Sitting here with my head all full of noodles. Which topic to write on? I am wanting to write all the time, but I feel like I am running out of time. I start my job in a couple of weeks and when I do I feel like I won't have time to do anything. I have spent about an hour a day with this blog and once the job starts, it will be get up at five, get myself ready, get three kiddos ready, get all of our stuff ready, then...
Go to work. Come home from work, get three kids and their homework done... get dinner cooked, get them to all their extra curricular activities, get all their stuff ready for the next day. Yeah, I am not going to have time for myself anymore. Is that a rough life? Am I complaining about my rough life? It surely sounds like I am...
I am wanting to slap myself up one side and down the other. I would imagine that I could do all of those things in about an hour if I needed to... and here is the thing... I have the health and the ability to do those things...AND I am complaining about them... STILL.
Ugh and Ugh again. I guess it is because the deadline is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am sitting here at 2 pm in the afternoon with my feet propped up on a desk writing on a computer. I was doing laundry last night at midnight just because that is when I got to it... Oh, and Oh, guess what I did after I did the laundry...Geez Louise and Lois...
I added some songs to my Ipod. And after I did that, I went to my son's list of songs to check and make sure that he wasn't downloading anything that I would think was just too awful. He is fourteen and we try to keep an eye on what he listens to and watches.
HOWEVER, I went through this phase recently where I thought that I would give him freedom. Because he is a good kid. He does make very good grades. He can play the hell out of the guitar and does so for several hours a day. Which shows incredible discipline on his part. He doesn't cuss or smoke or drink (you know how all those 14 year olds do that). But, for the most part, he really is a good kid.
Because he does play the guitar and downloads anything that is hard-core (don't I sound cool?) guitar, some of the song lyrics have a few wirty dords in them. I have let it slide because when he does download them, he really does learn to play them. I don't hear him talking the talk. Even with his friends. He can play Freebryd or he can that new-fangled Rock and Roll that they listen to. And he writes his own to go with it.
I have little doubt that he will be playing for the rest of his life. He just spent 600 dollars of his own money on speakers to play in the Christian rock band at church. And his friends have formed a rock band of their own....
HOWEVER.... last night, while going through my well-disciplined, not-my-child's list of songs, there were a few that were not so well. He is 14 and was given freedom on I-tunes. What was I thinking? I haven't checked his list in about a month. Have you guys seen what is out there?
I may be 41, but this has got to be different from what our grandparents saw in Elvis and his pelvis. This stuff is so vile and the language is so used so graphically that I just couldn't believe that some label puts it out there.
I promise, I am not a prude. Seriously. But, the front of the album had a picture of a man with...nope, can't even go there... but, my son was allowed to... And, yes, I want to blame the labels.. but, I can't even do it. He is my son. Isn't it my responsibility every night to go on that computer and check that account? I have given him the freedom to just order any ole song that he wants because I thought that he had the maturity to pick and choose music that was appropriate for him.
What? What?... I am remembering what I was like at 14...
Well, first of all. I am not a boy. Second of all, I liked Sean Cassidy and The Osmonds. Also, I am wanting so badly to blame this on his friends and say that they told him to do it. And they did. Someone had to tell him about it. I do believe that much... but still... I allow the access.
I know that I can't shelter him from everything, but to think that with my credit card, he ordered it. What is my problem? I surely hope that I am not making my son sound like this horrible person, because he is really cream of the crop.
But, so is every other child on this planet.. and then something happens. Somewhere along the way, guidance slips away. We forget that they really do need us in there showing them what is appropriate and what is not. They assume that if something is for sale, then it is okay to buy it.
If something is out there to watch, then it is okay to look.
It is my role to teach my children, and this time I fell short. I was thinking that I was smothering him, so I wanted to loosen up those reins. In doing so, I gave him enough freedom to see the slimy side of life. And it made me feel very slimy.
He and I have a very close relationship. And we had a very "close" talk about music last night. When I got up this morning I watched the videos that go along with the songs. I almost threw up. What if he has seen those? I guess I have another talk coming...
Wonder what our grandparents told their kids about Elvis??
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Midnight Hour
Well... to update a bit. I haven't done that in a while, on the money front anyway. I don't want to get too detailed about our finances, because I am not sure how prudent it would be too put our bank accounts all over the Internet, right?
But, since I started saving just 20 dollars in the beginning... I have managed to build up a really big savings so far. It is a "do not touch" account. I am seeing that I can pull out more and more from our main account or from the grocery store each time I go, you know, ten or twenty. And, I am telling you... it is building and building. And it is not small change.
And what is happening is that now things are turning around for us. Just a few months ago, my husband was ready to throw in the towel. Which was so frustrating for me, because that is just not his style. If you have been reading this all along, then you know how I feel about him and his work ethic.
He likes to work and fix problems, and he had all but given up. He works in the mortgage industry, and we all know what is going on in that industry. But, I have to say that I really do believe that he is one of the honest ones. He has been in the industry for a long time and he has lost many loans because he has been brutally honest with folks in telling them... "You know, you just can't afford this one."
And now that it is a rough time there, he is feeling the crunch. But.. but.. I truly do believe that because of his standards that he will prevail here. He spends more time worrying about the actual customer than the paperwork. This isn't an ad for my husband... You guys don't even know who he is...
I guess I am just writing it out because I listen to all the hype about all the crooked mortgage lenders out there, and I know that there are actually many out there that really are in it for the right reasons. Just as there are in any profession.
For example, and again, just writing it out, and seeing it from both sides...because I know how it feels to go and buy a car. I assume that the person selling me the car is only in it to con me some how.. they are only in it to get all my money. To screw me over in the end. But, what if they are really only there to help me find a car? (Yeah, right, huh?)
But, here's the thing... I see the the other side of the equation of his job... at least my husband's....
He came in absolutely exhausted at midnight last night after going in at seven yesterday morning. (And this is not uncommon... at all) He was exasperated...
To back up a bit... Last week, On the 4th.. on the way to a party, he got a call from a man whom he had never met. Our family was in the car. The man asked him what the current interest rate was for homes. Tony told him. The man, in frustration (which I, myself, have felt, but have never had the nerve to do) began to accuse Tony of not telling him the truth. Tony assured him that he had no control of the rates and so on. And since our family was in the car, it was a bit of a tense moment.
I have been there so many times when Tony has talked business over the phone. For his hours never stop. And, the endless questions that he answers go on and on. And I get that because buying a house is ridiculously complicated.
ANYWAY... nothing could be done on the 4th, so it had to wait until this week.. and in the end, the man on the phone did decide to use Tony as his mortgage lender. But, it has been a bit strained to say the least. I am trying to post this, not as if I am standing up on a higher ground stating my case, but as if I am across a table, talking it out.
If this man could only see how much Tony is not worried about whether he gets a commission from it... because, really, in the end.. his cut from the commission is not THAT great. It's nice, but it is not about all that.
What it is about for people that are really in it for the right reasons...
It is about... Getting that new house. Getting moved in on time. Getting those questions answered. And that is the truth.
Nothing frustrates Tony more than the thought of someone packing up their home or getting excited about packing up their home, and then being told "Oops... it'll be a few more days. Sorry."
He has never, in 15 years, not had a loan close on time. I am not bragging here. I am just writing it out. Reason being, I went to bed last night frustrated that my husband wasn't home until midnight for about the one millionth time... and why? Because he was making sure that someone was going to get to move into their home on time....
And I promise you.. it wasn't for our cut.. really, it is not about that... Because he gets paid at the same time each month.
I guess I just needed to assure myself once again about what I already know about that man. What I knew when I married him. What I saw in him from day one. I knew how he helped me. He pulled me up and continues to pull me up. He does the same for people all the time in an industry that is being blamed for destroying so many lives...
But, does that mean that everyone that works in that industry is a horrible person? Hmmm.. I live with him, and I don't think that he is a horrible person. He is a good dad, but occasionally he does squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...
He really does want to help people. That is why he told me that he was getting into this business fifteen years ago. I couldn't figure that out. And then when I constantly saw the thank you cards that he got, it started clicking.
I dunno... this post didn't really have a moral bang to it.. it was a bit of just a day in the life, but I needed to see my husband's day in the life as I know it really is, not as other's see it.
Or maybe it was just that one other... and hopefully when it is all said and done... all will be well. And they will all be okay. I hope so, because Tony will never tell him how much sleep he lost agonizing over his home and making sure that all went well behind the scenes.
All we hear about on the news is how everyone in this industry screwed everyone over. That really isn't the case ALL the time.. there are a few good apples in the bunch... I got lucky.. mine didn't have a worm in it...
But, since I started saving just 20 dollars in the beginning... I have managed to build up a really big savings so far. It is a "do not touch" account. I am seeing that I can pull out more and more from our main account or from the grocery store each time I go, you know, ten or twenty. And, I am telling you... it is building and building. And it is not small change.
And what is happening is that now things are turning around for us. Just a few months ago, my husband was ready to throw in the towel. Which was so frustrating for me, because that is just not his style. If you have been reading this all along, then you know how I feel about him and his work ethic.
He likes to work and fix problems, and he had all but given up. He works in the mortgage industry, and we all know what is going on in that industry. But, I have to say that I really do believe that he is one of the honest ones. He has been in the industry for a long time and he has lost many loans because he has been brutally honest with folks in telling them... "You know, you just can't afford this one."
And now that it is a rough time there, he is feeling the crunch. But.. but.. I truly do believe that because of his standards that he will prevail here. He spends more time worrying about the actual customer than the paperwork. This isn't an ad for my husband... You guys don't even know who he is...
I guess I am just writing it out because I listen to all the hype about all the crooked mortgage lenders out there, and I know that there are actually many out there that really are in it for the right reasons. Just as there are in any profession.
For example, and again, just writing it out, and seeing it from both sides...because I know how it feels to go and buy a car. I assume that the person selling me the car is only in it to con me some how.. they are only in it to get all my money. To screw me over in the end. But, what if they are really only there to help me find a car? (Yeah, right, huh?)
But, here's the thing... I see the the other side of the equation of his job... at least my husband's....
He came in absolutely exhausted at midnight last night after going in at seven yesterday morning. (And this is not uncommon... at all) He was exasperated...
To back up a bit... Last week, On the 4th.. on the way to a party, he got a call from a man whom he had never met. Our family was in the car. The man asked him what the current interest rate was for homes. Tony told him. The man, in frustration (which I, myself, have felt, but have never had the nerve to do) began to accuse Tony of not telling him the truth. Tony assured him that he had no control of the rates and so on. And since our family was in the car, it was a bit of a tense moment.
I have been there so many times when Tony has talked business over the phone. For his hours never stop. And, the endless questions that he answers go on and on. And I get that because buying a house is ridiculously complicated.
ANYWAY... nothing could be done on the 4th, so it had to wait until this week.. and in the end, the man on the phone did decide to use Tony as his mortgage lender. But, it has been a bit strained to say the least. I am trying to post this, not as if I am standing up on a higher ground stating my case, but as if I am across a table, talking it out.
If this man could only see how much Tony is not worried about whether he gets a commission from it... because, really, in the end.. his cut from the commission is not THAT great. It's nice, but it is not about all that.
What it is about for people that are really in it for the right reasons...
It is about... Getting that new house. Getting moved in on time. Getting those questions answered. And that is the truth.
Nothing frustrates Tony more than the thought of someone packing up their home or getting excited about packing up their home, and then being told "Oops... it'll be a few more days. Sorry."
He has never, in 15 years, not had a loan close on time. I am not bragging here. I am just writing it out. Reason being, I went to bed last night frustrated that my husband wasn't home until midnight for about the one millionth time... and why? Because he was making sure that someone was going to get to move into their home on time....
And I promise you.. it wasn't for our cut.. really, it is not about that... Because he gets paid at the same time each month.
I guess I just needed to assure myself once again about what I already know about that man. What I knew when I married him. What I saw in him from day one. I knew how he helped me. He pulled me up and continues to pull me up. He does the same for people all the time in an industry that is being blamed for destroying so many lives...
But, does that mean that everyone that works in that industry is a horrible person? Hmmm.. I live with him, and I don't think that he is a horrible person. He is a good dad, but occasionally he does squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...
He really does want to help people. That is why he told me that he was getting into this business fifteen years ago. I couldn't figure that out. And then when I constantly saw the thank you cards that he got, it started clicking.
I dunno... this post didn't really have a moral bang to it.. it was a bit of just a day in the life, but I needed to see my husband's day in the life as I know it really is, not as other's see it.
Or maybe it was just that one other... and hopefully when it is all said and done... all will be well. And they will all be okay. I hope so, because Tony will never tell him how much sleep he lost agonizing over his home and making sure that all went well behind the scenes.
All we hear about on the news is how everyone in this industry screwed everyone over. That really isn't the case ALL the time.. there are a few good apples in the bunch... I got lucky.. mine didn't have a worm in it...
Monday, July 7, 2008
Cry me a river
Ur-kay... Going to get rolling this morning. Well, I guess it isn't morning really.. It is 11:15 and I am calling it morning. Still in my P.J.'s. In a couple of weeks, I officially go back to work.
I know for most of the world, that is not a big deal. But, I have not been to a "real" job in over 11 years. I have run my own schedule for that long. I was a nurse working the weekend schedule, and then I was home with my children after that...
I know, I know... how worthless am I? I want to defend myself and say.. but, but..I have been home raising three children. I have been holding down the fort. And I have. We have moved five times in those eleven years. It's really hard work doing all of that.. (Can you detect the whine?)
Yeah, yeah.. cry me a river, right?
I have to say.. I am a little scared. I am thrilled beyond belief about teaching these kiddos. I am so excited about changing the world. One of the greatest authors today was taught right here in my hometown, at the school I attended, by the teacher that I admired the most. (No, no.. that author wasn't me... I know you are all THINKING that it was me... but, no, it wasn't..)
I say that because I know there is a purpose to teaching. I know that I can change lives in such a profound way.
But, here's the thing... my own life is about to change so profoundly...and I won't admit this to anyone around me... but, I am scared. I am scared at how my life is about to change. It is starting to hit me. I have been a full time mom for so long that I am not sure that I know how to be anything else yet.
Again, cry me a river, right?
I know in my head that I am over analyzing this. I know that I just take it one day at a time. That is what I was talking about in my last post when I said that I just sort of lost myself in staying at home. I started getting caught up in things that didn't really matter.
I have gotten consumed in housework and naps and schedules that really are a bit unimportant. And "I get to it when I get to it". How will that work when there is no time to "get to it" anymore?
And for those of you that have read this post for awhile know that my husband has been a "bit" stressed out. Well, he is a little lighter now knowing that there is a second income coming in now. And when the stress is off, he is a happier guy. And when there is happiness then that means he can work better, and when he works better, then that means there is more productivity....
HOWEVER... how does that mean that I will be able to get up at 5 a.m. and get three kiddos ready, and get them to school and get them to soccer and basketball and get homework and get dinner and get homework and get projects and get appointments and get this and get that and get the other...
Because if the hubby is more productive, then that means he will not be able to be home in order to help the wifey here get the kiddos where they need to go.
Oh my gawsh... this teaching job is not sounding as fun as I thought it would be. I am going to be so stressed out that I am not going to be a good teacher.
But, wait a minute. Let me think... think... Squeeze the lemons....think...
Ammmm....calming down..... sitting down and thinking....
Maybe it is that I don't have to do everything at once. Maybe everything will work itself out. Doesn't it always?
How is it that I just happened to be blessed enough to be able to stay home at a time in my life that my children were little and really needed me at home?
Didn't we make the move each time into those houses, and each time didn't it seem completely overwhelming? But, each time... we got in.
And with each big project that the kids have at school, doesn't it always seem like we will never complete it on the front end? But, don't we just take it one step at a time... and it always get done... it always does..
What in the world am I doing here? What in the world am I stressing out about?
If you read my last post, you know that there really are things to stress out about... this is not one of them.
I have no doubt about my big goal of a million dollars. I put money in the bank. A little each day. Some days more, some days less. ( By the way, for those of you who have been reading for a while, my cash purse is fattening up, yes-it-is!)
I know that this goal will be attained because it is always in my thoughts. I am constantly thinking of it and remembering it. We are taking it one step at a time.
Won't it be the same way with everything else? Hasn't it always been that way?
College--one class at a time.
Childbirth--one trimester at a time
Grief--one tear at a time
Joy--one hug at a time
And now, I will see, this is such a small thing. And, I have to say that I appreciate you if you made it through this post one word at a time, because it was probably a bit of a sludger. I just needed to write it out. I was a bit stressed out over "nothing", I think...
But, again, cry me a river, right... But, I am thinking, this one might be... cry me a puddle... or maybe a drop...
I know for most of the world, that is not a big deal. But, I have not been to a "real" job in over 11 years. I have run my own schedule for that long. I was a nurse working the weekend schedule, and then I was home with my children after that...
I know, I know... how worthless am I? I want to defend myself and say.. but, but..I have been home raising three children. I have been holding down the fort. And I have. We have moved five times in those eleven years. It's really hard work doing all of that.. (Can you detect the whine?)
Yeah, yeah.. cry me a river, right?
I have to say.. I am a little scared. I am thrilled beyond belief about teaching these kiddos. I am so excited about changing the world. One of the greatest authors today was taught right here in my hometown, at the school I attended, by the teacher that I admired the most. (No, no.. that author wasn't me... I know you are all THINKING that it was me... but, no, it wasn't..)
