Sing along everybody!

"Oh, Yeah, It's My Birthday.. We're Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday!"


No, it's not really my birthday.. That's my attempt at being ultra cool and singing that cool song that all the kids sing when they are excited about something. You know how they dance around and lean back and cross their hands across their chests?


For those of you that do know that song... sing along with me.. "It's My Birthday.." For those that don't, just make up your own song for me and sing it to yourself for me...



I'll wait..






O.K..... Oh, yeah! I got the teaching job that I wanted... In the school that I wanted! In the grade that I wanted! "It's My Birthday!" "Celebrate Good Times, Come ON!!!"


So, there are people that aspire to greatness in ALL kinds of ways.. all kinds of ways. I have thought long and hard about my greatness. How is it that I am going to make my million dollars..


Hmmm. Hmmm... Well, I know that it is not going to fall into my lap right this moment. I know that the main part of my journey is to be a success in each moment. I know that the main thing that I want to do is follow my heart, and I have decided that I want to discover what that really means. One thing I have decided is: that means to follow my feelings. To do what really feels right in the moment.


And when things just start "Happening" for you and they feel right, then maybe that is what you are supposed to be doing.. I think that is what it means to follow your heart.


When I was in the 3rd grade, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Jones. I loved my class. I can picture that class so well. And I truly do remember wanting to be a teacher. While other people were aspiring to other great things, I was aspiring to be a teacher. I didn't think about the money, I just thought about the classroom.


I taught my dolls, my dog, the frogs or the rocks outside. And when I was in the 5th grade, the school was giving away all the books that they used that year because they were getting new ones. I literally made 3 trips back and forth from the school so that I could have an entire arsonal of school books to teach with at home.


I have known since I was a young child that teaching was my calling. I have been out of the teaching profession for quite a while and I have missed it since the day I left. There were various reasons why I left, but since I have been gone, there has been this emptiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on.


So, that brings us to the present. I have this goal in front of me... this million dollar goal. I have not wavered from that... but, as I said earlier, I am not expecting that to fall from the sky, so wouldn't it suit me best to live in the present the best way I know how?


And if I am living my best life right now, and living for an ultimate goal while being ever present, won't I surely get closer and closer? If I am happy, really happy... won't I learn how to be crazy successful in the process?

Soo... I stopped after that last sentence for an entire 24 hours and thought on it. Trying to decide about this whole thing... For some reason, completely out of the blue, the million dollar goal came to me last year.. Me.. this one person who never had a goal like that.

It is not so much of a goal as it is an... attainment... which I guess, yes, is a goal. But, it is not the same as it would be for someone in a business suit going out for the attainment of the money right now. It is, as I have said in one of my earlier posts, it is for the attainment of becoming what it takes to become the type of person who would be able to either:

A. Make that type of money
B. Save that type of money
C. Inspire others to make that type of money

However, those three statements had money all over them... all over them. But, once again... money is paper.. And paper, really is useless unless you know what to do with it. What good is your house, even if it is a really grand house if you don't enjoy it? A really grand house has to be cleaned and furnished and well, you know, you do need to live in it.

What good is it to have it if you are working all the time and never get to see it? We have been down that road, and it was a bit bumpy. I have to say that I am a little glad that we did it while we were young enough to see that it was not all that it was cracked up to be. We didn't see the upstairs as often as we thought that we would. The entire family lived mostly in one room. The little ones were pretty much afraid to sleep in their rooms that we spent an arm and a leg on to furnish.

What a waste of that paper that my husband worked his tail off to make...

Sorry about that trip down memory lane... or rather memory road with potholes... Yes, the house was Be-u-tiful, and it was all the rave, but it was all-the-headache... and well, now we are paying the piper for it still..

So, now, if you will let me come back into the present again... We are back in another beautiful home, but I am really trying to get myself to a place where I am trying to see...

Main focus... main goal... Happiness. True happiness. What is that? I felt that in my last post. Million dollars... yes, that could buy a lot of things... Why has this goal been put into my focus? And it really has... It is on the brain.. Teaching... it is also on the brain, and it really did fall into place, and I feel like I am following my heart on this one.

I feel like I am talking in circles here... if you are reading this, do you feel like you are listening to one of those girls that rambles incessently? Write it out... Write it out... Write it out....

I am getting it out of my head to try to see why I have been given this focus. Hmmmm... I know that it is coming... I guess all of that to say that I know that the good in life is coming my way, and that I feel it.

You ever just "had that feeling"? It's one thing to "have that feeling" for a minute or two.. But to have that feeling for all the time... Yeah, it's good. Not in a delusion of grandeur sort of way, because it is not like that. It's just in a "Life is good" sort of way.

Because like the great scholar, Hannah Montana, says, "Life's What You Make It.. So Let's Make It Right!"

And, I fully intend to... and if for now, if it is my destiny to touch one student's life in some way then that is what I intend to do...

What is much, much more exciting to me, however, is that it may be the destiny of one those student's to cross MY path. It may be their purpose to touch me in such a profound way as to change my life forever. And now that I think about it, I really do have no doubt that that is precisely what will happen.

Because it really is very hard to be in the life of children and not react to their actions, much less the stories behind their actions....

Oh, geez, I have now gotten myself so much more excited about my new job than before, for I now know that this is where I am suppose to be.. I wonder which one of those students will change my life FIRST? And when they do, will I remember to know that it is happening? Surely I will, for that is why I am on this journey...

O.K. back to the present.. Everybody now... "It's My Birthday.. We Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday..." Because I REALLY have a reason now...

View from space

Okie Dokie, Artiechokies... I am putting some Glade Sanitizers all around this post in every corner.. airing it out...

I have to say that I feel so much better.. so much lighter. So much more.. yeah, cleansed. I have heard that word thrown around so much in different ways, but never really knew what it meant, but now, well, I have had a dose of it.

I went on NASA's site. I pulled up one of those really clear pictures of the earth that they took from one of those high dollar satellites that they put into space. Yeah, I don't know the name of it. I am so ignorant about those things that it is sad. They spent all of that money and all of that research to do that, and I didn't even take the time to remember the name of the satellite.

This is what I did do, though. And it did take some of my time, not as much time as it took to put the satellite into space.. I'll give them that. I looked up where all of the people that responded to my last post came from... all that had listed their locations...

On NASA's site, there was a picture from space that showed the Earth in all of her magnificent glory. And when I say that, I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about that. It brings me almost to my knees.

Anyway... I found my location on our beautiful big planet as best as I thought I could. Then, I started trying to find the locations of those who had left comments for me.

What I found in doing that is that even though it is a big world indeed... it is not so big of a world after all. Being able to look at it from "outside of it" made it seem small and manageable.

I was looking at it all and I was able to see all of you with your "go-go-gadget" arms reaching out to me. It was as if there were no barriers. How is it that that is possible if we live in different towns? Cities? States? Countries? Continents?

We, as human beings, have now found a way to communicate with each other in an instant across the world and give comfort to one another. I was able to gain comfort, real comfort from people that I have never met.

For heaven's sake... there were people PRAYING for me.. that did not even know me...

People are having riots in the world right now complaining about.. What is this world coming to? I will tell them... This world is a wonderful, wonderful place...

Again, I do not know who started the whole space program... I do not know who put that particlar satellite into space that showed me that particular view of the earth that I was able to see. But, could they, would they ever know that there would one day be a person whose entire life would be changed because they realized that love from across the entire world could pour in within a matter of seconds?

Surely, that was not their intention... But, does that really matter? So many discoveries are being made from those satellites going up into space... So many scientific, really-do-matter discoveries are being made...

But, to me, this really-did-matter. Your comments really did matter. And let me tell you how they impacted my life all the way around...

I don't have any idea if you saw the light hearted movie "Bruce Almighty"... It was funny... it was.. But at one point in the movie, Jim Carrey was able to see his girlfriend praying for him, and it touched him so profoundly that it changed him... he also was able to hear prayers from people... and it changed him...

I don't know how to explain this to you.. I don't... Again, this has nothing at all to do with religious affiliation and it is not to sound sacriligious. But, I am telling you all, I felt your "prayers" for me, for lack of another word. With each comment that came in, I felt comforted.

And when I went onto that NASA sight and looked at our planet, it was as if those engineers all those years ago had made that satellite just for me as if to say, "See, Kayce, this big ole world can handle what ever it is you need. Just ask. We are all here for you. You just have to ask us."

There was one blog that I went to when I was searching around that had a guy named Matt Hardy that just went all over the world dancing.. yeah, dancing.. and everyone joined him. And you know me and my dancing. I was just pouring tears of gratitude to be led to that site. I watched it 5 times. The world can be pulled together in such small ways.

Of course, NASA spent a cajillion dollars doing it and their image, again, pulled me to my knees... but honestly... it was you guys that have put me on my knees several times in the last few days in severe gratitude....

As I explained, eighteen years years ago, at age 23, my life changed forever.... and now at age 41, it did again...

Cleansing

I am trying to decide what I want to write about tonight. This is a tough one. My husband is in the other room right now watching a recording of "Meet the Press". I am not sure how far I am going to go with this one. It goes a bit deep for me. Not on the surface, because I didn't know Tim Russert.

