Heavy only right now. Feel like I have been punched only. And only I feel like I have been punched. He is light on his feet. And eating cake...and ice cream too.
It must be so nice to be in his position. To have both of us. Me here to clean his home and raise his family. And her, at work, on his phone and across his street. Geez, what a soap opera. I think that I need to call the networks. This is better than what is on TV for sure. In this case, however, there are true feelings being stomped all over. And for now, there is just one set.
Hagatha is riding pretty. Her husband continues to ride in ignorance. I think that I will allow that. There is no need for him to know. If it truly is over....then there is no point in him knowing what I know. My pain is enough for both of us, or for anyone of of you out there who feel they need to give their transgransions to. I think that maybe I can hold onto those. This heart is wide open right now.
This is a one chance offer. Because after this, I am afraid that I might become hard. Get that arteriosclerosis you hear people talk about as they get older. I always thought that was a medical term. Now, I am discovering that is only emotional. Get that heart broken hard enough, it will heal itself alright...nice and tight. So tight that it is unwilling to get broken again.. and we all know that the heart leads out to the arteries...THUS hardening of the arteries.
I am going to be one tough ole bat, I am afraid. And that is not a part of myself that I am interested in knowing. I love this man. But, the thought of going through this type of pain ever again....no...just too much for me.
I have to figure out a way to avoid that...
Smartest way...Leave him...Problem there...I love him silly. That doesn't even seem like an option. Meanwhile, he knows this, which leaves Hagatha to do her thing because they both know forgiveness is on the other end.
And it just floors me that there is no regards for the wife and children. Hmmm....
Another option is to rip the red hair out so that she is bald. She looks a bit like a Hoo from Whoville. But, really... who has time for court? Right? Plus, it's not my style...
I have got to take the high road here...not sure what that is. I did talk it out. Didn't take the high road very well at all. Said things that the sailors taught me. Would love to say that I didn't mean them, but I did. Maybe given time, I will take them back...but not yet.
They crossed the line...And then he told me.... What a dumb ass.
Isn't there a rule book somewhere ?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Hagatha
You'd think that I would have known. You would think that I could have seen it. You would think that a highly educated person would know things. But, then again, I am not any more educated then anyone else. So, I went to school. That was just another way of passing the time. I just like to go to school. It is just something I enjoy doing. That doesn't make me any smarter than the girl next door.
AND, speaking of the girl next door... seems like, she is closer to my husband than I am. She has been for quite some time. I have known it. I let our family move in next to her. I let my husband work with her now for over 14 years. Why? Why would I do that? I know why. Because she makes him happy. Because she keeps him organized. Because she helps him do his job.
What is my problem? What in God's name would provoke me to do something like this. I have taken this backwards on a day-by-day look to try to see it for the dysfunctional ride that it is. He has made me believe that he needs her for "the job". But, as of last night, seems like the job was a little bit more involved. There was more to the job than shuffling papers.
The Hagatha across the street that sees my husband every day has now infringed not only on my marraige, but on the lives of my children. How is it that I bring happiness into that? Seems like this will be an ultimate test for me.
I have known. But, in true "head in the sand" fashion, I have believed what I was told so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I have not pushed the issue far enough so that I could maintain solidarity. Now that I know the truth, it seems like I have decisions to make.
It is so true that "Ignorance is Bliss". But, then again, there was this gnawing need to know. There were the endless phone calls. The endless looks and visits and time together. And the shallow explanations that made me look so foolish. And I knew that, but I didn't care because my children still had their father home every night. Don't children deserve that?
Then, I look on the other side of the whole equation. There has to be another side of the equation. There always is. Always. Hagatha has to have something that I don't. Though I see her as the enemy, she must have something that makes her appealing, besides the obvious.
I am not telling the whole story either. And, if truth be told, I am not sure that I know the whole story. I have been lied to for so long that I don't know reality from fiction right now. According to the powers that rule my life right now, this whole "thing" (to give it a real word seems wrong) occured almost two years ago. The problem with that is that they still work together and continue to talk on the phone and text each other constantly. Or did, until I "wised up".
And, again, problem there.... I now have to play detective to see if they are continuing to talk. What the hell? What is that? What kind of marraige is that? I am not being told everything. What kind of person deals with that?
I think the reason that I am even writing this out is because I think that my head migt explode if I don't get it out. I have been lied to for so long, and last night, things were finally admitted. And that is when I realized how delusional I have been. I REALLY did think that there was nothing going on. I REALLY had bought the whole "friends" explanation. I REALLY had.
What is my problem? For years, I have done that. Now, how in the world will I trust? I am 41. That is over half of a life span. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. This man has done so much damage to me. And there was no sorrow there. There were only rationalizations.
To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be. But, contact is contact. And intimacy is intimacy. No, I am tired of being fair. I am tired period. I am tired of Hagatha having my husband. I am tired of Hagatha's ears hearing his voice. I am tired of Hagatha's....
This is new to me. The denial was not good. Now, I have to face head on what I had buried. What I had forced myself not to face because he promised me...
But, why would he promise me that? Why wouldn't he have just let me go? Why wouldn't they have just destroyed the two families that they both had created previously?
Why the drama? What is that? I am bumfuzzled. I am seeing a mid-life crisis play out in in fullest. I don't like it. I am feeling physical pain equal to that of my father's death. It doesn't seem fair. That seriously doesn't seem fair. How could something like this be equal to something so sacred?
I remember that pain. The pain is so similar. Even as I type, the tears fall. The thought of betrayal without regard. The thought of ...
Geez, I would love to write it all out, because it seems like it would be therapeutic, but on the other hand, doesn't seem like it would be prudent.
It feels like my skin is crawling. I can't go back and make it right. I have to deal with this on my own. I can tell no one. I can't tell my family, because the odds are...we will get past this. That is what I do... I swallow things. If I tell anyone, they will hold it against him. I don't want that for him.
I would LOVE to walk over to Hagatha's and punch her right in the face. I have never wanted to do anything like that in my life. That is so childish. I would love to go over there...and again...she is right across the street, and ruin her life. Tell her husband...tell the neighbors that she is so close to. Tell everyone what a hag she is.
They still work together every day. What am I supposed to do? Walk out? Where will that get me? I have three children. Three. I will be in a small apartment for the rest of my life. On a teacher's salary. My children will be without their father. That doesn't seem like a reasonable solution. They didn't cause this. It is not their fault at all.
Trying to see my place in all of this. I refuse to believe that I don't have a place in this. I want to see it and make my place right. That will help. Right now, it is hard to see. For, in my mind, I see a very different picture and it is quite vivid.
I wonder how long that will last. I wonder how long I will see that. It hasn't even been 12 hours yet... so I know that it is all very raw right now. I know that I am just tender right now. I know that I have the power of forgiveness. I have used it many times.