I say that because I know there is a purpose to teaching. I know that I can change lives in such a profound way.
But, here's the thing... my own life is about to change so profoundly...and I won't admit this to anyone around me... but, I am scared. I am scared at how my life is about to change. It is starting to hit me. I have been a full time mom for so long that I am not sure that I know how to be anything else yet.
Again, cry me a river, right?
I know in my head that I am over analyzing this. I know that I just take it one day at a time. That is what I was talking about in my last post when I said that I just sort of lost myself in staying at home. I started getting caught up in things that didn't really matter.
I have gotten consumed in housework and naps and schedules that really are a bit unimportant. And "I get to it when I get to it". How will that work when there is no time to "get to it" anymore?
And for those of you that have read this post for awhile know that my husband has been a "bit" stressed out. Well, he is a little lighter now knowing that there is a second income coming in now. And when the stress is off, he is a happier guy. And when there is happiness then that means he can work better, and when he works better, then that means there is more productivity....
HOWEVER... how does that mean that I will be able to get up at 5 a.m. and get three kiddos ready, and get them to school and get them to soccer and basketball and get homework and get dinner and get homework and get projects and get appointments and get this and get that and get the other...
Because if the hubby is more productive, then that means he will not be able to be home in order to help the wifey here get the kiddos where they need to go.
Oh my gawsh... this teaching job is not sounding as fun as I thought it would be. I am going to be so stressed out that I am not going to be a good teacher.
But, wait a minute. Let me think... think... Squeeze the lemons....think...
Ammmm....calming down..... sitting down and thinking....
Maybe it is that I don't have to do everything at once. Maybe everything will work itself out. Doesn't it always?
How is it that I just happened to be blessed enough to be able to stay home at a time in my life that my children were little and really needed me at home?
Didn't we make the move each time into those houses, and each time didn't it seem completely overwhelming? But, each time... we got in.
And with each big project that the kids have at school, doesn't it always seem like we will never complete it on the front end? But, don't we just take it one step at a time... and it always get done... it always does..
What in the world am I doing here? What in the world am I stressing out about?
If you read my last post, you know that there really are things to stress out about... this is not one of them.
I have no doubt about my big goal of a million dollars. I put money in the bank. A little each day. Some days more, some days less. ( By the way, for those of you who have been reading for a while, my cash purse is fattening up, yes-it-is!)
I know that this goal will be attained because it is always in my thoughts. I am constantly thinking of it and remembering it. We are taking it one step at a time.
Won't it be the same way with everything else? Hasn't it always been that way?
College--one class at a time.
Childbirth--one trimester at a time
Grief--one tear at a time
Joy--one hug at a time
And now, I will see, this is such a small thing. And, I have to say that I appreciate you if you made it through this post one word at a time, because it was probably a bit of a sludger. I just needed to write it out. I was a bit stressed out over "nothing", I think...
But, again, cry me a river, right... But, I am thinking, this one might be... cry me a puddle... or maybe a drop...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
What a 4th
Geez... It seems like it has been forever since I have been here. I know that it has been such the forefront of your mind wondering where I have been, huh?
What really surprises me and really actually makes me feel good is that I actually now have a really decent handle on what is going on with my life. It hasn't been that way for quite some time. I was so very blessed to be able to stay home with my children. But, the thing is... once they were in school... I was home alone. And as wonderful as it is to be home by myself... and to be that housewife who has the ability to shop and have manicures and decorate all day.. Yeah, well, that was a bit overrated to me.
I got lost in it a bit. I lost myself somewhere in that. I lost my purpose in that. I found myself going back to bed after my children went to school. I found myself thinking that I would "get to it" in a little while. And then I just never did "get to it". I gained weight and I lost my mind. I found myself thinking so much about how I wished that I was part of the outside world, whatever that is.
And everyone on the outside world wished that they were in my world. Isn't it funny how everyone wishes that? So many people wanting what the other folks have. Maybe they should crawl into their world a bit and take a closer look to be sure...
That is why I am really looking at this whole experience as a journey...I have said so many times that this is not about the money. I keep stressing that. I know for a fact that the money cannot buy the happiness.
Going back and forth and back and forth... should I say it? should I tell it? Hmmm... Just got the teaching job and life is so good for me right now and I know that, but am I not on this journey to examine all sides of what I see?...
Am I not blogging to examine what I experience in my life?... I think that I am. My fingers are typing, and each stroke is demanding that I go ahead with the story.
You know, we read fiction and there is so much out there that seems so "out there". And we read many stories that are "adapted" from true life... but this week, I was with a family that experienced true life in a way that puts adaptation to shame.
I want to go down that road that leads to a million dollars... I want to be one of those. I have mentioned before that my very first friend on this planet is now a millionaire. He is a super guy. I went to his 4th of July party yesterday. There were fireworks and a big colorful water slide and BBQ. He was the perfect host in his summer home. Who wouldn't want to be him?
At that party was another long time friend of 40 years. He is a local board member elect in the city. Super great guy. Everyone loves him, and his wife. He has been elected unanimously over and over because he really is that super guy that would give you the world if he could. Who wouldn't want to be him?
We were missing one person at the party though. There was a young 17 year old boy missing, Drew. He is the local senior football player at the high school with the world in front of him. All-American guy. Super guy.. and that's the truth. Who wouldn't want to be him?
To pull it all together... the party with the fireworks yesterday had the red, white and blue. It had the children and it had all the guests. But, it had this underlying theme of sadness. For the truth that everyone knew, but no one was discussing, just for a few hours, was that the All-American football player had had both of his legs cut off in a backhoe accident last week.
This had occurred while working on my friends land that he bought with all of his money. He had given young Drew a job on his land because of his uncle, who we had all known all our lives. And now, life has now changed forever for so many people.
So, now, nobody wants to be in any of those positions.
I had sworn that I was not going to write of sadness or anger any more, but it seemed wrong for me to ignore so many people that I am so close to. Even though no one reading this knows those who are involved. I feel like in so many ways, you know me.
I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs right now. This very incident is why I am on this journey. I can do nothing for Drew with a small amount, but with a large amount, I could get him the medical attention he will need.
But, even then...even then... Just writing aloud for the sake of it... when he recovers enough... if I had it to do it... maybe I could convince Drew to write his memoirs....for truly this is much more than most people will ever have to deal with EVER... he could inspire millions of people all over the world. He could inspire himself..
I am, like I said, just writing aloud, for I know how many people I have helped... not here on this blog, but in my on corner of the world... with the ordeals that I have encountered because so few people have been through them.
So, it seems like the O'Daniel and the Neal family are the ones that they flock to for emotional advice...
Hmmmm... yeah, we those lucky ones that got to encounter all the really tough stuff. I think maybe I will start an advice column.
But, it seems like Drew and his family, they may get to take top honors for a while. This will be a tough one. You never know what a moment is going to hold. Trying to wrap my mind around this one....17 and no legs.... where do you go with that one? With no warning coming to you?
Hmmm....Yes, my life is good right now... and is it fair to remember that? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. Does it even do Drew any good for me to sit and focus on his tragedy?
Shouldn't I focus on the recovery side of this? I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of what to write and this is all new to me.
I do know, and I do KNOW that our human spirit is so much more than our flesh. But, will Drew know that? Surely, it will come to him. He will have to turn within in order to get through this, and from my own experience, that is where I found mine, and Jesus, it was good and it was powerful.
That is what will get him through if he has the strength to ask. I am asking right now for that strength for him. Again, not getting religious, just being factual.
OK....I may erase all of this, but I am thinking maybe not. Would seem wrong. He deserves at least this much. Please when you read this, don't sympathize for him...visualize his healing...I know what you all have done for me....I am back on track and I KNOW it is because of the love sent in from around the world...
I am getting sappy... Drew doesn't deserve sappy.... he plays football, not water ballet....
What really surprises me and really actually makes me feel good is that I actually now have a really decent handle on what is going on with my life. It hasn't been that way for quite some time. I was so very blessed to be able to stay home with my children. But, the thing is... once they were in school... I was home alone. And as wonderful as it is to be home by myself... and to be that housewife who has the ability to shop and have manicures and decorate all day.. Yeah, well, that was a bit overrated to me.
I got lost in it a bit. I lost myself somewhere in that. I lost my purpose in that. I found myself going back to bed after my children went to school. I found myself thinking that I would "get to it" in a little while. And then I just never did "get to it". I gained weight and I lost my mind. I found myself thinking so much about how I wished that I was part of the outside world, whatever that is.
And everyone on the outside world wished that they were in my world. Isn't it funny how everyone wishes that? So many people wanting what the other folks have. Maybe they should crawl into their world a bit and take a closer look to be sure...
That is why I am really looking at this whole experience as a journey...I have said so many times that this is not about the money. I keep stressing that. I know for a fact that the money cannot buy the happiness.
Going back and forth and back and forth... should I say it? should I tell it? Hmmm... Just got the teaching job and life is so good for me right now and I know that, but am I not on this journey to examine all sides of what I see?...
Am I not blogging to examine what I experience in my life?... I think that I am. My fingers are typing, and each stroke is demanding that I go ahead with the story.
You know, we read fiction and there is so much out there that seems so "out there". And we read many stories that are "adapted" from true life... but this week, I was with a family that experienced true life in a way that puts adaptation to shame.
I want to go down that road that leads to a million dollars... I want to be one of those. I have mentioned before that my very first friend on this planet is now a millionaire. He is a super guy. I went to his 4th of July party yesterday. There were fireworks and a big colorful water slide and BBQ. He was the perfect host in his summer home. Who wouldn't want to be him?
At that party was another long time friend of 40 years. He is a local board member elect in the city. Super great guy. Everyone loves him, and his wife. He has been elected unanimously over and over because he really is that super guy that would give you the world if he could. Who wouldn't want to be him?
We were missing one person at the party though. There was a young 17 year old boy missing, Drew. He is the local senior football player at the high school with the world in front of him. All-American guy. Super guy.. and that's the truth. Who wouldn't want to be him?
To pull it all together... the party with the fireworks yesterday had the red, white and blue. It had the children and it had all the guests. But, it had this underlying theme of sadness. For the truth that everyone knew, but no one was discussing, just for a few hours, was that the All-American football player had had both of his legs cut off in a backhoe accident last week.
This had occurred while working on my friends land that he bought with all of his money. He had given young Drew a job on his land because of his uncle, who we had all known all our lives. And now, life has now changed forever for so many people.
So, now, nobody wants to be in any of those positions.
I had sworn that I was not going to write of sadness or anger any more, but it seemed wrong for me to ignore so many people that I am so close to. Even though no one reading this knows those who are involved. I feel like in so many ways, you know me.
I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs right now. This very incident is why I am on this journey. I can do nothing for Drew with a small amount, but with a large amount, I could get him the medical attention he will need.
But, even then...even then... Just writing aloud for the sake of it... when he recovers enough... if I had it to do it... maybe I could convince Drew to write his memoirs....for truly this is much more than most people will ever have to deal with EVER... he could inspire millions of people all over the world. He could inspire himself..
I am, like I said, just writing aloud, for I know how many people I have helped... not here on this blog, but in my on corner of the world... with the ordeals that I have encountered because so few people have been through them.
So, it seems like the O'Daniel and the Neal family are the ones that they flock to for emotional advice...
Hmmmm... yeah, we those lucky ones that got to encounter all the really tough stuff. I think maybe I will start an advice column.
But, it seems like Drew and his family, they may get to take top honors for a while. This will be a tough one. You never know what a moment is going to hold. Trying to wrap my mind around this one....17 and no legs.... where do you go with that one? With no warning coming to you?
Hmmm....Yes, my life is good right now... and is it fair to remember that? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. Does it even do Drew any good for me to sit and focus on his tragedy?
Shouldn't I focus on the recovery side of this? I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of what to write and this is all new to me.
I do know, and I do KNOW that our human spirit is so much more than our flesh. But, will Drew know that? Surely, it will come to him. He will have to turn within in order to get through this, and from my own experience, that is where I found mine, and Jesus, it was good and it was powerful.
That is what will get him through if he has the strength to ask. I am asking right now for that strength for him. Again, not getting religious, just being factual.
OK....I may erase all of this, but I am thinking maybe not. Would seem wrong. He deserves at least this much. Please when you read this, don't sympathize for him...visualize his healing...I know what you all have done for me....I am back on track and I KNOW it is because of the love sent in from around the world...
I am getting sappy... Drew doesn't deserve sappy.... he plays football, not water ballet....
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Sing along everybody!
"Oh, Yeah, It's My Birthday.. We're Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday!"
No, it's not really my birthday.. That's my attempt at being ultra cool and singing that cool song that all the kids sing when they are excited about something. You know how they dance around and lean back and cross their hands across their chests?
For those of you that do know that song... sing along with me.. "It's My Birthday.." For those that don't, just make up your own song for me and sing it to yourself for me...
I'll wait..
O.K..... Oh, yeah! I got the teaching job that I wanted... In the school that I wanted! In the grade that I wanted! "It's My Birthday!" "Celebrate Good Times, Come ON!!!"
So, there are people that aspire to greatness in ALL kinds of ways.. all kinds of ways. I have thought long and hard about my greatness. How is it that I am going to make my million dollars..
Hmmm. Hmmm... Well, I know that it is not going to fall into my lap right this moment. I know that the main part of my journey is to be a success in each moment. I know that the main thing that I want to do is follow my heart, and I have decided that I want to discover what that really means. One thing I have decided is: that means to follow my feelings. To do what really feels right in the moment.
And when things just start "Happening" for you and they feel right, then maybe that is what you are supposed to be doing.. I think that is what it means to follow your heart.
When I was in the 3rd grade, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Jones. I loved my class. I can picture that class so well. And I truly do remember wanting to be a teacher. While other people were aspiring to other great things, I was aspiring to be a teacher. I didn't think about the money, I just thought about the classroom.
I taught my dolls, my dog, the frogs or the rocks outside. And when I was in the 5th grade, the school was giving away all the books that they used that year because they were getting new ones. I literally made 3 trips back and forth from the school so that I could have an entire arsonal of school books to teach with at home.
I have known since I was a young child that teaching was my calling. I have been out of the teaching profession for quite a while and I have missed it since the day I left. There were various reasons why I left, but since I have been gone, there has been this emptiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
So, that brings us to the present. I have this goal in front of me... this million dollar goal. I have not wavered from that... but, as I said earlier, I am not expecting that to fall from the sky, so wouldn't it suit me best to live in the present the best way I know how?
And if I am living my best life right now, and living for an ultimate goal while being ever present, won't I surely get closer and closer? If I am happy, really happy... won't I learn how to be crazy successful in the process?
Soo... I stopped after that last sentence for an entire 24 hours and thought on it. Trying to decide about this whole thing... For some reason, completely out of the blue, the million dollar goal came to me last year.. Me.. this one person who never had a goal like that.
It is not so much of a goal as it is an... attainment... which I guess, yes, is a goal. But, it is not the same as it would be for someone in a business suit going out for the attainment of the money right now. It is, as I have said in one of my earlier posts, it is for the attainment of becoming what it takes to become the type of person who would be able to either:
A. Make that type of money
B. Save that type of money
C. Inspire others to make that type of money
However, those three statements had money all over them... all over them. But, once again... money is paper.. And paper, really is useless unless you know what to do with it. What good is your house, even if it is a really grand house if you don't enjoy it? A really grand house has to be cleaned and furnished and well, you know, you do need to live in it.
What good is it to have it if you are working all the time and never get to see it? We have been down that road, and it was a bit bumpy. I have to say that I am a little glad that we did it while we were young enough to see that it was not all that it was cracked up to be. We didn't see the upstairs as often as we thought that we would. The entire family lived mostly in one room. The little ones were pretty much afraid to sleep in their rooms that we spent an arm and a leg on to furnish.
What a waste of that paper that my husband worked his tail off to make...
Sorry about that trip down memory lane... or rather memory road with potholes... Yes, the house was Be-u-tiful, and it was all the rave, but it was all-the-headache... and well, now we are paying the piper for it still..
So, now, if you will let me come back into the present again... We are back in another beautiful home, but I am really trying to get myself to a place where I am trying to see...
Main focus... main goal... Happiness. True happiness. What is that? I felt that in my last post. Million dollars... yes, that could buy a lot of things... Why has this goal been put into my focus? And it really has... It is on the brain.. Teaching... it is also on the brain, and it really did fall into place, and I feel like I am following my heart on this one.
I feel like I am talking in circles here... if you are reading this, do you feel like you are listening to one of those girls that rambles incessently? Write it out... Write it out... Write it out....
I am getting it out of my head to try to see why I have been given this focus. Hmmmm... I know that it is coming... I guess all of that to say that I know that the good in life is coming my way, and that I feel it.
You ever just "had that feeling"? It's one thing to "have that feeling" for a minute or two.. But to have that feeling for all the time... Yeah, it's good. Not in a delusion of grandeur sort of way, because it is not like that. It's just in a "Life is good" sort of way.
Because like the great scholar, Hannah Montana, says, "Life's What You Make It.. So Let's Make It Right!"
And, I fully intend to... and if for now, if it is my destiny to touch one student's life in some way then that is what I intend to do...
What is much, much more exciting to me, however, is that it may be the destiny of one those student's to cross MY path. It may be their purpose to touch me in such a profound way as to change my life forever. And now that I think about it, I really do have no doubt that that is precisely what will happen.
