Which Way Did He Go?

Well, well, well. It has been almost a year since I have written on this post. I am really glad that the powers that be here at blogger have not decided to kick my sorry writing tail end off. That would be just awful, since there are some half decent pity parties on here.
But, I do have to say... I have reason to be pitying myself. Since I was last on here, my life has taken a completely different spin. I am in a different home... sans husband. Shockingly, my husband and I have separated. I guess that is what happens when there are three folks in a marraige.
I reread over the posts a few months out from before I quit writing. Surely to God I knew that we were going to end. I just had all this faith in us. I guess I just has less faith in the powers of, what? hmmmmm.... is it evil?
I just don't know. I don't think that he is evil. I just know that Tony doesn't love me. And for those of you that don't really follow too closely, Tony is my husband. And, indeed, he is still my husband. He left December 29 of 2009. Now, here it is mid June. So, he's been gone half a year. It feels like half my life.
I asked him to leave, so I don't know what I am so wishy-washy about. I kicked him out like an old shoe. Well, maybe not an old shoe, because sometimes shoes have another half. In his case, there was not another half. Or, if there was... it's sure as Hell wasn't me. There was that redhead Suzy Lou Hoo, (or so indicates that upturned nose of hers). I just couldn't take it anymore.
And there are so many variables here, that I am not sure that I can get into any of them in this one post. I am having to digest them one by one. So, it seems only fair that I take this on baby step at a timne. And tonight, all I can focus on is the fact that he is gone,,. not the reasons behind it,
And the problem is,.. only he is gone. All reminders of him... Alive and Kickin' all aound my house.

Present Day Living...

Wishing that I wrote everyday. Would love to use the excuse that I don't have time, but that isn't the case. There is always time. It is a matter of carving out the time. For example, I always use the excuse that I don't have time to exercise. But, I surely find time to shove in calories. Or I make time to drive to McDonald's, right?

I bought some tapes, some Turbo Jam tapes. They are going to change my life. They are the step that I am going to take. The baby step that I am going to take to change things around. I have to doing something to move things in the right direction. I have to take charge of my life, and right now I don't know how to do it. So, I was up at two in the morning having one the million anxiety attacks that I frequently endure these days, and the infomercial came on for this Turbo Jam.

I didn't order it right away. I just sat there with the cookie dough and watched all those 20 years olds do their crunches and kicks and punches. I thought, like I always do, that since I am 42 years old that there was no reason for me to even entertain the thought of an exercise program. I am past my prime, so there is no reason for me to go in that direction.

But, then, after I ate half the log of cookie dough and went to bed, my stomach started to hurt. That cookie dough didn't feel as good an hour later. It wasn't as satisfying as it should have been. I just kept thinking about all the nonsense that is going on in my life. That seems to be all that I do these days is think about it. It's all I know to do.

I have never really been a thinker, so much as a doer. I am so caught up in thinking about what is going on that I am not sure how to react to it all. I keep thinking of the "what ifs" that I can't even seem to stand on the ground that is beneath me. I am getting really good at sitting on the comfy recliner beneath me, or curling up in the comfy bed where I feel that it is safe. But, standing and moving... not so much.

Soooo... what if that 25 year old exercise instructor is on to something? What if, maybe, just maybe moving in one spot could be the answer. At least I would be moving. I mean, something has got to give.

That brings me to the present moment. I got those Turbo Jam tapes a week ago. Diet plan and all. I even bought a tub of cottage cheese to go with them. I have eaten the tub of cheese and gagged with it. But, I ate it instead of the cookie dough.

I did the tape once. Limped out of the room and cursed the instructor afterwards. Haven't done it again, but I know that it is in there waiting on me. Know that my life is waiting for me to begin again. Can't decide if that means that I am hopeless or hopeful. I am leaning on the hopeful side because I feel so much better.

Plans are to push play once I finish this post and limp some more.

I know the problem... I have always been able to see the future ahead of me. Always. I can no longer do that. I can't even see a few hours in front of me. That is scary and it is uncertain. I don't know how to function that way.

Instead of seeing that as a negative, I should be thrilled. I should be over the moon. I can finally... finally live in the present moment. But, the problem is... I don't know how to do that. I have never lived like that. I have always been so busy planning for tomorrow that I don't know how to live for today. Why is that?

How did I miss that? I know that tomorrow will take care of itself, for it always has. But, now that I am forced to live that way... it honestly scares me into fits of anxiety. Anxiety to the point of physical pain.

And I keep on replaying how I got here, instead of how to get out of here. I keep on replaying the past, instead of living in the present.

Ohhhhh.... this road, this road. I need a yellow brick road. I need some munchkins. I'd take elves or dwarfs or even some gnomes.

