Not Too Shabby...

Awwww... geez. Sometimes it seems like things are so overwhelming that I could just burst. I miss my days of having no idea how bad things are. I really do miss them. But, the thing is, I can't go back to that anymore. I can't go back to not knowing what is going on.

Geez... I miss that. Have I mentioned that yet? And, the worse part is... I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it. I can support him with all the love and patience in the world. I can do that. That is what I do. I support.

That surely does not make me superior in any way. For, that is probably one of the reasons we are in the situation that we are in. I support and I forgive. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. If anything... it makes me a doormat. And, not in a good way, or a victim way.

If I wanted to play the victim, then I would tell everyone so that they could feel sorry for me. And how awful is it to be pitied? That is the worse thing.

Instead, I play like everything is just fine. In fact, I dare say that I play like everything is absolutely dandy. We are still the great family, with the dressed up husband and wife.... 3 kids and goofy dog.

But, then again...then again.... I have to say that right now in this very moment...I really don't feel all that awful. Right now...in this moment... I am living in my wonderful home. And my husband, who I want to think is awful for getting us into this mess, is right there in the other room. And I don't hate him. I actually love him.

I have a husband that I actually really do love so much that I have to pinch myself sometimes. In the midst of all that is going on, and all that he has put us through, I get to live with 4 people that I really do love.

So many people don't have that. So many people give up before the crisis is actually over. And then another crisis begins because they lose everyone they love. Whether the leave is warranted or not, they become a person who is living without.

And, I guess it would be different if I actually detested his existence. But, the truth is... I don't. I adore his existence. I adore the fact that I have his children, and that he is crazy about them. I adore the fact that they are crazy about him. At this point, noone is estranged. No one is without.

And I guess that is thing that I have to remember. I have to remember that the truth of it all is what is important. The truth of the present moment is all I have.

It is the fear that grips me. And, I really do know that fear is foolish. So, how come I am so fearful of what has yet to happen? I know why... because of the past. Because of the perceived things that I wonder about.

But, isn't that what I have to do to make things better? Don't I have to stop all this fear?

Can't I try and do my part to make things better. And I can't wonder what I am going to do about it tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I have to do what I can right now, at 10:30 at night to make things better. I think that I have to follow what I know is right.... right now.

So, instead of complaining and whining about what might happen, and instead of staying stuck in the past... and contemplating what I could have done different or what I wish he had done different, I should seriously take a few moments right now to consider what I can do IN THIS MOMENT to change things.

Or maybe that is not even right. Why do I feel I need to change things? Well, because the perceived present as it is seems pretty rotten. But the truth... the real truth is that the very present moment is not so terrible.

I am sitting in here on my computer at my desk with my rolling chair ( which is quite comfortable I might add ). That is the truth. I am getting to type and air out my feelings, which are also getting a little bit more comfortable.

I have to say... not too shabby. So...

Not a fantastic post... I get that. But, a needed one. A little airing out is always good for the soul. And it is good in the concrete sense that I don't hustle off to bed in a rage. That is SOOO overrated.

So, I think that I will just sit with what is tonight. My husband and I sitting together and watching Dr. House use his smart mouth to make others feel bad.

I have no need to feel bad anymore tonight....

Every Rose Has Its Thorns...

Okay.... so it has been awhile. I can't figure that out either. It seems like that with all that is going on, I would write. I would write to clear it all out. But, I couldn't. I couldn't muster the energy to do any writing. I was in such a funk that writing was the last thing that I could do.

It's funny when a marriage is on the line. It is funny and ludicrous to think that I could be a single person. I use the adjective "funny" to avoid the real emotions like heart-wrenching, tormenting and scary-as-hell.

I can't imagine my life without my husband. With all of his faults, I simply can't imagine a life without him. He has done so many things wrong that I also have a hard time realizing that I have stayed with him.

But... but... I have this great aunt. I mean that in a couple of ways. She is my mother's aunt, which makes her my great aunt. But, also, she is a fantastic human being. That also makes her a "great" aunt.

