I Miss My Ostrich Existence!

I am not thinking of things the way everyone would say that I should. Everyone would SAY that I should still be reaming him out. Everyone would SAY that I should be pouting and yelling and screaming at him. I should telling him what he can do with his attitude and his texts and his secretary.

But, where would that get me? That would get me alone. That would get me three kids who miss their father. That would get me so desperately unhappy that I am not sure that I could manage.

Am I fooling myself here? I am not sure. I am not sure if I am just talking myself out of what is right, or if I am talking about wisdom. I can't tell.

I don't know if I have the big picture figured out or if I am just ignorant. If, in the long run, everything is going to work itself out anyway... then are these little pitfalls worth the hassle of all the drama and heartache. Isn't there a high road that I should take.

Should I cause all this hurt and pain for myself if, in the end, we are going to be fine? On the other hand, doesn't it take some bleeding out to get to the healing stage? And, I swear, that is what I feel like is happening here. For so long, I have felt this moment coming. Now that it is here, and things are out in the open, I can actually feel the pain. I am no longer just imagining things anymore.

Before, I just supposed. I just wondered and imagined "What would I do if that ever happened to me?" Well... now it is in my face. I am one of those people who has decisions to make. I have a life changing decision to make.

I am an average person with a life changing decision to make. Yeah, I am a grown-up. I get that. But, I don't want to be THAT grown-up. I don't want to make that kind of decision. Can't I just crawl back into the sand? Isn't there some way to forget that I asked and that he was stupid enough to answer?

Why would he tell me? Why would he? And was he telling me the whole truth? How is it that a woman recovers from this? How do I recover from knowing that someone else was his focus?

That is so hard. What is it that I can do to become his focus? I don't want to use sarcasm like "All I did was have his kids". That is why I don't tell my friends. That is what they will throw out. That is the rationale that they will use.

If that mattered, this would have never happened in the first place. He was not thinking on those lines. It was because of that that this happened. She is in an ideal situation to have his attention. She gets the ideal side of him. She doesn't get to have his problems. She doesn't get to have the runny noses at home or the sweet bedheads in the morning to get ready. (She has her own at home with own messed up hair and bathrobe.)

He sees her at work after she has perfected herself and had the nails done and the boobs popped up and neckline pulled down and the necklace perfectly placed for his eyes to see.

I am going on a tangent which is what I didn't want to do....

This isn't productive. I should quit now... before I lead myself farther down a road I don't want to go... this road is bumpy enough

Check the Rules

Heavy only right now. Feel like I have been punched only. And only I feel like I have been punched. He is light on his feet. And eating cake...and ice cream too.

It must be so nice to be in his position. To have both of us. Me here to clean his home and raise his family. And her, at work, on his phone and across his street. Geez, what a soap opera. I think that I need to call the networks. This is better than what is on TV for sure. In this case, however, there are true feelings being stomped all over. And for now, there is just one set.

Hagatha is riding pretty. Her husband continues to ride in ignorance. I think that I will allow that. There is no need for him to know. If it truly is over....then there is no point in him knowing what I know. My pain is enough for both of us, or for anyone of of you out there who feel they need to give their transgransions to. I think that maybe I can hold onto those. This heart is wide open right now.

This is a one chance offer. Because after this, I am afraid that I might become hard. Get that arteriosclerosis you hear people talk about as they get older. I always thought that was a medical term. Now, I am discovering that is only emotional. Get that heart broken hard enough, it will heal itself alright...nice and tight. So tight that it is unwilling to get broken again.. and we all know that the heart leads out to the arteries...THUS hardening of the arteries.

I am going to be one tough ole bat, I am afraid. And that is not a part of myself that I am interested in knowing. I love this man. But, the thought of going through this type of pain ever again....no...just too much for me.

I have to figure out a way to avoid that...

Smartest way...Leave him...Problem there...I love him silly. That doesn't even seem like an option. Meanwhile, he knows this, which leaves Hagatha to do her thing because they both know forgiveness is on the other end.

And it just floors me that there is no regards for the wife and children. Hmmm....

Another option is to rip the red hair out so that she is bald. She looks a bit like a Hoo from Whoville. But, really... who has time for court? Right? Plus, it's not my style...

I have got to take the high road here...not sure what that is. I did talk it out. Didn't take the high road very well at all. Said things that the sailors taught me. Would love to say that I didn't mean them, but I did. Maybe given time, I will take them back...but not yet.

They crossed the line...And then he told me.... What a dumb ass.

Isn't there a rule book somewhere ?

Hagatha

You'd think that I would have known. You would think that I could have seen it. You would think that a highly educated person would know things. But, then again, I am not any more educated then anyone else. So, I went to school. That was just another way of passing the time. I just like to go to school. It is just something I enjoy doing. That doesn't make me any smarter than the girl next door.

AND, speaking of the girl next door... seems like, she is closer to my husband than I am. She has been for quite some time. I have known it. I let our family move in next to her. I let my husband work with her now for over 14 years. Why? Why would I do that? I know why. Because she makes him happy. Because she keeps him organized. Because she helps him do his job.