He was a prominent news reporter in America and around the globe. I don't watch a great deal of news television, but I did know who Tim Russert was, so of course it was a blow to hear of his death. How could it not be? It is very surreal to hear when someone who is on television so much dies. How in the world can that really happen? Aren't those people suppose to be, like, superhuman?

But, wait... are they not just super humans? As in humans that did super things... not only for us on television.. but also for us super humans at home watching our televsions?

Don't you think that Tim Russert probably spent his whole life just like us working really hard in grade school hoping for that day that he would get to have his 15 minutes of fame, just maybe? And, I have no idea, but maybe he thought that he got it when he hit a home run at the little league game, or maybe he thought it was when he saw stars during his first kiss...

I don't know Tim Russert... but from all the press he gave and all the press he is now receiving, there is no doubt that he was a great man. I would imagine that his fifteen minutes probably began sometime after he collapsed.

I am not an authority on what happens after we die. I have yet to be there, and I have to say that I am not standing in line to be the first. But, because of the experiences that I have been through, I do have to say that I have no fear.

I was personally there with a great man when he went.

This is a heavy subject, I know, so if now is the time to leave, then it may be best to go. I have heard it said when you feel the need to write, then write and write some more.

To watch someone die when they are so alive is a hard thing to see in the moment. It was almost 18 years ago that I walked through the Ole Miss College Football Stadium with my father.

It just took me 20 minutes to write the above 2 sentences...

That is the impact that the unexpected death of a father has on a daughter... Hmmm... Maybe I am not so ready to write about it after all... I just can't tell the story.. So I just won't right now. I'll save it for another day.

I don't have fear of my own... I can crank out the words now, but I can still not talk of his. Isn't that something? It took me 20 minutes to write 2 sentences because I relived the most tragic ordeal of my existence. And that happened over 18 years ago. I promise that I have moved on with my life, as long as I am not thinking about it. But, that is why I said that in the beginning of the post... I was planning on writing about something else, but as soon as I entered the blank page, I heard the TV going...

It was about Tim Russert... it got me thinking about the man and his family. The effects will be following him for awhile. Those effects last for a bit, to say the least.

Aw geez, this has become an all -about- me post, and I didn't want all that. Really and truly, I don't want all this sympathy..really. I stay away from that as much as possible.

I am completely pointing out how much it takes to deal with it all...how it affects different people.

OK, this is about Tim Russert... I have gotten myself into a bit of a tizzy. That seems to happen to me when I hear about someone who loses their father. It seems to take me back to a time that really was tough. Can anyone out there tell that is what is happening to me here?

Seems a bit selfish? I am wanting to go and grab Luke Russert and tell him that really, deal with it all now. Cry now, don't wait, because if you wait, you may just wait so long that it gets to a point that you just turn to stone over it... then there is just a hard spot that feels like it will explode.... then that.. that turns to unbearable pain over a number of years.. and then, my sweet boy, that may become physical pain...that may last for, oh I don't know... 10 years or so...

But, I won't... because I learned my lesson FINALLY! Remember, I finally learned my lesson this year.. 40 was my year... It took 17 years, but I finally did cry. It was a river, but I did finally cry. So, there was really no need for all that nonsense.... whew!

Yes, I feel a huge sense of grief for a family that I do not know that doesn't know me. I can empathize with people all over the globe that lose their father. I wish that I could get with them and let them know that it really WILL be okay. It may take a "bit" of time.

Geez. I just reread this and am trying to decide whether to leave this in. Can't decide. If it is raw emotion that you are suppose to leave in, then I should leave it in. While reading it, what came to mind was Princess Diana's boys and how they had to maintain control while seeing their mother during the funeral procession...

People marveled at their strength and cried with them through their tears. But, there was no way that the cameras captured their emotions. The cameras cannot get inside our heads and our hearts. These deep emotions are saved only for us. We have to experience them only in our time when it feels right for us. It sneaks up on us only when we can handle it, and unfortunately, that is usually when we are completely alone...

But, I think I may change my view on that and say, by experience, that I find that a quite fortunate thing. Being very alone is the best time to experience true heartache of this nature, for it is in those times, that is when you have the company of the Lord, in his truest sense. If you have ever been able to find God, that will be when.

I say that with every amount of faith and without any religious affiliation. I hope that doesn't sound sacriligious. I do not mean it to. I mean it in the most literal sense. It was not until I was at the bottom of it all and could take no more that I finally said, "OK, I give up". That is when I heard it. Not from outside, and not from a cloud... but from within my own self...

I finally was able to listen. I finally got quiet enough and calm enough to listen. I stopped being angry about my father's death and listened to what was being told to me, and it came from within. God had been with me all along just waiting... And now.... It is all okay... And I am not afraid anymore, not for my father and not for me.... just like that...

Whewwww...a little deeper than I meant to tonight... I was going for something else, but my fingers starting typing about Tim Russert and his family and I knew that I couldn't go anywhere else but here. I feel a little cleansed by this. A little lighter somehow. I haven't even talked about my father much, so this may be the start of something very real... I thank you for helping this far in my journey, and I have to say, I surely did not think it was going to lead me in this direction... surprise...surprise...surprise....

Sushi teaches a lesson

I put 20 more dollars into the purse. Yes, I have a purse now. I changed it from the Cash Stash to the purse now. I put aside money into a savings purse "often". Ideally, every day. Then, I stand there not unlike a cartoon character and do a dance of thanks. Reason being, because, really and truly, I am so thankful that I have remembered to save that money that I am putting in there. I wasn't doing that kind of savings a few months ago and now I am. I am reaching me a big time goal here.

And those of you that are not new to my story, you will not be at all surprised to believe that I probably even sing a little bit while at my savings purse. So there I am dancing and a-singing. And, it is looking a-little silly, and I am just not even caring in the least. Reason being, I am happy and I am so unbelievable faithful each time I put that money in that my goal is coming true.

Okay, so that's that.. I had to go into all of that, because my dancing tirade just occured before I sat down and I am a little winded. The dog is, too, for he was running full speed away from me, for it scares the little critter a bit. (Really, I am no Jennifer Lopez.)

But, I am working on the body image. Still trying to get the old body into shape. Still trying to do the walk/run. Trying to eat right... trying to anyway... Oh, oh... get this.. at our local Kroger. . guess what they are selling now.. just guess.. anyone? anyone? Bueller? Bueller? No?

Sushi! Sushi! They are selling Sushi! The ultra cool sushi! Right there at Kroger! I can be ultra cool buying sushi at Kroger! People can see ME buying sushi right here! And guess what....I can't even so much as SMELL sushi without gagging... ughhhh...

But... there I stood... in front of the sushi counter looking at all the sushi .. All the different kinds with the seaweed and the raw tuna and the ginger and all the other stuff I couldn't really look at.. but I did. And there were all the people that I saw walking past me.. Looking at me looking at the sushi. And you just know that they thought that I was just that ultra cool, hip, awesome, far-out mom who was buying sushi. You know that they were wishing they were me. They were wishing that they had my pallette...

So, I reached in and grabbed me some sushi and put it in my basket. Meanwhile, my children were making every groaning noise they could come up with about how completely gross it was. They were making loud announcements about how badly I hated the sushi. I had to use that mom voice, you know the one where you put your lips so close together that they look like they are just one line. I had to say, "Would you please be quiet? Mommy loves sushi now!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK! YOU SAID IT WAS DISGUSTING AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW ANYONE WOULD EAT IT!"

Okay, so there were a few bumpy parts in the whole scene, but for the most part, I DID look the chic sushi patron. I had an extra bounce in my step.

So, we carried our step up to the cashier and I made sure that my sushi stayed right on top of our basket. I made sure that it was right on top of the Fruitty Pebbles and Ruffles. I didn't want it to fall over onto the boxes of Dum Dums or Oreos.

While the cashier pulled the sushi out, the young boy who was sacking the groceries said, "Do you eat this?" Now I was ready to shine... "Why, yes I do.." I said it with my nose striaght in the air... He said, "You have got to be kidding me"

Well, that is where the facade ended. He and I busted out laughing, for I had been coming to this Kroger forever, and I just am not the type. I told him, though, he had better put my sushi right on top. Just give me that much. I want to pretend like everyone really does care what I am eating, and that I have a chance of eating it. And that next time I come in, I am going to be wearing my tennis outfit when I get here..

I am going to come in here in my tennis outfit, holding my Starbucks, and I am going to buy me some Sushi... and that is that... "But, Mrs. Neal, you don't drink coffee..."

You would think that matters to me, those things... but the truth is, I really do want to like sushi because so much of the world likes it.. Why can't I like it...? But, for a moment there in Kroger, I felt myself get caught up in thinking, "I wonder if anyone is watching me with my sushi?" Then, I really did think, "I wonder if that is the stupidest thought that I have ever had?"

But, haven't I lived a lot of my life like that? Don't I pick out my clothes based on what others think? Don't I buy my car based on what others think? Don't I think many thoughts based on what others think? Why?

