Just keepin' it real........

Which Way Did He Go?

2010-06-17T00:09:00.001-07:00

Well, well, well. It has been almost a year since I have written on this post. I am really glad that the powers that be here at blogger have not decided to kick my sorry writing tail end off. That would be just awful, since there are some half decent pity parties on here.
But, I do have to say... I have reason to be pitying myself. Since I was last on here, my life has taken a completely different spin. I am in a different home... sans husband. Shockingly, my husband and I have separated. I guess that is what happens when there are three folks in a marraige.
I reread over the posts a few months out from before I quit writing. Surely to God I knew that we were going to end. I just had all this faith in us. I guess I just has less faith in the powers of, what? hmmmmm.... is it evil?
I just don't know. I don't think that he is evil. I just know that Tony doesn't love me. And for those of you that don't really follow too closely, Tony is my husband. And, indeed, he is still my husband. He left December 29 of 2009. Now, here it is mid June. So, he's been gone half a year. It feels like half my life.
I asked him to leave, so I don't know what I am so wishy-washy about. I kicked him out like an old shoe. Well, maybe not an old shoe, because sometimes shoes have another half. In his case, there was not another half. Or, if there was... it's sure as Hell wasn't me. There was that redhead Suzy Lou Hoo, (or so indicates that upturned nose of hers). I just couldn't take it anymore.
And there are so many variables here, that I am not sure that I can get into any of them in this one post. I am having to digest them one by one. So, it seems only fair that I take this on baby step at a timne. And tonight, all I can focus on is the fact that he is gone,,. not the reasons behind it,
And the problem is,.. only he is gone. All reminders of him... Alive and Kickin' all aound my house.

Present Day Living...

2009-08-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Wishing that I wrote everyday. Would love to use the excuse that I don't have time, but that isn't the case. There is always time. It is a matter of carving out the time. For example, I always use the excuse that I don't have time to exercise. But, I surely find time to shove in calories. Or I make time to drive to McDonald's, right?

I bought some tapes, some Turbo Jam tapes. They are going to change my life. They are the step that I am going to take. The baby step that I am going to take to change things around. I have to doing something to move things in the right direction. I have to take charge of my life, and right now I don't know how to do it. So, I was up at two in the morning having one the million anxiety attacks that I frequently endure these days, and the infomercial came on for this Turbo Jam.

I didn't order it right away. I just sat there with the cookie dough and watched all those 20 years olds do their crunches and kicks and punches. I thought, like I always do, that since I am 42 years old that there was no reason for me to even entertain the thought of an exercise program. I am past my prime, so there is no reason for me to go in that direction.

But, then, after I ate half the log of cookie dough and went to bed, my stomach started to hurt. That cookie dough didn't feel as good an hour later. It wasn't as satisfying as it should have been. I just kept thinking about all the nonsense that is going on in my life. That seems to be all that I do these days is think about it. It's all I know to do.

I have never really been a thinker, so much as a doer. I am so caught up in thinking about what is going on that I am not sure how to react to it all. I keep thinking of the "what ifs" that I can't even seem to stand on the ground that is beneath me. I am getting really good at sitting on the comfy recliner beneath me, or curling up in the comfy bed where I feel that it is safe. But, standing and moving... not so much.

Soooo... what if that 25 year old exercise instructor is on to something? What if, maybe, just maybe moving in one spot could be the answer. At least I would be moving. I mean, something has got to give.

That brings me to the present moment. I got those Turbo Jam tapes a week ago. Diet plan and all. I even bought a tub of cottage cheese to go with them. I have eaten the tub of cheese and gagged with it. But, I ate it instead of the cookie dough.

I did the tape once. Limped out of the room and cursed the instructor afterwards. Haven't done it again, but I know that it is in there waiting on me. Know that my life is waiting for me to begin again. Can't decide if that means that I am hopeless or hopeful. I am leaning on the hopeful side because I feel so much better.

