Present Day Living...

Wishing that I wrote everyday. Would love to use the excuse that I don't have time, but that isn't the case. There is always time. It is a matter of carving out the time. For example, I always use the excuse that I don't have time to exercise. But, I surely find time to shove in calories. Or I make time to drive to McDonald's, right?

I bought some tapes, some Turbo Jam tapes. They are going to change my life. They are the step that I am going to take. The baby step that I am going to take to change things around. I have to doing something to move things in the right direction. I have to take charge of my life, and right now I don't know how to do it. So, I was up at two in the morning having one the million anxiety attacks that I frequently endure these days, and the infomercial came on for this Turbo Jam.

I didn't order it right away. I just sat there with the cookie dough and watched all those 20 years olds do their crunches and kicks and punches. I thought, like I always do, that since I am 42 years old that there was no reason for me to even entertain the thought of an exercise program. I am past my prime, so there is no reason for me to go in that direction.

But, then, after I ate half the log of cookie dough and went to bed, my stomach started to hurt. That cookie dough didn't feel as good an hour later. It wasn't as satisfying as it should have been. I just kept thinking about all the nonsense that is going on in my life. That seems to be all that I do these days is think about it. It's all I know to do.

I have never really been a thinker, so much as a doer. I am so caught up in thinking about what is going on that I am not sure how to react to it all. I keep thinking of the "what ifs" that I can't even seem to stand on the ground that is beneath me. I am getting really good at sitting on the comfy recliner beneath me, or curling up in the comfy bed where I feel that it is safe. But, standing and moving... not so much.

Soooo... what if that 25 year old exercise instructor is on to something? What if, maybe, just maybe moving in one spot could be the answer. At least I would be moving. I mean, something has got to give.

That brings me to the present moment. I got those Turbo Jam tapes a week ago. Diet plan and all. I even bought a tub of cottage cheese to go with them. I have eaten the tub of cheese and gagged with it. But, I ate it instead of the cookie dough.

I did the tape once. Limped out of the room and cursed the instructor afterwards. Haven't done it again, but I know that it is in there waiting on me. Know that my life is waiting for me to begin again. Can't decide if that means that I am hopeless or hopeful. I am leaning on the hopeful side because I feel so much better.

Plans are to push play once I finish this post and limp some more.

I know the problem... I have always been able to see the future ahead of me. Always. I can no longer do that. I can't even see a few hours in front of me. That is scary and it is uncertain. I don't know how to function that way.

Instead of seeing that as a negative, I should be thrilled. I should be over the moon. I can finally... finally live in the present moment. But, the problem is... I don't know how to do that. I have never lived like that. I have always been so busy planning for tomorrow that I don't know how to live for today. Why is that?

How did I miss that? I know that tomorrow will take care of itself, for it always has. But, now that I am forced to live that way... it honestly scares me into fits of anxiety. Anxiety to the point of physical pain.

And I keep on replaying how I got here, instead of how to get out of here. I keep on replaying the past, instead of living in the present.

Ohhhhh.... this road, this road. I need a yellow brick road. I need some munchkins. I'd take elves or dwarfs or even some gnomes.

Oh, well. I think I will go pop in some Turbo Jam. Limp and curse and get myself upright for a bit. Something that will be productive. I got some present day living to do...