We have spent so much time at her house. In the past, and now in the present. They are those relatives that have it all. The tennis courts, the swimming pool and the home gym with a tanning bed. And, wow, as a kid going to visit. Yeah, wow....

She and my uncle were the best hosts. They were the couple that always entertained. They were the epitome of what I wanted when I grew up.

But, there was a secret life that my uncle was living. Or, rather, it was secret to me. I had no idea that some men lived a life apart from their wives. That they had any other interests other than their family. That they would dare to "see" other women.

I found that out as I got older. I found out that my "great" aunt had lived her whole married life with a man that was not completely devoted to her. And she knew it. Many people knew it. So, ends up... it wasn't so secret after all.

I wondered so many times, "How in the hell could she deal with something like that?"

Well, it ends up... she really loves that man. Faults and all. She would have rather lived with the betrayal and negligance than to live completely without him.

And now, she is almost 90 years old, and so is he. She has alzheimers disease. But, guess who is right beside her holding her hand through it all? It is my uncle. At this point in his life, he has realized what he had all along. He is loving her through this, and he is so sorry to see her in this condition.

And, at this point in my own life, I can see how she remained by his side. Love is a powerful thing. It is also a very debilitating emotion.

Now that I am having to deal with some really devastating situations, I am having to get real. I am having to see life for what it is. With all of its hills and valleys. And those valleys... they are full of thorns that sting so violently that sometimes it is literally hard to breathe.

But.... but.... I am not sure that living without the man that I truly love would be worth saving my pride. It is a hard thing to swallow... all that has happened. But, it is something, for now, that I know that I have to do.

He chose me... but, somewhere along the way, he seems to have questioned that choice. It is my responsibility to help him remember why he made that choice. I have to rise above all the very, very real hardships that he has decided to put us through. I have to try to see this from his side.

I have to know that his children would be lost without him... as would I. I have a full life ahead of me with very real goals to accomplish. If that means that I have to put up with his bad decisions along the way... then so be it. It is making me stronger than I ever thought I would be.

It is letting me see that life is not always rosy... but within that, there are roses with thorns that I can avoid.

So, for today, I chose to smell the roses... and keep away from the thorns.

I Miss My Ostrich Existence!

I am not thinking of things the way everyone would say that I should. Everyone would SAY that I should still be reaming him out. Everyone would SAY that I should be pouting and yelling and screaming at him. I should telling him what he can do with his attitude and his texts and his secretary.

But, where would that get me? That would get me alone. That would get me three kids who miss their father. That would get me so desperately unhappy that I am not sure that I could manage.

Am I fooling myself here? I am not sure. I am not sure if I am just talking myself out of what is right, or if I am talking about wisdom. I can't tell.

I don't know if I have the big picture figured out or if I am just ignorant. If, in the long run, everything is going to work itself out anyway... then are these little pitfalls worth the hassle of all the drama and heartache. Isn't there a high road that I should take.

Should I cause all this hurt and pain for myself if, in the end, we are going to be fine? On the other hand, doesn't it take some bleeding out to get to the healing stage? And, I swear, that is what I feel like is happening here. For so long, I have felt this moment coming. Now that it is here, and things are out in the open, I can actually feel the pain. I am no longer just imagining things anymore.

Before, I just supposed. I just wondered and imagined "What would I do if that ever happened to me?" Well... now it is in my face. I am one of those people who has decisions to make. I have a life changing decision to make.

I am an average person with a life changing decision to make. Yeah, I am a grown-up. I get that. But, I don't want to be THAT grown-up. I don't want to make that kind of decision. Can't I just crawl back into the sand? Isn't there some way to forget that I asked and that he was stupid enough to answer?

Why would he tell me? Why would he? And was he telling me the whole truth? How is it that a woman recovers from this? How do I recover from knowing that someone else was his focus?

That is so hard. What is it that I can do to become his focus? I don't want to use sarcasm like "All I did was have his kids". That is why I don't tell my friends. That is what they will throw out. That is the rationale that they will use.

