Awwww... geez. Sometimes it seems like things are so overwhelming that I could just burst. I miss my days of having no idea how bad things are. I really do miss them. But, the thing is, I can't go back to that anymore. I can't go back to not knowing what is going on.
Geez... I miss that. Have I mentioned that yet? And, the worse part is... I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it. I can support him with all the love and patience in the world. I can do that. That is what I do. I support.
That surely does not make me superior in any way. For, that is probably one of the reasons we are in the situation that we are in. I support and I forgive. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. If anything... it makes me a doormat. And, not in a good way, or a victim way.
If I wanted to play the victim, then I would tell everyone so that they could feel sorry for me. And how awful is it to be pitied? That is the worse thing.
Instead, I play like everything is just fine. In fact, I dare say that I play like everything is absolutely dandy. We are still the great family, with the dressed up husband and wife.... 3 kids and goofy dog.
But, then again...then again.... I have to say that right now in this very moment...I really don't feel all that awful. Right now...in this moment... I am living in my wonderful home. And my husband, who I want to think is awful for getting us into this mess, is right there in the other room. And I don't hate him. I actually love him.
I have a husband that I actually really do love so much that I have to pinch myself sometimes. In the midst of all that is going on, and all that he has put us through, I get to live with 4 people that I really do love.
So many people don't have that. So many people give up before the crisis is actually over. And then another crisis begins because they lose everyone they love. Whether the leave is warranted or not, they become a person who is living without.
And, I guess it would be different if I actually detested his existence. But, the truth is... I don't. I adore his existence. I adore the fact that I have his children, and that he is crazy about them. I adore the fact that they are crazy about him. At this point, noone is estranged. No one is without.
And I guess that is thing that I have to remember. I have to remember that the truth of it all is what is important. The truth of the present moment is all I have.
It is the fear that grips me. And, I really do know that fear is foolish. So, how come I am so fearful of what has yet to happen? I know why... because of the past. Because of the perceived things that I wonder about.
But, isn't that what I have to do to make things better? Don't I have to stop all this fear?
Can't I try and do my part to make things better. And I can't wonder what I am going to do about it tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I have to do what I can right now, at 10:30 at night to make things better. I think that I have to follow what I know is right.... right now.
So, instead of complaining and whining about what might happen, and instead of staying stuck in the past... and contemplating what I could have done different or what I wish he had done different, I should seriously take a few moments right now to consider what I can do IN THIS MOMENT to change things.
Or maybe that is not even right. Why do I feel I need to change things? Well, because the perceived present as it is seems pretty rotten. But the truth... the real truth is that the very present moment is not so terrible.
I am sitting in here on my computer at my desk with my rolling chair ( which is quite comfortable I might add ). That is the truth. I am getting to type and air out my feelings, which are also getting a little bit more comfortable.
I have to say... not too shabby. So...
Not a fantastic post... I get that. But, a needed one. A little airing out is always good for the soul. And it is good in the concrete sense that I don't hustle off to bed in a rage. That is SOOO overrated.
So, I think that I will just sit with what is tonight. My husband and I sitting together and watching Dr. House use his smart mouth to make others feel bad.
I have no need to feel bad anymore tonight....
5 comments:
I only wish you well.
It is easier to be 'exact' and to be critical....non-forgiving and to pass judgement. But how much more rewarding to forgive if it is possible...and to restore love. Way more challenging...I agree..but wallowing in sorrow does not get one anywhere. I am proud of you...but would support and understand either direction you would take. It is not for anyone else to decide...do you know what I mean? Only you know. And if he is truly repenting and you can forgive and if life can go on...and I believe it can...than you might reap much much more blessing as a family by staying together. Hang in there gal!
"A little airing out is always good for the soul."
Well said !
Keep hanging in and thinking the way you're thinking.
Stay close to the people you love and do the best you can. Plenty of air to be had. Air out whenever needed.
Take care K.C.
You are the master of your fate, and only you know the right answers to fill your soul!
Your happiness is all that matters and your kids! I hope you find your path, and it leads you to where you want to be!
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