I was telling the sushi story to my mother at her office later that day, and we were all having a big laugh over it. The tennis outfit shortly followed. Then another lady pitched into the story that she would never be caught dead in a Moo-moo.. (If you are unfamiliar with one of these monstors, they are an oversized gown that does/does not zip up the front) For the most part they are considered a bit unattractive by most civilization.

On the other hand, they are considered one of the most comfortable peices of clothing by 99.9% of all who wear them. Then she turned to ask anyone in that office had ever had one.....

Welll...... my mother and I both put up our hands with pride.... This lady just couldn't believe it. No, Kayce, not you! I told her that while wearing a tennis outfit made me feel as hip as Posh Spice, coming home and sliding myself out of it with a crow bar and easing into my ugly moo-moo made me feel like Kayce. And I was proud of it!

Proving that to be embarrassed of yourself is to loose yourself....

But, I do have to say with all honesty, if I had company come over while in the monstor moo-moo, I would have to crank out the reserve sushi and offer them a bite just to offset the moo-mooness a bit. Get us back on some neutral ground....

I wonder how many people are like this....I wonder how many people I see buying all this "fru-fru" ness are doing so just for the looks of it? I know how often I do it, and now I am beginning to see just how unneccessary it is. And I am a little disgusted with myself for it..

I am learning. I can make fun of myself for it, but I can also be quite a bit ashamed about it too. For does a shirt without a lable mean that the person who fills the shirt is not a quality human being? Does a car without a high quality symbol mean that the driver does not have some relevance to offer this world?

Does a person who is not drinking a name brand soda not deserve to sit with those who are drinking a soda that costs 45 cents more? This name game has gotten just a bit out of control...

And where does it stop? It seems that if you want to play tennis, then you should be able to do so in your t-shirt and sweats just as surely as you can in your cute matching stretchy suit. If you want to play basketball, play it in the streets with a broken net just like those who play it in a $5000 a year gym membership.

Want a boyfriend, look for one who is kind and decent on the inside first, not who is wrapped in fine clothes and drives fancy cars from the outside.

I saw a man today as I was leaving in my own car. I was going down the street and he was pulling out of a driveway in what had to be a $75,000 SUV. He obviously didn't see me and he pulled out so quickly without looking that he almost hit me. I honked the horn just in time for him to slam on his breaks. He pulled back into his long drive way quite far.

When I looked back into the rear veiw mirror, he had his head bent over the steering wheel. I turned my car around to make sure that he was okay. At closer look, he was crying. He was really sobbing. I slowed down a bit, but I didn't get out. In this case, I didn't feel it was my place. Maybe it was, but I just didn't know.

There had to be something going on in his life to make him be so absorbed in his thinking as to not look behind him before zooming out of that driveway like that. And then, when I honked, it startled him back into reality. There are endless possibilities as to what that reality could have been.

He could have just been in an argument with his spouse, friend or child. He could have just lost a loved one. He could be in enormous debt and had no way out that he could see.... And the list could go on and on. I would never know.

We all have issues, and it is about us, not what we drive or what we wear, or especially what we eat... Thank God....

And for those of you that like Sushi... I envy you... I really want to...I think maybe it's the soy sauce.... Or maybe it's just the sushi trying to teach me a lesson....

Allowance

Getting up this morning. Just posted last night. Wondering why I need to post again this morning. Just 3 months ago I wasn't writing anything. Why this incessant need to do it now? Why this need to write so much now? Why this need to have this goal anyway?

Just a little over a year ago, my life was not like this. I was miserable and now I am not. I was that one that was sitting in front of the TV watching TIVO all of the time. Now I am not. Now I have this definite purpose. I am on the lookout for.. What exactly?

I know that is what I have to get straight in my head. There is the big ole world out there. And it is such a big ole world. It is such a big ole magnificent world that I feel like I have missed out on. But, then I think again. Have I really?

I have grown up. I have hit every age between one and forty-one. I have the pictures to prove it. I had the dolls and the paper dolls. I was able to read Nancy Drew and play in the sprinkler out in the backyard. I was able to go to sleepovers and play with a Ouiji board until I was scared silly.

Then I was allowed to have a broken foot from falling off the top of a pyramid at cheerleading camp. I was also allowed to kiss my first boy in my own backyard playing spin the bottle at my Sweet 16th Party. He was the first one to break my heart, in the end that year.

I have gone to high school and played class president and drama club. I have seen college life and way too much of college life, but, to be honest, wasn't it little but fun? (Even if I do regret a bit of it.)

I was able to meet one or two men that I thought were my destiny, only to have my dreams shattered for the moment. I was allowed to lose my father, only to gain my husband 3 months later. He rode in like a knight in shining armor to rescue me from one of the most traumatic times of my life. I was able to see what true love was after true loss. I was able to experience what story books write about in terms of a fairy tale wedding, because I stood with a man that had truly taken me from heartache to heart-filled without even trying, with only being present.

I have been able to have my first child and to be able to look into the eyes of a first child and feel the overwhelming love that you feel knowing that you created that life....

Then, amazingly, I was able to do that again, and then again. What it is about creating life is so much more than my words know how to explain, but my heart does know how to feel. And I was blessed and still every day I am able to feel that as I watch my children live.

I get to watch them play in the sprinkler and get to help them read books. I get to help them make the calls for friends to have sleepovers. I get to hide in the closet for hide and go seek so that I can scare them silly. I get to experience the smiles and the joy of a being a mother.

Now, I am getting to watch my first born go through the trials of experiencing first love. I hear through the "grapevine" about that first kiss. It is a bit surreal, but it is taking me back and letting me know that yes, I have had such a complete and full life so far. And now, so are my children.

I am on this journey for a reason. Every experience so far has been for a reason. I have this goal for a reason. It has been put into my thoughts, and now I must act on it. I look at life so much differently now.

I want to see success in what I do. That makes playing the game of life different somehow. I think that I have played it well. But, now I want to play it grand. I want my children to play it grand. I want them to look around them and really notice the wonder around them.

I want to notice life as I am experiencing it. I can look back on it and notice it, but I want to notice it in the moment. I am a lucky girl, and I want to remember that while I live it today...

Putting out the chairs

Umm, yea, well... see, if I were going to.. well, Yeah.. that's right..

Geez, Louise.! That is exactly how most of the answers to my interveiw questions went today. I finally got to go and interveiw with the county office concerning the teaching position. And this 6 year veteran of the teaching field is a bit out of practice. YA THINK???

Can you tell that I have stayed home with children for 5 years. I completely forgot to put my big people vocabulary back in. Wow, and wow. I felt like something out of the Twilight Zone in there. And lucky that I wore black because I was sweating profusely. While trying to maintain that professional look.

The Assisstent Superintendent to the God of the Schools kept telling me I was doing fine while she nodded her head in complete exasperation because she was basically having to make up answers for me.

I promise, the last time I was a teacher, my principle just gave me the job... no interviews. And when I became a nurse, it was basically the same thing. Short and sweet. This hurt me.. HURT ME!

I finally said, "I promise I am a good teacher. Really... Please check my references. I am obviously just hidieously lacking in the interveiw department." She chuckled a bit, but she didn't exactly giggle like I would have preferred.

What she did do then was turn back in my file to my references, and though I couldn't really see them, I did lean forward enough to get somewhat of a peek. And sure enough, there they were. My former principal, vice-principal and a subordinate teacher had sent in their recommendations for me. And from all the handwritting that I saw, they wrote a novel. I could tell by the circled adjectives that they wrote some very nice things.

I was touched and was almost brought to tears right there in the room. I have come along in this journey long enough to realize that this was something special that they did for me. They had to take time out of their very busy days, fill out the very long forms, walk out to their mailboxes and send those forms in for me, in hopes that I would get this teaching job that I want.

Not one person, but three. And they all did it. These are three people that I admire. And they did that for me. That is why I do believe in angels on earth who can change your world. I have no idea exactly what was said on those forms, but I do hear the flapping of wings... that I do know.

It reminded me of how people do things all the time for others behind the scene, and it is never even noticed. I have mentioned before how my son plays the guitar. We are working on getting him in where we can. Right now, he has his sights set on playing on the stage with the big band at the church that we are visiting. It is a large stage with a rather large band.

The first day that we went, that is what caught his eye... the guitar player. Well, it is an adult band, but Parker said he would definitely be able to play up there, even at 14. So, I told him I would have to figure out who had to be spoken to, etc. Also, I felt sure we would have to join the church first.

JUST SO HAPPENS, (isn't that always the way), a good friend of mine from high school goes to church there. He had moved to Nashville to do his music thing there. But, just recently has moved back to our home town due to parental illnesses. Now, lo and behold, he is working at this church. Hmmmm.... I called him and told him I needed Parker in with someone who knew what was going on...

Also, saw another friend at this church from school (remember, we've been out 20 years) and this girl is also friends with the Nashville guy. I tell her about Parker and seeing Nashville... She says great...and so on...

Okay, so everyone says great... We go to a few lessons with Terry and then it peters out a bit... So, I am wondering maybe that wasn't the path I thought it would be..

But, then I see them at a ball game, My girl friend and she says... By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name to Danny, our youth minister, he is dynamic and he is incredible with the guitar... that is who Parker needs.