Plans are to push play once I finish this post and limp some more.

I know the problem... I have always been able to see the future ahead of me. Always. I can no longer do that. I can't even see a few hours in front of me. That is scary and it is uncertain. I don't know how to function that way.

Instead of seeing that as a negative, I should be thrilled. I should be over the moon. I can finally... finally live in the present moment. But, the problem is... I don't know how to do that. I have never lived like that. I have always been so busy planning for tomorrow that I don't know how to live for today. Why is that?

How did I miss that? I know that tomorrow will take care of itself, for it always has. But, now that I am forced to live that way... it honestly scares me into fits of anxiety. Anxiety to the point of physical pain.

And I keep on replaying how I got here, instead of how to get out of here. I keep on replaying the past, instead of living in the present.

Ohhhhh.... this road, this road. I need a yellow brick road. I need some munchkins. I'd take elves or dwarfs or even some gnomes.

Oh, well. I think I will go pop in some Turbo Jam. Limp and curse and get myself upright for a bit. Something that will be productive. I got some present day living to do...

Benchwarmer

2009-07-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Writing to write. Mainly because today it doesn't feel as terrible as it did yesterday. Wondering if the writing had something to do with it. Have to say that it does feel good to get all that jumbly mumbly out of the cortex.

Course it could be that cookie dough I ate last night at midnight, too. Hmmm. Don't really want to go down that road. It would be loads better if I would catch on to that running addiction that folks are talking about. Would be a little bit more empowering I think. If my OCD would hurry up and kick back in, I think that maybe I could function a bit better.

The problem seems to be that I am not in control of this situation. I don't know about the ins and outs of getting a home. That is my husband's role. That is what he does. And he seems to be doing nothing. And the thought of having nowhere to go... that is a little much.

The thought of imposing on people. That seems to be even more. I can't imagine asking someone to take in 5 people. Even for a short period of time. Ugh.

I can't even believe that we are in this situation. My husband says that it will not come to that. He will find something. He will. To stop asking. I haven't asked that much. Once or twice. And that seems to be too much for him.

We are sitting here in a 4500 square foot home with the possibility of having no home. I am thinking that that is not even a rational thought. That is on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I have no control of this. Because I can't talk to him about it. He says that he doesn't know the answers.

I know that these are tough times. I know that they are. But, no home? Really????? 3 kids and no home? What the hell?

I have a job. I have been to college forever. No home? Why is the ball not rolling to figure this out. Why am I sitting here on the computer typing instead of figuring the situation out?

OK
OK...I think that I will stop for today and try to take some action to do something, anything.. to do that. What, I don't know. This is all so new to me.

I know that I am putting this all out there and hoping a bit that no one reads it. But, then again, that is why I say that this is a "road". Don't all roads twists and turn? And aren't there bumps and potholes?

Isn't this what we are suppose to go through? I don't guess I can see success until I see failure. I don't know. I think that I have seen failure. I think. I am not saying that I have seen perfection, not at all. But, if you live on an even playing field all the time, then there is no way to know joy. There is no way to feel blessed. There is know way to feel humility.

I am learning these things. Yeah, I am. The robotic state that I spoke of in the last post may be a way of keeping myself from feeling the pain that leads to the joy. But, I guess that I must feel the pain to feel the joy.

Again... I am not sure that I knew what I was in for when I started this a year ago. I have discovered so many things that have changed my life. I am seeing that life is about so much more than I thought. I have walked into emotions that I didn't know existed. Not sure that I like them, but I am sure that they are necessary.

Okay... going to stop typing for real. Going to do something about this house. Make a call. Probably futile, but it will make me feel like a player in this game. They will probably put me on the bench, but whatever.... I'll at least feel like I'm on the team...

Ball of Wax

2009-07-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

You just never know. Really and truly... you just never know. You can look at someone and think that they have it all together. And the fact is, they could have broken bones all inside or they could have all kinds of scars under that beautiful sweater they are wearing.