Oh, well. I think I will go pop in some Turbo Jam. Limp and curse and get myself upright for a bit. Something that will be productive. I got some present day living to do...

Benchwarmer

Writing to write. Mainly because today it doesn't feel as terrible as it did yesterday. Wondering if the writing had something to do with it. Have to say that it does feel good to get all that jumbly mumbly out of the cortex.

Course it could be that cookie dough I ate last night at midnight, too. Hmmm. Don't really want to go down that road. It would be loads better if I would catch on to that running addiction that folks are talking about. Would be a little bit more empowering I think. If my OCD would hurry up and kick back in, I think that maybe I could function a bit better.

The problem seems to be that I am not in control of this situation. I don't know about the ins and outs of getting a home. That is my husband's role. That is what he does. And he seems to be doing nothing. And the thought of having nowhere to go... that is a little much.

The thought of imposing on people. That seems to be even more. I can't imagine asking someone to take in 5 people. Even for a short period of time. Ugh.

I can't even believe that we are in this situation. My husband says that it will not come to that. He will find something. He will. To stop asking. I haven't asked that much. Once or twice. And that seems to be too much for him.

We are sitting here in a 4500 square foot home with the possibility of having no home. I am thinking that that is not even a rational thought. That is on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I have no control of this. Because I can't talk to him about it. He says that he doesn't know the answers.

I know that these are tough times. I know that they are. But, no home? Really????? 3 kids and no home? What the hell?

I have a job. I have been to college forever. No home? Why is the ball not rolling to figure this out. Why am I sitting here on the computer typing instead of figuring the situation out?

OK
OK...I think that I will stop for today and try to take some action to do something, anything.. to do that. What, I don't know. This is all so new to me.

I know that I am putting this all out there and hoping a bit that no one reads it. But, then again, that is why I say that this is a "road". Don't all roads twists and turn? And aren't there bumps and potholes?

Isn't this what we are suppose to go through? I don't guess I can see success until I see failure. I don't know. I think that I have seen failure. I think. I am not saying that I have seen perfection, not at all. But, if you live on an even playing field all the time, then there is no way to know joy. There is no way to feel blessed. There is know way to feel humility.

I am learning these things. Yeah, I am. The robotic state that I spoke of in the last post may be a way of keeping myself from feeling the pain that leads to the joy. But, I guess that I must feel the pain to feel the joy.

Again... I am not sure that I knew what I was in for when I started this a year ago. I have discovered so many things that have changed my life. I am seeing that life is about so much more than I thought. I have walked into emotions that I didn't know existed. Not sure that I like them, but I am sure that they are necessary.

Okay... going to stop typing for real. Going to do something about this house. Make a call. Probably futile, but it will make me feel like a player in this game. They will probably put me on the bench, but whatever.... I'll at least feel like I'm on the team...

Ball of Wax

You just never know. Really and truly... you just never know. You can look at someone and think that they have it all together. And the fact is, they could have broken bones all inside or they could have all kinds of scars under that beautiful sweater they are wearing.

That has become my life. People just don't know. But, I am trying to decide if that is okay. And I am trying to decide if it is okay that I am going through all of this.

I think the really lesson I am learning out of everything is that I am really going through this. I am going THROUGH this. I am not dying. I am not being trampled and I am not melting.

I have thought before that I knew what emotional pain was. Nada. This is emotional pain. This is bigger than anything that I have been through. Case in point: As I type, my chest feels so tight that it feels like I could reach in and pull out a fist sized ball of black wax. Right from the center. It feels as though that would do it. That would ease the problem.

It feels as though that ball of black heaviness is there at all times. Just waiting to explode. It would seem that I would do something to ease it. That I would get up and take steps to ease that pain. But, how is it that I can when I have that physical pain going on?

It is there... and I don't know if that is what depression feels like.. or if that is just the feeling of complete apathy when a world falls apart.

And I have to put a smile on for the rest of the world like a gift at a party. Smile for the children. Smile for the family. Smile for the coworkers. Smile for the husband. Smile for the people in the grocery store.

That is the issue. It's the internalizing of pain and it is the amazement of what is becoming a robotic state of existence. Knowing what is about to be lost and trying to make light of it. And being able to make light of it because I really do know that tomorrow is another day. I know that it is possible to live in the moment.

I have let fear get the best of me. Sometimes I can feel it in my fingertips. And the fact is... I need my fingertips. I need them to work and to cook and to type. Thus, proving the point of the robotic existence.

I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize that it was all just one big "bad patch". I will say "everything has it's reason". But, I think that I will also be able to say, "If I had only..." So, why can't I see that now? Why can't I reach in and pull out that black space and get on top of things right now?