Because it really is very hard to be in the life of children and not react to their actions, much less the stories behind their actions....
Oh, geez, I have now gotten myself so much more excited about my new job than before, for I now know that this is where I am suppose to be.. I wonder which one of those students will change my life FIRST? And when they do, will I remember to know that it is happening? Surely I will, for that is why I am on this journey...
O.K. back to the present.. Everybody now... "It's My Birthday.. We Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday..." Because I REALLY have a reason now...
No, it's not really my birthday.. That's my attempt at being ultra cool and singing that cool song that all the kids sing when they are excited about something. You know how they dance around and lean back and cross their hands across their chests?
For those of you that do know that song... sing along with me.. "It's My Birthday.." For those that don't, just make up your own song for me and sing it to yourself for me...
I'll wait..
O.K..... Oh, yeah! I got the teaching job that I wanted... In the school that I wanted! In the grade that I wanted! "It's My Birthday!" "Celebrate Good Times, Come ON!!!"
So, there are people that aspire to greatness in ALL kinds of ways.. all kinds of ways. I have thought long and hard about my greatness. How is it that I am going to make my million dollars..
Hmmm. Hmmm... Well, I know that it is not going to fall into my lap right this moment. I know that the main part of my journey is to be a success in each moment. I know that the main thing that I want to do is follow my heart, and I have decided that I want to discover what that really means. One thing I have decided is: that means to follow my feelings. To do what really feels right in the moment.
And when things just start "Happening" for you and they feel right, then maybe that is what you are supposed to be doing.. I think that is what it means to follow your heart.
When I was in the 3rd grade, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Jones. I loved my class. I can picture that class so well. And I truly do remember wanting to be a teacher. While other people were aspiring to other great things, I was aspiring to be a teacher. I didn't think about the money, I just thought about the classroom.
I taught my dolls, my dog, the frogs or the rocks outside. And when I was in the 5th grade, the school was giving away all the books that they used that year because they were getting new ones. I literally made 3 trips back and forth from the school so that I could have an entire arsonal of school books to teach with at home.
I have known since I was a young child that teaching was my calling. I have been out of the teaching profession for quite a while and I have missed it since the day I left. There were various reasons why I left, but since I have been gone, there has been this emptiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on.
So, that brings us to the present. I have this goal in front of me... this million dollar goal. I have not wavered from that... but, as I said earlier, I am not expecting that to fall from the sky, so wouldn't it suit me best to live in the present the best way I know how?
And if I am living my best life right now, and living for an ultimate goal while being ever present, won't I surely get closer and closer? If I am happy, really happy... won't I learn how to be crazy successful in the process?
Soo... I stopped after that last sentence for an entire 24 hours and thought on it. Trying to decide about this whole thing... For some reason, completely out of the blue, the million dollar goal came to me last year.. Me.. this one person who never had a goal like that.
It is not so much of a goal as it is an... attainment... which I guess, yes, is a goal. But, it is not the same as it would be for someone in a business suit going out for the attainment of the money right now. It is, as I have said in one of my earlier posts, it is for the attainment of becoming what it takes to become the type of person who would be able to either:
A. Make that type of money
B. Save that type of money
C. Inspire others to make that type of money
However, those three statements had money all over them... all over them. But, once again... money is paper.. And paper, really is useless unless you know what to do with it. What good is your house, even if it is a really grand house if you don't enjoy it? A really grand house has to be cleaned and furnished and well, you know, you do need to live in it.
What good is it to have it if you are working all the time and never get to see it? We have been down that road, and it was a bit bumpy. I have to say that I am a little glad that we did it while we were young enough to see that it was not all that it was cracked up to be. We didn't see the upstairs as often as we thought that we would. The entire family lived mostly in one room. The little ones were pretty much afraid to sleep in their rooms that we spent an arm and a leg on to furnish.
What a waste of that paper that my husband worked his tail off to make...
Sorry about that trip down memory lane... or rather memory road with potholes... Yes, the house was Be-u-tiful, and it was all the rave, but it was all-the-headache... and well, now we are paying the piper for it still..
So, now, if you will let me come back into the present again... We are back in another beautiful home, but I am really trying to get myself to a place where I am trying to see...
Main focus... main goal... Happiness. True happiness. What is that? I felt that in my last post. Million dollars... yes, that could buy a lot of things... Why has this goal been put into my focus? And it really has... It is on the brain.. Teaching... it is also on the brain, and it really did fall into place, and I feel like I am following my heart on this one.
I feel like I am talking in circles here... if you are reading this, do you feel like you are listening to one of those girls that rambles incessently? Write it out... Write it out... Write it out....
I am getting it out of my head to try to see why I have been given this focus. Hmmmm... I know that it is coming... I guess all of that to say that I know that the good in life is coming my way, and that I feel it.
You ever just "had that feeling"? It's one thing to "have that feeling" for a minute or two.. But to have that feeling for all the time... Yeah, it's good. Not in a delusion of grandeur sort of way, because it is not like that. It's just in a "Life is good" sort of way.
Because like the great scholar, Hannah Montana, says, "Life's What You Make It.. So Let's Make It Right!"
And, I fully intend to... and if for now, if it is my destiny to touch one student's life in some way then that is what I intend to do...
What is much, much more exciting to me, however, is that it may be the destiny of one those student's to cross MY path. It may be their purpose to touch me in such a profound way as to change my life forever. And now that I think about it, I really do have no doubt that that is precisely what will happen.
Because it really is very hard to be in the life of children and not react to their actions, much less the stories behind their actions....
Oh, geez, I have now gotten myself so much more excited about my new job than before, for I now know that this is where I am suppose to be.. I wonder which one of those students will change my life FIRST? And when they do, will I remember to know that it is happening? Surely I will, for that is why I am on this journey...
O.K. back to the present.. Everybody now... "It's My Birthday.. We Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday..." Because I REALLY have a reason now...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
View from space
Okie Dokie, Artiechokies... I am putting some Glade Sanitizers all around this post in every corner.. airing it out...
I have to say that I feel so much better.. so much lighter. So much more.. yeah, cleansed. I have heard that word thrown around so much in different ways, but never really knew what it meant, but now, well, I have had a dose of it.
I went on NASA's site. I pulled up one of those really clear pictures of the earth that they took from one of those high dollar satellites that they put into space. Yeah, I don't know the name of it. I am so ignorant about those things that it is sad. They spent all of that money and all of that research to do that, and I didn't even take the time to remember the name of the satellite.
This is what I did do, though. And it did take some of my time, not as much time as it took to put the satellite into space.. I'll give them that. I looked up where all of the people that responded to my last post came from... all that had listed their locations...
On NASA's site, there was a picture from space that showed the Earth in all of her magnificent glory. And when I say that, I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about that. It brings me almost to my knees.
Anyway... I found my location on our beautiful big planet as best as I thought I could. Then, I started trying to find the locations of those who had left comments for me.
What I found in doing that is that even though it is a big world indeed... it is not so big of a world after all. Being able to look at it from "outside of it" made it seem small and manageable.
I was looking at it all and I was able to see all of you with your "go-go-gadget" arms reaching out to me. It was as if there were no barriers. How is it that that is possible if we live in different towns? Cities? States? Countries? Continents?
We, as human beings, have now found a way to communicate with each other in an instant across the world and give comfort to one another. I was able to gain comfort, real comfort from people that I have never met.
For heaven's sake... there were people PRAYING for me.. that did not even know me...
People are having riots in the world right now complaining about.. What is this world coming to? I will tell them... This world is a wonderful, wonderful place...
Again, I do not know who started the whole space program... I do not know who put that particlar satellite into space that showed me that particular view of the earth that I was able to see. But, could they, would they ever know that there would one day be a person whose entire life would be changed because they realized that love from across the entire world could pour in within a matter of seconds?
Surely, that was not their intention... But, does that really matter? So many discoveries are being made from those satellites going up into space... So many scientific, really-do-matter discoveries are being made...
But, to me, this really-did-matter. Your comments really did matter. And let me tell you how they impacted my life all the way around...
I don't have any idea if you saw the light hearted movie "Bruce Almighty"... It was funny... it was.. But at one point in the movie, Jim Carrey was able to see his girlfriend praying for him, and it touched him so profoundly that it changed him... he also was able to hear prayers from people... and it changed him...
I don't know how to explain this to you.. I don't... Again, this has nothing at all to do with religious affiliation and it is not to sound sacriligious. But, I am telling you all, I felt your "prayers" for me, for lack of another word. With each comment that came in, I felt comforted.
And when I went onto that NASA sight and looked at our planet, it was as if those engineers all those years ago had made that satellite just for me as if to say, "See, Kayce, this big ole world can handle what ever it is you need. Just ask. We are all here for you. You just have to ask us."
There was one blog that I went to when I was searching around that had a guy named Matt Hardy that just went all over the world dancing.. yeah, dancing.. and everyone joined him. And you know me and my dancing. I was just pouring tears of gratitude to be led to that site. I watched it 5 times. The world can be pulled together in such small ways.
Of course, NASA spent a cajillion dollars doing it and their image, again, pulled me to my knees... but honestly... it was you guys that have put me on my knees several times in the last few days in severe gratitude....
As I explained, eighteen years years ago, at age 23, my life changed forever.... and now at age 41, it did again...
I have to say that I feel so much better.. so much lighter. So much more.. yeah, cleansed. I have heard that word thrown around so much in different ways, but never really knew what it meant, but now, well, I have had a dose of it.
I went on NASA's site. I pulled up one of those really clear pictures of the earth that they took from one of those high dollar satellites that they put into space. Yeah, I don't know the name of it. I am so ignorant about those things that it is sad. They spent all of that money and all of that research to do that, and I didn't even take the time to remember the name of the satellite.
This is what I did do, though. And it did take some of my time, not as much time as it took to put the satellite into space.. I'll give them that. I looked up where all of the people that responded to my last post came from... all that had listed their locations...
On NASA's site, there was a picture from space that showed the Earth in all of her magnificent glory. And when I say that, I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about that. It brings me almost to my knees.
Anyway... I found my location on our beautiful big planet as best as I thought I could. Then, I started trying to find the locations of those who had left comments for me.
What I found in doing that is that even though it is a big world indeed... it is not so big of a world after all. Being able to look at it from "outside of it" made it seem small and manageable.
I was looking at it all and I was able to see all of you with your "go-go-gadget" arms reaching out to me. It was as if there were no barriers. How is it that that is possible if we live in different towns? Cities? States? Countries? Continents?
We, as human beings, have now found a way to communicate with each other in an instant across the world and give comfort to one another. I was able to gain comfort, real comfort from people that I have never met.
For heaven's sake... there were people PRAYING for me.. that did not even know me...
People are having riots in the world right now complaining about.. What is this world coming to? I will tell them... This world is a wonderful, wonderful place...
Again, I do not know who started the whole space program... I do not know who put that particlar satellite into space that showed me that particular view of the earth that I was able to see. But, could they, would they ever know that there would one day be a person whose entire life would be changed because they realized that love from across the entire world could pour in within a matter of seconds?
Surely, that was not their intention... But, does that really matter? So many discoveries are being made from those satellites going up into space... So many scientific, really-do-matter discoveries are being made...
But, to me, this really-did-matter. Your comments really did matter. And let me tell you how they impacted my life all the way around...
I don't have any idea if you saw the light hearted movie "Bruce Almighty"... It was funny... it was.. But at one point in the movie, Jim Carrey was able to see his girlfriend praying for him, and it touched him so profoundly that it changed him... he also was able to hear prayers from people... and it changed him...
I don't know how to explain this to you.. I don't... Again, this has nothing at all to do with religious affiliation and it is not to sound sacriligious. But, I am telling you all, I felt your "prayers" for me, for lack of another word. With each comment that came in, I felt comforted.
And when I went onto that NASA sight and looked at our planet, it was as if those engineers all those years ago had made that satellite just for me as if to say, "See, Kayce, this big ole world can handle what ever it is you need. Just ask. We are all here for you. You just have to ask us."
There was one blog that I went to when I was searching around that had a guy named Matt Hardy that just went all over the world dancing.. yeah, dancing.. and everyone joined him. And you know me and my dancing. I was just pouring tears of gratitude to be led to that site. I watched it 5 times. The world can be pulled together in such small ways.
Of course, NASA spent a cajillion dollars doing it and their image, again, pulled me to my knees... but honestly... it was you guys that have put me on my knees several times in the last few days in severe gratitude....
As I explained, eighteen years years ago, at age 23, my life changed forever.... and now at age 41, it did again...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Cleansing
I am trying to decide what I want to write about tonight. This is a tough one. My husband is in the other room right now watching a recording of "Meet the Press". I am not sure how far I am going to go with this one. It goes a bit deep for me. Not on the surface, because I didn't know Tim Russert.
He was a prominent news reporter in America and around the globe. I don't watch a great deal of news television, but I did know who Tim Russert was, so of course it was a blow to hear of his death. How could it not be? It is very surreal to hear when someone who is on television so much dies. How in the world can that really happen? Aren't those people suppose to be, like, superhuman?
But, wait... are they not just super humans? As in humans that did super things... not only for us on television.. but also for us super humans at home watching our televsions?
Don't you think that Tim Russert probably spent his whole life just like us working really hard in grade school hoping for that day that he would get to have his 15 minutes of fame, just maybe? And, I have no idea, but maybe he thought that he got it when he hit a home run at the little league game, or maybe he thought it was when he saw stars during his first kiss...
I don't know Tim Russert... but from all the press he gave and all the press he is now receiving, there is no doubt that he was a great man. I would imagine that his fifteen minutes probably began sometime after he collapsed.
I am not an authority on what happens after we die. I have yet to be there, and I have to say that I am not standing in line to be the first. But, because of the experiences that I have been through, I do have to say that I have no fear.
I was personally there with a great man when he went.
This is a heavy subject, I know, so if now is the time to leave, then it may be best to go. I have heard it said when you feel the need to write, then write and write some more.
To watch someone die when they are so alive is a hard thing to see in the moment. It was almost 18 years ago that I walked through the Ole Miss College Football Stadium with my father.
It just took me 20 minutes to write the above 2 sentences...
That is the impact that the unexpected death of a father has on a daughter... Hmmm... Maybe I am not so ready to write about it after all... I just can't tell the story.. So I just won't right now. I'll save it for another day.
I don't have fear of my own... I can crank out the words now, but I can still not talk of his. Isn't that something? It took me 20 minutes to write 2 sentences because I relived the most tragic ordeal of my existence. And that happened over 18 years ago. I promise that I have moved on with my life, as long as I am not thinking about it. But, that is why I said that in the beginning of the post... I was planning on writing about something else, but as soon as I entered the blank page, I heard the TV going...
It was about Tim Russert... it got me thinking about the man and his family. The effects will be following him for awhile. Those effects last for a bit, to say the least.
Aw geez, this has become an all -about- me post, and I didn't want all that. Really and truly, I don't want all this sympathy..really. I stay away from that as much as possible.
I am completely pointing out how much it takes to deal with it all...how it affects different people.
OK, this is about Tim Russert... I have gotten myself into a bit of a tizzy. That seems to happen to me when I hear about someone who loses their father. It seems to take me back to a time that really was tough. Can anyone out there tell that is what is happening to me here?
Seems a bit selfish? I am wanting to go and grab Luke Russert and tell him that really, deal with it all now. Cry now, don't wait, because if you wait, you may just wait so long that it gets to a point that you just turn to stone over it... then there is just a hard spot that feels like it will explode.... then that.. that turns to unbearable pain over a number of years.. and then, my sweet boy, that may become physical pain...that may last for, oh I don't know... 10 years or so...
But, I won't... because I learned my lesson FINALLY! Remember, I finally learned my lesson this year.. 40 was my year... It took 17 years, but I finally did cry. It was a river, but I did finally cry. So, there was really no need for all that nonsense.... whew!
Yes, I feel a huge sense of grief for a family that I do not know that doesn't know me. I can empathize with people all over the globe that lose their father. I wish that I could get with them and let them know that it really WILL be okay. It may take a "bit" of time.
Geez. I just reread this and am trying to decide whether to leave this in. Can't decide. If it is raw emotion that you are suppose to leave in, then I should leave it in. While reading it, what came to mind was Princess Diana's boys and how they had to maintain control while seeing their mother during the funeral procession...
People marveled at their strength and cried with them through their tears. But, there was no way that the cameras captured their emotions. The cameras cannot get inside our heads and our hearts. These deep emotions are saved only for us. We have to experience them only in our time when it feels right for us. It sneaks up on us only when we can handle it, and unfortunately, that is usually when we are completely alone...
But, I think I may change my view on that and say, by experience, that I find that a quite fortunate thing. Being very alone is the best time to experience true heartache of this nature, for it is in those times, that is when you have the company of the Lord, in his truest sense. If you have ever been able to find God, that will be when.
I say that with every amount of faith and without any religious affiliation. I hope that doesn't sound sacriligious. I do not mean it to. I mean it in the most literal sense. It was not until I was at the bottom of it all and could take no more that I finally said, "OK, I give up". That is when I heard it. Not from outside, and not from a cloud... but from within my own self...
I finally was able to listen. I finally got quiet enough and calm enough to listen. I stopped being angry about my father's death and listened to what was being told to me, and it came from within. God had been with me all along just waiting... And now.... It is all okay... And I am not afraid anymore, not for my father and not for me.... just like that...