If that mattered, this would have never happened in the first place. He was not thinking on those lines. It was because of that that this happened. She is in an ideal situation to have his attention. She gets the ideal side of him. She doesn't get to have his problems. She doesn't get to have the runny noses at home or the sweet bedheads in the morning to get ready. (She has her own at home with own messed up hair and bathrobe.)

He sees her at work after she has perfected herself and had the nails done and the boobs popped up and neckline pulled down and the necklace perfectly placed for his eyes to see.

I am going on a tangent which is what I didn't want to do....

This isn't productive. I should quit now... before I lead myself farther down a road I don't want to go... this road is bumpy enough

Check the Rules

Heavy only right now. Feel like I have been punched only. And only I feel like I have been punched. He is light on his feet. And eating cake...and ice cream too.

It must be so nice to be in his position. To have both of us. Me here to clean his home and raise his family. And her, at work, on his phone and across his street. Geez, what a soap opera. I think that I need to call the networks. This is better than what is on TV for sure. In this case, however, there are true feelings being stomped all over. And for now, there is just one set.

Hagatha is riding pretty. Her husband continues to ride in ignorance. I think that I will allow that. There is no need for him to know. If it truly is over....then there is no point in him knowing what I know. My pain is enough for both of us, or for anyone of of you out there who feel they need to give their transgransions to. I think that maybe I can hold onto those. This heart is wide open right now.

This is a one chance offer. Because after this, I am afraid that I might become hard. Get that arteriosclerosis you hear people talk about as they get older. I always thought that was a medical term. Now, I am discovering that is only emotional. Get that heart broken hard enough, it will heal itself alright...nice and tight. So tight that it is unwilling to get broken again.. and we all know that the heart leads out to the arteries...THUS hardening of the arteries.

I am going to be one tough ole bat, I am afraid. And that is not a part of myself that I am interested in knowing. I love this man. But, the thought of going through this type of pain ever again....no...just too much for me.

I have to figure out a way to avoid that...

Smartest way...Leave him...Problem there...I love him silly. That doesn't even seem like an option. Meanwhile, he knows this, which leaves Hagatha to do her thing because they both know forgiveness is on the other end.

And it just floors me that there is no regards for the wife and children. Hmmm....

Another option is to rip the red hair out so that she is bald. She looks a bit like a Hoo from Whoville. But, really... who has time for court? Right? Plus, it's not my style...

I have got to take the high road here...not sure what that is. I did talk it out. Didn't take the high road very well at all. Said things that the sailors taught me. Would love to say that I didn't mean them, but I did. Maybe given time, I will take them back...but not yet.

They crossed the line...And then he told me.... What a dumb ass.

Isn't there a rule book somewhere ?

Hagatha

You'd think that I would have known. You would think that I could have seen it. You would think that a highly educated person would know things. But, then again, I am not any more educated then anyone else. So, I went to school. That was just another way of passing the time. I just like to go to school. It is just something I enjoy doing. That doesn't make me any smarter than the girl next door.

AND, speaking of the girl next door... seems like, she is closer to my husband than I am. She has been for quite some time. I have known it. I let our family move in next to her. I let my husband work with her now for over 14 years. Why? Why would I do that? I know why. Because she makes him happy. Because she keeps him organized. Because she helps him do his job.

What is my problem? What in God's name would provoke me to do something like this. I have taken this backwards on a day-by-day look to try to see it for the dysfunctional ride that it is. He has made me believe that he needs her for "the job". But, as of last night, seems like the job was a little bit more involved. There was more to the job than shuffling papers.

The Hagatha across the street that sees my husband every day has now infringed not only on my marraige, but on the lives of my children. How is it that I bring happiness into that? Seems like this will be an ultimate test for me.

I have known. But, in true "head in the sand" fashion, I have believed what I was told so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I have not pushed the issue far enough so that I could maintain solidarity. Now that I know the truth, it seems like I have decisions to make.

