I am not thinking of things the way everyone would say that I should. Everyone would SAY that I should still be reaming him out. Everyone would SAY that I should be pouting and yelling and screaming at him. I should telling him what he can do with his attitude and his texts and his secretary.
But, where would that get me? That would get me alone. That would get me three kids who miss their father. That would get me so desperately unhappy that I am not sure that I could manage.
Am I fooling myself here? I am not sure. I am not sure if I am just talking myself out of what is right, or if I am talking about wisdom. I can't tell.
I don't know if I have the big picture figured out or if I am just ignorant. If, in the long run, everything is going to work itself out anyway... then are these little pitfalls worth the hassle of all the drama and heartache. Isn't there a high road that I should take.
Should I cause all this hurt and pain for myself if, in the end, we are going to be fine? On the other hand, doesn't it take some bleeding out to get to the healing stage? And, I swear, that is what I feel like is happening here. For so long, I have felt this moment coming. Now that it is here, and things are out in the open, I can actually feel the pain. I am no longer just imagining things anymore.
Before, I just supposed. I just wondered and imagined "What would I do if that ever happened to me?" Well... now it is in my face. I am one of those people who has decisions to make. I have a life changing decision to make.
I am an average person with a life changing decision to make. Yeah, I am a grown-up. I get that. But, I don't want to be THAT grown-up. I don't want to make that kind of decision. Can't I just crawl back into the sand? Isn't there some way to forget that I asked and that he was stupid enough to answer?
Why would he tell me? Why would he? And was he telling me the whole truth? How is it that a woman recovers from this? How do I recover from knowing that someone else was his focus?
That is so hard. What is it that I can do to become his focus? I don't want to use sarcasm like "All I did was have his kids". That is why I don't tell my friends. That is what they will throw out. That is the rationale that they will use.
If that mattered, this would have never happened in the first place. He was not thinking on those lines. It was because of that that this happened. She is in an ideal situation to have his attention. She gets the ideal side of him. She doesn't get to have his problems. She doesn't get to have the runny noses at home or the sweet bedheads in the morning to get ready. (She has her own at home with own messed up hair and bathrobe.)
He sees her at work after she has perfected herself and had the nails done and the boobs popped up and neckline pulled down and the necklace perfectly placed for his eyes to see.
I am going on a tangent which is what I didn't want to do....
This isn't productive. I should quit now... before I lead myself farther down a road I don't want to go... this road is bumpy enough
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6 comments:
...sigh...Oh the words to give K.C.! I wish I knew. Yet, somehow I can see you already talking this out....bringing up all angles. You are right...you need to do that. I personally regret so many times reacting on initial feelings. What stronger feelings of hurt can one endure than betrayal. This is a tough one girl...talk it out...and pray for wisdom!
I know I don't have the words to make it right. But its ok to stay with him, you just need to get rid of her. Wish I could help. I know I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do. You can vent to me anytime...I'll listen and try to help in anyway a stranger far away can.
Personally, perhaps you two need to see a marriage counselor if that would work. However, if he refuses and if he is showing nothing to focus on you--well, he isn't their father.
I know it seems harsh and I know it seems mean, but they have to see their father respecting their mother. However, I would let the mud settle.
That's all I would do. I don't know you or your guy, just those are my generic answers. I wish you strength, patience, and wisdom during all this. I just wonder if he really wants to make it work or is saying sorry to just placate.
You have a way with words. Sometimes going around in circles will actually make you go forward.
Sorry to hear of your situation K.C. No woman should have to deal with all the questions, self doubt, anger, and total loss of self esteem in an affair aftermath.
I've missed you here, and haven't stopped back, cause you hadn't posted for so long. I see why now you have all this to deal with. No magic answers here! Many marriages have survived, others have failed. It depends on the depth of your love for each other. If you can truly forgive, and forget.
I never trusted men from the time I was born, my dad cheated and abused my my mom. I saw it all over the place. I almost let the love of my life walk away because of my mistrust of the opposite sex. Good luck to you and my email is always open if you need a friend! xo Jo ~
KC, you are here at the blog? I don't know what made me pass by today... you had been away a long time... my blog has been a bit dormant too... one of those odd things, just clicked on one of the old comments, and voila! I am sorry turning up here at a bad time (just read this post) I will have to read more to catch up and understand what is happening, even if this not much consolation, do count on your blog-friends to be here for you at this tough time. You will make it, you are a brave girl, we are all behind you,even if just to hold your hand, and help clear your head as to what you want to do next!
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