Whewwww...a little deeper than I meant to tonight... I was going for something else, but my fingers starting typing about Tim Russert and his family and I knew that I couldn't go anywhere else but here. I feel a little cleansed by this. A little lighter somehow. I haven't even talked about my father much, so this may be the start of something very real... I thank you for helping this far in my journey, and I have to say, I surely did not think it was going to lead me in this direction... surprise...surprise...surprise....
He was a prominent news reporter in America and around the globe. I don't watch a great deal of news television, but I did know who Tim Russert was, so of course it was a blow to hear of his death. How could it not be? It is very surreal to hear when someone who is on television so much dies. How in the world can that really happen? Aren't those people suppose to be, like, superhuman?
But, wait... are they not just super humans? As in humans that did super things... not only for us on television.. but also for us super humans at home watching our televsions?
Don't you think that Tim Russert probably spent his whole life just like us working really hard in grade school hoping for that day that he would get to have his 15 minutes of fame, just maybe? And, I have no idea, but maybe he thought that he got it when he hit a home run at the little league game, or maybe he thought it was when he saw stars during his first kiss...
I don't know Tim Russert... but from all the press he gave and all the press he is now receiving, there is no doubt that he was a great man. I would imagine that his fifteen minutes probably began sometime after he collapsed.
I am not an authority on what happens after we die. I have yet to be there, and I have to say that I am not standing in line to be the first. But, because of the experiences that I have been through, I do have to say that I have no fear.
I was personally there with a great man when he went.
This is a heavy subject, I know, so if now is the time to leave, then it may be best to go. I have heard it said when you feel the need to write, then write and write some more.
To watch someone die when they are so alive is a hard thing to see in the moment. It was almost 18 years ago that I walked through the Ole Miss College Football Stadium with my father.
It just took me 20 minutes to write the above 2 sentences...
That is the impact that the unexpected death of a father has on a daughter... Hmmm... Maybe I am not so ready to write about it after all... I just can't tell the story.. So I just won't right now. I'll save it for another day.
I don't have fear of my own... I can crank out the words now, but I can still not talk of his. Isn't that something? It took me 20 minutes to write 2 sentences because I relived the most tragic ordeal of my existence. And that happened over 18 years ago. I promise that I have moved on with my life, as long as I am not thinking about it. But, that is why I said that in the beginning of the post... I was planning on writing about something else, but as soon as I entered the blank page, I heard the TV going...
It was about Tim Russert... it got me thinking about the man and his family. The effects will be following him for awhile. Those effects last for a bit, to say the least.
Aw geez, this has become an all -about- me post, and I didn't want all that. Really and truly, I don't want all this sympathy..really. I stay away from that as much as possible.
I am completely pointing out how much it takes to deal with it all...how it affects different people.
OK, this is about Tim Russert... I have gotten myself into a bit of a tizzy. That seems to happen to me when I hear about someone who loses their father. It seems to take me back to a time that really was tough. Can anyone out there tell that is what is happening to me here?
Seems a bit selfish? I am wanting to go and grab Luke Russert and tell him that really, deal with it all now. Cry now, don't wait, because if you wait, you may just wait so long that it gets to a point that you just turn to stone over it... then there is just a hard spot that feels like it will explode.... then that.. that turns to unbearable pain over a number of years.. and then, my sweet boy, that may become physical pain...that may last for, oh I don't know... 10 years or so...
But, I won't... because I learned my lesson FINALLY! Remember, I finally learned my lesson this year.. 40 was my year... It took 17 years, but I finally did cry. It was a river, but I did finally cry. So, there was really no need for all that nonsense.... whew!
Yes, I feel a huge sense of grief for a family that I do not know that doesn't know me. I can empathize with people all over the globe that lose their father. I wish that I could get with them and let them know that it really WILL be okay. It may take a "bit" of time.
Geez. I just reread this and am trying to decide whether to leave this in. Can't decide. If it is raw emotion that you are suppose to leave in, then I should leave it in. While reading it, what came to mind was Princess Diana's boys and how they had to maintain control while seeing their mother during the funeral procession...
People marveled at their strength and cried with them through their tears. But, there was no way that the cameras captured their emotions. The cameras cannot get inside our heads and our hearts. These deep emotions are saved only for us. We have to experience them only in our time when it feels right for us. It sneaks up on us only when we can handle it, and unfortunately, that is usually when we are completely alone...
But, I think I may change my view on that and say, by experience, that I find that a quite fortunate thing. Being very alone is the best time to experience true heartache of this nature, for it is in those times, that is when you have the company of the Lord, in his truest sense. If you have ever been able to find God, that will be when.
I say that with every amount of faith and without any religious affiliation. I hope that doesn't sound sacriligious. I do not mean it to. I mean it in the most literal sense. It was not until I was at the bottom of it all and could take no more that I finally said, "OK, I give up". That is when I heard it. Not from outside, and not from a cloud... but from within my own self...
I finally was able to listen. I finally got quiet enough and calm enough to listen. I stopped being angry about my father's death and listened to what was being told to me, and it came from within. God had been with me all along just waiting... And now.... It is all okay... And I am not afraid anymore, not for my father and not for me.... just like that...
Whewwww...a little deeper than I meant to tonight... I was going for something else, but my fingers starting typing about Tim Russert and his family and I knew that I couldn't go anywhere else but here. I feel a little cleansed by this. A little lighter somehow. I haven't even talked about my father much, so this may be the start of something very real... I thank you for helping this far in my journey, and I have to say, I surely did not think it was going to lead me in this direction... surprise...surprise...surprise....
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Sushi teaches a lesson
I put 20 more dollars into the purse. Yes, I have a purse now. I changed it from the Cash Stash to the purse now. I put aside money into a savings purse "often". Ideally, every day. Then, I stand there not unlike a cartoon character and do a dance of thanks. Reason being, because, really and truly, I am so thankful that I have remembered to save that money that I am putting in there. I wasn't doing that kind of savings a few months ago and now I am. I am reaching me a big time goal here.
And those of you that are not new to my story, you will not be at all surprised to believe that I probably even sing a little bit while at my savings purse. So there I am dancing and a-singing. And, it is looking a-little silly, and I am just not even caring in the least. Reason being, I am happy and I am so unbelievable faithful each time I put that money in that my goal is coming true.
Okay, so that's that.. I had to go into all of that, because my dancing tirade just occured before I sat down and I am a little winded. The dog is, too, for he was running full speed away from me, for it scares the little critter a bit. (Really, I am no Jennifer Lopez.)
But, I am working on the body image. Still trying to get the old body into shape. Still trying to do the walk/run. Trying to eat right... trying to anyway... Oh, oh... get this.. at our local Kroger. . guess what they are selling now.. just guess.. anyone? anyone? Bueller? Bueller? No?
Sushi! Sushi! They are selling Sushi! The ultra cool sushi! Right there at Kroger! I can be ultra cool buying sushi at Kroger! People can see ME buying sushi right here! And guess what....I can't even so much as SMELL sushi without gagging... ughhhh...
But... there I stood... in front of the sushi counter looking at all the sushi .. All the different kinds with the seaweed and the raw tuna and the ginger and all the other stuff I couldn't really look at.. but I did. And there were all the people that I saw walking past me.. Looking at me looking at the sushi. And you just know that they thought that I was just that ultra cool, hip, awesome, far-out mom who was buying sushi. You know that they were wishing they were me. They were wishing that they had my pallette...
So, I reached in and grabbed me some sushi and put it in my basket. Meanwhile, my children were making every groaning noise they could come up with about how completely gross it was. They were making loud announcements about how badly I hated the sushi. I had to use that mom voice, you know the one where you put your lips so close together that they look like they are just one line. I had to say, "Would you please be quiet? Mommy loves sushi now!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK! YOU SAID IT WAS DISGUSTING AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW ANYONE WOULD EAT IT!"
Okay, so there were a few bumpy parts in the whole scene, but for the most part, I DID look the chic sushi patron. I had an extra bounce in my step.
So, we carried our step up to the cashier and I made sure that my sushi stayed right on top of our basket. I made sure that it was right on top of the Fruitty Pebbles and Ruffles. I didn't want it to fall over onto the boxes of Dum Dums or Oreos.
While the cashier pulled the sushi out, the young boy who was sacking the groceries said, "Do you eat this?" Now I was ready to shine... "Why, yes I do.." I said it with my nose striaght in the air... He said, "You have got to be kidding me"
Well, that is where the facade ended. He and I busted out laughing, for I had been coming to this Kroger forever, and I just am not the type. I told him, though, he had better put my sushi right on top. Just give me that much. I want to pretend like everyone really does care what I am eating, and that I have a chance of eating it. And that next time I come in, I am going to be wearing my tennis outfit when I get here..
I am going to come in here in my tennis outfit, holding my Starbucks, and I am going to buy me some Sushi... and that is that... "But, Mrs. Neal, you don't drink coffee..."
You would think that matters to me, those things... but the truth is, I really do want to like sushi because so much of the world likes it.. Why can't I like it...? But, for a moment there in Kroger, I felt myself get caught up in thinking, "I wonder if anyone is watching me with my sushi?" Then, I really did think, "I wonder if that is the stupidest thought that I have ever had?"
But, haven't I lived a lot of my life like that? Don't I pick out my clothes based on what others think? Don't I buy my car based on what others think? Don't I think many thoughts based on what others think? Why?
I was telling the sushi story to my mother at her office later that day, and we were all having a big laugh over it. The tennis outfit shortly followed. Then another lady pitched into the story that she would never be caught dead in a Moo-moo.. (If you are unfamiliar with one of these monstors, they are an oversized gown that does/does not zip up the front) For the most part they are considered a bit unattractive by most civilization.
On the other hand, they are considered one of the most comfortable peices of clothing by 99.9% of all who wear them. Then she turned to ask anyone in that office had ever had one.....
Welll...... my mother and I both put up our hands with pride.... This lady just couldn't believe it. No, Kayce, not you! I told her that while wearing a tennis outfit made me feel as hip as Posh Spice, coming home and sliding myself out of it with a crow bar and easing into my ugly moo-moo made me feel like Kayce. And I was proud of it!
Proving that to be embarrassed of yourself is to loose yourself....
But, I do have to say with all honesty, if I had company come over while in the monstor moo-moo, I would have to crank out the reserve sushi and offer them a bite just to offset the moo-mooness a bit. Get us back on some neutral ground....
I wonder how many people are like this....I wonder how many people I see buying all this "fru-fru" ness are doing so just for the looks of it? I know how often I do it, and now I am beginning to see just how unneccessary it is. And I am a little disgusted with myself for it..
I am learning. I can make fun of myself for it, but I can also be quite a bit ashamed about it too. For does a shirt without a lable mean that the person who fills the shirt is not a quality human being? Does a car without a high quality symbol mean that the driver does not have some relevance to offer this world?
Does a person who is not drinking a name brand soda not deserve to sit with those who are drinking a soda that costs 45 cents more? This name game has gotten just a bit out of control...
And where does it stop? It seems that if you want to play tennis, then you should be able to do so in your t-shirt and sweats just as surely as you can in your cute matching stretchy suit. If you want to play basketball, play it in the streets with a broken net just like those who play it in a $5000 a year gym membership.
Want a boyfriend, look for one who is kind and decent on the inside first, not who is wrapped in fine clothes and drives fancy cars from the outside.
I saw a man today as I was leaving in my own car. I was going down the street and he was pulling out of a driveway in what had to be a $75,000 SUV. He obviously didn't see me and he pulled out so quickly without looking that he almost hit me. I honked the horn just in time for him to slam on his breaks. He pulled back into his long drive way quite far.
When I looked back into the rear veiw mirror, he had his head bent over the steering wheel. I turned my car around to make sure that he was okay. At closer look, he was crying. He was really sobbing. I slowed down a bit, but I didn't get out. In this case, I didn't feel it was my place. Maybe it was, but I just didn't know.
There had to be something going on in his life to make him be so absorbed in his thinking as to not look behind him before zooming out of that driveway like that. And then, when I honked, it startled him back into reality. There are endless possibilities as to what that reality could have been.
He could have just been in an argument with his spouse, friend or child. He could have just lost a loved one. He could be in enormous debt and had no way out that he could see.... And the list could go on and on. I would never know.
We all have issues, and it is about us, not what we drive or what we wear, or especially what we eat... Thank God....
And for those of you that like Sushi... I envy you... I really want to...I think maybe it's the soy sauce.... Or maybe it's just the sushi trying to teach me a lesson....
And those of you that are not new to my story, you will not be at all surprised to believe that I probably even sing a little bit while at my savings purse. So there I am dancing and a-singing. And, it is looking a-little silly, and I am just not even caring in the least. Reason being, I am happy and I am so unbelievable faithful each time I put that money in that my goal is coming true.
Okay, so that's that.. I had to go into all of that, because my dancing tirade just occured before I sat down and I am a little winded. The dog is, too, for he was running full speed away from me, for it scares the little critter a bit. (Really, I am no Jennifer Lopez.)
But, I am working on the body image. Still trying to get the old body into shape. Still trying to do the walk/run. Trying to eat right... trying to anyway... Oh, oh... get this.. at our local Kroger. . guess what they are selling now.. just guess.. anyone? anyone? Bueller? Bueller? No?
Sushi! Sushi! They are selling Sushi! The ultra cool sushi! Right there at Kroger! I can be ultra cool buying sushi at Kroger! People can see ME buying sushi right here! And guess what....I can't even so much as SMELL sushi without gagging... ughhhh...
But... there I stood... in front of the sushi counter looking at all the sushi .. All the different kinds with the seaweed and the raw tuna and the ginger and all the other stuff I couldn't really look at.. but I did. And there were all the people that I saw walking past me.. Looking at me looking at the sushi. And you just know that they thought that I was just that ultra cool, hip, awesome, far-out mom who was buying sushi. You know that they were wishing they were me. They were wishing that they had my pallette...
So, I reached in and grabbed me some sushi and put it in my basket. Meanwhile, my children were making every groaning noise they could come up with about how completely gross it was. They were making loud announcements about how badly I hated the sushi. I had to use that mom voice, you know the one where you put your lips so close together that they look like they are just one line. I had to say, "Would you please be quiet? Mommy loves sushi now!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK! YOU SAID IT WAS DISGUSTING AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW ANYONE WOULD EAT IT!"
Okay, so there were a few bumpy parts in the whole scene, but for the most part, I DID look the chic sushi patron. I had an extra bounce in my step.
So, we carried our step up to the cashier and I made sure that my sushi stayed right on top of our basket. I made sure that it was right on top of the Fruitty Pebbles and Ruffles. I didn't want it to fall over onto the boxes of Dum Dums or Oreos.
While the cashier pulled the sushi out, the young boy who was sacking the groceries said, "Do you eat this?" Now I was ready to shine... "Why, yes I do.." I said it with my nose striaght in the air... He said, "You have got to be kidding me"
Well, that is where the facade ended. He and I busted out laughing, for I had been coming to this Kroger forever, and I just am not the type. I told him, though, he had better put my sushi right on top. Just give me that much. I want to pretend like everyone really does care what I am eating, and that I have a chance of eating it. And that next time I come in, I am going to be wearing my tennis outfit when I get here..
I am going to come in here in my tennis outfit, holding my Starbucks, and I am going to buy me some Sushi... and that is that... "But, Mrs. Neal, you don't drink coffee..."
You would think that matters to me, those things... but the truth is, I really do want to like sushi because so much of the world likes it.. Why can't I like it...? But, for a moment there in Kroger, I felt myself get caught up in thinking, "I wonder if anyone is watching me with my sushi?" Then, I really did think, "I wonder if that is the stupidest thought that I have ever had?"
But, haven't I lived a lot of my life like that? Don't I pick out my clothes based on what others think? Don't I buy my car based on what others think? Don't I think many thoughts based on what others think? Why?
I was telling the sushi story to my mother at her office later that day, and we were all having a big laugh over it. The tennis outfit shortly followed. Then another lady pitched into the story that she would never be caught dead in a Moo-moo.. (If you are unfamiliar with one of these monstors, they are an oversized gown that does/does not zip up the front) For the most part they are considered a bit unattractive by most civilization.
On the other hand, they are considered one of the most comfortable peices of clothing by 99.9% of all who wear them. Then she turned to ask anyone in that office had ever had one.....
Welll...... my mother and I both put up our hands with pride.... This lady just couldn't believe it. No, Kayce, not you! I told her that while wearing a tennis outfit made me feel as hip as Posh Spice, coming home and sliding myself out of it with a crow bar and easing into my ugly moo-moo made me feel like Kayce. And I was proud of it!
Proving that to be embarrassed of yourself is to loose yourself....
But, I do have to say with all honesty, if I had company come over while in the monstor moo-moo, I would have to crank out the reserve sushi and offer them a bite just to offset the moo-mooness a bit. Get us back on some neutral ground....
I wonder how many people are like this....I wonder how many people I see buying all this "fru-fru" ness are doing so just for the looks of it? I know how often I do it, and now I am beginning to see just how unneccessary it is. And I am a little disgusted with myself for it..
I am learning. I can make fun of myself for it, but I can also be quite a bit ashamed about it too. For does a shirt without a lable mean that the person who fills the shirt is not a quality human being? Does a car without a high quality symbol mean that the driver does not have some relevance to offer this world?