That has become my life. People just don't know. But, I am trying to decide if that is okay. And I am trying to decide if it is okay that I am going through all of this.

I think the really lesson I am learning out of everything is that I am really going through this. I am going THROUGH this. I am not dying. I am not being trampled and I am not melting.

I have thought before that I knew what emotional pain was. Nada. This is emotional pain. This is bigger than anything that I have been through. Case in point: As I type, my chest feels so tight that it feels like I could reach in and pull out a fist sized ball of black wax. Right from the center. It feels as though that would do it. That would ease the problem.

It feels as though that ball of black heaviness is there at all times. Just waiting to explode. It would seem that I would do something to ease it. That I would get up and take steps to ease that pain. But, how is it that I can when I have that physical pain going on?

It is there... and I don't know if that is what depression feels like.. or if that is just the feeling of complete apathy when a world falls apart.

And I have to put a smile on for the rest of the world like a gift at a party. Smile for the children. Smile for the family. Smile for the coworkers. Smile for the husband. Smile for the people in the grocery store.

That is the issue. It's the internalizing of pain and it is the amazement of what is becoming a robotic state of existence. Knowing what is about to be lost and trying to make light of it. And being able to make light of it because I really do know that tomorrow is another day. I know that it is possible to live in the moment.

I have let fear get the best of me. Sometimes I can feel it in my fingertips. And the fact is... I need my fingertips. I need them to work and to cook and to type. Thus, proving the point of the robotic existence.

I know that one day I will look back on all of this and realize that it was all just one big "bad patch". I will say "everything has it's reason". But, I think that I will also be able to say, "If I had only..." So, why can't I see that now? Why can't I reach in and pull out that black space and get on top of things right now?

This road to a million dollars is not for the faint of heart. It is not. It forces me to look very deeply. Maybe that is the issue. I have forced myself to look into things that a year ago I had not dreamed of. If anyone is reading this for the first time, all of this will seem so abstract. And possibly only about money.

Now, I think that I am wishing that it were. That is concrete and not about emotions. Concrete issues can be dealt with and talked about. Emotional issues are different. They are personal and hard to handle.

I am rambling... I think I have been doing that with most of this post. It is that ball of wax talking. Wax doesn't talk very well; it just gobs up and distorts if not handled with care. I'm not handling it very carefully.

What a downer and all about "me" post. If you read this, go watch an episode of "That 70's Show" so that you can lighten up... I have some Tivo'd for just such occasions...

Tomorrow IS another day and wax DOES melt... so here's hoping...

Not Too Shabby...

2009-05-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

Awwww... geez. Sometimes it seems like things are so overwhelming that I could just burst. I miss my days of having no idea how bad things are. I really do miss them. But, the thing is, I can't go back to that anymore. I can't go back to not knowing what is going on.

Geez... I miss that. Have I mentioned that yet? And, the worse part is... I feel like there is nothing that I can do about it. I can support him with all the love and patience in the world. I can do that. That is what I do. I support.

That surely does not make me superior in any way. For, that is probably one of the reasons we are in the situation that we are in. I support and I forgive. Again, I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. If anything... it makes me a doormat. And, not in a good way, or a victim way.

If I wanted to play the victim, then I would tell everyone so that they could feel sorry for me. And how awful is it to be pitied? That is the worse thing.

Instead, I play like everything is just fine. In fact, I dare say that I play like everything is absolutely dandy. We are still the great family, with the dressed up husband and wife.... 3 kids and goofy dog.

But, then again...then again.... I have to say that right now in this very moment...I really don't feel all that awful. Right now...in this moment... I am living in my wonderful home. And my husband, who I want to think is awful for getting us into this mess, is right there in the other room. And I don't hate him. I actually love him.

I have a husband that I actually really do love so much that I have to pinch myself sometimes. In the midst of all that is going on, and all that he has put us through, I get to live with 4 people that I really do love.