It is so true that "Ignorance is Bliss". But, then again, there was this gnawing need to know. There were the endless phone calls. The endless looks and visits and time together. And the shallow explanations that made me look so foolish. And I knew that, but I didn't care because my children still had their father home every night. Don't children deserve that?

Then, I look on the other side of the whole equation. There has to be another side of the equation. There always is. Always. Hagatha has to have something that I don't. Though I see her as the enemy, she must have something that makes her appealing, besides the obvious.

I am not telling the whole story either. And, if truth be told, I am not sure that I know the whole story. I have been lied to for so long that I don't know reality from fiction right now. According to the powers that rule my life right now, this whole "thing" (to give it a real word seems wrong) occured almost two years ago. The problem with that is that they still work together and continue to talk on the phone and text each other constantly. Or did, until I "wised up".

And, again, problem there.... I now have to play detective to see if they are continuing to talk. What the hell? What is that? What kind of marraige is that? I am not being told everything. What kind of person deals with that?

I think the reason that I am even writing this out is because I think that my head migt explode if I don't get it out. I have been lied to for so long, and last night, things were finally admitted. And that is when I realized how delusional I have been. I REALLY did think that there was nothing going on. I REALLY had bought the whole "friends" explanation. I REALLY had.

What is my problem? For years, I have done that. Now, how in the world will I trust? I am 41. That is over half of a life span. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. This man has done so much damage to me. And there was no sorrow there. There were only rationalizations.

To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be. But, contact is contact. And intimacy is intimacy. No, I am tired of being fair. I am tired period. I am tired of Hagatha having my husband. I am tired of Hagatha's ears hearing his voice. I am tired of Hagatha's....

This is new to me. The denial was not good. Now, I have to face head on what I had buried. What I had forced myself not to face because he promised me...

But, why would he promise me that? Why wouldn't he have just let me go? Why wouldn't they have just destroyed the two families that they both had created previously?

Why the drama? What is that? I am bumfuzzled. I am seeing a mid-life crisis play out in in fullest. I don't like it. I am feeling physical pain equal to that of my father's death. It doesn't seem fair. That seriously doesn't seem fair. How could something like this be equal to something so sacred?

I remember that pain. The pain is so similar. Even as I type, the tears fall. The thought of betrayal without regard. The thought of ...

Geez, I would love to write it all out, because it seems like it would be therapeutic, but on the other hand, doesn't seem like it would be prudent.

It feels like my skin is crawling. I can't go back and make it right. I have to deal with this on my own. I can tell no one. I can't tell my family, because the odds are...we will get past this. That is what I do... I swallow things. If I tell anyone, they will hold it against him. I don't want that for him.

I would LOVE to walk over to Hagatha's and punch her right in the face. I have never wanted to do anything like that in my life. That is so childish. I would love to go over there...and again...she is right across the street, and ruin her life. Tell her husband...tell the neighbors that she is so close to. Tell everyone what a hag she is.

They still work together every day. What am I supposed to do? Walk out? Where will that get me? I have three children. Three. I will be in a small apartment for the rest of my life. On a teacher's salary. My children will be without their father. That doesn't seem like a reasonable solution. They didn't cause this. It is not their fault at all.

Trying to see my place in all of this. I refuse to believe that I don't have a place in this. I want to see it and make my place right. That will help. Right now, it is hard to see. For, in my mind, I see a very different picture and it is quite vivid.

I wonder how long that will last. I wonder how long I will see that. It hasn't even been 12 hours yet... so I know that it is all very raw right now. I know that I am just tender right now. I know that I have the power of forgiveness. I have used it many times.

This time, however, I am wondering if that is just nieve. And I think that he just knows that about me. I think he has used that for many years now to his advantage. And I see where that has gotten me. Across the street from Hagatha. I still cannot believe that I moved in across the street from her. My gut instinct told me not to. I have had dinner over there several times, for God's sake.

What a mess. I cannot even believe that I am writing about this. I can't believe that I am part of such a dysfunctional situation. It's just not my thing. But, then again...I guess it it is.