Does a person who is not drinking a name brand soda not deserve to sit with those who are drinking a soda that costs 45 cents more? This name game has gotten just a bit out of control...
And where does it stop? It seems that if you want to play tennis, then you should be able to do so in your t-shirt and sweats just as surely as you can in your cute matching stretchy suit. If you want to play basketball, play it in the streets with a broken net just like those who play it in a $5000 a year gym membership.
Want a boyfriend, look for one who is kind and decent on the inside first, not who is wrapped in fine clothes and drives fancy cars from the outside.
I saw a man today as I was leaving in my own car. I was going down the street and he was pulling out of a driveway in what had to be a $75,000 SUV. He obviously didn't see me and he pulled out so quickly without looking that he almost hit me. I honked the horn just in time for him to slam on his breaks. He pulled back into his long drive way quite far.
When I looked back into the rear veiw mirror, he had his head bent over the steering wheel. I turned my car around to make sure that he was okay. At closer look, he was crying. He was really sobbing. I slowed down a bit, but I didn't get out. In this case, I didn't feel it was my place. Maybe it was, but I just didn't know.
There had to be something going on in his life to make him be so absorbed in his thinking as to not look behind him before zooming out of that driveway like that. And then, when I honked, it startled him back into reality. There are endless possibilities as to what that reality could have been.
He could have just been in an argument with his spouse, friend or child. He could have just lost a loved one. He could be in enormous debt and had no way out that he could see.... And the list could go on and on. I would never know.
We all have issues, and it is about us, not what we drive or what we wear, or especially what we eat... Thank God....
And for those of you that like Sushi... I envy you... I really want to...I think maybe it's the soy sauce.... Or maybe it's just the sushi trying to teach me a lesson....
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Allowance
Getting up this morning. Just posted last night. Wondering why I need to post again this morning. Just 3 months ago I wasn't writing anything. Why this incessant need to do it now? Why this need to write so much now? Why this need to have this goal anyway?
Just a little over a year ago, my life was not like this. I was miserable and now I am not. I was that one that was sitting in front of the TV watching TIVO all of the time. Now I am not. Now I have this definite purpose. I am on the lookout for.. What exactly?
I know that is what I have to get straight in my head. There is the big ole world out there. And it is such a big ole world. It is such a big ole magnificent world that I feel like I have missed out on. But, then I think again. Have I really?
I have grown up. I have hit every age between one and forty-one. I have the pictures to prove it. I had the dolls and the paper dolls. I was able to read Nancy Drew and play in the sprinkler out in the backyard. I was able to go to sleepovers and play with a Ouiji board until I was scared silly.
Then I was allowed to have a broken foot from falling off the top of a pyramid at cheerleading camp. I was also allowed to kiss my first boy in my own backyard playing spin the bottle at my Sweet 16th Party. He was the first one to break my heart, in the end that year.
I have gone to high school and played class president and drama club. I have seen college life and way too much of college life, but, to be honest, wasn't it little but fun? (Even if I do regret a bit of it.)
I was able to meet one or two men that I thought were my destiny, only to have my dreams shattered for the moment. I was allowed to lose my father, only to gain my husband 3 months later. He rode in like a knight in shining armor to rescue me from one of the most traumatic times of my life. I was able to see what true love was after true loss. I was able to experience what story books write about in terms of a fairy tale wedding, because I stood with a man that had truly taken me from heartache to heart-filled without even trying, with only being present.
I have been able to have my first child and to be able to look into the eyes of a first child and feel the overwhelming love that you feel knowing that you created that life....
Then, amazingly, I was able to do that again, and then again. What it is about creating life is so much more than my words know how to explain, but my heart does know how to feel. And I was blessed and still every day I am able to feel that as I watch my children live.
I get to watch them play in the sprinkler and get to help them read books. I get to help them make the calls for friends to have sleepovers. I get to hide in the closet for hide and go seek so that I can scare them silly. I get to experience the smiles and the joy of a being a mother.
Now, I am getting to watch my first born go through the trials of experiencing first love. I hear through the "grapevine" about that first kiss. It is a bit surreal, but it is taking me back and letting me know that yes, I have had such a complete and full life so far. And now, so are my children.
I am on this journey for a reason. Every experience so far has been for a reason. I have this goal for a reason. It has been put into my thoughts, and now I must act on it. I look at life so much differently now.
I want to see success in what I do. That makes playing the game of life different somehow. I think that I have played it well. But, now I want to play it grand. I want my children to play it grand. I want them to look around them and really notice the wonder around them.
I want to notice life as I am experiencing it. I can look back on it and notice it, but I want to notice it in the moment. I am a lucky girl, and I want to remember that while I live it today...
Just a little over a year ago, my life was not like this. I was miserable and now I am not. I was that one that was sitting in front of the TV watching TIVO all of the time. Now I am not. Now I have this definite purpose. I am on the lookout for.. What exactly?
I know that is what I have to get straight in my head. There is the big ole world out there. And it is such a big ole world. It is such a big ole magnificent world that I feel like I have missed out on. But, then I think again. Have I really?
I have grown up. I have hit every age between one and forty-one. I have the pictures to prove it. I had the dolls and the paper dolls. I was able to read Nancy Drew and play in the sprinkler out in the backyard. I was able to go to sleepovers and play with a Ouiji board until I was scared silly.
Then I was allowed to have a broken foot from falling off the top of a pyramid at cheerleading camp. I was also allowed to kiss my first boy in my own backyard playing spin the bottle at my Sweet 16th Party. He was the first one to break my heart, in the end that year.
I have gone to high school and played class president and drama club. I have seen college life and way too much of college life, but, to be honest, wasn't it little but fun? (Even if I do regret a bit of it.)
I was able to meet one or two men that I thought were my destiny, only to have my dreams shattered for the moment. I was allowed to lose my father, only to gain my husband 3 months later. He rode in like a knight in shining armor to rescue me from one of the most traumatic times of my life. I was able to see what true love was after true loss. I was able to experience what story books write about in terms of a fairy tale wedding, because I stood with a man that had truly taken me from heartache to heart-filled without even trying, with only being present.
I have been able to have my first child and to be able to look into the eyes of a first child and feel the overwhelming love that you feel knowing that you created that life....
Then, amazingly, I was able to do that again, and then again. What it is about creating life is so much more than my words know how to explain, but my heart does know how to feel. And I was blessed and still every day I am able to feel that as I watch my children live.
I get to watch them play in the sprinkler and get to help them read books. I get to help them make the calls for friends to have sleepovers. I get to hide in the closet for hide and go seek so that I can scare them silly. I get to experience the smiles and the joy of a being a mother.
Now, I am getting to watch my first born go through the trials of experiencing first love. I hear through the "grapevine" about that first kiss. It is a bit surreal, but it is taking me back and letting me know that yes, I have had such a complete and full life so far. And now, so are my children.
I am on this journey for a reason. Every experience so far has been for a reason. I have this goal for a reason. It has been put into my thoughts, and now I must act on it. I look at life so much differently now.
I want to see success in what I do. That makes playing the game of life different somehow. I think that I have played it well. But, now I want to play it grand. I want my children to play it grand. I want them to look around them and really notice the wonder around them.
I want to notice life as I am experiencing it. I can look back on it and notice it, but I want to notice it in the moment. I am a lucky girl, and I want to remember that while I live it today...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Putting out the chairs
Umm, yea, well... see, if I were going to.. well, Yeah.. that's right..
Geez, Louise.! That is exactly how most of the answers to my interveiw questions went today. I finally got to go and interveiw with the county office concerning the teaching position. And this 6 year veteran of the teaching field is a bit out of practice. YA THINK???
Can you tell that I have stayed home with children for 5 years. I completely forgot to put my big people vocabulary back in. Wow, and wow. I felt like something out of the Twilight Zone in there. And lucky that I wore black because I was sweating profusely. While trying to maintain that professional look.
The Assisstent Superintendent to the God of the Schools kept telling me I was doing fine while she nodded her head in complete exasperation because she was basically having to make up answers for me.
I promise, the last time I was a teacher, my principle just gave me the job... no interviews. And when I became a nurse, it was basically the same thing. Short and sweet. This hurt me.. HURT ME!
I finally said, "I promise I am a good teacher. Really... Please check my references. I am obviously just hidieously lacking in the interveiw department." She chuckled a bit, but she didn't exactly giggle like I would have preferred.
What she did do then was turn back in my file to my references, and though I couldn't really see them, I did lean forward enough to get somewhat of a peek. And sure enough, there they were. My former principal, vice-principal and a subordinate teacher had sent in their recommendations for me. And from all the handwritting that I saw, they wrote a novel. I could tell by the circled adjectives that they wrote some very nice things.
I was touched and was almost brought to tears right there in the room. I have come along in this journey long enough to realize that this was something special that they did for me. They had to take time out of their very busy days, fill out the very long forms, walk out to their mailboxes and send those forms in for me, in hopes that I would get this teaching job that I want.
Not one person, but three. And they all did it. These are three people that I admire. And they did that for me. That is why I do believe in angels on earth who can change your world. I have no idea exactly what was said on those forms, but I do hear the flapping of wings... that I do know.
It reminded me of how people do things all the time for others behind the scene, and it is never even noticed. I have mentioned before how my son plays the guitar. We are working on getting him in where we can. Right now, he has his sights set on playing on the stage with the big band at the church that we are visiting. It is a large stage with a rather large band.
The first day that we went, that is what caught his eye... the guitar player. Well, it is an adult band, but Parker said he would definitely be able to play up there, even at 14. So, I told him I would have to figure out who had to be spoken to, etc. Also, I felt sure we would have to join the church first.
JUST SO HAPPENS, (isn't that always the way), a good friend of mine from high school goes to church there. He had moved to Nashville to do his music thing there. But, just recently has moved back to our home town due to parental illnesses. Now, lo and behold, he is working at this church. Hmmmm.... I called him and told him I needed Parker in with someone who knew what was going on...
Also, saw another friend at this church from school (remember, we've been out 20 years) and this girl is also friends with the Nashville guy. I tell her about Parker and seeing Nashville... She says great...and so on...
Okay, so everyone says great... We go to a few lessons with Terry and then it peters out a bit... So, I am wondering maybe that wasn't the path I thought it would be..
But, then I see them at a ball game, My girl friend and she says... By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name to Danny, our youth minister, he is dynamic and he is incredible with the guitar... that is who Parker needs.
I see Terry a week later who says.. "By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name.... you get the picture..."
There were unseen angels working for my Parker for his future that we didn't even know about. And now Parker is playing his guitar with the band on Sundays. Just like that. The music director is fantastic and will push my 14 year old in the direction with the contacts he needs.
I was floored.
That leads me to one story that I am not sure I can make it through. We have friends that we grew up with, Gary and Stacy. College sweethearts. 3 kiddos. Had it all. Affluent neighborhood.
Everybody want to be them. Then one morning...it's all done... Stacy never made it to her destination....she was killed on the way. 36 years old. Yeah, that changed that world forever....
What do you do? What can you do? People were scrambling EVERYWHERE... Their house was packed. More food than you could even begin to eat. More errands being run for no reason because no one knew what they could do.... More e-mails being sent to just say something... Just anything....
But, the night before Stacy's funeral, life went on in the church. The kids had basketball practice like they usually do. This would be the same site as the funeral. So about half way through the practic, a husband and a wife that were good friends of Stacy's were there at the church putting out the chairs for the funeral. They were doing this all by themselves. There were to be over 1000 people there. And David and Ashleigh were there in their own quiet way doing this enormous task at 9pm on a Monday night, even though they had 3 children of their own. They found a way to have someone watch their children while they made sure that those chairs were placed properly for their friends funeral.
They spoke not a word while they did it. All I could do was sit in the back and weep while I watched them. For, it took me back to a time when I remembered feeling very, very alone. It was when my father died. I had so many times that I saw the people there, but I had no idea what those faces meant. And by watching David and Ashleigh put out the chairs, I now knew.
Everyone who came to me for my father had done something to be there. They had left work, or they had cooked. Or they had arranged babysitting. Or they had cried all the way. Or they had ordered flowers.
Or, maybe, just maybe, they had set out the chairs...
Geez, Louise.! That is exactly how most of the answers to my interveiw questions went today. I finally got to go and interveiw with the county office concerning the teaching position. And this 6 year veteran of the teaching field is a bit out of practice. YA THINK???
Can you tell that I have stayed home with children for 5 years. I completely forgot to put my big people vocabulary back in. Wow, and wow. I felt like something out of the Twilight Zone in there. And lucky that I wore black because I was sweating profusely. While trying to maintain that professional look.
The Assisstent Superintendent to the God of the Schools kept telling me I was doing fine while she nodded her head in complete exasperation because she was basically having to make up answers for me.
I promise, the last time I was a teacher, my principle just gave me the job... no interviews. And when I became a nurse, it was basically the same thing. Short and sweet. This hurt me.. HURT ME!
I finally said, "I promise I am a good teacher. Really... Please check my references. I am obviously just hidieously lacking in the interveiw department." She chuckled a bit, but she didn't exactly giggle like I would have preferred.
What she did do then was turn back in my file to my references, and though I couldn't really see them, I did lean forward enough to get somewhat of a peek. And sure enough, there they were. My former principal, vice-principal and a subordinate teacher had sent in their recommendations for me. And from all the handwritting that I saw, they wrote a novel. I could tell by the circled adjectives that they wrote some very nice things.
I was touched and was almost brought to tears right there in the room. I have come along in this journey long enough to realize that this was something special that they did for me. They had to take time out of their very busy days, fill out the very long forms, walk out to their mailboxes and send those forms in for me, in hopes that I would get this teaching job that I want.
Not one person, but three. And they all did it. These are three people that I admire. And they did that for me. That is why I do believe in angels on earth who can change your world. I have no idea exactly what was said on those forms, but I do hear the flapping of wings... that I do know.
It reminded me of how people do things all the time for others behind the scene, and it is never even noticed. I have mentioned before how my son plays the guitar. We are working on getting him in where we can. Right now, he has his sights set on playing on the stage with the big band at the church that we are visiting. It is a large stage with a rather large band.
The first day that we went, that is what caught his eye... the guitar player. Well, it is an adult band, but Parker said he would definitely be able to play up there, even at 14. So, I told him I would have to figure out who had to be spoken to, etc. Also, I felt sure we would have to join the church first.
JUST SO HAPPENS, (isn't that always the way), a good friend of mine from high school goes to church there. He had moved to Nashville to do his music thing there. But, just recently has moved back to our home town due to parental illnesses. Now, lo and behold, he is working at this church. Hmmmm.... I called him and told him I needed Parker in with someone who knew what was going on...
Also, saw another friend at this church from school (remember, we've been out 20 years) and this girl is also friends with the Nashville guy. I tell her about Parker and seeing Nashville... She says great...and so on...
Okay, so everyone says great... We go to a few lessons with Terry and then it peters out a bit... So, I am wondering maybe that wasn't the path I thought it would be..
But, then I see them at a ball game, My girl friend and she says... By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name to Danny, our youth minister, he is dynamic and he is incredible with the guitar... that is who Parker needs.
I see Terry a week later who says.. "By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name.... you get the picture..."
There were unseen angels working for my Parker for his future that we didn't even know about. And now Parker is playing his guitar with the band on Sundays. Just like that. The music director is fantastic and will push my 14 year old in the direction with the contacts he needs.
I was floored.
That leads me to one story that I am not sure I can make it through. We have friends that we grew up with, Gary and Stacy. College sweethearts. 3 kiddos. Had it all. Affluent neighborhood.
Everybody want to be them. Then one morning...it's all done... Stacy never made it to her destination....she was killed on the way. 36 years old. Yeah, that changed that world forever....
What do you do? What can you do? People were scrambling EVERYWHERE... Their house was packed. More food than you could even begin to eat. More errands being run for no reason because no one knew what they could do.... More e-mails being sent to just say something... Just anything....
But, the night before Stacy's funeral, life went on in the church. The kids had basketball practice like they usually do. This would be the same site as the funeral. So about half way through the practic, a husband and a wife that were good friends of Stacy's were there at the church putting out the chairs for the funeral. They were doing this all by themselves. There were to be over 1000 people there. And David and Ashleigh were there in their own quiet way doing this enormous task at 9pm on a Monday night, even though they had 3 children of their own. They found a way to have someone watch their children while they made sure that those chairs were placed properly for their friends funeral.
They spoke not a word while they did it. All I could do was sit in the back and weep while I watched them. For, it took me back to a time when I remembered feeling very, very alone. It was when my father died. I had so many times that I saw the people there, but I had no idea what those faces meant. And by watching David and Ashleigh put out the chairs, I now knew.
Everyone who came to me for my father had done something to be there. They had left work, or they had cooked. Or they had arranged babysitting. Or they had cried all the way. Or they had ordered flowers.
Or, maybe, just maybe, they had set out the chairs...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Everything's a story
Okay, put 20 more dollars in. Yeah, I put a penny in too. I have to be honest. I was more excited about that penny then I was about the 20 dollars. It is a little bit easy to go and get that 20 dollars out of my husbands wallet and put it in the cash stash, but finding those hidden pennies... not so easy.
The point of getting the money out of Tony's wallet is so that we do not spend it on unnecessary things. I am taking the money and putting it into an account little by little. And then when there is enough... well, to be honest.. I just don't know. I don't know if we will invest... I guess that is what we will do.