I see Terry a week later who says.. "By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name.... you get the picture..."

There were unseen angels working for my Parker for his future that we didn't even know about. And now Parker is playing his guitar with the band on Sundays. Just like that. The music director is fantastic and will push my 14 year old in the direction with the contacts he needs.
I was floored.

That leads me to one story that I am not sure I can make it through. We have friends that we grew up with, Gary and Stacy. College sweethearts. 3 kiddos. Had it all. Affluent neighborhood.
Everybody want to be them. Then one morning...it's all done... Stacy never made it to her destination....she was killed on the way. 36 years old. Yeah, that changed that world forever....

What do you do? What can you do? People were scrambling EVERYWHERE... Their house was packed. More food than you could even begin to eat. More errands being run for no reason because no one knew what they could do.... More e-mails being sent to just say something... Just anything....

But, the night before Stacy's funeral, life went on in the church. The kids had basketball practice like they usually do. This would be the same site as the funeral. So about half way through the practic, a husband and a wife that were good friends of Stacy's were there at the church putting out the chairs for the funeral. They were doing this all by themselves. There were to be over 1000 people there. And David and Ashleigh were there in their own quiet way doing this enormous task at 9pm on a Monday night, even though they had 3 children of their own. They found a way to have someone watch their children while they made sure that those chairs were placed properly for their friends funeral.

They spoke not a word while they did it. All I could do was sit in the back and weep while I watched them. For, it took me back to a time when I remembered feeling very, very alone. It was when my father died. I had so many times that I saw the people there, but I had no idea what those faces meant. And by watching David and Ashleigh put out the chairs, I now knew.

Everyone who came to me for my father had done something to be there. They had left work, or they had cooked. Or they had arranged babysitting. Or they had cried all the way. Or they had ordered flowers.

Or, maybe, just maybe, they had set out the chairs...

Everything's a story

Okay, put 20 more dollars in. Yeah, I put a penny in too. I have to be honest. I was more excited about that penny then I was about the 20 dollars. It is a little bit easy to go and get that 20 dollars out of my husbands wallet and put it in the cash stash, but finding those hidden pennies... not so easy.

The point of getting the money out of Tony's wallet is so that we do not spend it on unnecessary things. I am taking the money and putting it into an account little by little. And then when there is enough... well, to be honest.. I just don't know. I don't know if we will invest... I guess that is what we will do.

I don't know if we will open a franchise of some sort. Maybe..

One of my best friends that I grew up with now has 35 fast food restaurants. They started with just one when we were in high school. That is a thought as well. We live in a very fast growing city. Things are going up everywhere. They are talking about opening about 25 Dunkin Doughnuts in our area. Maybe we should jump on that bandwagon... I dunno.

It just doesn't feel right. Just because one of my best buds from school did it, does that mean that it is my road? Just doesn't feel right. And is that how you are suppose to live your life? I am just not so sure.

Would I want to get up every day at 3 AM to make doughnuts just for the dough? (God, that was terrible.. I am thinking of erasing it, but since I never, ever come up with any kind of pun, I'm going to leave it in..)

Either way.. back on point. I do know that I want to reach this goal. I do know that. I do know that I don't have to reach it tomorrow or next week. I do know that it is not about the money, it is about doing what it takes to become the type of person that makes that type of money.

And right now, I am in the middle of just learning a few life lessons that I have missed for 41 years. And how is it that you miss it? I guess because you are so busy living that you just miss the lessons in it all.

However, now that I am paying attention, it is making life so much more interesting. For example, right now, I am sitting here looking around the room. There are so many things sitting in this room that I pass everyday and pay very little attention to. Why is that? How is it that I have forgotten the meaning of each thing?

For example, right next to me here on my desk is a pen. Not just any pen, but the Majic Kingdom pen that my daughter bought last fall at Disney. How is it that I don't stop and smile each and every time I look at that pen like I am doing right now? Just thinking of her going on Space Mountain... geez, it was so fun. Her hair flying everywhere, me screaming like a small child.. so fun.

Next to that is the Ipod cord. Everytime I look at that I think of my son. My Parker, who constantly has that Ipod in his ears. BUT, the look on his face the day we gave him that Ipod. It was his birthday and weren't we good? We had really convinced him that there was no way that he was going to get it. Even though he HAD made straight A's. Even though he was everything we could want in a son. Yeah, that cord has some significance..

Next to the cord is a white sheet of paper. On that paper are some scribbled numbers. Just some numbers that my son Cole and his friends were writing on today while trying to figure out a puzzle while playing on the computer. They were so loud that I had to tell them to be quiet. But, for the most part, when I see his handwriting, doesn't it make me smile? Doesn't it remind me of how smart that kiddo is? How much he works during school and never has to be told to do his homework? And today, when I had to tell them to be quiet, it was only because they were laughing so much.. not so much of a crime there. Maybe I won't throw that paper away anytime soon. It might have a bit of significance to it.

Everything in my home has a story behind it. Everything. I want to experience my life to the fullest and know that I am going on this incredible journey for the right reasons. I want to look around me and remember what it is that I truly enjoy and that is what I want to build on.

I want to go where my heart leads me. I have never really understood what that means. I have heard it my whole life, but it always seemed like a lot of "pie in the sky" talk to me. But, I really do think there may be something to that. Those people might just know what they are talking about.

For some reason, I have been able to live in a time in history that has computers and automobiles and televisions. I live with not only running water, but bottled water that I am drinking at this very moment. But, more than that, I have finally, finally been given the gift of gratitude.

Somehow, I was never grateful for all of this. I just assumed that it was there for the taking. I never realized that all of this was, maybe, a gift. And we all know that the proper way to accept a gift is with a thank you.

So, now, each day is greeted with a thank you. Each surprise is greeted with a thank you. And there are so many surprises every day. There have always been those surprises, but I didn't notice them before. Now, I do notice, and because I do, more and more seem to be coming.

Therefore, I know, by what has been coming, that there will be such a better tomorrow. It makes me so excited to hear the phone ring, to hear the door bell, or to even hear my child call my name. Because with each one, that means that there must be something new.

When you know that the world is working in your favor, then there is no end to the possiblities. So, I think I might just have to pass on the Dunkin Doughnuts for now...

The slogan

I put $20.00 more into the stash today. For anyone new to this, and I update the purpose everyonce and a while, I am inching my way to a million dollars. If you have read the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, you do know that the Tortoise eventually reaches the finish line.

You know what? I am feeling a little bit smart right now, because I just now, in this very moment thought of that analogy. And the thing is.. the reason stories like that are passed down and taught to children is because they are so true to life, and wow, and wow again, I just applied that to my own life and my own goal. I ROCK!

Since I started with zero dollars , every bit of money that I put in my stash is more money than I started with. I put a little in here and a little in there, and what I am seeing is that I can inch in more and more each day. That is a little more than I had the day before. What I had thought all my life is that every little bit DIDN'T count, but what I am seeing is that every little bit DOES count.

I write my checks at the grocery store for 10 to 20 dollars over and put that into the stash. Meanwhile, I spend less than half than I use to spend on groceries and eating out now. I AM SLASHING PRICES! Yeah, I should start my own ad campaign for myself.

Ah, I just found my niche. Once I reach a respectable number, I am going to sell myself out to teach others how to do it. BUT, I am going to need some good slogans... I just found my first one:

THE TURTLE IS SLASHING HER PRICES--DON'T WAIT OR YOU'LL BE TOO LATE!

Yeah, that was a bit weak... I know, stop throwing cans at me... Ouch! That one caught me upside the headbone!

To get a bit, jut a bit serious again, I have gotten a bit more basic and a bit more profound about it. I was walking down the street at a ballgame and noticed a quarter on the cement. It almost glowed so bright as if it was calling to me. So, I picked it up and went to put it in my pocket. But, then I didn't. I remembered a purse from a slave from "The Richest Man in Babylon",

A slave decided that he would determine that his purse would be his purse of savings. This purse would be where he saved his money only for himself. Once it went in, it could not leave. That money was for him and it was not to be touched. He started with one penny, And with that one penny , he proclaimed that he would fill his purse until it was overflowing. He had the upmost faith in this. It took a bit of time, but not so much.

One tenth of everything that he made went into the purse. Everything else went to creditors, the church, and to his home. But, the sacred purse was his. I now have one such purse.

And it is amazing the faith that I have in this purse. Not because I can touch and rub it like a lamp, it is the fact that I truly have faith that i will do what I need to do to fill it..

I have placed it somewhere so that I have to pass it daily and I give it a little rub and a big thank you. I am not thanking the purse, for the purse doesn't have the power. It is my faith that has the power. My faith that I will be able to fill that purse. It is unwaivering that I will be able to do what i need to do in those moments, whatever they may be.

But, what I need to do is be the best that I can be. It is not all completely about the money. It is sounding like that so far, and I know that.

Oh, one other thing, I had been looking for real money, dollar bill denominations. I had overlooked the money that jingles. No more. This week I have been as thankful as can be to see a penny, a nickel or a dime, or a quarter. They get a jiggle dance and song all the way back to the purse with all kinds of gratefulness.

