Every Rose Has Its Thorns...

Okay.... so it has been awhile. I can't figure that out either. It seems like that with all that is going on, I would write. I would write to clear it all out. But, I couldn't. I couldn't muster the energy to do any writing. I was in such a funk that writing was the last thing that I could do.

It's funny when a marriage is on the line. It is funny and ludicrous to think that I could be a single person. I use the adjective "funny" to avoid the real emotions like heart-wrenching, tormenting and scary-as-hell.

I can't imagine my life without my husband. With all of his faults, I simply can't imagine a life without him. He has done so many things wrong that I also have a hard time realizing that I have stayed with him.

But... but... I have this great aunt. I mean that in a couple of ways. She is my mother's aunt, which makes her my great aunt. But, also, she is a fantastic human being. That also makes her a "great" aunt.

We have spent so much time at her house. In the past, and now in the present. They are those relatives that have it all. The tennis courts, the swimming pool and the home gym with a tanning bed. And, wow, as a kid going to visit. Yeah, wow....

She and my uncle were the best hosts. They were the couple that always entertained. They were the epitome of what I wanted when I grew up.

But, there was a secret life that my uncle was living. Or, rather, it was secret to me. I had no idea that some men lived a life apart from their wives. That they had any other interests other than their family. That they would dare to "see" other women.

I found that out as I got older. I found out that my "great" aunt had lived her whole married life with a man that was not completely devoted to her. And she knew it. Many people knew it. So, ends up... it wasn't so secret after all.

I wondered so many times, "How in the hell could she deal with something like that?"

Well, it ends up... she really loves that man. Faults and all. She would have rather lived with the betrayal and negligance than to live completely without him.

And now, she is almost 90 years old, and so is he. She has alzheimers disease. But, guess who is right beside her holding her hand through it all? It is my uncle. At this point in his life, he has realized what he had all along. He is loving her through this, and he is so sorry to see her in this condition.

And, at this point in my own life, I can see how she remained by his side. Love is a powerful thing. It is also a very debilitating emotion.

Now that I am having to deal with some really devastating situations, I am having to get real. I am having to see life for what it is. With all of its hills and valleys. And those valleys... they are full of thorns that sting so violently that sometimes it is literally hard to breathe.

But.... but.... I am not sure that living without the man that I truly love would be worth saving my pride. It is a hard thing to swallow... all that has happened. But, it is something, for now, that I know that I have to do.

He chose me... but, somewhere along the way, he seems to have questioned that choice. It is my responsibility to help him remember why he made that choice. I have to rise above all the very, very real hardships that he has decided to put us through. I have to try to see this from his side.

I have to know that his children would be lost without him... as would I. I have a full life ahead of me with very real goals to accomplish. If that means that I have to put up with his bad decisions along the way... then so be it. It is making me stronger than I ever thought I would be.

It is letting me see that life is not always rosy... but within that, there are roses with thorns that I can avoid.

So, for today, I chose to smell the roses... and keep away from the thorns.