This time, however, I am wondering if that is just nieve. And I think that he just knows that about me. I think he has used that for many years now to his advantage. And I see where that has gotten me. Across the street from Hagatha. I still cannot believe that I moved in across the street from her. My gut instinct told me not to. I have had dinner over there several times, for God's sake.
What a mess. I cannot even believe that I am writing about this. I can't believe that I am part of such a dysfunctional situation. It's just not my thing. But, then again...I guess it it is.
I'm not the picket fence I thought that I would grow up to be. I surely tried. I want to be so mad at both of them for tearing that part of my life down, but I am only sad. This is a sad that I don't know how to process. He doesn't know how to help me, or chooses not to. I can't tell.
If I can get through this one...I may have to grow a gadget arm to a pat myself on the back. This is tough....
AND, speaking of the girl next door... seems like, she is closer to my husband than I am. She has been for quite some time. I have known it. I let our family move in next to her. I let my husband work with her now for over 14 years. Why? Why would I do that? I know why. Because she makes him happy. Because she keeps him organized. Because she helps him do his job.
What is my problem? What in God's name would provoke me to do something like this. I have taken this backwards on a day-by-day look to try to see it for the dysfunctional ride that it is. He has made me believe that he needs her for "the job". But, as of last night, seems like the job was a little bit more involved. There was more to the job than shuffling papers.
The Hagatha across the street that sees my husband every day has now infringed not only on my marraige, but on the lives of my children. How is it that I bring happiness into that? Seems like this will be an ultimate test for me.
I have known. But, in true "head in the sand" fashion, I have believed what I was told so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I have not pushed the issue far enough so that I could maintain solidarity. Now that I know the truth, it seems like I have decisions to make.
It is so true that "Ignorance is Bliss". But, then again, there was this gnawing need to know. There were the endless phone calls. The endless looks and visits and time together. And the shallow explanations that made me look so foolish. And I knew that, but I didn't care because my children still had their father home every night. Don't children deserve that?
Then, I look on the other side of the whole equation. There has to be another side of the equation. There always is. Always. Hagatha has to have something that I don't. Though I see her as the enemy, she must have something that makes her appealing, besides the obvious.
I am not telling the whole story either. And, if truth be told, I am not sure that I know the whole story. I have been lied to for so long that I don't know reality from fiction right now. According to the powers that rule my life right now, this whole "thing" (to give it a real word seems wrong) occured almost two years ago. The problem with that is that they still work together and continue to talk on the phone and text each other constantly. Or did, until I "wised up".
And, again, problem there.... I now have to play detective to see if they are continuing to talk. What the hell? What is that? What kind of marraige is that? I am not being told everything. What kind of person deals with that?
I think the reason that I am even writing this out is because I think that my head migt explode if I don't get it out. I have been lied to for so long, and last night, things were finally admitted. And that is when I realized how delusional I have been. I REALLY did think that there was nothing going on. I REALLY had bought the whole "friends" explanation. I REALLY had.
What is my problem? For years, I have done that. Now, how in the world will I trust? I am 41. That is over half of a life span. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. This man has done so much damage to me. And there was no sorrow there. There were only rationalizations.
To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be. But, contact is contact. And intimacy is intimacy. No, I am tired of being fair. I am tired period. I am tired of Hagatha having my husband. I am tired of Hagatha's ears hearing his voice. I am tired of Hagatha's....
This is new to me. The denial was not good. Now, I have to face head on what I had buried. What I had forced myself not to face because he promised me...
But, why would he promise me that? Why wouldn't he have just let me go? Why wouldn't they have just destroyed the two families that they both had created previously?
Why the drama? What is that? I am bumfuzzled. I am seeing a mid-life crisis play out in in fullest. I don't like it. I am feeling physical pain equal to that of my father's death. It doesn't seem fair. That seriously doesn't seem fair. How could something like this be equal to something so sacred?
I remember that pain. The pain is so similar. Even as I type, the tears fall. The thought of betrayal without regard. The thought of ...
Geez, I would love to write it all out, because it seems like it would be therapeutic, but on the other hand, doesn't seem like it would be prudent.
It feels like my skin is crawling. I can't go back and make it right. I have to deal with this on my own. I can tell no one. I can't tell my family, because the odds are...we will get past this. That is what I do... I swallow things. If I tell anyone, they will hold it against him. I don't want that for him.
I would LOVE to walk over to Hagatha's and punch her right in the face. I have never wanted to do anything like that in my life. That is so childish. I would love to go over there...and again...she is right across the street, and ruin her life. Tell her husband...tell the neighbors that she is so close to. Tell everyone what a hag she is.
They still work together every day. What am I supposed to do? Walk out? Where will that get me? I have three children. Three. I will be in a small apartment for the rest of my life. On a teacher's salary. My children will be without their father. That doesn't seem like a reasonable solution. They didn't cause this. It is not their fault at all.
Trying to see my place in all of this. I refuse to believe that I don't have a place in this. I want to see it and make my place right. That will help. Right now, it is hard to see. For, in my mind, I see a very different picture and it is quite vivid.
I wonder how long that will last. I wonder how long I will see that. It hasn't even been 12 hours yet... so I know that it is all very raw right now. I know that I am just tender right now. I know that I have the power of forgiveness. I have used it many times.
This time, however, I am wondering if that is just nieve. And I think that he just knows that about me. I think he has used that for many years now to his advantage. And I see where that has gotten me. Across the street from Hagatha. I still cannot believe that I moved in across the street from her. My gut instinct told me not to. I have had dinner over there several times, for God's sake.
What a mess. I cannot even believe that I am writing about this. I can't believe that I am part of such a dysfunctional situation. It's just not my thing. But, then again...I guess it it is.
I'm not the picket fence I thought that I would grow up to be. I surely tried. I want to be so mad at both of them for tearing that part of my life down, but I am only sad. This is a sad that I don't know how to process. He doesn't know how to help me, or chooses not to. I can't tell.
If I can get through this one...I may have to grow a gadget arm to a pat myself on the back. This is tough....
Friday, January 9, 2009
Back in the saddle?
How is it that I follow my own advice? How is it that I stay on top of the game? I was writing so good there for awhile, and then I just got off the bandwagon. Life got in my way.
I love my job. There is no doubt about that. I love what I do. What is getting in the way is the wet blanket that is in my home. Why can't he see the big picture? He is causing me to lose faith, and that is just not what I am about. I have faith in everything. I have always been able to see the big picture. It is almost like he is wanting me to lose faith. That is just not my M.O. That is not the way I operate.
On the one hand, I put my head in the sand and don't look at the negative side of things. I refuse to see it. Reason being...I just know that in the end...he will just take care of it. He always has. And now, he is just rolling over. He has lost hope because of the downward spiral.