How I missed that, I have no idea. I guess that was going to come sooner or later. I was a little too dense on the front end to catch that.

This one is looking like it is a lot about money, but it is more about the majic that has occured. How finding small things and being so unbelievably grateful for them. I used to never care about small things and now I almost kneel down at a penny and thank the universe for one, much less two.

It leads me into being thankful in all areas of my life. It is leading me to realize that there are other areas of my life that are also simple that I have not taken the time to be thankful for. I think I am a fairly decent person, but have I really said thanks (not in a corny way) to everyone that I should at everytime?

Maybe I should start. Now with drippy syrup or anything, but I do think that it is warranted in some way. If my mother buys my daughter a bathing suit while she takes her swimming, did I show enough gratitude, or did I just allow her to do it because she always does that type of thing. It is a small thing I know, but maybe it could be a really bigger and nicer thing if I just said "that was awfully nice of you to take care of my maggie today, she looks awfully cute there!" That would make my mother's day.

Just the little things I can find to be thankful for:

When my daughter brings her food to the sink...Yes, that is her job, but do I thank her for that?

When my 14 year old doesn't put down everyone in the room with an attitude for 5 minutes straight...Do I make a point of saying, "I'm glad you are down here with us."

When my youngest son shares his gum that belongs ONLY to him after being asked only 3 times... could I just say Thank you , instead of "Why did it take you so long?"

This journey, I swear, is teaching me so much.

Those were little things around the house that just cropped up, but they are everywhere....

At the drive through, for extra ketchup... thanks...

At the Movie theatre, for the lack of a hassle... Thank you...GOD THANK YOU

Anywhere that anyone goes out of their way in the slightest for me, I have to know that they did that just for me. They deserve at the least, very least, a smile. Then a thank you. I would love to be sure that I go that extra mile and say to them, "You made my day".

That truly does change people, really and truly. The next few people that come in contact with them will be treated so well. Then that will start a chain reaction that will last for many many hours. And it can reach 100's if not thousands of people. It is so powerful .

And really it can start with one person acknowledging another human being's genuine kindness.

I hope that i can remember that tomorrow when I get up in the morning and see my childrens' faces, for that is where ultimate kindness starts... with little bedheds...

Looking Back

So much today. So many observations. I have found that since I have been writing this blog that I notice things more and more. I guess that is a good thing. I have found myself more and more observant of my own actions which I know is a really good thing. I have really made myself more accountable for how I act and what I say.

I find myself thinking about how others act, and then turning it on myself and thinking, "Who are you to judge what they are doing? Haven't you walked down that road a time or two, Missy?" And then I have to blush all by myself and remember that I probably have in the not so distant past. It is embarrassing to realize that I am not perfect. It is embarrassing to realize that I don't have all the answers, even though I want to talk so much and appear like I do.

Today was a perfect example of that. I was at Kroger. This was after going to the DMV to get my driver's liscence updated. I could write at book just on my experience with the DMV. Now THAT is something that I just don't even begin to know how to get ahold of. I don't know where the misery of that organization began. The lack of seating. The miserable employees. The LACK of employees. The hour luch break that doesn't begin NOR end when they post it, so everyone had to wait outside in the heat while they took their lunch....

See, I am not sure where to begin or end on the DMV. In my head I am wanting to keep going on it. But, there are so many emotions and thoughts swirling around about it, that it gets me riled up just thinking about it. And the thing is... I have my driver's liscence now, so does it really matter? It is done... the moment is over and I don't personally have to deal with it anymore. I can sit here and type about how awful the experience was, but is that going to help my life in ANY way? Is it going to help me reach this goal? I'm thinking not... But, wow, it IS hard to move away from the subject... But... I will...I think... Yes, I will....

Okay, on to Kroger, (still thinking of the DMV--it was rough), back in Kroger, I was shopping in the french fries, deciding between crinkle or seasoned and my mind was clearly focused on that. Nothing but that, when all of sudden, I heard "SIT DOWN!".

I looked down the aisle and saw a young woman, long blond hair pulled up in a pony tail. It looked like it had not been washed in a few days. No make up, shirt half tucked in, tennis shoes tied half way.

In the front of the shopping cart was a little girl who was probably a year old. She was squirming to get out of the basket. She was surrounded by one of those new quilted blankets that are fitted to the front of shopping baskets for babies. Next to the basket was a young boy who was around 4 years old who was looking up his mother and holding on to the basket.

"LET GO OF THE BASKET!" And about that time she caught my eye and just dared me to say something to her. She knew that she was being ridiculously over the top. She had to know. She was being so loud and so obnoxious. All I could think in the moment was "How dare you?"

But, then, I thought again. She had taken the time to put her baby in a quilted blanket in the front of the basket. What had transpired before I came down the aisle? Had she told her son several times to do something and he had not? Had I just walked into a single moment and missed something?

I started remembering being with my children when they were little at the grocery store. I remember what a trying time that was. For whatever reason, that is hard, hard thing to do. For anyone that has never done that, it should be a requirement. For those of you who have, you know exactly what I am talking about.

I am not complaining because I was blessed to be able to stay home with my children when they were little. But, at the time, in the moment, I couldn't see it. In the moment, with a basketful of groceries and three small children in a grocery store, I felt the stress. I felt the stares.

I do not remember ever yelling at my children. But, I do remember being unbelievably frustrated with the three people that I loved more than life. And over what? Putting their hands on boxes of organized cereal? I can look back at it now and see the light. I can look at it now and know that it was all situational.

Just like right now when my 14 year old wants to talk on the phone until the wee hours to his friends... will that really be such a big deal in 10 years? Probably not....

When my 9 year old wants to stay up and watch a movie until 2 AM with his big brother... won't I be glad that they had that time together in 10 years? Absolutely....

And my 7 year old... that peanut butter she just got in her hair last night...won't that be a hilarious story, versus such the stressful time it could have been had I not remembered what 10 years down the road will feel like.... I got lucky on that one.

I felt sorry for the lady in Kroger today. I wanted to feel sorry for her children too. But, when her kids go to bed tonight, I bet she hugs them. I bet that she will tuck them in and kiss them. I bet in the morning she will feed them the Lucky Charms that I saw in her basket when I saw her putting them in her car when I saw her leaving.

Some things we see that don't want to see. But today I saw something that I should have seen. It reminded me to be on the lookout for a better part of myself, even in those stressful times. And can't they all be stressful if we let them? But, really, what's the point...

First Kiss

Put one more dollar in. Yeah, I know it's one more dollar in. I know, I know... But, on the other hand... I know... It's one more dollar in. I lost sight of my goal like I said a couple of posts back. I was moaning and a-groaning about my current state so much that I just lost my way there for a bit. I didn't lose faith. Just lost my goal for a minute or two in time,but you know what, since time is an illusion anyway... does it really matter? For my purpose right now, I will go ahead and say "No, it doesn't really matter right now".

I know like I know like I know that it's coming. I will tell you today how I know that things are turning around in my life. Shall I tell a fable? NO? Shall I tell a moralistic tale? No, you say? Hmmm... a bedtime story? Well, you don't have to scream at me, I got it. You don't want to hear that either...

O.k. O.k. O.k... You want those unbelievably interesting tales of my homelife. Gosh, I know how so very exciting they are. I do, I do. So, I guess I will share what happened when that husband of mine came home from work today!

For those of you that have been following along in your workbooks, turn to page, um, 14. (Does that sound right?) For anyone else, you can just follow along right about here.

What you need to know is that our little family is in a bit of a financial crunch. And when I say crunch, I mean a "how-you-say" floor stomping beating. We are in deep "cocci". Well, I have no big issues with this, for it is only money to me and I have absolute faith that we will survive this and overcome it.

My husband on the other hand, who has gotten us into this sweet spot is not feeling quite as optomistic. He has been as down as a man can get without actually turning into a worm and slithering around on the ground. It has been hard to watch. I have been trying with all I can to encourage him and I have been "behind the scenes" with my faith in it. Because I believe in this man with all that am. He knows this, but he has to feel it within his own skin.

Well, earlier this week, he actually did get upright for a few hours and move around a little bit. Going to work and the like. Then he got up consecutively. That was a major milestone for someone in his position. But, then today, he came in and his face had a new light in it. A light that shone a little brighter. A light that was shining like he might have new information.

He came into the bathroom where I was getting ready and plopped his good-looking self up onto the counter. Then he began talking to me. To me. To my face. Like a friend would.

You have to understand here that he hasn't done this in so very long. He has been stressed out forever. He doesn't talk to me when he is stressed out because his rational is that he doesn't want me stressed out too. Seems backwards to me sense we are married. But, that is how he was brought up, so now the cycle is continuing. I have tried to break that cycle for the 16 years we have been married to no avail-- until now....

OK, so this is how he started... "Kayce, I went and talked to someone today."

Me--"You did, who?"
Tony--"Brian"

(Brain is a lawyer in our town who is also one of the best Christian men that Tony knows. Even if you take out the religious aspects of Brain, he is just a super overall great man. Tony admires him more than anyone on the planet. Tony lost his father a few years ago, so during this trying time, Tony has had no male figure to confide in.)