So many people don't have that. So many people give up before the crisis is actually over. And then another crisis begins because they lose everyone they love. Whether the leave is warranted or not, they become a person who is living without.

And, I guess it would be different if I actually detested his existence. But, the truth is... I don't. I adore his existence. I adore the fact that I have his children, and that he is crazy about them. I adore the fact that they are crazy about him. At this point, noone is estranged. No one is without.

And I guess that is thing that I have to remember. I have to remember that the truth of it all is what is important. The truth of the present moment is all I have.

It is the fear that grips me. And, I really do know that fear is foolish. So, how come I am so fearful of what has yet to happen? I know why... because of the past. Because of the perceived things that I wonder about.

But, isn't that what I have to do to make things better? Don't I have to stop all this fear?

Can't I try and do my part to make things better. And I can't wonder what I am going to do about it tomorrow. That will take care of itself. I have to do what I can right now, at 10:30 at night to make things better. I think that I have to follow what I know is right.... right now.

So, instead of complaining and whining about what might happen, and instead of staying stuck in the past... and contemplating what I could have done different or what I wish he had done different, I should seriously take a few moments right now to consider what I can do IN THIS MOMENT to change things.

Or maybe that is not even right. Why do I feel I need to change things? Well, because the perceived present as it is seems pretty rotten. But the truth... the real truth is that the very present moment is not so terrible.

I am sitting in here on my computer at my desk with my rolling chair ( which is quite comfortable I might add ). That is the truth. I am getting to type and air out my feelings, which are also getting a little bit more comfortable.

I have to say... not too shabby. So...

Not a fantastic post... I get that. But, a needed one. A little airing out is always good for the soul. And it is good in the concrete sense that I don't hustle off to bed in a rage. That is SOOO overrated.

So, I think that I will just sit with what is tonight. My husband and I sitting together and watching Dr. House use his smart mouth to make others feel bad.

I have no need to feel bad anymore tonight....

Every Rose Has Its Thorns...

2009-05-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

Okay.... so it has been awhile. I can't figure that out either. It seems like that with all that is going on, I would write. I would write to clear it all out. But, I couldn't. I couldn't muster the energy to do any writing. I was in such a funk that writing was the last thing that I could do.

It's funny when a marriage is on the line. It is funny and ludicrous to think that I could be a single person. I use the adjective "funny" to avoid the real emotions like heart-wrenching, tormenting and scary-as-hell.

I can't imagine my life without my husband. With all of his faults, I simply can't imagine a life without him. He has done so many things wrong that I also have a hard time realizing that I have stayed with him.

But... but... I have this great aunt. I mean that in a couple of ways. She is my mother's aunt, which makes her my great aunt. But, also, she is a fantastic human being. That also makes her a "great" aunt.

We have spent so much time at her house. In the past, and now in the present. They are those relatives that have it all. The tennis courts, the swimming pool and the home gym with a tanning bed. And, wow, as a kid going to visit. Yeah, wow....

She and my uncle were the best hosts. They were the couple that always entertained. They were the epitome of what I wanted when I grew up.

But, there was a secret life that my uncle was living. Or, rather, it was secret to me. I had no idea that some men lived a life apart from their wives. That they had any other interests other than their family. That they would dare to "see" other women.

I found that out as I got older. I found out that my "great" aunt had lived her whole married life with a man that was not completely devoted to her. And she knew it. Many people knew it. So, ends up... it wasn't so secret after all.

I wondered so many times, "How in the hell could she deal with something like that?"

Well, it ends up... she really loves that man. Faults and all. She would have rather lived with the betrayal and negligance than to live completely without him.

And now, she is almost 90 years old, and so is he. She has alzheimers disease. But, guess who is right beside her holding her hand through it all? It is my uncle. At this point in his life, he has realized what he had all along. He is loving her through this, and he is so sorry to see her in this condition.