I have no idea how to help him. I have to know that there is something that I can do. I just don't know what that is...I don't know what my role is in all of this. I have to play a role in all of this. It is my life. Everyone plays a role in their own life. Everyone changes the events in their own lives. Every action that a person does changes the events that occur in their lives. And this time, I don't know what to do to help our situation.
This whole financial backslide has gotten us. I am only one person, and he seems to be hell bent on letting us just lay down and take us over. For God's sake! We were on top. This is what he does. He fixes things. Why won't he fix this?! And, again, the thing is... This is not about the money. This is not about the money. This is NOT about the money. This is about being happy. He is not happy, therefore noone else in this house is happy.
Nooooo, I take that back. I am exhausting all energy that I have to be happy. I am trying to make sure that my children have no idea what is going on. This has been going on for over a year. It is completely exhausting---I am just exhausted. I am writing it out, because I can't talk it out.
And the thing is... I have had to stop typing about 10 times, just these few paragraphs, because I have children who have come in here over and over just to see what Mom is doing. There seems to be no time just to sort the whole thing out. If there was just a way to step out of it all and breathe for just a minute and see this for what it was.
A moment in time that is downtime. A pitfall that will work itself out. A friend of mine just went to Africa where the children have to start working at the age of 6. That is surely not what we are going through. But, then again, it is all relative. If I have to live with a man that is going to have a breakdown, or rather, is going through a breakdown...isn't unhappiness relative?
I can't tell on that one. I really don't know. I know that we make our own happiness. I know that when he is not here, we can find a way to be happy. That is not to say that I do not want him here. That is to say that I want him to be happy. I want him to be here, with us, and to be happy. That is where I have to find a way to get into this picture and make choices that will make him happy.
How to do that? How to do that? What to do? How is it that I will do things to help him make the money that will bring him happiness. Because for him, that is what he needs right now. He has gotten us so far into debt that he can't see straight. I don't believe that the debt is my fault. He caused that himself.
But that is not relative. That does not matter. There is nothing that I can do about that. I just want him to find a way out of the depression so that he can find his way out of the hole.
He is okay with moving... that is where I have a problem. I don't want to move my children again. They love where we are. I don't think that it is fair to make them move, yet again, from their home because their father could not control himself. Also, because their father cannot get himself up out of his downward spiral. That is not their fault.
We will be stuck in that house for so long. This is my anger talking and maybe it needs to talk for awhile and get itself out of my head so that I can think straight. I don't know... I don't like myself when I think so negatively about this man that I love. This seems so petty of me. He doesn't want to be this person.. but then, maybe he does. Why else would he do the things that he does?
Oh, another child coming into the room... I have griped enough.. this isn't productive...I have a million dollars to make.. I still know that it will come.
2 steps back... that is all this is. My faith is unwavering. I am on this episode of PUNKED, and I don't think it is funny anymore....
I love my job. There is no doubt about that. I love what I do. What is getting in the way is the wet blanket that is in my home. Why can't he see the big picture? He is causing me to lose faith, and that is just not what I am about. I have faith in everything. I have always been able to see the big picture. It is almost like he is wanting me to lose faith. That is just not my M.O. That is not the way I operate.
On the one hand, I put my head in the sand and don't look at the negative side of things. I refuse to see it. Reason being...I just know that in the end...he will just take care of it. He always has. And now, he is just rolling over. He has lost hope because of the downward spiral.
I have no idea how to help him. I have to know that there is something that I can do. I just don't know what that is...I don't know what my role is in all of this. I have to play a role in all of this. It is my life. Everyone plays a role in their own life. Everyone changes the events in their own lives. Every action that a person does changes the events that occur in their lives. And this time, I don't know what to do to help our situation.
This whole financial backslide has gotten us. I am only one person, and he seems to be hell bent on letting us just lay down and take us over. For God's sake! We were on top. This is what he does. He fixes things. Why won't he fix this?! And, again, the thing is... This is not about the money. This is not about the money. This is NOT about the money. This is about being happy. He is not happy, therefore noone else in this house is happy.
Nooooo, I take that back. I am exhausting all energy that I have to be happy. I am trying to make sure that my children have no idea what is going on. This has been going on for over a year. It is completely exhausting---I am just exhausted. I am writing it out, because I can't talk it out.
And the thing is... I have had to stop typing about 10 times, just these few paragraphs, because I have children who have come in here over and over just to see what Mom is doing. There seems to be no time just to sort the whole thing out. If there was just a way to step out of it all and breathe for just a minute and see this for what it was.
A moment in time that is downtime. A pitfall that will work itself out. A friend of mine just went to Africa where the children have to start working at the age of 6. That is surely not what we are going through. But, then again, it is all relative. If I have to live with a man that is going to have a breakdown, or rather, is going through a breakdown...isn't unhappiness relative?
I can't tell on that one. I really don't know. I know that we make our own happiness. I know that when he is not here, we can find a way to be happy. That is not to say that I do not want him here. That is to say that I want him to be happy. I want him to be here, with us, and to be happy. That is where I have to find a way to get into this picture and make choices that will make him happy.
How to do that? How to do that? What to do? How is it that I will do things to help him make the money that will bring him happiness. Because for him, that is what he needs right now. He has gotten us so far into debt that he can't see straight. I don't believe that the debt is my fault. He caused that himself.
But that is not relative. That does not matter. There is nothing that I can do about that. I just want him to find a way out of the depression so that he can find his way out of the hole.
He is okay with moving... that is where I have a problem. I don't want to move my children again. They love where we are. I don't think that it is fair to make them move, yet again, from their home because their father could not control himself. Also, because their father cannot get himself up out of his downward spiral. That is not their fault.
We will be stuck in that house for so long. This is my anger talking and maybe it needs to talk for awhile and get itself out of my head so that I can think straight. I don't know... I don't like myself when I think so negatively about this man that I love. This seems so petty of me. He doesn't want to be this person.. but then, maybe he does. Why else would he do the things that he does?
Oh, another child coming into the room... I have griped enough.. this isn't productive...I have a million dollars to make.. I still know that it will come.
2 steps back... that is all this is. My faith is unwavering. I am on this episode of PUNKED, and I don't think it is funny anymore....
Sunday, July 13, 2008
What was I thinking?
Sitting here with my head all full of noodles. Which topic to write on? I am wanting to write all the time, but I feel like I am running out of time. I start my job in a couple of weeks and when I do I feel like I won't have time to do anything. I have spent about an hour a day with this blog and once the job starts, it will be get up at five, get myself ready, get three kiddos ready, get all of our stuff ready, then...