Me--"So, you went to Brian's office. How much courage did that take?"
Tony--"I almost didn't go. I circled his office three times before I pulled in"

(I was having to dab my eyes because I knew that my strong prideful husband was really probably having so many issues going through his mind to have to make himself go and put it all out there to someone he admired so much)

Me--"But, you did finally go in"
Tony--"Well, I decided that since there was just "something" telling me that I should go, then I might as well just do it"
Me--"Was he there?"
Tony--"Not only was he there, but he met me at the door and said "Tony Neal, I can't believe it is you, because just yesterday while I was mowing my lawn, I was praying for you"

Well, at that point in my bathroom, I literally broke down into tears, just as I am now. I mean you cannot even make something like that up.

This strong broken man of man was being prayed for unknowingly by someone who he admired more than anyone in the world at the very time that he was wanting to be with him. Now, COME ONE, please refute that. Please, please, try to tell me that was coincidence... I BEG OF YOU!

Tony said that Brian, the busy lawyer, dropped everything that he was doing for over an hour and sat with Tony. Tony told Brian everything. From the debt to his "habit", which I guess I can go ahead now and lay it out there, is gambling, to his worries about bankruptcy.

Brian eased his mind so much. He told him the same things that I had been telling him. Have faith. Brain believes in him just as I do. OK, so you messed up. Now, it is time to fix it. It is time to go to work and fix the problem. Stop focusing on the debt and focus on the solution.

How to do that, Tony wonders. "You are already doing it". Brain assured him of that. "You are already coming to a safe place where you know you are loved and admired. For Tony to hear a man that he admired tell him that he was admired, well, ohmylanta....

My husband may be getting "it". When he came home I told him that hitting rock bottom can be the best thing that can happen to a person because you can't go much farther down. And coming up feels so good.

Now, he is thinking that since he got it off his chest once, he is thinking about using his story as inspiration for others. But, he is a bit scared of what others will think. I told him that he has so many people who love him. And that out of 100 people that he may tell, there will be fewer than 5% that may, and that is a may, scoff him. The other 95% will love and support us through this.

And that will be when the success will return. And then we will be in a position to begin helping others because we will see how others have helped us. This was such a rewarding experience for both of us.

Then the icing on the cake occured. Yeah, I know, Tony got to feel good, I know he did. But, when did I? You know I gots to get mine...

When it was all said and done, he got down from the counter and came over to me, and took my face softly in his hands and kissed me. Not like a 16 year old married couple. But, like a couple who had just met at a bar kiss. You know that passionate first kiss....

What can I say, this man takes my breath away... I am quite lucky this way....

A final peace..

With each new post that I write, it seems that I have more and more to say. And the thing is... the thing is, I really didn't know that I had that much to say. No, I take that back. Since I was a small child, I have known that I had a world to say. Ask anyone who has known me, I have always had a world to say. So much so, that they have asked me to walk away sometimes. I even remember people falling asleep on the phone.

One of those people who fell asleep on the phone was my cousin, Debbie. She was that fun cousin. That one who you did everything with. That one who stayed up all night with. That one who you jumped on the trampoline with until you got sick. That one who you played games with and cheated and she didn't even care....

She and I went to church camp together. She and I went to church camp together and then snuck out so that we could go and meet boys and make out. (Yeah, she was that cousin...) So great. She was there when I did everything wrong. And I do mean everything. And she was right there with me cheering me on and having a great time.

But, she was also there with me when I gave myself to God, and she was cheering me on and having a great time. She held my hand through it all and told me I was doing the right thing then, too. She cried with me through it.

She was there with me when my father died. She stayed with me for the months and months afterwards when it was so hard to accept it. She never asked me why I didn't grieve the same way that everyone else did. She didn't ask me why I didn't cry all the time, even though she knew how much I loved my father, and even though she cried over him when I wasn't looking.

She was there with me when I got married. She stood up there with me and cheered me on, because she knew how happy I was. She knew how much I loved this new man I had found, even though I knew inside she was crying for she had lost one of her best friends. She knew that our relationship would never be the same. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I would be the same. I thought that I would still be there for her. I thought that I would still be able to devote the same amount of time to her that I had before.

But, I was wrong. With marraige, came children. And with children, came responsiblities and my time went to them. My time with Debbie over the next 15 years was few and far between and her life took on new path. She met different people and led a different life. She began drinking along the way somewhere and much more than I ever knew.

But, somehow, someway, surely I knew. How did I miss that? How and where along the way did I miss that? She was in and out of the hospital so many times in the past 15 years that she became a completely different person. That happy-go-lucky young girl that I knew was now a much older sad person who did not want to live anymore.

I know that it was not because of me. I know that her life did not revolve around me. I was not her entire life in our younger years. I was not her entire life in our twenties or thirties either. But, something, somewhere, along the way, seems like it could have all been prevented.

As I sat in the ICU room the day of her death, I sat there and wondered all of those things. What one thing and on what one day could I have said something to her to prevent this very moment from happening? As I sat there knowing that I would be with her while she died at age 36, from liver poisoning, what could have been done to prevent this wonderful human being from doing this to herself. Who, if not me, could have intervened to help her?

OR, what if she came her for a reason? What if that is what it is? What if we come here for a purpose? What if her wonderful life and the wonderful memories that she gave me and the wonderful lessons that she taught me will passed down?

Once the ventilator was turned off, it took only a few minutes for Debbie to take her final breaths, and with her final breath, her face took on that look of peace saved only for those who see heaven. I recognized it and I was so humbled and so thankful to be in that moment with her. In that very instance, a million memories flooded me, and I couldn't even cry.

It let me know for certain that life just cannot end there. It just can not. The sense of peace was too overwhelming. The sense of her presence filled the room and fills me now even...

Please LISTEN...

I put 5 dollars in today toward the big goal. What is interesting about that, is that I haven't really put in any money in a few days. I lost site of putting money in for a while. I lost site of it. You know why..... I do, I do... I was Complaining. I was so focused on the debt that I really wasn't focused on the goal.

So, there. I am going to have to get myself refocused again. And I think I am beginning to focus too much on how I am going to achieve this. And the absolute truth of the matter is that I have no idea how. I do beleve that each of us are part of a dynamic system. And that each of us has a dynamic gift. I do believe that I have a gift that I can offer. I am waiting to remember what mine is. I am waiting to see what my destiny is.

But, here is what I also know. It is not going to walk up to my door and hand me an envelope and say, with a cute Elvis Costume on "Here, Lil' Momma, Here's your destiny. God sent me Special Delivery, jus' for you...." And then I get to watch him gyrate back into the heavens. Whereas I don't really think that is true, I do have to admit that I wouldn't doubt that completely either.

I am so open-minded these days, that I would believe anything. I am not being competely sarcastic in that statement.

What I really do know that it is not necessary for me to just sit and wait on my destiny or for my gift to appear. I know that I must do all that I can with where I am and with who I am with every moment. I must act accordingly every moment with success in mind each moment. And sometimes that is so hard to do.

A great example was given to me last night. It was so small that I almost missed it. My young son, who is nine came in from playing with the neighborhood kids. He walked past my husband and I, who were sitting in our den. Cole, our son, said not a word, but went into the hearth room and starting watching TV. I asked what was the matter. He yelled back to us, "I Quit!" I told him to come in the room with us...

When he did he told us that he didn't like the way that they were playing and that he just said that he quit. Well, his father jumped on him about it saying, "You are going to have to stop acting like such a baby. All the kids in the neighborhood say that you act like that and they are not going to want to play with you."

At that statement from his father, Cole's face changed dramactically from mad to instantly sad and white, and I could tell that a nerve had been struck. You know the one that is struck when someone has really hurt your feelings and your are not sure why. I also knew that my husband has just gone too far.

I knew that this was not true. I knew that my husband was listening to something that one parent had sad about my son and it was quite biased. I could understand that parent's point of view as well, but it certainly wasn't the sentiment of the entire neighborhood, for Cole had so many visitors every day to our house. And now, he had just been made to think that they all did not like to play with him because his father, his hero, had just told him so.

Well, after his father told him that, Cole left the room and went to his bed and got under the covers and cried. I went to him and asked him if he was alright. He said nothing. I asked again. He said nothing. One more time and this time, he said quietly, "Nobody will listen to me." I said, "I will listen."

He said, "The reason I quit was because I wanted to be the receiver in the football game and I told them that. They said that I could. Then someone else's dad was throwing the ball. He wouldn't throw it to me. Then, one of the other kids said, 'Cole, we really don't need you anyway'... So, I just sat down on the curb. They weren't paying any attention to me. So, I quit"

Now, that made sense. If my husband and I had gotten the whole story instead of just making him feel small on the front end, his feelings could have been spared...but instead...a small child was made to feel weak at the hand of his parents...

How many times does that happen over such insignificant instances. And how many times can they be avoided. I was so glad that Cole had the nerve to speak up to me and say "You didn't listen". I don't think that we as parents have the right to make our kids do everything that we say just because we say so. We don't know everything. We should make our decisions after knowing all the facts.