This road to a million dollars is not for the faint of heart. It is not. It forces me to look very deeply. Maybe that is the issue. I have forced myself to look into things that a year ago I had not dreamed of. If anyone is reading this for the first time, all of this will seem so abstract. And possibly only about money.

Now, I think that I am wishing that it were. That is concrete and not about emotions. Concrete issues can be dealt with and talked about. Emotional issues are different. They are personal and hard to handle.

I am rambling... I think I have been doing that with most of this post. It is that ball of wax talking. Wax doesn't talk very well; it just gobs up and distorts if not handled with care. I'm not handling it very carefully.

What a downer and all about "me" post. If you read this, go watch an episode of "That 70's Show" so that you can lighten up... I have some Tivo'd for just such occasions...

Tomorrow IS another day and wax DOES melt... so here's hoping...

Not Too Shabby...

Awwww... geez. Sometimes it seems like things are so overwhelming that I could just burst. I miss my days of having no idea how bad things are. I really do miss them. But, the thing is, I can't go back to that anymore. I can't go back to not knowing what is going on.

Geez... I miss that. Have I mentioned that yet? And, the worse part is... I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it. I can support him with all the love and patience in the world. I can do that. That is what I do. I support.

That surely does not make me superior in any way. For, that is probably one of the reasons we are in the situation that we are in. I support and I forgive. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. If anything... it makes me a doormat. And, not in a good way, or a victim way.

If I wanted to play the victim, then I would tell everyone so that they could feel sorry for me. And how awful is it to be pitied? That is the worse thing.

Instead, I play like everything is just fine. In fact, I dare say that I play like everything is absolutely dandy. We are still the great family, with the dressed up husband and wife.... 3 kids and goofy dog.

But, then again...then again.... I have to say that right now in this very moment...I really don't feel all that awful. Right now...in this moment... I am living in my wonderful home. And my husband, who I want to think is awful for getting us into this mess, is right there in the other room. And I don't hate him. I actually love him.

I have a husband that I actually really do love so much that I have to pinch myself sometimes. In the midst of all that is going on, and all that he has put us through, I get to live with 4 people that I really do love.

So many people don't have that. So many people give up before the crisis is actually over. And then another crisis begins because they lose everyone they love. Whether the leave is warranted or not, they become a person who is living without.

And, I guess it would be different if I actually detested his existence. But, the truth is... I don't. I adore his existence. I adore the fact that I have his children, and that he is crazy about them. I adore the fact that they are crazy about him. At this point, noone is estranged. No one is without.

And I guess that is thing that I have to remember. I have to remember that the truth of it all is what is important. The truth of the present moment is all I have.

It is the fear that grips me. And, I really do know that fear is foolish. So, how come I am so fearful of what has yet to happen? I know why... because of the past. Because of the perceived things that I wonder about.

But, isn't that what I have to do to make things better? Don't I have to stop all this fear?

Can't I try and do my part to make things better. And I can't wonder what I am going to do about it tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I have to do what I can right now, at 10:30 at night to make things better. I think that I have to follow what I know is right.... right now.

So, instead of complaining and whining about what might happen, and instead of staying stuck in the past... and contemplating what I could have done different or what I wish he had done different, I should seriously take a few moments right now to consider what I can do IN THIS MOMENT to change things.

Or maybe that is not even right. Why do I feel I need to change things? Well, because the perceived present as it is seems pretty rotten. But the truth... the real truth is that the very present moment is not so terrible.

I am sitting in here on my computer at my desk with my rolling chair ( which is quite comfortable I might add ). That is the truth. I am getting to type and air out my feelings, which are also getting a little bit more comfortable.

I have to say... not too shabby. So...

Not a fantastic post... I get that. But, a needed one. A little airing out is always good for the soul. And it is good in the concrete sense that I don't hustle off to bed in a rage. That is SOOO overrated.

So, I think that I will just sit with what is tonight. My husband and I sitting together and watching Dr. House use his smart mouth to make others feel bad.

I have no need to feel bad anymore tonight....

Every Rose Has Its Thorns...

Okay.... so it has been awhile. I can't figure that out either. It seems like that with all that is going on, I would write. I would write to clear it all out. But, I couldn't. I couldn't muster the energy to do any writing. I was in such a funk that writing was the last thing that I could do.

It's funny when a marriage is on the line. It is funny and ludicrous to think that I could be a single person. I use the adjective "funny" to avoid the real emotions like heart-wrenching, tormenting and scary-as-hell.

I can't imagine my life without my husband. With all of his faults, I simply can't imagine a life without him. He has done so many things wrong that I also have a hard time realizing that I have stayed with him.

But... but... I have this great aunt. I mean that in a couple of ways. She is my mother's aunt, which makes her my great aunt. But, also, she is a fantastic human being. That also makes her a "great" aunt.