And, at this point in my own life, I can see how she remained by his side. Love is a powerful thing. It is also a very debilitating emotion.

Now that I am having to deal with some really devastating situations, I am having to get real. I am having to see life for what it is. With all of its hills and valleys. And those valleys... they are full of thorns that sting so violently that sometimes it is literally hard to breathe.

But.... but.... I am not sure that living without the man that I truly love would be worth saving my pride. It is a hard thing to swallow... all that has happened. But, it is something, for now, that I know that I have to do.

He chose me... but, somewhere along the way, he seems to have questioned that choice. It is my responsibility to help him remember why he made that choice. I have to rise above all the very, very real hardships that he has decided to put us through. I have to try to see this from his side.

I have to know that his children would be lost without him... as would I. I have a full life ahead of me with very real goals to accomplish. If that means that I have to put up with his bad decisions along the way... then so be it. It is making me stronger than I ever thought I would be.

It is letting me see that life is not always rosy... but within that, there are roses with thorns that I can avoid.

So, for today, I chose to smell the roses... and keep away from the thorns.

I Miss My Ostrich Existence!

2009-02-10T18:28:00.001-08:00

I am not thinking of things the way everyone would say that I should. Everyone would SAY that I should still be reaming him out. Everyone would SAY that I should be pouting and yelling and screaming at him. I should telling him what he can do with his attitude and his texts and his secretary.

But, where would that get me? That would get me alone. That would get me three kids who miss their father. That would get me so desperately unhappy that I am not sure that I could manage.

Am I fooling myself here? I am not sure. I am not sure if I am just talking myself out of what is right, or if I am talking about wisdom. I can't tell.

I don't know if I have the big picture figured out or if I am just ignorant. If, in the long run, everything is going to work itself out anyway... then are these little pitfalls worth the hassle of all the drama and heartache. Isn't there a high road that I should take.

Should I cause all this hurt and pain for myself if, in the end, we are going to be fine? On the other hand, doesn't it take some bleeding out to get to the healing stage? And, I swear, that is what I feel like is happening here. For so long, I have felt this moment coming. Now that it is here, and things are out in the open, I can actually feel the pain. I am no longer just imagining things anymore.

Before, I just supposed. I just wondered and imagined "What would I do if that ever happened to me?" Well... now it is in my face. I am one of those people who has decisions to make. I have a life changing decision to make.

I am an average person with a life changing decision to make. Yeah, I am a grown-up. I get that. But, I don't want to be THAT grown-up. I don't want to make that kind of decision. Can't I just crawl back into the sand? Isn't there some way to forget that I asked and that he was stupid enough to answer?

Why would he tell me? Why would he? And was he telling me the whole truth? How is it that a woman recovers from this? How do I recover from knowing that someone else was his focus?

That is so hard. What is it that I can do to become his focus? I don't want to use sarcasm like "All I did was have his kids". That is why I don't tell my friends. That is what they will throw out. That is the rationale that they will use.

If that mattered, this would have never happened in the first place. He was not thinking on those lines. It was because of that that this happened. She is in an ideal situation to have his attention. She gets the ideal side of him. She doesn't get to have his problems. She doesn't get to have the runny noses at home or the sweet bedheads in the morning to get ready. (She has her own at home with own messed up hair and bathrobe.)

He sees her at work after she has perfected herself and had the nails done and the boobs popped up and neckline pulled down and the necklace perfectly placed for his eyes to see.

I am going on a tangent which is what I didn't want to do....

This isn't productive. I should quit now... before I lead myself farther down a road I don't want to go... this road is bumpy enough

Check the Rules

2009-02-09T21:24:00.001-08:00

Heavy only right now. Feel like I have been punched only. And only I feel like I have been punched. He is light on his feet. And eating cake...and ice cream too.

