Back in the saddle?

How is it that I follow my own advice? How is it that I stay on top of the game? I was writing so good there for awhile, and then I just got off the bandwagon. Life got in my way.

I love my job. There is no doubt about that. I love what I do. What is getting in the way is the wet blanket that is in my home. Why can't he see the big picture? He is causing me to lose faith, and that is just not what I am about. I have faith in everything. I have always been able to see the big picture. It is almost like he is wanting me to lose faith. That is just not my M.O. That is not the way I operate.

On the one hand, I put my head in the sand and don't look at the negative side of things. I refuse to see it. Reason being...I just know that in the end...he will just take care of it. He always has. And now, he is just rolling over. He has lost hope because of the downward spiral.

I have no idea how to help him. I have to know that there is something that I can do. I just don't know what that is...I don't know what my role is in all of this. I have to play a role in all of this. It is my life. Everyone plays a role in their own life. Everyone changes the events in their own lives. Every action that a person does changes the events that occur in their lives. And this time, I don't know what to do to help our situation.

This whole financial backslide has gotten us. I am only one person, and he seems to be hell bent on letting us just lay down and take us over. For God's sake! We were on top. This is what he does. He fixes things. Why won't he fix this?! And, again, the thing is... This is not about the money. This is not about the money. This is NOT about the money. This is about being happy. He is not happy, therefore noone else in this house is happy.

Nooooo, I take that back. I am exhausting all energy that I have to be happy. I am trying to make sure that my children have no idea what is going on. This has been going on for over a year. It is completely exhausting---I am just exhausted. I am writing it out, because I can't talk it out.

And the thing is... I have had to stop typing about 10 times, just these few paragraphs, because I have children who have come in here over and over just to see what Mom is doing. There seems to be no time just to sort the whole thing out. If there was just a way to step out of it all and breathe for just a minute and see this for what it was.

A moment in time that is downtime. A pitfall that will work itself out. A friend of mine just went to Africa where the children have to start working at the age of 6. That is surely not what we are going through. But, then again, it is all relative. If I have to live with a man that is going to have a breakdown, or rather, is going through a breakdown...isn't unhappiness relative?

I can't tell on that one. I really don't know. I know that we make our own happiness. I know that when he is not here, we can find a way to be happy. That is not to say that I do not want him here. That is to say that I want him to be happy. I want him to be here, with us, and to be happy. That is where I have to find a way to get into this picture and make choices that will make him happy.

How to do that? How to do that? What to do? How is it that I will do things to help him make the money that will bring him happiness. Because for him, that is what he needs right now. He has gotten us so far into debt that he can't see straight. I don't believe that the debt is my fault. He caused that himself.

But that is not relative. That does not matter. There is nothing that I can do about that. I just want him to find a way out of the depression so that he can find his way out of the hole.

He is okay with moving... that is where I have a problem. I don't want to move my children again. They love where we are. I don't think that it is fair to make them move, yet again, from their home because their father could not control himself. Also, because their father cannot get himself up out of his downward spiral. That is not their fault.

We will be stuck in that house for so long. This is my anger talking and maybe it needs to talk for awhile and get itself out of my head so that I can think straight. I don't know... I don't like myself when I think so negatively about this man that I love. This seems so petty of me. He doesn't want to be this person.. but then, maybe he does. Why else would he do the things that he does?

Oh, another child coming into the room... I have griped enough.. this isn't productive...I have a million dollars to make.. I still know that it will come.

2 steps back... that is all this is. My faith is unwavering. I am on this episode of PUNKED, and I don't think it is funny anymore....