Go to work. Come home from work, get three kids and their homework done... get dinner cooked, get them to all their extra curricular activities, get all their stuff ready for the next day. Yeah, I am not going to have time for myself anymore. Is that a rough life? Am I complaining about my rough life? It surely sounds like I am...
I am wanting to slap myself up one side and down the other. I would imagine that I could do all of those things in about an hour if I needed to... and here is the thing... I have the health and the ability to do those things...AND I am complaining about them... STILL.
Ugh and Ugh again. I guess it is because the deadline is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am sitting here at 2 pm in the afternoon with my feet propped up on a desk writing on a computer. I was doing laundry last night at midnight just because that is when I got to it... Oh, and Oh, guess what I did after I did the laundry...Geez Louise and Lois...
I added some songs to my Ipod. And after I did that, I went to my son's list of songs to check and make sure that he wasn't downloading anything that I would think was just too awful. He is fourteen and we try to keep an eye on what he listens to and watches.
HOWEVER, I went through this phase recently where I thought that I would give him freedom. Because he is a good kid. He does make very good grades. He can play the hell out of the guitar and does so for several hours a day. Which shows incredible discipline on his part. He doesn't cuss or smoke or drink (you know how all those 14 year olds do that). But, for the most part, he really is a good kid.
Because he does play the guitar and downloads anything that is hard-core (don't I sound cool?) guitar, some of the song lyrics have a few wirty dords in them. I have let it slide because when he does download them, he really does learn to play them. I don't hear him talking the talk. Even with his friends. He can play Freebryd or he can that new-fangled Rock and Roll that they listen to. And he writes his own to go with it.
I have little doubt that he will be playing for the rest of his life. He just spent 600 dollars of his own money on speakers to play in the Christian rock band at church. And his friends have formed a rock band of their own....
HOWEVER.... last night, while going through my well-disciplined, not-my-child's list of songs, there were a few that were not so well. He is 14 and was given freedom on I-tunes. What was I thinking? I haven't checked his list in about a month. Have you guys seen what is out there?
I may be 41, but this has got to be different from what our grandparents saw in Elvis and his pelvis. This stuff is so vile and the language is so used so graphically that I just couldn't believe that some label puts it out there.
I promise, I am not a prude. Seriously. But, the front of the album had a picture of a man with...nope, can't even go there... but, my son was allowed to... And, yes, I want to blame the labels.. but, I can't even do it. He is my son. Isn't it my responsibility every night to go on that computer and check that account? I have given him the freedom to just order any ole song that he wants because I thought that he had the maturity to pick and choose music that was appropriate for him.
What? What?... I am remembering what I was like at 14...
Well, first of all. I am not a boy. Second of all, I liked Sean Cassidy and The Osmonds. Also, I am wanting so badly to blame this on his friends and say that they told him to do it. And they did. Someone had to tell him about it. I do believe that much... but still... I allow the access.
I know that I can't shelter him from everything, but to think that with my credit card, he ordered it. What is my problem? I surely hope that I am not making my son sound like this horrible person, because he is really cream of the crop.
But, so is every other child on this planet.. and then something happens. Somewhere along the way, guidance slips away. We forget that they really do need us in there showing them what is appropriate and what is not. They assume that if something is for sale, then it is okay to buy it.
If something is out there to watch, then it is okay to look.
It is my role to teach my children, and this time I fell short. I was thinking that I was smothering him, so I wanted to loosen up those reins. In doing so, I gave him enough freedom to see the slimy side of life. And it made me feel very slimy.
He and I have a very close relationship. And we had a very "close" talk about music last night. When I got up this morning I watched the videos that go along with the songs. I almost threw up. What if he has seen those? I guess I have another talk coming...
Wonder what our grandparents told their kids about Elvis??
Go to work. Come home from work, get three kids and their homework done... get dinner cooked, get them to all their extra curricular activities, get all their stuff ready for the next day. Yeah, I am not going to have time for myself anymore. Is that a rough life? Am I complaining about my rough life? It surely sounds like I am...
I am wanting to slap myself up one side and down the other. I would imagine that I could do all of those things in about an hour if I needed to... and here is the thing... I have the health and the ability to do those things...AND I am complaining about them... STILL.
Ugh and Ugh again. I guess it is because the deadline is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am sitting here at 2 pm in the afternoon with my feet propped up on a desk writing on a computer. I was doing laundry last night at midnight just because that is when I got to it... Oh, and Oh, guess what I did after I did the laundry...Geez Louise and Lois...
I added some songs to my Ipod. And after I did that, I went to my son's list of songs to check and make sure that he wasn't downloading anything that I would think was just too awful. He is fourteen and we try to keep an eye on what he listens to and watches.
HOWEVER, I went through this phase recently where I thought that I would give him freedom. Because he is a good kid. He does make very good grades. He can play the hell out of the guitar and does so for several hours a day. Which shows incredible discipline on his part. He doesn't cuss or smoke or drink (you know how all those 14 year olds do that). But, for the most part, he really is a good kid.
Because he does play the guitar and downloads anything that is hard-core (don't I sound cool?) guitar, some of the song lyrics have a few wirty dords in them. I have let it slide because when he does download them, he really does learn to play them. I don't hear him talking the talk. Even with his friends. He can play Freebryd or he can that new-fangled Rock and Roll that they listen to. And he writes his own to go with it.
I have little doubt that he will be playing for the rest of his life. He just spent 600 dollars of his own money on speakers to play in the Christian rock band at church. And his friends have formed a rock band of their own....
HOWEVER.... last night, while going through my well-disciplined, not-my-child's list of songs, there were a few that were not so well. He is 14 and was given freedom on I-tunes. What was I thinking? I haven't checked his list in about a month. Have you guys seen what is out there?
I may be 41, but this has got to be different from what our grandparents saw in Elvis and his pelvis. This stuff is so vile and the language is so used so graphically that I just couldn't believe that some label puts it out there.
I promise, I am not a prude. Seriously. But, the front of the album had a picture of a man with...nope, can't even go there... but, my son was allowed to... And, yes, I want to blame the labels.. but, I can't even do it. He is my son. Isn't it my responsibility every night to go on that computer and check that account? I have given him the freedom to just order any ole song that he wants because I thought that he had the maturity to pick and choose music that was appropriate for him.
What? What?... I am remembering what I was like at 14...
Well, first of all. I am not a boy. Second of all, I liked Sean Cassidy and The Osmonds. Also, I am wanting so badly to blame this on his friends and say that they told him to do it. And they did. Someone had to tell him about it. I do believe that much... but still... I allow the access.
I know that I can't shelter him from everything, but to think that with my credit card, he ordered it. What is my problem? I surely hope that I am not making my son sound like this horrible person, because he is really cream of the crop.