What is my problem? What in God's name would provoke me to do something like this. I have taken this backwards on a day-by-day look to try to see it for the dysfunctional ride that it is. He has made me believe that he needs her for "the job". But, as of last night, seems like the job was a little bit more involved. There was more to the job than shuffling papers.

The Hagatha across the street that sees my husband every day has now infringed not only on my marraige, but on the lives of my children. How is it that I bring happiness into that? Seems like this will be an ultimate test for me.

I have known. But, in true "head in the sand" fashion, I have believed what I was told so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I have not pushed the issue far enough so that I could maintain solidarity. Now that I know the truth, it seems like I have decisions to make.

It is so true that "Ignorance is Bliss". But, then again, there was this gnawing need to know. There were the endless phone calls. The endless looks and visits and time together. And the shallow explanations that made me look so foolish. And I knew that, but I didn't care because my children still had their father home every night. Don't children deserve that?

Then, I look on the other side of the whole equation. There has to be another side of the equation. There always is. Always. Hagatha has to have something that I don't. Though I see her as the enemy, she must have something that makes her appealing, besides the obvious.

I am not telling the whole story either. And, if truth be told, I am not sure that I know the whole story. I have been lied to for so long that I don't know reality from fiction right now. According to the powers that rule my life right now, this whole "thing" (to give it a real word seems wrong) occured almost two years ago. The problem with that is that they still work together and continue to talk on the phone and text each other constantly. Or did, until I "wised up".

And, again, problem there.... I now have to play detective to see if they are continuing to talk. What the hell? What is that? What kind of marraige is that? I am not being told everything. What kind of person deals with that?

I think the reason that I am even writing this out is because I think that my head migt explode if I don't get it out. I have been lied to for so long, and last night, things were finally admitted. And that is when I realized how delusional I have been. I REALLY did think that there was nothing going on. I REALLY had bought the whole "friends" explanation. I REALLY had.

What is my problem? For years, I have done that. Now, how in the world will I trust? I am 41. That is over half of a life span. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. This man has done so much damage to me. And there was no sorrow there. There were only rationalizations.

To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be. But, contact is contact. And intimacy is intimacy. No, I am tired of being fair. I am tired period. I am tired of Hagatha having my husband. I am tired of Hagatha's ears hearing his voice. I am tired of Hagatha's....

This is new to me. The denial was not good. Now, I have to face head on what I had buried. What I had forced myself not to face because he promised me...

But, why would he promise me that? Why wouldn't he have just let me go? Why wouldn't they have just destroyed the two families that they both had created previously?

Why the drama? What is that? I am bumfuzzled. I am seeing a mid-life crisis play out in in fullest. I don't like it. I am feeling physical pain equal to that of my father's death. It doesn't seem fair. That seriously doesn't seem fair. How could something like this be equal to something so sacred?

I remember that pain. The pain is so similar. Even as I type, the tears fall. The thought of betrayal without regard. The thought of ...

Geez, I would love to write it all out, because it seems like it would be therapeutic, but on the other hand, doesn't seem like it would be prudent.

It feels like my skin is crawling. I can't go back and make it right. I have to deal with this on my own. I can tell no one. I can't tell my family, because the odds are...we will get past this. That is what I do... I swallow things. If I tell anyone, they will hold it against him. I don't want that for him.

I would LOVE to walk over to Hagatha's and punch her right in the face. I have never wanted to do anything like that in my life. That is so childish. I would love to go over there...and again...she is right across the street, and ruin her life. Tell her husband...tell the neighbors that she is so close to. Tell everyone what a hag she is.

They still work together every day. What am I supposed to do? Walk out? Where will that get me? I have three children. Three. I will be in a small apartment for the rest of my life. On a teacher's salary. My children will be without their father. That doesn't seem like a reasonable solution. They didn't cause this. It is not their fault at all.

Trying to see my place in all of this. I refuse to believe that I don't have a place in this. I want to see it and make my place right. That will help. Right now, it is hard to see. For, in my mind, I see a very different picture and it is quite vivid.

I wonder how long that will last. I wonder how long I will see that. It hasn't even been 12 hours yet... so I know that it is all very raw right now. I know that I am just tender right now. I know that I have the power of forgiveness. I have used it many times.

This time, however, I am wondering if that is just nieve. And I think that he just knows that about me. I think he has used that for many years now to his advantage. And I see where that has gotten me. Across the street from Hagatha. I still cannot believe that I moved in across the street from her. My gut instinct told me not to. I have had dinner over there several times, for God's sake.

What a mess. I cannot even believe that I am writing about this. I can't believe that I am part of such a dysfunctional situation. It's just not my thing. But, then again...I guess it it is.

I'm not the picket fence I thought that I would grow up to be. I surely tried. I want to be so mad at both of them for tearing that part of my life down, but I am only sad. This is a sad that I don't know how to process. He doesn't know how to help me, or chooses not to. I can't tell.

If I can get through this one...I may have to grow a gadget arm to a pat myself on the back. This is tough....