I'm not the picket fence I thought that I would grow up to be. I surely tried. I want to be so mad at both of them for tearing that part of my life down, but I am only sad. This is a sad that I don't know how to process. He doesn't know how to help me, or chooses not to. I can't tell.

If I can get through this one...I may have to grow a gadget arm to a pat myself on the back. This is tough....

Back in the saddle?

How is it that I follow my own advice? How is it that I stay on top of the game? I was writing so good there for awhile, and then I just got off the bandwagon. Life got in my way.

I love my job. There is no doubt about that. I love what I do. What is getting in the way is the wet blanket that is in my home. Why can't he see the big picture? He is causing me to lose faith, and that is just not what I am about. I have faith in everything. I have always been able to see the big picture. It is almost like he is wanting me to lose faith. That is just not my M.O. That is not the way I operate.

On the one hand, I put my head in the sand and don't look at the negative side of things. I refuse to see it. Reason being...I just know that in the end...he will just take care of it. He always has. And now, he is just rolling over. He has lost hope because of the downward spiral.

I have no idea how to help him. I have to know that there is something that I can do. I just don't know what that is...I don't know what my role is in all of this. I have to play a role in all of this. It is my life. Everyone plays a role in their own life. Everyone changes the events in their own lives. Every action that a person does changes the events that occur in their lives. And this time, I don't know what to do to help our situation.

This whole financial backslide has gotten us. I am only one person, and he seems to be hell bent on letting us just lay down and take us over. For God's sake! We were on top. This is what he does. He fixes things. Why won't he fix this?! And, again, the thing is... This is not about the money. This is not about the money. This is NOT about the money. This is about being happy. He is not happy, therefore noone else in this house is happy.

Nooooo, I take that back. I am exhausting all energy that I have to be happy. I am trying to make sure that my children have no idea what is going on. This has been going on for over a year. It is completely exhausting---I am just exhausted. I am writing it out, because I can't talk it out.

And the thing is... I have had to stop typing about 10 times, just these few paragraphs, because I have children who have come in here over and over just to see what Mom is doing. There seems to be no time just to sort the whole thing out. If there was just a way to step out of it all and breathe for just a minute and see this for what it was.

A moment in time that is downtime. A pitfall that will work itself out. A friend of mine just went to Africa where the children have to start working at the age of 6. That is surely not what we are going through. But, then again, it is all relative. If I have to live with a man that is going to have a breakdown, or rather, is going through a breakdown...isn't unhappiness relative?

I can't tell on that one. I really don't know. I know that we make our own happiness. I know that when he is not here, we can find a way to be happy. That is not to say that I do not want him here. That is to say that I want him to be happy. I want him to be here, with us, and to be happy. That is where I have to find a way to get into this picture and make choices that will make him happy.

How to do that? How to do that? What to do? How is it that I will do things to help him make the money that will bring him happiness. Because for him, that is what he needs right now. He has gotten us so far into debt that he can't see straight. I don't believe that the debt is my fault. He caused that himself.

But that is not relative. That does not matter. There is nothing that I can do about that. I just want him to find a way out of the depression so that he can find his way out of the hole.

He is okay with moving... that is where I have a problem. I don't want to move my children again. They love where we are. I don't think that it is fair to make them move, yet again, from their home because their father could not control himself. Also, because their father cannot get himself up out of his downward spiral. That is not their fault.

We will be stuck in that house for so long. This is my anger talking and maybe it needs to talk for awhile and get itself out of my head so that I can think straight. I don't know... I don't like myself when I think so negatively about this man that I love. This seems so petty of me. He doesn't want to be this person.. but then, maybe he does. Why else would he do the things that he does?

Oh, another child coming into the room... I have griped enough.. this isn't productive...I have a million dollars to make.. I still know that it will come.

2 steps back... that is all this is. My faith is unwavering. I am on this episode of PUNKED, and I don't think it is funny anymore....

What was I thinking?