But, so is every other child on this planet.. and then something happens. Somewhere along the way, guidance slips away. We forget that they really do need us in there showing them what is appropriate and what is not. They assume that if something is for sale, then it is okay to buy it.
If something is out there to watch, then it is okay to look.
It is my role to teach my children, and this time I fell short. I was thinking that I was smothering him, so I wanted to loosen up those reins. In doing so, I gave him enough freedom to see the slimy side of life. And it made me feel very slimy.
He and I have a very close relationship. And we had a very "close" talk about music last night. When I got up this morning I watched the videos that go along with the songs. I almost threw up. What if he has seen those? I guess I have another talk coming...
Wonder what our grandparents told their kids about Elvis??
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Midnight Hour
Well... to update a bit. I haven't done that in a while, on the money front anyway. I don't want to get too detailed about our finances, because I am not sure how prudent it would be too put our bank accounts all over the Internet, right?
But, since I started saving just 20 dollars in the beginning... I have managed to build up a really big savings so far. It is a "do not touch" account. I am seeing that I can pull out more and more from our main account or from the grocery store each time I go, you know, ten or twenty. And, I am telling you... it is building and building. And it is not small change.
And what is happening is that now things are turning around for us. Just a few months ago, my husband was ready to throw in the towel. Which was so frustrating for me, because that is just not his style. If you have been reading this all along, then you know how I feel about him and his work ethic.
He likes to work and fix problems, and he had all but given up. He works in the mortgage industry, and we all know what is going on in that industry. But, I have to say that I really do believe that he is one of the honest ones. He has been in the industry for a long time and he has lost many loans because he has been brutally honest with folks in telling them... "You know, you just can't afford this one."
And now that it is a rough time there, he is feeling the crunch. But.. but.. I truly do believe that because of his standards that he will prevail here. He spends more time worrying about the actual customer than the paperwork. This isn't an ad for my husband... You guys don't even know who he is...
I guess I am just writing it out because I listen to all the hype about all the crooked mortgage lenders out there, and I know that there are actually many out there that really are in it for the right reasons. Just as there are in any profession.
For example, and again, just writing it out, and seeing it from both sides...because I know how it feels to go and buy a car. I assume that the person selling me the car is only in it to con me some how.. they are only in it to get all my money. To screw me over in the end. But, what if they are really only there to help me find a car? (Yeah, right, huh?)
But, here's the thing... I see the the other side of the equation of his job... at least my husband's....
He came in absolutely exhausted at midnight last night after going in at seven yesterday morning. (And this is not uncommon... at all) He was exasperated...
To back up a bit... Last week, On the 4th.. on the way to a party, he got a call from a man whom he had never met. Our family was in the car. The man asked him what the current interest rate was for homes. Tony told him. The man, in frustration (which I, myself, have felt, but have never had the nerve to do) began to accuse Tony of not telling him the truth. Tony assured him that he had no control of the rates and so on. And since our family was in the car, it was a bit of a tense moment.
I have been there so many times when Tony has talked business over the phone. For his hours never stop. And, the endless questions that he answers go on and on. And I get that because buying a house is ridiculously complicated.
ANYWAY... nothing could be done on the 4th, so it had to wait until this week.. and in the end, the man on the phone did decide to use Tony as his mortgage lender. But, it has been a bit strained to say the least. I am trying to post this, not as if I am standing up on a higher ground stating my case, but as if I am across a table, talking it out.
If this man could only see how much Tony is not worried about whether he gets a commission from it... because, really, in the end.. his cut from the commission is not THAT great. It's nice, but it is not about all that.
What it is about for people that are really in it for the right reasons...
It is about... Getting that new house. Getting moved in on time. Getting those questions answered. And that is the truth.
Nothing frustrates Tony more than the thought of someone packing up their home or getting excited about packing up their home, and then being told "Oops... it'll be a few more days. Sorry."
He has never, in 15 years, not had a loan close on time. I am not bragging here. I am just writing it out. Reason being, I went to bed last night frustrated that my husband wasn't home until midnight for about the one millionth time... and why? Because he was making sure that someone was going to get to move into their home on time....
And I promise you.. it wasn't for our cut.. really, it is not about that... Because he gets paid at the same time each month.
I guess I just needed to assure myself once again about what I already know about that man. What I knew when I married him. What I saw in him from day one. I knew how he helped me. He pulled me up and continues to pull me up. He does the same for people all the time in an industry that is being blamed for destroying so many lives...
But, does that mean that everyone that works in that industry is a horrible person? Hmmm.. I live with him, and I don't think that he is a horrible person. He is a good dad, but occasionally he does squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...
He really does want to help people. That is why he told me that he was getting into this business fifteen years ago. I couldn't figure that out. And then when I constantly saw the thank you cards that he got, it started clicking.
I dunno... this post didn't really have a moral bang to it.. it was a bit of just a day in the life, but I needed to see my husband's day in the life as I know it really is, not as other's see it.
Or maybe it was just that one other... and hopefully when it is all said and done... all will be well. And they will all be okay. I hope so, because Tony will never tell him how much sleep he lost agonizing over his home and making sure that all went well behind the scenes.
All we hear about on the news is how everyone in this industry screwed everyone over. That really isn't the case ALL the time.. there are a few good apples in the bunch... I got lucky.. mine didn't have a worm in it...
But, since I started saving just 20 dollars in the beginning... I have managed to build up a really big savings so far. It is a "do not touch" account. I am seeing that I can pull out more and more from our main account or from the grocery store each time I go, you know, ten or twenty. And, I am telling you... it is building and building. And it is not small change.
And what is happening is that now things are turning around for us. Just a few months ago, my husband was ready to throw in the towel. Which was so frustrating for me, because that is just not his style. If you have been reading this all along, then you know how I feel about him and his work ethic.
He likes to work and fix problems, and he had all but given up. He works in the mortgage industry, and we all know what is going on in that industry. But, I have to say that I really do believe that he is one of the honest ones. He has been in the industry for a long time and he has lost many loans because he has been brutally honest with folks in telling them... "You know, you just can't afford this one."
And now that it is a rough time there, he is feeling the crunch. But.. but.. I truly do believe that because of his standards that he will prevail here. He spends more time worrying about the actual customer than the paperwork. This isn't an ad for my husband... You guys don't even know who he is...
I guess I am just writing it out because I listen to all the hype about all the crooked mortgage lenders out there, and I know that there are actually many out there that really are in it for the right reasons. Just as there are in any profession.
For example, and again, just writing it out, and seeing it from both sides...because I know how it feels to go and buy a car. I assume that the person selling me the car is only in it to con me some how.. they are only in it to get all my money. To screw me over in the end. But, what if they are really only there to help me find a car? (Yeah, right, huh?)
But, here's the thing... I see the the other side of the equation of his job... at least my husband's....
