like that...
Whewwww...a little deeper than I meant to tonight... I was going for something else, but my fingers starting typing about Tim Russert and his family and I knew that I couldn't go anywhere else but here. I feel a little cleansed by this. A little lighter somehow. I haven't even talked about my father much, so this may be the start of something very real... I thank you for helping this far in my journey, and I have to say, I surely did not think it was going to lead me in this direction... surprise...surprise...surprise....
36 comments:
It was very good for you to write this. I think it's going to touch a lot of people, not just yourself. so you don't need to feel that this post was totally selfish. I'm sure there are many who can toally relate, who have lost one of their parents in a sudden way.
Death is something that can kinda get anyone down...However long it's been since its occurence....I did a post on Death when someone i hardly knew from my office died recently...And it really did have a weird impact on me...
The fear of losing a parent is always, always with me and my sis...Surprisingly I've never feared my own death... I've been rather impassive about that, but that of my parents scares the living hell outta me everytime..Like right now :(
Hi Kayce....
Even the death of someone we don't know personally can bring up raw emmotion within us...
You said it took you a long time to cry when your father passed away...maybe in your subconscious, you did not want to cry because then it would mean you had to accept that he was really gone and wasn't returning...this may not be the case, but a possibility.
A lot of people fear death...because its the unknown, no one knows what happens for sure, as with anything in our life, if we haven't experienced it, we may hold many emmotions and one of them being fear.
You posts always leave a lasting impression that gets the mind thinking, take care Kayce :-D
Each word and sentence reflects vividly those hidden emotions from the depth of your heart that time has failed to heal! Suffice to say that not every pain can be healed by time! Some wounds hurts forever and time does not make it any easier!
How can time erase the lasting memory of the ever present male voice you ever heard in the world at growing up? That voice that assured you that you of your safety? How can time blot out the softness of his touch and his warm caress? How can time fizzle out those eyes that gives a lasting assurance of his love and devotion to you! Tell me how can time erase such a one who has already become a part of your existence, your reality, your definition of life? Time can't heal such wounds!
However, when we pour out our pains like torrents of rain, it helps ease the pains and in such moments, our burdened heart finds expression! Divest of all unanswered questions, insecurities and nagging thoughts, we let others share in the river of experience that now flows unrestrictedly, bringing relief, hope and gratification! For a heavy heart needs no greater relief than the realisation that "I am not alone in this", "Someone out there has been through this".
Therefore, I won't tell you to forget those loving memories of a father so dear to your heart. But, let it out! Express your feelings as they come to you! Unburdened your heart like a mighty waterfall and let the water flow unrestrictedly! For somehow, someday, somewhere, sometime - not too far, you will find an aisle to nest! And maybe accept those things you cannot change! But you can NEVER forget it!
It hurts to lose a father! It is no doubt a great loss! But you can find happiness in making him proud!
May his beautiful soul finds true rest in the world beyond...
Hi?
I lost both parents in 2000 but it wasn't until
6 years later that I actually mourned there loss.
Even then it wasn't a river of tears it was more
about lost opportunities throughout there lifetime
that I didn't approach subjects of interest or wonder
why they were married and what there hopes and fears
were. We were not a close family hence very little
remorse. I think it's wonderful that you still can write about your father, and yes some hurt does not go away with time but the more you remember your father the longer he will strong in your heart.
He will always be with you and smiling at your
accomplishments.
p.s. Kayce, thanks for your lovely comments at my
blog.
kc The thing I fear most about death is that i will
outlive one of my children. This scares me far more
than my own death.
We are often reminded of how easily our lives can be affected by the losss of a loved one. No one is immune from death's grip or profound sadness. We can only live in the now, and cherish our memories!
Good reading :)
kc
What a post. My goodness...you have done the right thing girl. You must allow yourself to feel everything. If you keep anything bottled up you are going to just have to deal with it later...I know from experience. It is WHAT you do with those feelings that counts...not the actual feelings themselves. Feelings don't destroy us...they guide us. You are brave to allow the emotion to slip out in words....it can be so personally revealing, nevermind the impact it might have on someone else.
I'll say a prayer for you today...you have been on mind since first reading your posts. Take care gal..you are on the journey as you say. The Million Dollars? Who knows if that will be defined in monetary or other means eh? (that is the Canadian coming out in me!:)
Ta....
Hello KC, nice susprise to see your comment, as I am travelling at the moment and not posting, but just had to put down that little haiku, before it evaporated in the summer heat... I see you are finding writing therapeutic, it is a great thing, and I am very glad for you, hope things are falling into place gradually and you are getting where you wanted to be all along.
KC, only you know how far your writing is going to take you, and it's perfectly all right if you can't go there yet. Know we are here to give you support. Hugs.
Thanks for your thoughts. No matter when it happens we will all go through loss, and it is going to be hard. It's nice to know that we have friends and family for shoulders to cry on, or maybe a blog here and there from strangers to know that we aren't alone.
Thanks
As usual, a highly articulate, expressive post. You obviously went through the wringer with your dad's passing, and even after all these years, you still feel it right in the solar plexus. I hope that writing through it, even though you couldn't actually *write* it, was helpful to you.