Sitting here with my head all full of noodles. Which topic to write on? I am wanting to write all the time, but I feel like I am running out of time. I start my job in a couple of weeks and when I do I feel like I won't have time to do anything. I have spent about an hour a day with this blog and once the job starts, it will be get up at five, get myself ready, get three kiddos ready, get all of our stuff ready, then...

Go to work. Come home from work, get three kids and their homework done... get dinner cooked, get them to all their extra curricular activities, get all their stuff ready for the next day. Yeah, I am not going to have time for myself anymore. Is that a rough life? Am I complaining about my rough life? It surely sounds like I am...

I am wanting to slap myself up one side and down the other. I would imagine that I could do all of those things in about an hour if I needed to... and here is the thing... I have the health and the ability to do those things...AND I am complaining about them... STILL.

Ugh and Ugh again. I guess it is because the deadline is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am sitting here at 2 pm in the afternoon with my feet propped up on a desk writing on a computer. I was doing laundry last night at midnight just because that is when I got to it... Oh, and Oh, guess what I did after I did the laundry...Geez Louise and Lois...

I added some songs to my Ipod. And after I did that, I went to my son's list of songs to check and make sure that he wasn't downloading anything that I would think was just too awful. He is fourteen and we try to keep an eye on what he listens to and watches.

HOWEVER, I went through this phase recently where I thought that I would give him freedom. Because he is a good kid. He does make very good grades. He can play the hell out of the guitar and does so for several hours a day. Which shows incredible discipline on his part. He doesn't cuss or smoke or drink (you know how all those 14 year olds do that). But, for the most part, he really is a good kid.

Because he does play the guitar and downloads anything that is hard-core (don't I sound cool?) guitar, some of the song lyrics have a few wirty dords in them. I have let it slide because when he does download them, he really does learn to play them. I don't hear him talking the talk. Even with his friends. He can play Freebryd or he can that new-fangled Rock and Roll that they listen to. And he writes his own to go with it.

I have little doubt that he will be playing for the rest of his life. He just spent 600 dollars of his own money on speakers to play in the Christian rock band at church. And his friends have formed a rock band of their own....

HOWEVER.... last night, while going through my well-disciplined, not-my-child's list of songs, there were a few that were not so well. He is 14 and was given freedom on I-tunes. What was I thinking? I haven't checked his list in about a month. Have you guys seen what is out there?

I may be 41, but this has got to be different from what our grandparents saw in Elvis and his pelvis. This stuff is so vile and the language is so used so graphically that I just couldn't believe that some label puts it out there.

I promise, I am not a prude. Seriously. But, the front of the album had a picture of a man with...nope, can't even go there... but, my son was allowed to... And, yes, I want to blame the labels.. but, I can't even do it. He is my son. Isn't it my responsibility every night to go on that computer and check that account? I have given him the freedom to just order any ole song that he wants because I thought that he had the maturity to pick and choose music that was appropriate for him.

What? What?... I am remembering what I was like at 14...

Well, first of all. I am not a boy. Second of all, I liked Sean Cassidy and The Osmonds. Also, I am wanting so badly to blame this on his friends and say that they told him to do it. And they did. Someone had to tell him about it. I do believe that much... but still... I allow the access.

I know that I can't shelter him from everything, but to think that with my credit card, he ordered it. What is my problem? I surely hope that I am not making my son sound like this horrible person, because he is really cream of the crop.

But, so is every other child on this planet.. and then something happens. Somewhere along the way, guidance slips away. We forget that they really do need us in there showing them what is appropriate and what is not. They assume that if something is for sale, then it is okay to buy it.
If something is out there to watch, then it is okay to look.

It is my role to teach my children, and this time I fell short. I was thinking that I was smothering him, so I wanted to loosen up those reins. In doing so, I gave him enough freedom to see the slimy side of life. And it made me feel very slimy.

He and I have a very close relationship. And we had a very "close" talk about music last night. When I got up this morning I watched the videos that go along with the songs. I almost threw up. What if he has seen those? I guess I have another talk coming...

Wonder what our grandparents told their kids about Elvis??