The night ended with my son curled up in his father's lap crying and his father stroking his hair. Yeah, that same father, my TONY, who is being this man that I hardly know. He is wonderful and awesome. Better than before.

This is not to say that Cole did get off the hook completely. He was told how important it is to stick with a game once started, but he was able to give his entire side of the story like a human being, not like a child who is scared to talk to a parent .

To continue the story a bit, I went to the store today and there was an elderly man just standing there holding a basket of groceries. Just standing there. It is 95 degrees outside the store. And when I walked passed him, he caught my eye. He wouldn't let me look away.. You know the look? So, I said hello... And he said...." You think it will snow?"

HUH? What was that? I almost walked away... but I didn't.. You know why. Because my son had taught me a lesson the night before... to listen. People have something to say. (I am telling the truth, that is why I stayed)

"You think it will snow?" he said it again.
I said, "Why do you say that?"
He said, "Because I saw it snow this time of year in 1945"
I said, "Really, where"
He said, "The Artic Circle-- I was in the Army--it was 33 degrees below 0
I said, " I am fascinated"
He said, "It was so cold that we couldn't even turn the engines off or take clothes off because we would freeze to death or the planes would freeze up."
I said, "That is one of the most interesting stories that I have heard in a long time"
He said, "Imagine living it. And you kow what, most people won't take the time to listen, or they think I am crazy when I start taking about it."
I said, "I don't think you are crazy. I think you a hero. And I think I am blessed to have met you today. Would you be too embarrassed to give me a hug right here in Kroger?"

And that he did. And it made my day.

All that happened because I screwed up listening to my son. What great lessons our children have for us. Everyone wants to be listened to. I know that I do. It is so frustrating to be trying to get your point across, isn't it? I have tried to make a resolution to let other people talk more than I do and ask as many questions of them when they are done talking to be sure that I understand what it is that they are trying to tell me.

I'll never forget the man on Aisle 7 in Kroger who almost froze in the Artic Circle... what a hero...

YO ADRIAN...

Okay, here is how this works. I am not sure what to write today. Right now, I am just starting out writing. Seems like I have so much to say and not sure just what to say. I have so many things going on in my mind.

I have to say that I am sure that things are so much better in my life. But, in the first place. Were they really that bad? I look at things from an outside view. And, were they really that bad? I mean, really? I look around my home at all that I have... Oh my gosh, I live in a beautiful home. What in the world am I complaining about?

Here is the deal... we are worried about what might happen. And here is the thing... I don't even know right now what the thing is. Right this moment I am hitting a block. I don't even know what to write right now. I am conflicted because I don't know where the money is going to come from... I just know that it is going to come. I am that much convinced that it is going to come. I have that much faith that it is.

I feel like a complete moron in this place writing about it though. I feel like a jerk to be honest to be writing about money. I need a place to vent and I don't want to do it in a notebook that I keep under my bed anymore. Since I have a place to do it, I want to do it. I don't really want to do it with my girlfriends, because I don't really want them to know all my private business.

Since we live in a place and time that this type of blogging is available, I feel completely blessed to able to do it here. Right here on this forum. I am still blown away to be sitting here doing what I am doing right now. It is almost a surreal experience. I mean, I feel like I know some of the people that are reading this right now. I feel like you guys are reading this and going, "Come on, this isn't rocket science, you know!"

But, here I am still talking about it. That is the thing. I have to stop talking about it-- I think. OR maybe not. I don't know.

I am still waiting to hear about the teaching position. They were supposed to call either yesterday or today. They haven't called yet and to be honest with you, it is making me a bit nervous. I don't want to be nervous. That is not completely in my nature. But, if that job doesn't pan out, then what to do?

I am sounding completely negative. So, how to turn the switch. I have to turn the dial. I have to change the frequency. I am trying to turn the dial. I am going to lose my listeners if I don't change my own dial here.

Today, I know what I am going to do. I am going to keep my IPOD on my songs. That does it for me. That really does do it for me. That sounds so completely corny. I know that it does.

It cleans my pallette. Does that sound like something so unbelievably ridiculous? I know that it does for anyone that doesn't do it.

But, my children will probably find somewhere else to go. I will be that wierdo that I mentioned in one of my other blogs. You will find me dancing all over my house. I can't dance. Not at all, but guess what I will be doing? I will be dancing AND I will be singing. Yes, I will. AND, I will be singing LOUD!

There will be Sexy Back and Aint no Mountain High Enough and EVERYTHING from High School Musical. You know why... Because they are songs that you can't help but dance to. There will be a little Grey's Anatomy in there and a little New York, New York, too. And for someone who can't sing, the dogs around the neighborhood will be howling.

And the sad part is, I will probably have the windows up so the wind can come through and the light can shine in. So, the neighbors will hear and the neighbors will see. And guess what? I don't even care. Because, when this chick is happy, guess what happens, it is contagious.. they will ask what I am doing... but when they ask, they always ask with a smile, and they always end up staying an hour or two and I always tell them the truth... "I am being happy."

Have you ever seen those people in the store who are singing out loud? Most of the time if you look at them and make fun of them, you usually do it with a smile, huh? Those people are happy and they don't care... They are just happy.

Yeah, I just cheered myself up. Oh my god. It is so easy to get caught up in the stupid things in life. The things that don't matter, the things that can be fixed so easily. The things that have solutions that will work themselves out. I am going to go work myself out.

Oh, that is another thing.. the work out. From the beginning I have been talking about how I have been wanting to run. I mean, like, run.. with my legs and all. That is another part of this journey. I am trying to get to the point where I run (well, jog... let's be realistic) about 3 miles a day. For me, it was a struggle to just MAKE myself put my tennis shoes on. For any of you who work out, you are probably shaking your head at why this is even a big deal. For those of you that don't, you will understand..

Well, to update... I have been playing tennis about 2 times a week now, and I have been walking at least a mile almost every day now for the past month and jogging about a half of it. That is a really big deal for me. Some of that has been 2 miles.

Yeah, that last part was a little boring, but I needed to write it out because it made me feel like Rocky or something... YO ADRIAN... I'm awesome....

Happy Birthday

YeaY! I turned 41 today! And guess what, my husband actually was able to make it out of bed and came over to me and woke me up with a kiss. And a big "Happy Birthday"... I am sure you have followed along enough to know that that was a far stretch for him and his downer mood.

That took some serious mood adjustment on his part. He was actually in a good mood. He was ready to go to church and everything. Seeeeeee..... i knew it was coming. I consistently had my mind on his healing all day. I didn't say it on here because you guys would have gotten board with that, but all day I said, "Thank you for healing." Over and Over. Just to myself. ANd I believed it. I really did.

Of course, I thought that it might take him a few weeks or so, but there he was, my Tony was back. He was happy today HE got US up for church for the first time in , well, ever. And then he disappearred.... HMMMM.....

He said he would meet us at church. okayyyyy? It was okay. Because our day was starting out right for the first time in a bit and I was ready for it. This is how these days of my life roll now. I am so open for big days now becasue I thrive on them you know. SO, we got ready for church EARLY. And for those of you with kids know, that doesn't happen very often, but we were riding the big wave of positive energy this morning.

THen he came in with my birthday present....ANNNND THen,, I was thrilled. I was expecting nothing, given his state of mind over the past few days. They were tennis outfits... so cute. He was so thrilled with them and so it was a holly jolly happy morning before church... with money we shouldn't be spending.

I look at that 2 ways. We shouldn't be spending it.... OR, Tony has now gotten his confidence back and now knows that he will be earning enough to be paying for these things. That is usually how it goes. SO, we will see there. Either way, for today, I just don't want to focus there, for the feelilng is good.

After church, went to eat at a local BBQ joint that will make you sick if you are in there too long, but the food was just nasty enough to make you know that it has the perfect atmosphere to be real home town cookin'. We had a ball.

We came home and I took my 14 year old to the church for youth band. He is dynamic on guitar. ANd he really is very good. That is for another time. But, did I mention that he is very good? If there is any one reading that wants to sign him on today, you better get him, because in a short time, you won't get your chance. He practices 4-5 hours every day and loves it. He is just now beginning with this church band, but I am not sure he will last long there, he has already outgrown it, but it is a starting point. Either way, I got caught up there with him, because I love to watch him play, so I was that nerdy mom sitting in the back watching her kid play and dancing and kind of yelling out everytime they gave him a solo to do, you know the moms? Yeah, that's me.... How embarrassing , HUH?

Came home and there was my good looking husband out doing the yard. He was not curled up on the couch. He was outside working. I can't tell you what a big deal that was. HALLELUHAH!

He really is coming out of his funk! He is realizing there is life out there! He has been working so little lately and then coming home and staring at that tv undercovers for about a month now. So, now he is not. I knew that I could help him. I just didn't know how long.

True faith in those we love works. It works. Okay, here I go, crying again....I guess I'll go... gotta get a Kleenex... It was a good day...

Late Morning

I didn't even get out of the bed today until noon. No real reason. Didn't really feel the need to get up. Wasn't really anything to do. I could have been working. Since I had no job to go to, I just didn't get up. THe kids slept in, so I did to. My husband was home since it was Saturday, but since he was still in his somber mood, I really didn't want to see him either.