We have spent so much time at her house. In the past, and now in the present. They are those relatives that have it all. The tennis courts, the swimming pool and the home gym with a tanning bed. And, wow, as a kid going to visit. Yeah, wow....

She and my uncle were the best hosts. They were the couple that always entertained. They were the epitome of what I wanted when I grew up.

But, there was a secret life that my uncle was living. Or, rather, it was secret to me. I had no idea that some men lived a life apart from their wives. That they had any other interests other than their family. That they would dare to "see" other women.

I found that out as I got older. I found out that my "great" aunt had lived her whole married life with a man that was not completely devoted to her. And she knew it. Many people knew it. So, ends up... it wasn't so secret after all.

I wondered so many times, "How in the hell could she deal with something like that?"

Well, it ends up... she really loves that man. Faults and all. She would have rather lived with the betrayal and negligance than to live completely without him.

And now, she is almost 90 years old, and so is he. She has alzheimers disease. But, guess who is right beside her holding her hand through it all? It is my uncle. At this point in his life, he has realized what he had all along. He is loving her through this, and he is so sorry to see her in this condition.

And, at this point in my own life, I can see how she remained by his side. Love is a powerful thing. It is also a very debilitating emotion.

Now that I am having to deal with some really devastating situations, I am having to get real. I am having to see life for what it is. With all of its hills and valleys. And those valleys... they are full of thorns that sting so violently that sometimes it is literally hard to breathe.

But.... but.... I am not sure that living without the man that I truly love would be worth saving my pride. It is a hard thing to swallow... all that has happened. But, it is something, for now, that I know that I have to do.

He chose me... but, somewhere along the way, he seems to have questioned that choice. It is my responsibility to help him remember why he made that choice. I have to rise above all the very, very real hardships that he has decided to put us through. I have to try to see this from his side.

I have to know that his children would be lost without him... as would I. I have a full life ahead of me with very real goals to accomplish. If that means that I have to put up with his bad decisions along the way... then so be it. It is making me stronger than I ever thought I would be.

It is letting me see that life is not always rosy... but within that, there are roses with thorns that I can avoid.

So, for today, I chose to smell the roses... and keep away from the thorns.

I Miss My Ostrich Existence!

I am not thinking of things the way everyone would say that I should. Everyone would SAY that I should still be reaming him out. Everyone would SAY that I should be pouting and yelling and screaming at him. I should telling him what he can do with his attitude and his texts and his secretary.

But, where would that get me? That would get me alone. That would get me three kids who miss their father. That would get me so desperately unhappy that I am not sure that I could manage.

Am I fooling myself here? I am not sure. I am not sure if I am just talking myself out of what is right, or if I am talking about wisdom. I can't tell.

I don't know if I have the big picture figured out or if I am just ignorant. If, in the long run, everything is going to work itself out anyway... then are these little pitfalls worth the hassle of all the drama and heartache. Isn't there a high road that I should take.

Should I cause all this hurt and pain for myself if, in the end, we are going to be fine? On the other hand, doesn't it take some bleeding out to get to the healing stage? And, I swear, that is what I feel like is happening here. For so long, I have felt this moment coming. Now that it is here, and things are out in the open, I can actually feel the pain. I am no longer just imagining things anymore.

Before, I just supposed. I just wondered and imagined "What would I do if that ever happened to me?" Well... now it is in my face. I am one of those people who has decisions to make. I have a life changing decision to make.

I am an average person with a life changing decision to make. Yeah, I am a grown-up. I get that. But, I don't want to be THAT grown-up. I don't want to make that kind of decision. Can't I just crawl back into the sand? Isn't there some way to forget that I asked and that he was stupid enough to answer?

Why would he tell me? Why would he? And was he telling me the whole truth? How is it that a woman recovers from this? How do I recover from knowing that someone else was his focus?

That is so hard. What is it that I can do to become his focus? I don't want to use sarcasm like "All I did was have his kids". That is why I don't tell my friends. That is what they will throw out. That is the rationale that they will use.

If that mattered, this would have never happened in the first place. He was not thinking on those lines. It was because of that that this happened. She is in an ideal situation to have his attention. She gets the ideal side of him. She doesn't get to have his problems. She doesn't get to have the runny noses at home or the sweet bedheads in the morning to get ready. (She has her own at home with own messed up hair and bathrobe.)

He sees her at work after she has perfected herself and had the nails done and the boobs popped up and neckline pulled down and the necklace perfectly placed for his eyes to see.

I am going on a tangent which is what I didn't want to do....

This isn't productive. I should quit now... before I lead myself farther down a road I don't want to go... this road is bumpy enough