Ball of Wax

You just never know. Really and truly... you just never know. You can look at someone and think that they have it all together. And the fact is, they could have broken bones all inside or they could have all kinds of scars under that beautiful sweater they are wearing.

That has become my life. People just don't know. But, I am trying to decide if that is okay. And I am trying to decide if it is okay that I am going through all of this.

I think the really lesson I am learning out of everything is that I am really going through this. I am going THROUGH this. I am not dying. I am not being trampled and I am not melting.

I have thought before that I knew what emotional pain was. Nada. This is emotional pain. This is bigger than anything that I have been through. Case in point: As I type, my chest feels so tight that it feels like I could reach in and pull out a fist sized ball of black wax. Right from the center. It feels as though that would do it. That would ease the problem.

It feels as though that ball of black heaviness is there at all times. Just waiting to explode. It would seem that I would do something to ease it. That I would get up and take steps to ease that pain. But, how is it that I can when I have that physical pain going on?

It is there... and I don't know if that is what depression feels like.. or if that is just the feeling of complete apathy when a world falls apart.

And I have to put a smile on for the rest of the world like a gift at a party. Smile for the children. Smile for the family. Smile for the coworkers. Smile for the husband. Smile for the people in the grocery store.

That is the issue. It's the internalizing of pain and it is the amazement of what is becoming a robotic state of existence. Knowing what is about to be lost and trying to make light of it. And being able to make light of it because I really do know that tomorrow is another day. I know that it is possible to live in the moment.

I have let fear get the best of me. Sometimes I can feel it in my fingertips. And the fact is... I need my fingertips. I need them to work and to cook and to type. Thus, proving the point of the robotic existence.

I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize that it was all just one big "bad patch". I will say "everything has it's reason". But, I think that I will also be able to say, "If I had only..." So, why can't I see that now? Why can't I reach in and pull out that black space and get on top of things right now?

This road to a million dollars is not for the faint of heart. It is not. It forces me to look very deeply. Maybe that is the issue. I have forced myself to look into things that a year ago I had not dreamed of. If anyone is reading this for the first time, all of this will seem so abstract. And possibly only about money.

Now, I think that I am wishing that it were. That is concrete and not about emotions. Concrete issues can be dealt with and talked about. Emotional issues are different. They are personal and hard to handle.

I am rambling... I think I have been doing that with most of this post. It is that ball of wax talking. Wax doesn't talk very well; it just gobs up and distorts if not handled with care. I'm not handling it very carefully.

What a downer and all about "me" post. If you read this, go watch an episode of "That 70's Show" so that you can lighten up... I have some Tivo'd for just such occasions...

Tomorrow IS another day and wax DOES melt... so here's hoping...