Allowance

Getting up this morning. Just posted last night. Wondering why I need to post again this morning. Just 3 months ago I wasn't writing anything. Why this incessant need to do it now? Why this need to write so much now? Why this need to have this goal anyway?

Just a little over a year ago, my life was not like this. I was miserable and now I am not. I was that one that was sitting in front of the TV watching TIVO all of the time. Now I am not. Now I have this definite purpose. I am on the lookout for.. What exactly?

I know that is what I have to get straight in my head. There is the big ole world out there. And it is such a big ole world. It is such a big ole magnificent world that I feel like I have missed out on. But, then I think again. Have I really?

I have grown up. I have hit every age between one and forty-one. I have the pictures to prove it. I had the dolls and the paper dolls. I was able to read Nancy Drew and play in the sprinkler out in the backyard. I was able to go to sleepovers and play with a Ouiji board until I was scared silly.

Then I was allowed to have a broken foot from falling off the top of a pyramid at cheerleading camp. I was also allowed to kiss my first boy in my own backyard playing spin the bottle at my Sweet 16th Party. He was the first one to break my heart, in the end that year.

I have gone to high school and played class president and drama club. I have seen college life and way too much of college life, but, to be honest, wasn't it little but fun? (Even if I do regret a bit of it.)

I was able to meet one or two men that I thought were my destiny, only to have my dreams shattered for the moment. I was allowed to lose my father, only to gain my husband 3 months later. He rode in like a knight in shining armor to rescue me from one of the most traumatic times of my life. I was able to see what true love was after true loss. I was able to experience what story books write about in terms of a fairy tale wedding, because I stood with a man that had truly taken me from heartache to heart-filled without even trying, with only being present.

I have been able to have my first child and to be able to look into the eyes of a first child and feel the overwhelming love that you feel knowing that you created that life....

Then, amazingly, I was able to do that again, and then again. What it is about creating life is so much more than my words know how to explain, but my heart does know how to feel. And I was blessed and still every day I am able to feel that as I watch my children live.

I get to watch them play in the sprinkler and get to help them read books. I get to help them make the calls for friends to have sleepovers. I get to hide in the closet for hide and go seek so that I can scare them silly. I get to experience the smiles and the joy of a being a mother.

Now, I am getting to watch my first born go through the trials of experiencing first love. I hear through the "grapevine" about that first kiss. It is a bit surreal, but it is taking me back and letting me know that yes, I have had such a complete and full life so far. And now, so are my children.

I am on this journey for a reason. Every experience so far has been for a reason. I have this goal for a reason. It has been put into my thoughts, and now I must act on it. I look at life so much differently now.

I want to see success in what I do. That makes playing the game of life different somehow. I think that I have played it well. But, now I want to play it grand. I want my children to play it grand. I want them to look around them and really notice the wonder around them.

I want to notice life as I am experiencing it. I can look back on it and notice it, but I want to notice it in the moment. I am a lucky girl, and I want to remember that while I live it today...