He came in absolutely exhausted at midnight last night after going in at seven yesterday morning. (And this is not uncommon... at all) He was exasperated...
To back up a bit... Last week, On the 4th.. on the way to a party, he got a call from a man whom he had never met. Our family was in the car. The man asked him what the current interest rate was for homes. Tony told him. The man, in frustration (which I, myself, have felt, but have never had the nerve to do) began to accuse Tony of not telling him the truth. Tony assured him that he had no control of the rates and so on. And since our family was in the car, it was a bit of a tense moment.
I have been there so many times when Tony has talked business over the phone. For his hours never stop. And, the endless questions that he answers go on and on. And I get that because buying a house is ridiculously complicated.
ANYWAY... nothing could be done on the 4th, so it had to wait until this week.. and in the end, the man on the phone did decide to use Tony as his mortgage lender. But, it has been a bit strained to say the least. I am trying to post this, not as if I am standing up on a higher ground stating my case, but as if I am across a table, talking it out.
If this man could only see how much Tony is not worried about whether he gets a commission from it... because, really, in the end.. his cut from the commission is not THAT great. It's nice, but it is not about all that.
What it is about for people that are really in it for the right reasons...
It is about... Getting that new house. Getting moved in on time. Getting those questions answered. And that is the truth.
Nothing frustrates Tony more than the thought of someone packing up their home or getting excited about packing up their home, and then being told "Oops... it'll be a few more days. Sorry."
He has never, in 15 years, not had a loan close on time. I am not bragging here. I am just writing it out. Reason being, I went to bed last night frustrated that my husband wasn't home until midnight for about the one millionth time... and why? Because he was making sure that someone was going to get to move into their home on time....
And I promise you.. it wasn't for our cut.. really, it is not about that... Because he gets paid at the same time each month.
I guess I just needed to assure myself once again about what I already know about that man. What I knew when I married him. What I saw in him from day one. I knew how he helped me. He pulled me up and continues to pull me up. He does the same for people all the time in an industry that is being blamed for destroying so many lives...
But, does that mean that everyone that works in that industry is a horrible person? Hmmm.. I live with him, and I don't think that he is a horrible person. He is a good dad, but occasionally he does squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...
He really does want to help people. That is why he told me that he was getting into this business fifteen years ago. I couldn't figure that out. And then when I constantly saw the thank you cards that he got, it started clicking.
I dunno... this post didn't really have a moral bang to it.. it was a bit of just a day in the life, but I needed to see my husband's day in the life as I know it really is, not as other's see it.
Or maybe it was just that one other... and hopefully when it is all said and done... all will be well. And they will all be okay. I hope so, because Tony will never tell him how much sleep he lost agonizing over his home and making sure that all went well behind the scenes.
All we hear about on the news is how everyone in this industry screwed everyone over. That really isn't the case ALL the time.. there are a few good apples in the bunch... I got lucky.. mine didn't have a worm in it...
Monday, July 7, 2008
Cry me a river
Ur-kay... Going to get rolling this morning. Well, I guess it isn't morning really.. It is 11:15 and I am calling it morning. Still in my P.J.'s. In a couple of weeks, I officially go back to work.
I know for most of the world, that is not a big deal. But, I have not been to a "real" job in over 11 years. I have run my own schedule for that long. I was a nurse working the weekend schedule, and then I was home with my children after that...
I know, I know... how worthless am I? I want to defend myself and say.. but, but..I have been home raising three children. I have been holding down the fort. And I have. We have moved five times in those eleven years. It's really hard work doing all of that.. (Can you detect the whine?)
Yeah, yeah.. cry me a river, right?
I have to say.. I am a little scared. I am thrilled beyond belief about teaching these kiddos. I am so excited about changing the world. One of the greatest authors today was taught right here in my hometown, at the school I attended, by the teacher that I admired the most. (No, no.. that author wasn't me... I know you are all THINKING that it was me... but, no, it wasn't..)
I say that because I know there is a purpose to teaching. I know that I can change lives in such a profound way.
But, here's the thing... my own life is about to change so profoundly...and I won't admit this to anyone around me... but, I am scared. I am scared at how my life is about to change. It is starting to hit me. I have been a full time mom for so long that I am not sure that I know how to be anything else yet.
Again, cry me a river, right?
I know in my head that I am over analyzing this. I know that I just take it one day at a time. That is what I was talking about in my last post when I said that I just sort of lost myself in staying at home. I started getting caught up in things that didn't really matter.
I have gotten consumed in housework and naps and schedules that really are a bit unimportant. And "I get to it when I get to it". How will that work when there is no time to "get to it" anymore?
And for those of you that have read this post for awhile know that my husband has been a "bit" stressed out. Well, he is a little lighter now knowing that there is a second income coming in now. And when the stress is off, he is a happier guy. And when there is happiness then that means he can work better, and when he works better, then that means there is more productivity....
HOWEVER... how does that mean that I will be able to get up at 5 a.m. and get three kiddos ready, and get them to school and get them to soccer and basketball and get homework and get dinner and get homework and get projects and get appointments and get this and get that and get the other...
Because if the hubby is more productive, then that means he will not be able to be home in order to help the wifey here get the kiddos where they need to go.
Oh my gawsh... this teaching job is not sounding as fun as I thought it would be. I am going to be so stressed out that I am not going to be a good teacher.
But, wait a minute. Let me think... think... Squeeze the lemons....think...
Ammmm....calming down..... sitting down and thinking....
Maybe it is that I don't have to do everything at once. Maybe everything will work itself out. Doesn't it always?
How is it that I just happened to be blessed enough to be able to stay home at a time in my life that my children were little and really needed me at home?
Didn't we make the move each time into those houses, and each time didn't it seem completely overwhelming? But, each time... we got in.
And with each big project that the kids have at school, doesn't it always seem like we will never complete it on the front end? But, don't we just take it one step at a time... and it always get done... it always does..
What in the world am I doing here? What in the world am I stressing out about?
If you read my last post, you know that there really are things to stress out about... this is not one of them.
I have no doubt about my big goal of a million dollars. I put money in the bank. A little each day. Some days more, some days less. ( By the way, for those of you who have been reading for a while, my cash purse is fattening up, yes-it-is!)
I know that this goal will be attained because it is always in my thoughts. I am constantly thinking of it and remembering it. We are taking it one step at a time.
Won't it be the same way with everything else? Hasn't it always been that way?
College--one class at a time.
Childbirth--one trimester at a time
Grief--one tear at a time
Joy--one hug at a time
And now, I will see, this is such a small thing. And, I have to say that I appreciate you if you made it through this post one word at a time, because it was probably a bit of a sludger. I just needed to write it out. I was a bit stressed out over "nothing", I think...
But, again, cry me a river, right... But, I am thinking, this one might be... cry me a puddle... or maybe a drop...