Last night before I went to bed, I applied online for a nursing job. I know on my last blog I said that I was going to wait for the teaching job to appear. I still am. I have to wait until I know something is there before I full fledge take the nursing thing. BUT, I feel like I need to do something.

I could be making about 3ooo a month for the next 2 months with the nursing thing. Why not do it? Well, like I said in the last blog there are several reasons. But, isn't the time for complaining over? Isn't the time for doing now?

I think that I have to put my own personal interests behind me and move forward and know that I am making the right decision. I don't completely feel wrong about it. I mean, just going for the interview can't be all that terrible. My husband has got to feel good that I am at least moving one of us forward.

The thing is.... The MARKET IS GOING TO TURN. THE MARKET ALWAYS TURNS. And when it does, his business will be doing so great. And when he gets back on track, hopefully he will get all that goofy debt paid off quickly. Then, we can move on. We would love to open up a franchise of some sort.

We have best friends and family with so many people that have done that very thing and have done so well with it. We are like the ones who haven't done it and I do believe we are missing the boat here. We have people who can give us advice, but we are too scared to take it.

Plus, there is that matter of the "Bad Habit". If he doesn't stop... Well, we will never get ahead. Maybe I am letting out too much information. But, it is helping me so much to do so. Everyone who has left comments has done so with so much love that I am overwhelmed. I have said it before.

I feel like I am at one of those camp meetings and you know when one person is talking and everyone comes to them in a circle and stands near them and then just hugs them. That is how I feel. And then the one with the problem begins to feel confident and feels like they can now conquer because they have their fellow campmates behind them.. Yeah, that is what you guys have done for me.

I am lucky in the respect that I can recognize that it really is love coming through. I really thought that there woud people who shunned me. I think that is my own lack of confidence. Or maybe that is who I used to be. I don't know. But, each time I log on and look in. There you all are and I swear, it feels like you are in the room with me. I FEEL you, and it is overwhelming.

Whatever we do, You will all be a part of it.

Hubby is still undercover and not moving around alot. I, however took my oldest to play tennis last night and it was wonderful. Great time. and then today took my babies to swim. It was good to get out into the sun. They swam while friends came to me and talked to me. I could feel the love from them and the encouragement from them as they talked. I did not talk about any of the details of the blog. That is saved for my private talks and those of you who are kind enough to take interest in my private life here.

These friends talk of superficial life on the outside. Yet, they still surround me and still hug me and still ask about my life. It still makes me smile. They offer me solutions to everyday small problems and trivia. I take it and I help them as I can. WE laugh about our children and our friends. The talk is light...

When they ask about my husband, I say he is well. Is that to trick them, or is that because I want to know that he will be well. Because I do know that. I do know that this will pass. Just as It did for me. I know this with all that I am...

So, am I telling a white lie... Or am I telling the ultimate truth.....?

I can see clearly now...

Sat with my husband last night as he cried a river. He is not seeing things like I do. I am having the love spill in from all over the world with this blog. But, that is not the only love that I feel. I feel the love from within me. I have the love from the past and from the future. I know that sounds completely corny. I know that sounds like every cliche in the world. Does it not?

But I have determination now. I have a determination of a bulldog now. I have seen some things in my life that have been really hard to deal with and now we are talking about money? Are you kidding me? Is that what we are fretting about?

This is the thing... I can find a way to get money. Surely... It is as easy as finding a smile. If you see someone that is not smiling, surely you can get them to smile. Don't you just have to smile at them first... and then they smile... And if that doesn't work, go out of your way to talk to them, and if that doesn't work, then make a funny face, and if that doesn't work, then well, well, get naked, do something... but, I bet.. you could do SOMETHING to make them smile.

If I really want to get us out of this jam, I can. By GOD, I can. Right now, I am so unbelievable thankful that I am not depressed about life and about my situation that I don't know what to do. I am so unbelievably thankful that I can finally see life for what it is.

No, I do not think that money is the whole reason for living. But, I do know that we are in a jam right now. I do know that we need to get out of this jam. I do know that we need to get our head together and figure out what to do. Focusing on the debt and focusing on what is WRONG is not going to fix this problem. Focusing on a solution is going to fix this problem. SO what can I do?

I have 3 kids. I have to figure out a way to bring in enough income to help my husband out until he can get himself together enough to do it himself. I know that there are a million ways to do this. He can do it himself, but he is in such a state right now that he cannot do it.

Right now, I am just writing it out. I am brainstorming it out. I am writing to write to get it out on "paper" because I know that I have to get it out of my head. My kids are used to me being at home, and it bothers me that I would be away from them. I worked the night shift for a long time and it threw me off so bad that it just about caused my marraige to dissolve.

He is wanting me to wait until school starts to teach school. That is a decent income, and it is what I love to do. It is what I am called to do. It will give us a good supplemental income, but I am wanting to do something right now. I am feeling like he needs me right now. I am feeling like I should do something right now. My heart tells me to go back to teaching. I love the kids and I miss them with a passion. But, on the other hand, I feel that I should be doing something right now in the moment.

I also feel that I should be here with my children. I should be here at home so that my husband is free to be at work the hours he needs to be there. See, here I go again focusing on what I can't do. I need to focus on what I can do. There had to be something that I can do.

It feels like it is right here. It feels like it is right in front of my face and I am missing it. What am I missing. You know like that picture of the vase with the 2 women infused into it? What am I missing here?

Should I go ahead and nurse right now, even though I will probably go into teaching in 2 months? Then I will be leaving my children at home for most of the time during the week.That doesn't feel right. Is it supposed to feel right? Life is good. I know this. Also, being a nurse is something that is so far from what I do with my heart.

When I was a nurse. I was sick most of the time. I was physically sick every day, at the thought of going into work. My husband is adament against it.

Oh good grief, there I go again, complaining. That is not at all what this blog was supposed to be about. I promise that I feel better. I feel good. I do. I am just blogging it out to try to figure out where I am going to go with everything. I am looking around me knowing that it is coming. I know it and I really do. Just trying to figure out what I am going to do today. And when I say today, I honestly mean TODAY.

Going to the pool with the kiddos.. And I guess that is what I am supposed to do. I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. Love my children with all that I am. In the moment. Support my husband with all that I am. I am waiting to hear if I am going to be teaching in the fall. They are supposed to let me know something in the next couple of days. Until then, I am supposed to just love and be thankful. I know that I am.

Meanwhile.....?

A good cry

When is the last time that I had a really good cry? You know the kind that makes your head hurt for a few hours afterwords? The kind that you have to hide from your kids because there is just no way to keep it in?

Yeah, that kind... I think it has been over a year since I have had that kind of cry.

I haven't needed to. I don't need to now either. I am letting stupid circumstances control me. And I do not think that it is about the money either. I don't think so anyway. I am writing this out to try to get some control over it. Good grief, at least I am doing it now rather than about 8 hour ago. If I had done it then, there would have been no way to understand what I was writing.

I read in "The Four Agreements" yesterday about how everything is situational. How is it completely irrational to take things out of context. Yet, that is completely what I did today. I took one thing that was said to me and took it through a joyride through my past.

I was able to pull up memories of what other people of said to me and then I just spiraled down. I tried to pull myself out of it. But, really I didn't try that hard. I think that I just wanted to be sad for a day. I spent the day yesterday being grateful and more grateful for what is coming. And then today I spent the day completely UNgrateful for what probably is not even in existence.

I blew a situational incidence completely out of proportion. What I am finding out more and more is that situations can be avoided before they occur. And this particular incident could have been avoided. It was small and then became large. If I had done one little thing different, then everything would have changed. The whole event would have never happened. Ever had that realization? I am having them more and more.

And now that it is over and my pity party is over, I can look back and see where I was wrong. I can see where I can take little steps to keep giant monster catastrophes from occuring.

I used to have these crying jags quite often. Then they stopped. I became this different person last year. I became happy. What has changed recently? I am letting this negative "energy" around me affect me. I am letting those around me pull me down.

My husband's worry over work. The neighbor's worry over her kid. The neighbor's fighting with her husband. My friend's constant complaints about finances and her kids.

How do I get back to the place of being happy? Right now I feel like a big weight is on me. I know that I was happy not too long ago.. And when I say happy, I mean enlightened happy. I mean, one of those people you see and wish you knew what they knew. Because, I had been introduced to the something that was real. And now, because I am letting in the negatives again, it is started to get to me.

I am not sure that I am making a lot of sense to anyone reading this. I just know that I was so concentrated on finding out who I was and what "it" was all about, and now I have lost "it" somehow. I have got to myself back together.

Maybe I am so focused on finding "it" again that I am searching too hard. Maybe I just need to let go again and let it find me. Happiness, true happiness is out there. Love, true love is there. I had it. This was universal and it was pure and it was mind blowing. And I had found it. And now with my mind going in 50 million different directions, I am not focused anymore.

It took extreme concentration for me to get to the point of finding what I was looking for, but I did. And it was good. Oh my God, (literally), it was good. I have got to get it back.

Okay... I think I might have to go pray... yeah....I think....