I don't know if we will open a franchise of some sort. Maybe..
One of my best friends that I grew up with now has 35 fast food restaurants. They started with just one when we were in high school. That is a thought as well. We live in a very fast growing city. Things are going up everywhere. They are talking about opening about 25 Dunkin Doughnuts in our area. Maybe we should jump on that bandwagon... I dunno.
It just doesn't feel right. Just because one of my best buds from school did it, does that mean that it is my road? Just doesn't feel right. And is that how you are suppose to live your life? I am just not so sure.
Would I want to get up every day at 3 AM to make doughnuts just for the dough? (God, that was terrible.. I am thinking of erasing it, but since I never, ever come up with any kind of pun, I'm going to leave it in..)
Either way.. back on point. I do know that I want to reach this goal. I do know that. I do know that I don't have to reach it tomorrow or next week. I do know that it is not about the money, it is about doing what it takes to become the type of person that makes that type of money.
And right now, I am in the middle of just learning a few life lessons that I have missed for 41 years. And how is it that you miss it? I guess because you are so busy living that you just miss the lessons in it all.
However, now that I am paying attention, it is making life so much more interesting. For example, right now, I am sitting here looking around the room. There are so many things sitting in this room that I pass everyday and pay very little attention to. Why is that? How is it that I have forgotten the meaning of each thing?
For example, right next to me here on my desk is a pen. Not just any pen, but the Majic Kingdom pen that my daughter bought last fall at Disney. How is it that I don't stop and smile each and every time I look at that pen like I am doing right now? Just thinking of her going on Space Mountain... geez, it was so fun. Her hair flying everywhere, me screaming like a small child.. so fun.
Next to that is the Ipod cord. Everytime I look at that I think of my son. My Parker, who constantly has that Ipod in his ears. BUT, the look on his face the day we gave him that Ipod. It was his birthday and weren't we good? We had really convinced him that there was no way that he was going to get it. Even though he HAD made straight A's. Even though he was everything we could want in a son. Yeah, that cord has some significance..
Next to the cord is a white sheet of paper. On that paper are some scribbled numbers. Just some numbers that my son Cole and his friends were writing on today while trying to figure out a puzzle while playing on the computer. They were so loud that I had to tell them to be quiet. But, for the most part, when I see his handwriting, doesn't it make me smile? Doesn't it remind me of how smart that kiddo is? How much he works during school and never has to be told to do his homework? And today, when I had to tell them to be quiet, it was only because they were laughing so much.. not so much of a crime there. Maybe I won't throw that paper away anytime soon. It might have a bit of significance to it.
Everything in my home has a story behind it. Everything. I want to experience my life to the fullest and know that I am going on this incredible journey for the right reasons. I want to look around me and remember what it is that I truly enjoy and that is what I want to build on.
I want to go where my heart leads me. I have never really understood what that means. I have heard it my whole life, but it always seemed like a lot of "pie in the sky" talk to me. But, I really do think there may be something to that. Those people might just know what they are talking about.
For some reason, I have been able to live in a time in history that has computers and automobiles and televisions. I live with not only running water, but bottled water that I am drinking at this very moment. But, more than that, I have finally, finally been given the gift of gratitude.
Somehow, I was never grateful for all of this. I just assumed that it was there for the taking. I never realized that all of this was, maybe, a gift. And we all know that the proper way to accept a gift is with a thank you.
So, now, each day is greeted with a thank you. Each surprise is greeted with a thank you. And there are so many surprises every day. There have always been those surprises, but I didn't notice them before. Now, I do notice, and because I do, more and more seem to be coming.
Therefore, I know, by what has been coming, that there will be such a better tomorrow. It makes me so excited to hear the phone ring, to hear the door bell, or to even hear my child call my name. Because with each one, that means that there must be something new.
When you know that the world is working in your favor, then there is no end to the possiblities. So, I think I might just have to pass on the Dunkin Doughnuts for now...
The point of getting the money out of Tony's wallet is so that we do not spend it on unnecessary things. I am taking the money and putting it into an account little by little. And then when there is enough... well, to be honest.. I just don't know. I don't know if we will invest... I guess that is what we will do.
I don't know if we will open a franchise of some sort. Maybe..
One of my best friends that I grew up with now has 35 fast food restaurants. They started with just one when we were in high school. That is a thought as well. We live in a very fast growing city. Things are going up everywhere. They are talking about opening about 25 Dunkin Doughnuts in our area. Maybe we should jump on that bandwagon... I dunno.
It just doesn't feel right. Just because one of my best buds from school did it, does that mean that it is my road? Just doesn't feel right. And is that how you are suppose to live your life? I am just not so sure.
Would I want to get up every day at 3 AM to make doughnuts just for the dough? (God, that was terrible.. I am thinking of erasing it, but since I never, ever come up with any kind of pun, I'm going to leave it in..)
Either way.. back on point. I do know that I want to reach this goal. I do know that. I do know that I don't have to reach it tomorrow or next week. I do know that it is not about the money, it is about doing what it takes to become the type of person that makes that type of money.
And right now, I am in the middle of just learning a few life lessons that I have missed for 41 years. And how is it that you miss it? I guess because you are so busy living that you just miss the lessons in it all.
However, now that I am paying attention, it is making life so much more interesting. For example, right now, I am sitting here looking around the room. There are so many things sitting in this room that I pass everyday and pay very little attention to. Why is that? How is it that I have forgotten the meaning of each thing?
For example, right next to me here on my desk is a pen. Not just any pen, but the Majic Kingdom pen that my daughter bought last fall at Disney. How is it that I don't stop and smile each and every time I look at that pen like I am doing right now? Just thinking of her going on Space Mountain... geez, it was so fun. Her hair flying everywhere, me screaming like a small child.. so fun.
Next to that is the Ipod cord. Everytime I look at that I think of my son. My Parker, who constantly has that Ipod in his ears. BUT, the look on his face the day we gave him that Ipod. It was his birthday and weren't we good? We had really convinced him that there was no way that he was going to get it. Even though he HAD made straight A's. Even though he was everything we could want in a son. Yeah, that cord has some significance..
Next to the cord is a white sheet of paper. On that paper are some scribbled numbers. Just some numbers that my son Cole and his friends were writing on today while trying to figure out a puzzle while playing on the computer. They were so loud that I had to tell them to be quiet. But, for the most part, when I see his handwriting, doesn't it make me smile? Doesn't it remind me of how smart that kiddo is? How much he works during school and never has to be told to do his homework? And today, when I had to tell them to be quiet, it was only because they were laughing so much.. not so much of a crime there. Maybe I won't throw that paper away anytime soon. It might have a bit of significance to it.
Everything in my home has a story behind it. Everything. I want to experience my life to the fullest and know that I am going on this incredible journey for the right reasons. I want to look around me and remember what it is that I truly enjoy and that is what I want to build on.
I want to go where my heart leads me. I have never really understood what that means. I have heard it my whole life, but it always seemed like a lot of "pie in the sky" talk to me. But, I really do think there may be something to that. Those people might just know what they are talking about.
For some reason, I have been able to live in a time in history that has computers and automobiles and televisions. I live with not only running water, but bottled water that I am drinking at this very moment. But, more than that, I have finally, finally been given the gift of gratitude.
Somehow, I was never grateful for all of this. I just assumed that it was there for the taking. I never realized that all of this was, maybe, a gift. And we all know that the proper way to accept a gift is with a thank you.
So, now, each day is greeted with a thank you. Each surprise is greeted with a thank you. And there are so many surprises every day. There have always been those surprises, but I didn't notice them before. Now, I do notice, and because I do, more and more seem to be coming.
Therefore, I know, by what has been coming, that there will be such a better tomorrow. It makes me so excited to hear the phone ring, to hear the door bell, or to even hear my child call my name. Because with each one, that means that there must be something new.
When you know that the world is working in your favor, then there is no end to the possiblities. So, I think I might just have to pass on the Dunkin Doughnuts for now...
Monday, June 16, 2008
The slogan
I put $20.00 more into the stash today. For anyone new to this, and I update the purpose everyonce and a while, I am inching my way to a million dollars. If you have read the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, you do know that the Tortoise eventually reaches the finish line.
You know what? I am feeling a little bit smart right now, because I just now, in this very moment thought of that analogy. And the thing is.. the reason stories like that are passed down and taught to children is because they are so true to life, and wow, and wow again, I just applied that to my own life and my own goal. I ROCK!
Since I started with zero dollars , every bit of money that I put in my stash is more money than I started with. I put a little in here and a little in there, and what I am seeing is that I can inch in more and more each day. That is a little more than I had the day before. What I had thought all my life is that every little bit DIDN'T count, but what I am seeing is that every little bit DOES count.
I write my checks at the grocery store for 10 to 20 dollars over and put that into the stash. Meanwhile, I spend less than half than I use to spend on groceries and eating out now. I AM SLASHING PRICES! Yeah, I should start my own ad campaign for myself.
Ah, I just found my niche. Once I reach a respectable number, I am going to sell myself out to teach others how to do it. BUT, I am going to need some good slogans... I just found my first one:
THE TURTLE IS SLASHING HER PRICES--DON'T WAIT OR YOU'LL BE TOO LATE!
Yeah, that was a bit weak... I know, stop throwing cans at me... Ouch! That one caught me upside the headbone!
To get a bit, jut a bit serious again, I have gotten a bit more basic and a bit more profound about it. I was walking down the street at a ballgame and noticed a quarter on the cement. It almost glowed so bright as if it was calling to me. So, I picked it up and went to put it in my pocket. But, then I didn't. I remembered a purse from a slave from "The Richest Man in Babylon",
A slave decided that he would determine that his purse would be his purse of savings. This purse would be where he saved his money only for himself. Once it went in, it could not leave. That money was for him and it was not to be touched. He started with one penny, And with that one penny , he proclaimed that he would fill his purse until it was overflowing. He had the upmost faith in this. It took a bit of time, but not so much.
One tenth of everything that he made went into the purse. Everything else went to creditors, the church, and to his home. But, the sacred purse was his. I now have one such purse.
And it is amazing the faith that I have in this purse. Not because I can touch and rub it like a lamp, it is the fact that I truly have faith that i will do what I need to do to fill it..
I have placed it somewhere so that I have to pass it daily and I give it a little rub and a big thank you. I am not thanking the purse, for the purse doesn't have the power. It is my faith that has the power. My faith that I will be able to fill that purse. It is unwaivering that I will be able to do what i need to do in those moments, whatever they may be.
But, what I need to do is be the best that I can be. It is not all completely about the money. It is sounding like that so far, and I know that.
Oh, one other thing, I had been looking for real money, dollar bill denominations. I had overlooked the money that jingles. No more. This week I have been as thankful as can be to see a penny, a nickel or a dime, or a quarter. They get a jiggle dance and song all the way back to the purse with all kinds of gratefulness.
How I missed that, I have no idea. I guess that was going to come sooner or later. I was a little too dense on the front end to catch that.
This one is looking like it is a lot about money, but it is more about the majic that has occured. How finding small things and being so unbelievably grateful for them. I used to never care about small things and now I almost kneel down at a penny and thank the universe for one, much less two.
It leads me into being thankful in all areas of my life. It is leading me to realize that there are other areas of my life that are also simple that I have not taken the time to be thankful for. I think I am a fairly decent person, but have I really said thanks (not in a corny way) to everyone that I should at everytime?
Maybe I should start. Now with drippy syrup or anything, but I do think that it is warranted in some way. If my mother buys my daughter a bathing suit while she takes her swimming, did I show enough gratitude, or did I just allow her to do it because she always does that type of thing. It is a small thing I know, but maybe it could be a really bigger and nicer thing if I just said "that was awfully nice of you to take care of my maggie today, she looks awfully cute there!" That would make my mother's day.
Just the little things I can find to be thankful for:
When my daughter brings her food to the sink...Yes, that is her job, but do I thank her for that?
When my 14 year old doesn't put down everyone in the room with an attitude for 5 minutes straight...Do I make a point of saying, "I'm glad you are down here with us."
When my youngest son shares his gum that belongs ONLY to him after being asked only 3 times... could I just say Thank you , instead of "Why did it take you so long?"
This journey, I swear, is teaching me so much.
Those were little things around the house that just cropped up, but they are everywhere....
At the drive through, for extra ketchup... thanks...
At the Movie theatre, for the lack of a hassle... Thank you...GOD THANK YOU
Anywhere that anyone goes out of their way in the slightest for me, I have to know that they did that just for me. They deserve at the least, very least, a smile. Then a thank you. I would love to be sure that I go that extra mile and say to them, "You made my day".
That truly does change people, really and truly. The next few people that come in contact with them will be treated so well. Then that will start a chain reaction that will last for many many hours. And it can reach 100's if not thousands of people. It is so powerful .
And really it can start with one person acknowledging another human being's genuine kindness.
I hope that i can remember that tomorrow when I get up in the morning and see my childrens' faces, for that is where ultimate kindness starts... with little bedheds...
You know what? I am feeling a little bit smart right now, because I just now, in this very moment thought of that analogy. And the thing is.. the reason stories like that are passed down and taught to children is because they are so true to life, and wow, and wow again, I just applied that to my own life and my own goal. I ROCK!
Since I started with zero dollars , every bit of money that I put in my stash is more money than I started with. I put a little in here and a little in there, and what I am seeing is that I can inch in more and more each day. That is a little more than I had the day before. What I had thought all my life is that every little bit DIDN'T count, but what I am seeing is that every little bit DOES count.
I write my checks at the grocery store for 10 to 20 dollars over and put that into the stash. Meanwhile, I spend less than half than I use to spend on groceries and eating out now. I AM SLASHING PRICES! Yeah, I should start my own ad campaign for myself.
Ah, I just found my niche. Once I reach a respectable number, I am going to sell myself out to teach others how to do it. BUT, I am going to need some good slogans... I just found my first one:
THE TURTLE IS SLASHING HER PRICES--DON'T WAIT OR YOU'LL BE TOO LATE!
Yeah, that was a bit weak... I know, stop throwing cans at me... Ouch! That one caught me upside the headbone!
To get a bit, jut a bit serious again, I have gotten a bit more basic and a bit more profound about it. I was walking down the street at a ballgame and noticed a quarter on the cement. It almost glowed so bright as if it was calling to me. So, I picked it up and went to put it in my pocket. But, then I didn't. I remembered a purse from a slave from "The Richest Man in Babylon",
A slave decided that he would determine that his purse would be his purse of savings. This purse would be where he saved his money only for himself. Once it went in, it could not leave. That money was for him and it was not to be touched. He started with one penny, And with that one penny , he proclaimed that he would fill his purse until it was overflowing. He had the upmost faith in this. It took a bit of time, but not so much.
One tenth of everything that he made went into the purse. Everything else went to creditors, the church, and to his home. But, the sacred purse was his. I now have one such purse.
And it is amazing the faith that I have in this purse. Not because I can touch and rub it like a lamp, it is the fact that I truly have faith that i will do what I need to do to fill it..
I have placed it somewhere so that I have to pass it daily and I give it a little rub and a big thank you. I am not thanking the purse, for the purse doesn't have the power. It is my faith that has the power. My faith that I will be able to fill that purse. It is unwaivering that I will be able to do what i need to do in those moments, whatever they may be.
But, what I need to do is be the best that I can be. It is not all completely about the money. It is sounding like that so far, and I know that.
Oh, one other thing, I had been looking for real money, dollar bill denominations. I had overlooked the money that jingles. No more. This week I have been as thankful as can be to see a penny, a nickel or a dime, or a quarter. They get a jiggle dance and song all the way back to the purse with all kinds of gratefulness.
How I missed that, I have no idea. I guess that was going to come sooner or later. I was a little too dense on the front end to catch that.
This one is looking like it is a lot about money, but it is more about the majic that has occured. How finding small things and being so unbelievably grateful for them. I used to never care about small things and now I almost kneel down at a penny and thank the universe for one, much less two.
It leads me into being thankful in all areas of my life. It is leading me to realize that there are other areas of my life that are also simple that I have not taken the time to be thankful for. I think I am a fairly decent person, but have I really said thanks (not in a corny way) to everyone that I should at everytime?
Maybe I should start. Now with drippy syrup or anything, but I do think that it is warranted in some way. If my mother buys my daughter a bathing suit while she takes her swimming, did I show enough gratitude, or did I just allow her to do it because she always does that type of thing. It is a small thing I know, but maybe it could be a really bigger and nicer thing if I just said "that was awfully nice of you to take care of my maggie today, she looks awfully cute there!" That would make my mother's day.
Just the little things I can find to be thankful for:
When my daughter brings her food to the sink...Yes, that is her job, but do I thank her for that?
When my 14 year old doesn't put down everyone in the room with an attitude for 5 minutes straight...Do I make a point of saying, "I'm glad you are down here with us."
When my youngest son shares his gum that belongs ONLY to him after being asked only 3 times... could I just say Thank you , instead of "Why did it take you so long?"
This journey, I swear, is teaching me so much.
Those were little things around the house that just cropped up, but they are everywhere....
At the drive through, for extra ketchup... thanks...
At the Movie theatre, for the lack of a hassle... Thank you...GOD THANK YOU
Anywhere that anyone goes out of their way in the slightest for me, I have to know that they did that just for me. They deserve at the least, very least, a smile. Then a thank you. I would love to be sure that I go that extra mile and say to them, "You made my day".