I know for most of the world, that is not a big deal. But, I have not been to a "real" job in over 11 years. I have run my own schedule for that long. I was a nurse working the weekend schedule, and then I was home with my children after that...
I know, I know... how worthless am I? I want to defend myself and say.. but, but..I have been home raising three children. I have been holding down the fort. And I have. We have moved five times in those eleven years. It's really hard work doing all of that.. (Can you detect the whine?)
Yeah, yeah.. cry me a river, right?
I have to say.. I am a little scared. I am thrilled beyond belief about teaching these kiddos. I am so excited about changing the world. One of the greatest authors today was taught right here in my hometown, at the school I attended, by the teacher that I admired the most. (No, no.. that author wasn't me... I know you are all THINKING that it was me... but, no, it wasn't..)
I say that because I know there is a purpose to teaching. I know that I can change lives in such a profound way.
But, here's the thing... my own life is about to change so profoundly...and I won't admit this to anyone around me... but, I am scared. I am scared at how my life is about to change. It is starting to hit me. I have been a full time mom for so long that I am not sure that I know how to be anything else yet.
Again, cry me a river, right?
I know in my head that I am over analyzing this. I know that I just take it one day at a time. That is what I was talking about in my last post when I said that I just sort of lost myself in staying at home. I started getting caught up in things that didn't really matter.
I have gotten consumed in housework and naps and schedules that really are a bit unimportant. And "I get to it when I get to it". How will that work when there is no time to "get to it" anymore?
And for those of you that have read this post for awhile know that my husband has been a "bit" stressed out. Well, he is a little lighter now knowing that there is a second income coming in now. And when the stress is off, he is a happier guy. And when there is happiness then that means he can work better, and when he works better, then that means there is more productivity....
HOWEVER... how does that mean that I will be able to get up at 5 a.m. and get three kiddos ready, and get them to school and get them to soccer and basketball and get homework and get dinner and get homework and get projects and get appointments and get this and get that and get the other...
Because if the hubby is more productive, then that means he will not be able to be home in order to help the wifey here get the kiddos where they need to go.
Oh my gawsh... this teaching job is not sounding as fun as I thought it would be. I am going to be so stressed out that I am not going to be a good teacher.
But, wait a minute. Let me think... think... Squeeze the lemons....think...
Ammmm....calming down..... sitting down and thinking....
Maybe it is that I don't have to do everything at once. Maybe everything will work itself out. Doesn't it always?
How is it that I just happened to be blessed enough to be able to stay home at a time in my life that my children were little and really needed me at home?
Didn't we make the move each time into those houses, and each time didn't it seem completely overwhelming? But, each time... we got in.
And with each big project that the kids have at school, doesn't it always seem like we will never complete it on the front end? But, don't we just take it one step at a time... and it always get done... it always does..
What in the world am I doing here? What in the world am I stressing out about?
If you read my last post, you know that there really are things to stress out about... this is not one of them.
I have no doubt about my big goal of a million dollars. I put money in the bank. A little each day. Some days more, some days less. ( By the way, for those of you who have been reading for a while, my cash purse is fattening up, yes-it-is!)
I know that this goal will be attained because it is always in my thoughts. I am constantly thinking of it and remembering it. We are taking it one step at a time.
Won't it be the same way with everything else? Hasn't it always been that way?
College--one class at a time.
Childbirth--one trimester at a time
Grief--one tear at a time
Joy--one hug at a time
And now, I will see, this is such a small thing. And, I have to say that I appreciate you if you made it through this post one word at a time, because it was probably a bit of a sludger. I just needed to write it out. I was a bit stressed out over "nothing", I think...
But, again, cry me a river, right... But, I am thinking, this one might be... cry me a puddle... or maybe a drop...
Saturday, July 5, 2008
What a 4th
Geez... It seems like it has been forever since I have been here. I know that it has been such the forefront of your mind wondering where I have been, huh?
What really surprises me and really actually makes me feel good is that I actually now have a really decent handle on what is going on with my life. It hasn't been that way for quite some time. I was so very blessed to be able to stay home with my children. But, the thing is... once they were in school... I was home alone. And as wonderful as it is to be home by myself... and to be that housewife who has the ability to shop and have manicures and decorate all day.. Yeah, well, that was a bit overrated to me.
I got lost in it a bit. I lost myself somewhere in that. I lost my purpose in that. I found myself going back to bed after my children went to school. I found myself thinking that I would "get to it" in a little while. And then I just never did "get to it". I gained weight and I lost my mind. I found myself thinking so much about how I wished that I was part of the outside world, whatever that is.
And everyone on the outside world wished that they were in my world. Isn't it funny how everyone wishes that? So many people wanting what the other folks have. Maybe they should crawl into their world a bit and take a closer look to be sure...
That is why I am really looking at this whole experience as a journey...I have said so many times that this is not about the money. I keep stressing that. I know for a fact that the money cannot buy the happiness.
Going back and forth and back and forth... should I say it? should I tell it? Hmmm... Just got the teaching job and life is so good for me right now and I know that, but am I not on this journey to examine all sides of what I see?...
Am I not blogging to examine what I experience in my life?... I think that I am. My fingers are typing, and each stroke is demanding that I go ahead with the story.
You know, we read fiction and there is so much out there that seems so "out there". And we read many stories that are "adapted" from true life... but this week, I was with a family that experienced true life in a way that puts adaptation to shame.
I want to go down that road that leads to a million dollars... I want to be one of those. I have mentioned before that my very first friend on this planet is now a millionaire. He is a super guy. I went to his 4th of July party yesterday. There were fireworks and a big colorful water slide and BBQ. He was the perfect host in his summer home. Who wouldn't want to be him?
At that party was another long time friend of 40 years. He is a local board member elect in the city. Super great guy. Everyone loves him, and his wife. He has been elected unanimously over and over because he really is that super guy that would give you the world if he could. Who wouldn't want to be him?
We were missing one person at the party though. There was a young 17 year old boy missing, Drew. He is the local senior football player at the high school with the world in front of him. All-American guy. Super guy.. and that's the truth. Who wouldn't want to be him?
To pull it all together... the party with the fireworks yesterday had the red, white and blue. It had the children and it had all the guests. But, it had this underlying theme of sadness. For the truth that everyone knew, but no one was discussing, just for a few hours, was that the All-American football player had had both of his legs cut off in a backhoe accident last week.
This had occurred while working on my friends land that he bought with all of his money. He had given young Drew a job on his land because of his uncle, who we had all known all our lives. And now, life has now changed forever for so many people.
So, now, nobody wants to be in any of those positions.
I had sworn that I was not going to write of sadness or anger any more, but it seemed wrong for me to ignore so many people that I am so close to. Even though no one reading this knows those who are involved. I feel like in so many ways, you know me.