Evidently, your father was a very, very special man.
Hi Kc,
It is always a pleasure to read your posts as they convey that you post straight from your heart.
Reg.Death. It is ever painful when you hear about the death of anyone, even a complete stranger. It is the feeling we experience when you read or watch about an accident.
The actors and anchors come so close to us with their everyday appearances, we feel that we know them closely. So it pains when we hear about something dreadful happening to them. If it is our kith and kin, then the pain is immense. That may not come out in tears but the pain lingers for a long time. Time only can blunt the pain, though slowly. It never vanishes.
So keep posting and move on with life.
Cheers;
Manohar.
P.S:
KC, I think I am now addicted to your posts and comments on my page. Never stop. Bye..
It really isnt ur post that made me mellow but relating to the post...I try to put away thinkin on those lines like almost always...These days, after mum's heart attack and stuff, every small illness they have scares me...But i guess the only way to cope is to accept the way things r, however difficult!
it comes and goes,
touching people's hearts,
always waiting around the corner,
to meet someone,
someone,
who in this eternity,
would be her's,
someone,
she could share with,
it has been since the conception of time,that she has been waiting,
with no one to call her own,
she calls herself a lonely lass,
we, Death.
hey kc,
yes it is difficult to come to terms with realty but we r proggrammed to move on after somepoint of tme n we do, we all do somehow. that is vat life is n yes u wr right abt crying, very right.
You have great courage to write about these things. It will help you and others. You are a brave person.
Loosing somebody who is close to you is an intense experience.
Yes when we go through difficult times we have a frame of experience to be able to understand others.
I wish you all the strnehth and take care
A very strong story. I lost my grandfather (thankfully not my father yet) last year and had a big cry about it last week by just reading about it on my brothers blog. It brought relief too. I hope you can move (more) forward now.
I was seeing Tim Russert coverage in all news network. I was annoyed to be honest how media grasps on one news and forget the rest. But i am so happy to hear you got closure from that. I dread my parents dying but I can also accept thats sthe way of life.
This brought tears. I don't suppose we ever outgrow the pains of losing a "Daddy". Mine died in November and though I'm 45 it still hurt as if I was a small child again. And since it's been less than a year, each new event is marked in my heart as the first one without my Dad.
Hey K.C.! Thanks so much and thanks for sharing, and I definitely remember that you made a visit to the park :o) How fun!
This is a lovely post--- so releasing.
You dont have to clean the yuk . It the yuk that what makes us appreciate life even more.
Thanks for dropping in...keep visiting my blog...as for your article, very touchy.....nice reading...we gotta accept things in life and move on...
I've a request...do read the article 'When I knew laughter' in my blog... I'm sure it'll b very funny to read :)
I lost my mom over three years ago. It was just last year that I stopped reaching for the phone when I thought of something I wanted to talk to her about. Now I talk to her in my heart. I miss her every day. She was an important part of my life. She was my best friend, besides being my mother. Hang in there.
Hi Kayce....
Your posts are always from the heart, they really do get the mind thinking,keep posting from your heart Kayce, take care ;-D
Wondering why you have not updated!
I am used to reading your blog! Now I am worried...
Hope all is well?
Thanks for your comment on my blog - love your title!
What a beautiful post Kayce...it made me stop and think, about many things in life....and thank you for dropping by for a visit, I enjoyed your beautiful comments. Have a wonderful day! Blessings, Kathi :)
This is a beautiful, real post. I always find that when someone else loses a parent, that i relive my own losses. I think it's human nature. And I think it helps us heal along the way. Every little step does...
I had to come back and comment on this post...this is my first time here i think
Death can affect us in ways unimaginable to us. I lost my father too and the impact never leaves you. However what i learnt and what really got me through my grief is realising that memories never die. I talk about him so that the emotions don't purge in me...now its easy to deal with. I had to accept he was gone before i could grief...i literally had to release every fibre of loss to remember him more clearly.
You are on the way to healing if you're not already there
This is an inspiring post...
When I got the news that my father died, I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days. I was far away and could not be there for the funeral, so I cried, and cried, and cried. I still sometimes dream about him, but I'm glad I got the worst of the grief out then. I'm glad you finally got around to letting yours out.
Peace - D
kayce,
you write that which needs to come out.
the death of a parent is always very, very hard. the death of my mother floored me and put me in a depression for years. she's been gone for 15 years but it is only now that i can see photos and remember her fondly and lovingly without the tears gushing out.
i hope writing this post was a bit cathartic for you...never apologize, you just go ahead and do what you need to do...we're here to hold you and comfort you in our collective hearts.
blessings,
rebecca
p.s. - and thank you for dropping by and leaving that lovely comment...i'm glad you did because it gave me the opportunity to come on over and meet you.
That was such a shocker wasn't it?
I was feeling so horrible and the continual telecasting of the news didn't help matters any.
Kayce, Its about time girl. I remember lying in bed with you all those years ago(three days straight I think) wondering if you would ever be able to get to this point. Im so happy it finally happened. I miss you and Love You. Congrats with the job.
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