That truly does change people, really and truly. The next few people that come in contact with them will be treated so well. Then that will start a chain reaction that will last for many many hours. And it can reach 100's if not thousands of people. It is so powerful .
And really it can start with one person acknowledging another human being's genuine kindness.
I hope that i can remember that tomorrow when I get up in the morning and see my childrens' faces, for that is where ultimate kindness starts... with little bedheds...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Looking Back
So much today. So many observations. I have found that since I have been writing this blog that I notice things more and more. I guess that is a good thing. I have found myself more and more observant of my own actions which I know is a really good thing. I have really made myself more accountable for how I act and what I say.
I find myself thinking about how others act, and then turning it on myself and thinking, "Who are you to judge what they are doing? Haven't you walked down that road a time or two, Missy?" And then I have to blush all by myself and remember that I probably have in the not so distant past. It is embarrassing to realize that I am not perfect. It is embarrassing to realize that I don't have all the answers, even though I want to talk so much and appear like I do.
Today was a perfect example of that. I was at Kroger. This was after going to the DMV to get my driver's liscence updated. I could write at book just on my experience with the DMV. Now THAT is something that I just don't even begin to know how to get ahold of. I don't know where the misery of that organization began. The lack of seating. The miserable employees. The LACK of employees. The hour luch break that doesn't begin NOR end when they post it, so everyone had to wait outside in the heat while they took their lunch....
See, I am not sure where to begin or end on the DMV. In my head I am wanting to keep going on it. But, there are so many emotions and thoughts swirling around about it, that it gets me riled up just thinking about it. And the thing is... I have my driver's liscence now, so does it really matter? It is done... the moment is over and I don't personally have to deal with it anymore. I can sit here and type about how awful the experience was, but is that going to help my life in ANY way? Is it going to help me reach this goal? I'm thinking not... But, wow, it IS hard to move away from the subject... But... I will...I think... Yes, I will....
Okay, on to Kroger, (still thinking of the DMV--it was rough), back in Kroger, I was shopping in the french fries, deciding between crinkle or seasoned and my mind was clearly focused on that. Nothing but that, when all of sudden, I heard "SIT DOWN!".
I looked down the aisle and saw a young woman, long blond hair pulled up in a pony tail. It looked like it had not been washed in a few days. No make up, shirt half tucked in, tennis shoes tied half way.
In the front of the shopping cart was a little girl who was probably a year old. She was squirming to get out of the basket. She was surrounded by one of those new quilted blankets that are fitted to the front of shopping baskets for babies. Next to the basket was a young boy who was around 4 years old who was looking up his mother and holding on to the basket.
"LET GO OF THE BASKET!" And about that time she caught my eye and just dared me to say something to her. She knew that she was being ridiculously over the top. She had to know. She was being so loud and so obnoxious. All I could think in the moment was "How dare you?"
But, then, I thought again. She had taken the time to put her baby in a quilted blanket in the front of the basket. What had transpired before I came down the aisle? Had she told her son several times to do something and he had not? Had I just walked into a single moment and missed something?
I started remembering being with my children when they were little at the grocery store. I remember what a trying time that was. For whatever reason, that is hard, hard thing to do. For anyone that has never done that, it should be a requirement. For those of you who have, you know exactly what I am talking about.
I am not complaining because I was blessed to be able to stay home with my children when they were little. But, at the time, in the moment, I couldn't see it. In the moment, with a basketful of groceries and three small children in a grocery store, I felt the stress. I felt the stares.
I do not remember ever yelling at my children. But, I do remember being unbelievably frustrated with the three people that I loved more than life. And over what? Putting their hands on boxes of organized cereal? I can look back at it now and see the light. I can look at it now and know that it was all situational.
Just like right now when my 14 year old wants to talk on the phone until the wee hours to his friends... will that really be such a big deal in 10 years? Probably not....
When my 9 year old wants to stay up and watch a movie until 2 AM with his big brother... won't I be glad that they had that time together in 10 years? Absolutely....
And my 7 year old... that peanut butter she just got in her hair last night...won't that be a hilarious story, versus such the stressful time it could have been had I not remembered what 10 years down the road will feel like.... I got lucky on that one.
I felt sorry for the lady in Kroger today. I wanted to feel sorry for her children too. But, when her kids go to bed tonight, I bet she hugs them. I bet that she will tuck them in and kiss them. I bet in the morning she will feed them the Lucky Charms that I saw in her basket when I saw her putting them in her car when I saw her leaving.
Some things we see that don't want to see. But today I saw something that I should have seen. It reminded me to be on the lookout for a better part of myself, even in those stressful times. And can't they all be stressful if we let them? But, really, what's the point...
I find myself thinking about how others act, and then turning it on myself and thinking, "Who are you to judge what they are doing? Haven't you walked down that road a time or two, Missy?" And then I have to blush all by myself and remember that I probably have in the not so distant past. It is embarrassing to realize that I am not perfect. It is embarrassing to realize that I don't have all the answers, even though I want to talk so much and appear like I do.
Today was a perfect example of that. I was at Kroger. This was after going to the DMV to get my driver's liscence updated. I could write at book just on my experience with the DMV. Now THAT is something that I just don't even begin to know how to get ahold of. I don't know where the misery of that organization began. The lack of seating. The miserable employees. The LACK of employees. The hour luch break that doesn't begin NOR end when they post it, so everyone had to wait outside in the heat while they took their lunch....
See, I am not sure where to begin or end on the DMV. In my head I am wanting to keep going on it. But, there are so many emotions and thoughts swirling around about it, that it gets me riled up just thinking about it. And the thing is... I have my driver's liscence now, so does it really matter? It is done... the moment is over and I don't personally have to deal with it anymore. I can sit here and type about how awful the experience was, but is that going to help my life in ANY way? Is it going to help me reach this goal? I'm thinking not... But, wow, it IS hard to move away from the subject... But... I will...I think... Yes, I will....
Okay, on to Kroger, (still thinking of the DMV--it was rough), back in Kroger, I was shopping in the french fries, deciding between crinkle or seasoned and my mind was clearly focused on that. Nothing but that, when all of sudden, I heard "SIT DOWN!".
I looked down the aisle and saw a young woman, long blond hair pulled up in a pony tail. It looked like it had not been washed in a few days. No make up, shirt half tucked in, tennis shoes tied half way.
In the front of the shopping cart was a little girl who was probably a year old. She was squirming to get out of the basket. She was surrounded by one of those new quilted blankets that are fitted to the front of shopping baskets for babies. Next to the basket was a young boy who was around 4 years old who was looking up his mother and holding on to the basket.
"LET GO OF THE BASKET!" And about that time she caught my eye and just dared me to say something to her. She knew that she was being ridiculously over the top. She had to know. She was being so loud and so obnoxious. All I could think in the moment was "How dare you?"
But, then, I thought again. She had taken the time to put her baby in a quilted blanket in the front of the basket. What had transpired before I came down the aisle? Had she told her son several times to do something and he had not? Had I just walked into a single moment and missed something?
I started remembering being with my children when they were little at the grocery store. I remember what a trying time that was. For whatever reason, that is hard, hard thing to do. For anyone that has never done that, it should be a requirement. For those of you who have, you know exactly what I am talking about.
I am not complaining because I was blessed to be able to stay home with my children when they were little. But, at the time, in the moment, I couldn't see it. In the moment, with a basketful of groceries and three small children in a grocery store, I felt the stress. I felt the stares.
I do not remember ever yelling at my children. But, I do remember being unbelievably frustrated with the three people that I loved more than life. And over what? Putting their hands on boxes of organized cereal? I can look back at it now and see the light. I can look at it now and know that it was all situational.
Just like right now when my 14 year old wants to talk on the phone until the wee hours to his friends... will that really be such a big deal in 10 years? Probably not....
When my 9 year old wants to stay up and watch a movie until 2 AM with his big brother... won't I be glad that they had that time together in 10 years? Absolutely....
And my 7 year old... that peanut butter she just got in her hair last night...won't that be a hilarious story, versus such the stressful time it could have been had I not remembered what 10 years down the road will feel like.... I got lucky on that one.
I felt sorry for the lady in Kroger today. I wanted to feel sorry for her children too. But, when her kids go to bed tonight, I bet she hugs them. I bet that she will tuck them in and kiss them. I bet in the morning she will feed them the Lucky Charms that I saw in her basket when I saw her putting them in her car when I saw her leaving.
Some things we see that don't want to see. But today I saw something that I should have seen. It reminded me to be on the lookout for a better part of myself, even in those stressful times. And can't they all be stressful if we let them? But, really, what's the point...
Thursday, June 12, 2008
First Kiss
Put one more dollar in. Yeah, I know it's one more dollar in. I know, I know... But, on the other hand... I know... It's one more dollar in. I lost sight of my goal like I said a couple of posts back. I was moaning and a-groaning about my current state so much that I just lost my way there for a bit. I didn't lose faith. Just lost my goal for a minute or two in time,but you know what, since time is an illusion anyway... does it really matter? For my purpose right now, I will go ahead and say "No, it doesn't really matter right now".
I know like I know like I know that it's coming. I will tell you today how I know that things are turning around in my life. Shall I tell a fable? NO? Shall I tell a moralistic tale? No, you say? Hmmm... a bedtime story? Well, you don't have to scream at me, I got it. You don't want to hear that either...
O.k. O.k. O.k... You want those unbelievably interesting tales of my homelife. Gosh, I know how so very exciting they are. I do, I do. So, I guess I will share what happened when that husband of mine came home from work today!
For those of you that have been following along in your workbooks, turn to page, um, 14. (Does that sound right?) For anyone else, you can just follow along right about here.
What you need to know is that our little family is in a bit of a financial crunch. And when I say crunch, I mean a "how-you-say" floor stomping beating. We are in deep "cocci". Well, I have no big issues with this, for it is only money to me and I have absolute faith that we will survive this and overcome it.
My husband on the other hand, who has gotten us into this sweet spot is not feeling quite as optomistic. He has been as down as a man can get without actually turning into a worm and slithering around on the ground. It has been hard to watch. I have been trying with all I can to encourage him and I have been "behind the scenes" with my faith in it. Because I believe in this man with all that am. He knows this, but he has to feel it within his own skin.
Well, earlier this week, he actually did get upright for a few hours and move around a little bit. Going to work and the like. Then he got up consecutively. That was a major milestone for someone in his position. But, then today, he came in and his face had a new light in it. A light that shone a little brighter. A light that was shining like he might have new information.
He came into the bathroom where I was getting ready and plopped his good-looking self up onto the counter. Then he began talking to me. To me. To my face. Like a friend would.
You have to understand here that he hasn't done this in so very long. He has been stressed out forever. He doesn't talk to me when he is stressed out because his rational is that he doesn't want me stressed out too. Seems backwards to me sense we are married. But, that is how he was brought up, so now the cycle is continuing. I have tried to break that cycle for the 16 years we have been married to no avail-- until now....
OK, so this is how he started... "Kayce, I went and talked to someone today."
Me--"You did, who?"
Tony--"Brian"
(Brain is a lawyer in our town who is also one of the best Christian men that Tony knows. Even if you take out the religious aspects of Brain, he is just a super overall great man. Tony admires him more than anyone on the planet. Tony lost his father a few years ago, so during this trying time, Tony has had no male figure to confide in.)
Me--"So, you went to Brian's office. How much courage did that take?"
Tony--"I almost didn't go. I circled his office three times before I pulled in"
(I was having to dab my eyes because I knew that my strong prideful husband was really probably having so many issues going through his mind to have to make himself go and put it all out there to someone he admired so much)
Me--"But, you did finally go in"
Tony--"Well, I decided that since there was just "something" telling me that I should go, then I might as well just do it"
Me--"Was he there?"
Tony--"Not only was he there, but he met me at the door and said "Tony Neal, I can't believe it is you, because just yesterday while I was mowing my lawn, I was praying for you"
Well, at that point in my bathroom, I literally broke down into tears, just as I am now. I mean you cannot even make something like that up.
This strong broken man of man was being prayed for unknowingly by someone who he admired more than anyone in the world at the very time that he was wanting to be with him. Now, COME ONE, please refute that. Please, please, try to tell me that was coincidence... I BEG OF YOU!
Tony said that Brian, the busy lawyer, dropped everything that he was doing for over an hour and sat with Tony. Tony told Brian everything. From the debt to his "habit", which I guess I can go ahead now and lay it out there, is gambling, to his worries about bankruptcy.
Brian eased his mind so much. He told him the same things that I had been telling him. Have faith. Brain believes in him just as I do. OK, so you messed up. Now, it is time to fix it. It is time to go to work and fix the problem. Stop focusing on the debt and focus on the solution.
How to do that, Tony wonders. "You are already doing it". Brain assured him of that. "You are already coming to a safe place where you know you are loved and admired. For Tony to hear a man that he admired tell him that he was admired, well, ohmylanta....
My husband may be getting "it". When he came home I told him that hitting rock bottom can be the best thing that can happen to a person because you can't go much farther down. And coming up feels so good.
Now, he is thinking that since he got it off his chest once, he is thinking about using his story as inspiration for others. But, he is a bit scared of what others will think. I told him that he has so many people who love him. And that out of 100 people that he may tell, there will be fewer than 5% that may, and that is a may, scoff him. The other 95% will love and support us through this.
And that will be when the success will return. And then we will be in a position to begin helping others because we will see how others have helped us. This was such a rewarding experience for both of us.
Then the icing on the cake occured. Yeah, I know, Tony got to feel good, I know he did. But, when did I? You know I gots to get mine...
When it was all said and done, he got down from the counter and came over to me, and took my face softly in his hands and kissed me. Not like a 16 year old married couple. But, like a couple who had just met at a bar kiss. You know that passionate first kiss....
What can I say, this man takes my breath away... I am quite lucky this way....
I know like I know like I know that it's coming. I will tell you today how I know that things are turning around in my life. Shall I tell a fable? NO? Shall I tell a moralistic tale? No, you say? Hmmm... a bedtime story? Well, you don't have to scream at me, I got it. You don't want to hear that either...
O.k. O.k. O.k... You want those unbelievably interesting tales of my homelife. Gosh, I know how so very exciting they are. I do, I do. So, I guess I will share what happened when that husband of mine came home from work today!
For those of you that have been following along in your workbooks, turn to page, um, 14. (Does that sound right?) For anyone else, you can just follow along right about here.
What you need to know is that our little family is in a bit of a financial crunch. And when I say crunch, I mean a "how-you-say" floor stomping beating. We are in deep "cocci". Well, I have no big issues with this, for it is only money to me and I have absolute faith that we will survive this and overcome it.
My husband on the other hand, who has gotten us into this sweet spot is not feeling quite as optomistic. He has been as down as a man can get without actually turning into a worm and slithering around on the ground. It has been hard to watch. I have been trying with all I can to encourage him and I have been "behind the scenes" with my faith in it. Because I believe in this man with all that am. He knows this, but he has to feel it within his own skin.
Well, earlier this week, he actually did get upright for a few hours and move around a little bit. Going to work and the like. Then he got up consecutively. That was a major milestone for someone in his position. But, then today, he came in and his face had a new light in it. A light that shone a little brighter. A light that was shining like he might have new information.
He came into the bathroom where I was getting ready and plopped his good-looking self up onto the counter. Then he began talking to me. To me. To my face. Like a friend would.
You have to understand here that he hasn't done this in so very long. He has been stressed out forever. He doesn't talk to me when he is stressed out because his rational is that he doesn't want me stressed out too. Seems backwards to me sense we are married. But, that is how he was brought up, so now the cycle is continuing. I have tried to break that cycle for the 16 years we have been married to no avail-- until now....
OK, so this is how he started... "Kayce, I went and talked to someone today."
Me--"You did, who?"
Tony--"Brian"
(Brain is a lawyer in our town who is also one of the best Christian men that Tony knows. Even if you take out the religious aspects of Brain, he is just a super overall great man. Tony admires him more than anyone on the planet. Tony lost his father a few years ago, so during this trying time, Tony has had no male figure to confide in.)
Me--"So, you went to Brian's office. How much courage did that take?"
Tony--"I almost didn't go. I circled his office three times before I pulled in"
(I was having to dab my eyes because I knew that my strong prideful husband was really probably having so many issues going through his mind to have to make himself go and put it all out there to someone he admired so much)
Me--"But, you did finally go in"
Tony--"Well, I decided that since there was just "something" telling me that I should go, then I might as well just do it"
Me--"Was he there?"
Tony--"Not only was he there, but he met me at the door and said "Tony Neal, I can't believe it is you, because just yesterday while I was mowing my lawn, I was praying for you"
Well, at that point in my bathroom, I literally broke down into tears, just as I am now. I mean you cannot even make something like that up.
This strong broken man of man was being prayed for unknowingly by someone who he admired more than anyone in the world at the very time that he was wanting to be with him. Now, COME ONE, please refute that. Please, please, try to tell me that was coincidence... I BEG OF YOU!
Tony said that Brian, the busy lawyer, dropped everything that he was doing for over an hour and sat with Tony. Tony told Brian everything. From the debt to his "habit", which I guess I can go ahead now and lay it out there, is gambling, to his worries about bankruptcy.
