Benchwarmer

Writing to write. Mainly because today it doesn't feel as terrible as it did yesterday. Wondering if the writing had something to do with it. Have to say that it does feel good to get all that jumbly mumbly out of the cortex.

Course it could be that cookie dough I ate last night at midnight, too. Hmmm. Don't really want to go down that road. It would be loads better if I would catch on to that running addiction that folks are talking about. Would be a little bit more empowering I think. If my OCD would hurry up and kick back in, I think that maybe I could function a bit better.

The problem seems to be that I am not in control of this situation. I don't know about the ins and outs of getting a home. That is my husband's role. That is what he does. And he seems to be doing nothing. And the thought of having nowhere to go... that is a little much.

The thought of imposing on people. That seems to be even more. I can't imagine asking someone to take in 5 people. Even for a short period of time. Ugh.

I can't even believe that we are in this situation. My husband says that it will not come to that. He will find something. He will. To stop asking. I haven't asked that much. Once or twice. And that seems to be too much for him.

We are sitting here in a 4500 square foot home with the possibility of having no home. I am thinking that that is not even a rational thought. That is on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I have no control of this. Because I can't talk to him about it. He says that he doesn't know the answers.

I know that these are tough times. I know that they are. But, no home? Really????? 3 kids and no home? What the hell?

I have a job. I have been to college forever. No home? Why is the ball not rolling to figure this out. Why am I sitting here on the computer typing instead of figuring the situation out?

OK
OK...I think that I will stop for today and try to take some action to do something, anything.. to do that. What, I don't know. This is all so new to me.

I know that I am putting this all out there and hoping a bit that no one reads it. But, then again, that is why I say that this is a "road". Don't all roads twists and turn? And aren't there bumps and potholes?

Isn't this what we are suppose to go through? I don't guess I can see success until I see failure. I don't know. I think that I have seen failure. I think. I am not saying that I have seen perfection, not at all. But, if you live on an even playing field all the time, then there is no way to know joy. There is no way to feel blessed. There is know way to feel humility.

I am learning these things. Yeah, I am. The robotic state that I spoke of in the last post may be a way of keeping myself from feeling the pain that leads to the joy. But, I guess that I must feel the pain to feel the joy.

Again... I am not sure that I knew what I was in for when I started this a year ago. I have discovered so many things that have changed my life. I am seeing that life is about so much more than I thought. I have walked into emotions that I didn't know existed. Not sure that I like them, but I am sure that they are necessary.

Okay... going to stop typing for real. Going to do something about this house. Make a call. Probably futile, but it will make me feel like a player in this game. They will probably put me on the bench, but whatever.... I'll at least feel like I'm on the team...

Ball of Wax

You just never know. Really and truly... you just never know. You can look at someone and think that they have it all together. And the fact is, they could have broken bones all inside or they could have all kinds of scars under that beautiful sweater they are wearing.

That has become my life. People just don't know. But, I am trying to decide if that is okay. And I am trying to decide if it is okay that I am going through all of this.

I think the really lesson I am learning out of everything is that I am really going through this. I am going THROUGH this. I am not dying. I am not being trampled and I am not melting.

I have thought before that I knew what emotional pain was. Nada. This is emotional pain. This is bigger than anything that I have been through. Case in point: As I type, my chest feels so tight that it feels like I could reach in and pull out a fist sized ball of black wax. Right from the center. It feels as though that would do it. That would ease the problem.

It feels as though that ball of black heaviness is there at all times. Just waiting to explode. It would seem that I would do something to ease it. That I would get up and take steps to ease that pain. But, how is it that I can when I have that physical pain going on?

It is there... and I don't know if that is what depression feels like.. or if that is just the feeling of complete apathy when a world falls apart.

And I have to put a smile on for the rest of the world like a gift at a party. Smile for the children. Smile for the family. Smile for the coworkers. Smile for the husband. Smile for the people in the grocery store.

That is the issue. It's the internalizing of pain and it is the amazement of what is becoming a robotic state of existence. Knowing what is about to be lost and trying to make light of it. And being able to make light of it because I really do know that tomorrow is another day. I know that it is possible to live in the moment.

I have let fear get the best of me. Sometimes I can feel it in my fingertips. And the fact is... I need my fingertips. I need them to work and to cook and to type. Thus, proving the point of the robotic existence.

I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize that it was all just one big "bad patch". I will say "everything has it's reason". But, I think that I will also be able to say, "If I had only..." So, why can't I see that now? Why can't I reach in and pull out that black space and get on top of things right now?

This road to a million dollars is not for the faint of heart. It is not. It forces me to look very deeply. Maybe that is the issue. I have forced myself to look into things that a year ago I had not dreamed of. If anyone is reading this for the first time, all of this will seem so abstract. And possibly only about money.

Now, I think that I am wishing that it were. That is concrete and not about emotions. Concrete issues can be dealt with and talked about. Emotional issues are different. They are personal and hard to handle.

I am rambling... I think I have been doing that with most of this post. It is that ball of wax talking. Wax doesn't talk very well; it just gobs up and distorts if not handled with care. I'm not handling it very carefully.

What a downer and all about "me" post. If you read this, go watch an episode of "That 70's Show" so that you can lighten up... I have some Tivo'd for just such occasions...

Tomorrow IS another day and wax DOES melt... so here's hoping...