I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs right now. This very incident is why I am on this journey. I can do nothing for Drew with a small amount, but with a large amount, I could get him the medical attention he will need.
But, even then...even then... Just writing aloud for the sake of it... when he recovers enough... if I had it to do it... maybe I could convince Drew to write his memoirs....for truly this is much more than most people will ever have to deal with EVER... he could inspire millions of people all over the world. He could inspire himself..
I am, like I said, just writing aloud, for I know how many people I have helped... not here on this blog, but in my on corner of the world... with the ordeals that I have encountered because so few people have been through them.
So, it seems like the O'Daniel and the Neal family are the ones that they flock to for emotional advice...
Hmmmm... yeah, we those lucky ones that got to encounter all the really tough stuff. I think maybe I will start an advice column.
But, it seems like Drew and his family, they may get to take top honors for a while. This will be a tough one. You never know what a moment is going to hold. Trying to wrap my mind around this one....17 and no legs.... where do you go with that one? With no warning coming to you?
Hmmm....Yes, my life is good right now... and is it fair to remember that? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. Does it even do Drew any good for me to sit and focus on his tragedy?
Shouldn't I focus on the recovery side of this? I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of what to write and this is all new to me.
I do know, and I do KNOW that our human spirit is so much more than our flesh. But, will Drew know that? Surely, it will come to him. He will have to turn within in order to get through this, and from my own experience, that is where I found mine, and Jesus, it was good and it was powerful.
That is what will get him through if he has the strength to ask. I am asking right now for that strength for him. Again, not getting religious, just being factual.
OK....I may erase all of this, but I am thinking maybe not. Would seem wrong. He deserves at least this much. Please when you read this, don't sympathize for him...visualize his healing...I know what you all have done for me....I am back on track and I KNOW it is because of the love sent in from around the world...
I am getting sappy... Drew doesn't deserve sappy.... he plays football, not water ballet....
What really surprises me and really actually makes me feel good is that I actually now have a really decent handle on what is going on with my life. It hasn't been that way for quite some time. I was so very blessed to be able to stay home with my children. But, the thing is... once they were in school... I was home alone. And as wonderful as it is to be home by myself... and to be that housewife who has the ability to shop and have manicures and decorate all day.. Yeah, well, that was a bit overrated to me.
I got lost in it a bit. I lost myself somewhere in that. I lost my purpose in that. I found myself going back to bed after my children went to school. I found myself thinking that I would "get to it" in a little while. And then I just never did "get to it". I gained weight and I lost my mind. I found myself thinking so much about how I wished that I was part of the outside world, whatever that is.
And everyone on the outside world wished that they were in my world. Isn't it funny how everyone wishes that? So many people wanting what the other folks have. Maybe they should crawl into their world a bit and take a closer look to be sure...
That is why I am really looking at this whole experience as a journey...I have said so many times that this is not about the money. I keep stressing that. I know for a fact that the money cannot buy the happiness.
Going back and forth and back and forth... should I say it? should I tell it? Hmmm... Just got the teaching job and life is so good for me right now and I know that, but am I not on this journey to examine all sides of what I see?...
Am I not blogging to examine what I experience in my life?... I think that I am. My fingers are typing, and each stroke is demanding that I go ahead with the story.
You know, we read fiction and there is so much out there that seems so "out there". And we read many stories that are "adapted" from true life... but this week, I was with a family that experienced true life in a way that puts adaptation to shame.
I want to go down that road that leads to a million dollars... I want to be one of those. I have mentioned before that my very first friend on this planet is now a millionaire. He is a super guy. I went to his 4th of July party yesterday. There were fireworks and a big colorful water slide and BBQ. He was the perfect host in his summer home. Who wouldn't want to be him?
At that party was another long time friend of 40 years. He is a local board member elect in the city. Super great guy. Everyone loves him, and his wife. He has been elected unanimously over and over because he really is that super guy that would give you the world if he could. Who wouldn't want to be him?
We were missing one person at the party though. There was a young 17 year old boy missing, Drew. He is the local senior football player at the high school with the world in front of him. All-American guy. Super guy.. and that's the truth. Who wouldn't want to be him?
To pull it all together... the party with the fireworks yesterday had the red, white and blue. It had the children and it had all the guests. But, it had this underlying theme of sadness. For the truth that everyone knew, but no one was discussing, just for a few hours, was that the All-American football player had had both of his legs cut off in a backhoe accident last week.
This had occurred while working on my friends land that he bought with all of his money. He had given young Drew a job on his land because of his uncle, who we had all known all our lives. And now, life has now changed forever for so many people.
So, now, nobody wants to be in any of those positions.
I had sworn that I was not going to write of sadness or anger any more, but it seemed wrong for me to ignore so many people that I am so close to. Even though no one reading this knows those who are involved. I feel like in so many ways, you know me.
I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs right now. This very incident is why I am on this journey. I can do nothing for Drew with a small amount, but with a large amount, I could get him the medical attention he will need.
But, even then...even then... Just writing aloud for the sake of it... when he recovers enough... if I had it to do it... maybe I could convince Drew to write his memoirs....for truly this is much more than most people will ever have to deal with EVER... he could inspire millions of people all over the world. He could inspire himself..
I am, like I said, just writing aloud, for I know how many people I have helped... not here on this blog, but in my on corner of the world... with the ordeals that I have encountered because so few people have been through them.
So, it seems like the O'Daniel and the Neal family are the ones that they flock to for emotional advice...
Hmmmm... yeah, we those lucky ones that got to encounter all the really tough stuff. I think maybe I will start an advice column.
But, it seems like Drew and his family, they may get to take top honors for a while. This will be a tough one. You never know what a moment is going to hold. Trying to wrap my mind around this one....17 and no legs.... where do you go with that one? With no warning coming to you?
Hmmm....Yes, my life is good right now... and is it fair to remember that? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. Does it even do Drew any good for me to sit and focus on his tragedy?
Shouldn't I focus on the recovery side of this? I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of what to write and this is all new to me.
I do know, and I do KNOW that our human spirit is so much more than our flesh. But, will Drew know that? Surely, it will come to him. He will have to turn within in order to get through this, and from my own experience, that is where I found mine, and Jesus, it was good and it was powerful.
That is what will get him through if he has the strength to ask. I am asking right now for that strength for him. Again, not getting religious, just being factual.
OK....I may erase all of this, but I am thinking maybe not. Would seem wrong. He deserves at least this much. Please when you read this, don't sympathize for him...visualize his healing...I know what you all have done for me....I am back on track and I KNOW it is because of the love sent in from around the world...
I am getting sappy... Drew doesn't deserve sappy.... he plays football, not water ballet....
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