Brian eased his mind so much. He told him the same things that I had been telling him. Have faith. Brain believes in him just as I do. OK, so you messed up. Now, it is time to fix it. It is time to go to work and fix the problem. Stop focusing on the debt and focus on the solution.
How to do that, Tony wonders. "You are already doing it". Brain assured him of that. "You are already coming to a safe place where you know you are loved and admired. For Tony to hear a man that he admired tell him that he was admired, well, ohmylanta....
My husband may be getting "it". When he came home I told him that hitting rock bottom can be the best thing that can happen to a person because you can't go much farther down. And coming up feels so good.
Now, he is thinking that since he got it off his chest once, he is thinking about using his story as inspiration for others. But, he is a bit scared of what others will think. I told him that he has so many people who love him. And that out of 100 people that he may tell, there will be fewer than 5% that may, and that is a may, scoff him. The other 95% will love and support us through this.
And that will be when the success will return. And then we will be in a position to begin helping others because we will see how others have helped us. This was such a rewarding experience for both of us.
Then the icing on the cake occured. Yeah, I know, Tony got to feel good, I know he did. But, when did I? You know I gots to get mine...
When it was all said and done, he got down from the counter and came over to me, and took my face softly in his hands and kissed me. Not like a 16 year old married couple. But, like a couple who had just met at a bar kiss. You know that passionate first kiss....
What can I say, this man takes my breath away... I am quite lucky this way....
A final peace..
With each new post that I write, it seems that I have more and more to say. And the thing is... the thing is, I really didn't know that I had that much to say. No, I take that back. Since I was a small child, I have known that I had a world to say. Ask anyone who has known me, I have always had a world to say. So much so, that they have asked me to walk away sometimes. I even remember people falling asleep on the phone.
One of those people who fell asleep on the phone was my cousin, Debbie. She was that fun cousin. That one who you did everything with. That one who stayed up all night with. That one who you jumped on the trampoline with until you got sick. That one who you played games with and cheated and she didn't even care....
She and I went to church camp together. She and I went to church camp together and then snuck out so that we could go and meet boys and make out. (Yeah, she was that cousin...) So great. She was there when I did everything wrong. And I do mean everything. And she was right there with me cheering me on and having a great time.
But, she was also there with me when I gave myself to God, and she was cheering me on and having a great time. She held my hand through it all and told me I was doing the right thing then, too. She cried with me through it.
She was there with me when my father died. She stayed with me for the months and months afterwards when it was so hard to accept it. She never asked me why I didn't grieve the same way that everyone else did. She didn't ask me why I didn't cry all the time, even though she knew how much I loved my father, and even though she cried over him when I wasn't looking.
She was there with me when I got married. She stood up there with me and cheered me on, because she knew how happy I was. She knew how much I loved this new man I had found, even though I knew inside she was crying for she had lost one of her best friends. She knew that our relationship would never be the same. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I would be the same. I thought that I would still be there for her. I thought that I would still be able to devote the same amount of time to her that I had before.
But, I was wrong. With marraige, came children. And with children, came responsiblities and my time went to them. My time with Debbie over the next 15 years was few and far between and her life took on new path. She met different people and led a different life. She began drinking along the way somewhere and much more than I ever knew.
But, somehow, someway, surely I knew. How did I miss that? How and where along the way did I miss that? She was in and out of the hospital so many times in the past 15 years that she became a completely different person. That happy-go-lucky young girl that I knew was now a much older sad person who did not want to live anymore.
I know that it was not because of me. I know that her life did not revolve around me. I was not her entire life in our younger years. I was not her entire life in our twenties or thirties either. But, something, somewhere, along the way, seems like it could have all been prevented.
As I sat in the ICU room the day of her death, I sat there and wondered all of those things. What one thing and on what one day could I have said something to her to prevent this very moment from happening? As I sat there knowing that I would be with her while she died at age 36, from liver poisoning, what could have been done to prevent this wonderful human being from doing this to herself. Who, if not me, could have intervened to help her?
OR, what if she came her for a reason? What if that is what it is? What if we come here for a purpose? What if her wonderful life and the wonderful memories that she gave me and the wonderful lessons that she taught me will passed down?
Once the ventilator was turned off, it took only a few minutes for Debbie to take her final breaths, and with her final breath, her face took on that look of peace saved only for those who see heaven. I recognized it and I was so humbled and so thankful to be in that moment with her. In that very instance, a million memories flooded me, and I couldn't even cry.
It let me know for certain that life just cannot end there. It just can not. The sense of peace was too overwhelming. The sense of her presence filled the room and fills me now even...
One of those people who fell asleep on the phone was my cousin, Debbie. She was that fun cousin. That one who you did everything with. That one who stayed up all night with. That one who you jumped on the trampoline with until you got sick. That one who you played games with and cheated and she didn't even care....
She and I went to church camp together. She and I went to church camp together and then snuck out so that we could go and meet boys and make out. (Yeah, she was that cousin...) So great. She was there when I did everything wrong. And I do mean everything. And she was right there with me cheering me on and having a great time.
But, she was also there with me when I gave myself to God, and she was cheering me on and having a great time. She held my hand through it all and told me I was doing the right thing then, too. She cried with me through it.
She was there with me when my father died. She stayed with me for the months and months afterwards when it was so hard to accept it. She never asked me why I didn't grieve the same way that everyone else did. She didn't ask me why I didn't cry all the time, even though she knew how much I loved my father, and even though she cried over him when I wasn't looking.
She was there with me when I got married. She stood up there with me and cheered me on, because she knew how happy I was. She knew how much I loved this new man I had found, even though I knew inside she was crying for she had lost one of her best friends. She knew that our relationship would never be the same. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I would be the same. I thought that I would still be there for her. I thought that I would still be able to devote the same amount of time to her that I had before.
But, I was wrong. With marraige, came children. And with children, came responsiblities and my time went to them. My time with Debbie over the next 15 years was few and far between and her life took on new path. She met different people and led a different life. She began drinking along the way somewhere and much more than I ever knew.
But, somehow, someway, surely I knew. How did I miss that? How and where along the way did I miss that? She was in and out of the hospital so many times in the past 15 years that she became a completely different person. That happy-go-lucky young girl that I knew was now a much older sad person who did not want to live anymore.
I know that it was not because of me. I know that her life did not revolve around me. I was not her entire life in our younger years. I was not her entire life in our twenties or thirties either. But, something, somewhere, along the way, seems like it could have all been prevented.
As I sat in the ICU room the day of her death, I sat there and wondered all of those things. What one thing and on what one day could I have said something to her to prevent this very moment from happening? As I sat there knowing that I would be with her while she died at age 36, from liver poisoning, what could have been done to prevent this wonderful human being from doing this to herself. Who, if not me, could have intervened to help her?
OR, what if she came her for a reason? What if that is what it is? What if we come here for a purpose? What if her wonderful life and the wonderful memories that she gave me and the wonderful lessons that she taught me will passed down?
Once the ventilator was turned off, it took only a few minutes for Debbie to take her final breaths, and with her final breath, her face took on that look of peace saved only for those who see heaven. I recognized it and I was so humbled and so thankful to be in that moment with her. In that very instance, a million memories flooded me, and I couldn't even cry.
It let me know for certain that life just cannot end there. It just can not. The sense of peace was too overwhelming. The sense of her presence filled the room and fills me now even...
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Please LISTEN...
I put 5 dollars in today toward the big goal. What is interesting about that, is that I haven't really put in any money in a few days. I lost site of putting money in for a while. I lost site of it. You know why..... I do, I do... I was Complaining. I was so focused on the debt that I really wasn't focused on the goal.
So, there. I am going to have to get myself refocused again. And I think I am beginning to focus too much on how I am going to achieve this. And the absolute truth of the matter is that I have no idea how. I do beleve that each of us are part of a dynamic system. And that each of us has a dynamic gift. I do believe that I have a gift that I can offer. I am waiting to remember what mine is. I am waiting to see what my destiny is.
But, here is what I also know. It is not going to walk up to my door and hand me an envelope and say, with a cute Elvis Costume on "Here, Lil' Momma, Here's your destiny. God sent me Special Delivery, jus' for you...." And then I get to watch him gyrate back into the heavens. Whereas I don't really think that is true, I do have to admit that I wouldn't doubt that completely either.
I am so open-minded these days, that I would believe anything. I am not being competely sarcastic in that statement.
What I really do know that it is not necessary for me to just sit and wait on my destiny or for my gift to appear. I know that I must do all that I can with where I am and with who I am with every moment. I must act accordingly every moment with success in mind each moment. And sometimes that is so hard to do.
A great example was given to me last night. It was so small that I almost missed it. My young son, who is nine came in from playing with the neighborhood kids. He walked past my husband and I, who were sitting in our den. Cole, our son, said not a word, but went into the hearth room and starting watching TV. I asked what was the matter. He yelled back to us, "I Quit!" I told him to come in the room with us...
When he did he told us that he didn't like the way that they were playing and that he just said that he quit. Well, his father jumped on him about it saying, "You are going to have to stop acting like such a baby. All the kids in the neighborhood say that you act like that and they are not going to want to play with you."
At that statement from his father, Cole's face changed dramactically from mad to instantly sad and white, and I could tell that a nerve had been struck. You know the one that is struck when someone has really hurt your feelings and your are not sure why. I also knew that my husband has just gone too far.
I knew that this was not true. I knew that my husband was listening to something that one parent had sad about my son and it was quite biased. I could understand that parent's point of view as well, but it certainly wasn't the sentiment of the entire neighborhood, for Cole had so many visitors every day to our house. And now, he had just been made to think that they all did not like to play with him because his father, his hero, had just told him so.
Well, after his father told him that, Cole left the room and went to his bed and got under the covers and cried. I went to him and asked him if he was alright. He said nothing. I asked again. He said nothing. One more time and this time, he said quietly, "Nobody will listen to me." I said, "I will listen."
He said, "The reason I quit was because I wanted to be the receiver in the football game and I told them that. They said that I could. Then someone else's dad was throwing the ball. He wouldn't throw it to me. Then, one of the other kids said, 'Cole, we really don't need you anyway'... So, I just sat down on the curb. They weren't paying any attention to me. So, I quit"
Now, that made sense. If my husband and I had gotten the whole story instead of just making him feel small on the front end, his feelings could have been spared...but instead...a small child was made to feel weak at the hand of his parents...
How many times does that happen over such insignificant instances. And how many times can they be avoided. I was so glad that Cole had the nerve to speak up to me and say "You didn't listen". I don't think that we as parents have the right to make our kids do everything that we say just because we say so. We don't know everything. We should make our decisions after knowing all the facts.
The night ended with my son curled up in his father's lap crying and his father stroking his hair. Yeah, that same father, my TONY, who is being this man that I hardly know. He is wonderful and awesome. Better than before.
This is not to say that Cole did get off the hook completely. He was told how important it is to stick with a game once started, but he was able to give his entire side of the story like a human being, not like a child who is scared to talk to a parent .
To continue the story a bit, I went to the store today and there was an elderly man just standing there holding a basket of groceries. Just standing there. It is 95 degrees outside the store. And when I walked passed him, he caught my eye. He wouldn't let me look away.. You know the look? So, I said hello... And he said...." You think it will snow?"
HUH? What was that? I almost walked away... but I didn't.. You know why. Because my son had taught me a lesson the night before... to listen. People have something to say. (I am telling the truth, that is why I stayed)
"You think it will snow?" he said it again.
I said, "Why do you say that?"
He said, "Because I saw it snow this time of year in 1945"
I said, "Really, where"
He said, "The Artic Circle-- I was in the Army--it was 33 degrees below 0
I said, " I am fascinated"
He said, "It was so cold that we couldn't even turn the engines off or take clothes off because we would freeze to death or the planes would freeze up."
I said, "That is one of the most interesting stories that I have heard in a long time"
He said, "Imagine living it. And you kow what, most people won't take the time to listen, or they think I am crazy when I start taking about it."
I said, "I don't think you are crazy. I think you a hero. And I think I am blessed to have met you today. Would you be too embarrassed to give me a hug right here in Kroger?"
And that he did. And it made my day.
All that happened because I screwed up listening to my son. What great lessons our children have for us. Everyone wants to be listened to. I know that I do. It is so frustrating to be trying to get your point across, isn't it? I have tried to make a resolution to let other people talk more than I do and ask as many questions of them when they are done talking to be sure that I understand what it is that they are trying to tell me.
I'll never forget the man on Aisle 7 in Kroger who almost froze in the Artic Circle... what a hero...
So, there. I am going to have to get myself refocused again. And I think I am beginning to focus too much on how I am going to achieve this. And the absolute truth of the matter is that I have no idea how. I do beleve that each of us are part of a dynamic system. And that each of us has a dynamic gift. I do believe that I have a gift that I can offer. I am waiting to remember what mine is. I am waiting to see what my destiny is.
But, here is what I also know. It is not going to walk up to my door and hand me an envelope and say, with a cute Elvis Costume on "Here, Lil' Momma, Here's your destiny. God sent me Special Delivery, jus' for you...." And then I get to watch him gyrate back into the heavens. Whereas I don't really think that is true, I do have to admit that I wouldn't doubt that completely either.
I am so open-minded these days, that I would believe anything. I am not being competely sarcastic in that statement.
What I really do know that it is not necessary for me to just sit and wait on my destiny or for my gift to appear. I know that I must do all that I can with where I am and with who I am with every moment. I must act accordingly every moment with success in mind each moment. And sometimes that is so hard to do.
A great example was given to me last night. It was so small that I almost missed it. My young son, who is nine came in from playing with the neighborhood kids. He walked past my husband and I, who were sitting in our den. Cole, our son, said not a word, but went into the hearth room and starting watching TV. I asked what was the matter. He yelled back to us, "I Quit!" I told him to come in the room with us...
When he did he told us that he didn't like the way that they were playing and that he just said that he quit. Well, his father jumped on him about it saying, "You are going to have to stop acting like such a baby. All the kids in the neighborhood say that you act like that and they are not going to want to play with you."
At that statement from his father, Cole's face changed dramactically from mad to instantly sad and white, and I could tell that a nerve had been struck. You know the one that is struck when someone has really hurt your feelings and your are not sure why. I also knew that my husband has just gone too far.
I knew that this was not true. I knew that my husband was listening to something that one parent had sad about my son and it was quite biased. I could understand that parent's point of view as well, but it certainly wasn't the sentiment of the entire neighborhood, for Cole had so many visitors every day to our house. And now, he had just been made to think that they all did not like to play with him because his father, his hero, had just told him so.
Well, after his father told him that, Cole left the room and went to his bed and got under the covers and cried. I went to him and asked him if he was alright. He said nothing. I asked again. He said nothing. One more time and this time, he said quietly, "Nobody will listen to me." I said, "I will listen."
He said, "The reason I quit was because I wanted to be the receiver in the football game and I told them that. They said that I could. Then someone else's dad was throwing the ball. He wouldn't throw it to me. Then, one of the other kids said, 'Cole, we really don't need you anyway'... So, I just sat down on the curb. They weren't paying any attention to me. So, I quit"
Now, that made sense. If my husband and I had gotten the whole story instead of just making him feel small on the front end, his feelings could have been spared...but instead...a small child was made to feel weak at the hand of his parents...
How many times does that happen over such insignificant instances. And how many times can they be avoided. I was so glad that Cole had the nerve to speak up to me and say "You didn't listen". I don't think that we as parents have the right to make our kids do everything that we say just because we say so. We don't know everything. We should make our decisions after knowing all the facts.
The night ended with my son curled up in his father's lap crying and his father stroking his hair. Yeah, that same father, my TONY, who is being this man that I hardly know. He is wonderful and awesome. Better than before.
This is not to say that Cole did get off the hook completely. He was told how important it is to stick with a game once started, but he was able to give his entire side of the story like a human being, not like a child who is scared to talk to a parent .
To continue the story a bit, I went to the store today and there was an elderly man just standing there holding a basket of groceries. Just standing there. It is 95 degrees outside the store. And when I walked passed him, he caught my eye. He wouldn't let me look away.. You know the look? So, I said hello... And he said...." You think it will snow?"
HUH? What was that? I almost walked away... but I didn't.. You know why. Because my son had taught me a lesson the night before... to listen. People have something to say. (I am telling the truth, that is why I stayed)
"You think it will snow?" he said it again.
I said, "Why do you say that?"
He said, "Because I saw it snow this time of year in 1945"
I said, "Really, where"
He said, "The Artic Circle-- I was in the Army--it was 33 degrees below 0
I said, " I am fascinated"
He said, "It was so cold that we couldn't even turn the engines off or take clothes off because we would freeze to death or the planes would freeze up."
I said, "That is one of the most interesting stories that I have heard in a long time"
He said, "Imagine living it. And you kow what, most people won't take the time to listen, or they think I am crazy when I start taking about it."
I said, "I don't think you are crazy. I think you a hero. And I think I am blessed to have met you today. Would you be too embarrassed to give me a hug right here in Kroger?"
And that he did. And it made my day.
All that happened because I screwed up listening to my son. What great lessons our children have for us. Everyone wants to be listened to. I know that I do. It is so frustrating to be trying to get your point across, isn't it? I have tried to make a resolution to let other people talk more than I do and ask as many questions of them when they are done talking to be sure that I understand what it is that they are trying to tell me.
I'll never forget the man on Aisle 7 in Kroger who almost froze in the Artic Circle... what a hero...
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