Not Too Shabby...

Awwww... geez. Sometimes it seems like things are so overwhelming that I could just burst. I miss my days of having no idea how bad things are. I really do miss them. But, the thing is, I can't go back to that anymore. I can't go back to not knowing what is going on.

Geez... I miss that. Have I mentioned that yet? And, the worse part is... I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it. I can support him with all the love and patience in the world. I can do that. That is what I do. I support.

That surely does not make me superior in any way. For, that is probably one of the reasons we are in the situation that we are in. I support and I forgive. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. If anything... it makes me a doormat. And, not in a good way, or a victim way.

If I wanted to play the victim, then I would tell everyone so that they could feel sorry for me. And how awful is it to be pitied? That is the worse thing.

Instead, I play like everything is just fine. In fact, I dare say that I play like everything is absolutely dandy. We are still the great family, with the dressed up husband and wife.... 3 kids and goofy dog.

But, then again...then again.... I have to say that right now in this very moment...I really don't feel all that awful. Right now...in this moment... I am living in my wonderful home. And my husband, who I want to think is awful for getting us into this mess, is right there in the other room. And I don't hate him. I actually love him.

I have a husband that I actually really do love so much that I have to pinch myself sometimes. In the midst of all that is going on, and all that he has put us through, I get to live with 4 people that I really do love.

So many people don't have that. So many people give up before the crisis is actually over. And then another crisis begins because they lose everyone they love. Whether the leave is warranted or not, they become a person who is living without.

And, I guess it would be different if I actually detested his existence. But, the truth is... I don't. I adore his existence. I adore the fact that I have his children, and that he is crazy about them. I adore the fact that they are crazy about him. At this point, noone is estranged. No one is without.

And I guess that is thing that I have to remember. I have to remember that the truth of it all is what is important. The truth of the present moment is all I have.

It is the fear that grips me. And, I really do know that fear is foolish. So, how come I am so fearful of what has yet to happen? I know why... because of the past. Because of the perceived things that I wonder about.

But, isn't that what I have to do to make things better? Don't I have to stop all this fear?

Can't I try and do my part to make things better. And I can't wonder what I am going to do about it tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I have to do what I can right now, at 10:30 at night to make things better. I think that I have to follow what I know is right.... right now.

So, instead of complaining and whining about what might happen, and instead of staying stuck in the past... and contemplating what I could have done different or what I wish he had done different, I should seriously take a few moments right now to consider what I can do IN THIS MOMENT to change things.

Or maybe that is not even right. Why do I feel I need to change things? Well, because the perceived present as it is seems pretty rotten. But the truth... the real truth is that the very present moment is not so terrible.

I am sitting in here on my computer at my desk with my rolling chair ( which is quite comfortable I might add ). That is the truth. I am getting to type and air out my feelings, which are also getting a little bit more comfortable.

I have to say... not too shabby. So...

Not a fantastic post... I get that. But, a needed one. A little airing out is always good for the soul. And it is good in the concrete sense that I don't hustle off to bed in a rage. That is SOOO overrated.

So, I think that I will just sit with what is tonight. My husband and I sitting together and watching Dr. House use his smart mouth to make others feel bad.

I have no need to feel bad anymore tonight....

Every Rose Has Its Thorns...

Okay.... so it has been awhile. I can't figure that out either. It seems like that with all that is going on, I would write. I would write to clear it all out. But, I couldn't. I couldn't muster the energy to do any writing. I was in such a funk that writing was the last thing that I could do.

It's funny when a marriage is on the line. It is funny and ludicrous to think that I could be a single person. I use the adjective "funny" to avoid the real emotions like heart-wrenching, tormenting and scary-as-hell.

I can't imagine my life without my husband. With all of his faults, I simply can't imagine a life without him. He has done so many things wrong that I also have a hard time realizing that I have stayed with him.

But... but... I have this great aunt. I mean that in a couple of ways. She is my mother's aunt, which makes her my great aunt. But, also, she is a fantastic human being. That also makes her a "great" aunt.

We have spent so much time at her house. In the past, and now in the present. They are those relatives that have it all. The tennis courts, the swimming pool and the home gym with a tanning bed. And, wow, as a kid going to visit. Yeah, wow....

She and my uncle were the best hosts. They were the couple that always entertained. They were the epitome of what I wanted when I grew up.

But, there was a secret life that my uncle was living. Or, rather, it was secret to me. I had no idea that some men lived a life apart from their wives. That they had any other interests other than their family. That they would dare to "see" other women.

I found that out as I got older. I found out that my "great" aunt had lived her whole married life with a man that was not completely devoted to her. And she knew it. Many people knew it. So, ends up... it wasn't so secret after all.

I wondered so many times, "How in the hell could she deal with something like that?"

Well, it ends up... she really loves that man. Faults and all. She would have rather lived with the betrayal and negligance than to live completely without him.

And now, she is almost 90 years old, and so is he. She has alzheimers disease. But, guess who is right beside her holding her hand through it all? It is my uncle. At this point in his life, he has realized what he had all along. He is loving her through this, and he is so sorry to see her in this condition.

And, at this point in my own life, I can see how she remained by his side. Love is a powerful thing. It is also a very debilitating emotion.

Now that I am having to deal with some really devastating situations, I am having to get real. I am having to see life for what it is. With all of its hills and valleys. And those valleys... they are full of thorns that sting so violently that sometimes it is literally hard to breathe.

But.... but.... I am not sure that living without the man that I truly love would be worth saving my pride. It is a hard thing to swallow... all that has happened. But, it is something, for now, that I know that I have to do.

He chose me... but, somewhere along the way, he seems to have questioned that choice. It is my responsibility to help him remember why he made that choice. I have to rise above all the very, very real hardships that he has decided to put us through. I have to try to see this from his side.

I have to know that his children would be lost without him... as would I. I have a full life ahead of me with very real goals to accomplish. If that means that I have to put up with his bad decisions along the way... then so be it. It is making me stronger than I ever thought I would be.

It is letting me see that life is not always rosy... but within that, there are roses with thorns that I can avoid.

So, for today, I chose to smell the roses... and keep away from the thorns.