Writing to write. Mainly because today it doesn't feel as terrible as it did yesterday. Wondering if the writing had something to do with it. Have to say that it does feel good to get all that jumbly mumbly out of the cortex.
Course it could be that cookie dough I ate last night at midnight, too. Hmmm. Don't really want to go down that road. It would be loads better if I would catch on to that running addiction that folks are talking about. Would be a little bit more empowering I think. If my OCD would hurry up and kick back in, I think that maybe I could function a bit better.
The problem seems to be that I am not in control of this situation. I don't know about the ins and outs of getting a home. That is my husband's role. That is what he does. And he seems to be doing nothing. And the thought of having nowhere to go... that is a little much.
The thought of imposing on people. That seems to be even more. I can't imagine asking someone to take in 5 people. Even for a short period of time. Ugh.
I can't even believe that we are in this situation. My husband says that it will not come to that. He will find something. He will. To stop asking. I haven't asked that much. Once or twice. And that seems to be too much for him.
We are sitting here in a 4500 square foot home with the possibility of having no home. I am thinking that that is not even a rational thought. That is on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I have no control of this. Because I can't talk to him about it. He says that he doesn't know the answers.
I know that these are tough times. I know that they are. But, no home? Really????? 3 kids and no home? What the hell?
I have a job. I have been to college forever. No home? Why is the ball not rolling to figure this out. Why am I sitting here on the computer typing instead of figuring the situation out?
OK
OK...I think that I will stop for today and try to take some action to do something, anything.. to do that. What, I don't know. This is all so new to me.
I know that I am putting this all out there and hoping a bit that no one reads it. But, then again, that is why I say that this is a "road". Don't all roads twists and turn? And aren't there bumps and potholes?
Isn't this what we are suppose to go through? I don't guess I can see success until I see failure. I don't know. I think that I have seen failure. I think. I am not saying that I have seen perfection, not at all. But, if you live on an even playing field all the time, then there is no way to know joy. There is no way to feel blessed. There is know way to feel humility.
I am learning these things. Yeah, I am. The robotic state that I spoke of in the last post may be a way of keeping myself from feeling the pain that leads to the joy. But, I guess that I must feel the pain to feel the joy.
Again... I am not sure that I knew what I was in for when I started this a year ago. I have discovered so many things that have changed my life. I am seeing that life is about so much more than I thought. I have walked into emotions that I didn't know existed. Not sure that I like them, but I am sure that they are necessary.
Okay... going to stop typing for real. Going to do something about this house. Make a call. Probably futile, but it will make me feel like a player in this game. They will probably put me on the bench, but whatever.... I'll at least feel like I'm on the team...
4 comments:
K.C.
I haven't been around much of recent. Too busy thinking about what might have been and worrying about tomorrow. This is not life, this is fear and anger. It keeps me from painting, it keeps me from interacting with family, it keeps me down. It keeps me in constant wonder, why am I here, who the hell am I.
As you say, all of the above is over rated and a waste of one's emotions and time. It leads no where.
I have deep sympathy for what you are going through and feel the pain in your words. At times they sound confident and other times filled with fear and most of all just stuck at the stop sign marked go. It's a tough block to bust through. No one knows what's going to be on the other side when all is said and done. Take it from me, it's hard not to worry about the future, I am the king of that. I also know that it is meaningless time wasted. I forget about the present, the only time we have any control over. I'm still wondering about yesterday when the present starts all over again.
I'm not sure any of this means anything, I just wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and what few prayers I pray. Your words are brilliant descriptions of your daily journey through life. Take everything you written in the last year and start to piece it together in a book. Not an ordinary book, god there are so many ordinary books with pages and pages of words. I know there is something better than that in you.
I feel your future is bright and exciting and all you have to do is get through what confronts you now.
Yah yah, I know easy to say but hard to do.
You have the right idea to write everyday ... uh, everyday at least when you feel the need. Your words are your decompression chamber that will get you through to the next day of surprises.
OK, sorry, didn't mean to write a chapter of bla bla.
I just felt a connection with your words and what you're going through and wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.
Please be safe and breath. My only real advice.
I'll be back to check on you my friend.
Me again. I just read through your posts again.
Why are you going to lose you nice home? Did he lose his job?
This is from a mans perspective. He is the one that has caused all of your pain, he is the one that lied to you, he is the one that betrayed your trust in him, he can never be trusted again. I know men.
You can't go through your life loving him and constantly wondering what he's thinking, where has he been, does he love you, you can't do that K.C.
I'm not sure of the entire situation, but you have to be free of worry about being betrayed again. You have to worry about you. You're kids will survive through anything and you need a clean beginning.
Take what he has and boot his --- out. Harsh words I know. Even as a man the sound of him really ticks me off. I've known so many like him that have gone behind there wives backs and laughed about it on the way. Get it over with.
Sorry
I hope you're OK Kayce.
Kayce,
Glad you decided to write something,
just nice to know you're still there.
I'm sorry you are battling anxiety, not a good
thing at all. I do know what you're going through
as for living in the present. Hard to do when you're
worrying about the future. My wife tells me to live in the moment because the future is out of my hands.
Maybe go for a walk around the block or do something with your kids would help. Think of
cookie dough as though it's some foul smelling
log of chemicals. HA, it probably is.
Just be safe, and keep writing. All you can do is the best you can.
Doug
Post a Comment