It must be so nice to be in his position. To have both of us. Me here to clean his home and raise his family. And her, at work, on his phone and across his street. Geez, what a soap opera. I think that I need to call the networks. This is better than what is on TV for sure. In this case, however, there are true feelings being stomped all over. And for now, there is just one set.

Hagatha is riding pretty. Her husband continues to ride in ignorance. I think that I will allow that. There is no need for him to know. If it truly is over....then there is no point in him knowing what I know. My pain is enough for both of us, or for anyone of of you out there who feel they need to give their transgransions to. I think that maybe I can hold onto those. This heart is wide open right now.

This is a one chance offer. Because after this, I am afraid that I might become hard. Get that arteriosclerosis you hear people talk about as they get older. I always thought that was a medical term. Now, I am discovering that is only emotional. Get that heart broken hard enough, it will heal itself alright...nice and tight. So tight that it is unwilling to get broken again.. and we all know that the heart leads out to the arteries...THUS hardening of the arteries.

I am going to be one tough ole bat, I am afraid. And that is not a part of myself that I am interested in knowing. I love this man. But, the thought of going through this type of pain ever again....no...just too much for me.

I have to figure out a way to avoid that...

Smartest way...Leave him...Problem there...I love him silly. That doesn't even seem like an option. Meanwhile, he knows this, which leaves Hagatha to do her thing because they both know forgiveness is on the other end.

And it just floors me that there is no regards for the wife and children. Hmmm....

Another option is to rip the red hair out so that she is bald. She looks a bit like a Hoo from Whoville. But, really... who has time for court? Right? Plus, it's not my style...

I have got to take the high road here...not sure what that is. I did talk it out. Didn't take the high road very well at all. Said things that the sailors taught me. Would love to say that I didn't mean them, but I did. Maybe given time, I will take them back...but not yet.

They crossed the line...And then he told me.... What a dumb ass.

Isn't there a rule book somewhere ?

Hagatha

2009-02-07T07:49:00.000-08:00

You'd think that I would have known. You would think that I could have seen it. You would think that a highly educated person would know things. But, then again, I am not any more educated then anyone else. So, I went to school. That was just another way of passing the time. I just like to go to school. It is just something I enjoy doing. That doesn't make me any smarter than the girl next door.

AND, speaking of the girl next door... seems like, she is closer to my husband than I am. She has been for quite some time. I have known it. I let our family move in next to her. I let my husband work with her now for over 14 years. Why? Why would I do that? I know why. Because she makes him happy. Because she keeps him organized. Because she helps him do his job.

What is my problem? What in God's name would provoke me to do something like this. I have taken this backwards on a day-by-day look to try to see it for the dysfunctional ride that it is. He has made me believe that he needs her for "the job". But, as of last night, seems like the job was a little bit more involved. There was more to the job than shuffling papers.

The Hagatha across the street that sees my husband every day has now infringed not only on my marraige, but on the lives of my children. How is it that I bring happiness into that? Seems like this will be an ultimate test for me.

I have known. But, in true "head in the sand" fashion, I have believed what I was told so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I have not pushed the issue far enough so that I could maintain solidarity. Now that I know the truth, it seems like I have decisions to make.

It is so true that "Ignorance is Bliss". But, then again, there was this gnawing need to know. There were the endless phone calls. The endless looks and visits and time together. And the shallow explanations that made me look so foolish. And I knew that, but I didn't care because my children still had their father home every night. Don't children deserve that?

Then, I look on the other side of the whole equation. There has to be another side of the equation. There always is. Always. Hagatha has to have something that I don't. Though I see her as the enemy, she must have something that makes her appealing, besides the obvious.

I am not telling the whole story either. And, if truth be told, I am not sure that I know the whole story. I have been lied to for so long that I don't know reality from fiction right now. According to the powers that rule my life right now, this whole "thing" (to give it a real word seems wrong) occured almost two years ago. The problem with that is that they still work together and continue to talk on the phone and text each other constantly. Or did, until I "wised up".

And, again, problem there.... I now have to play detective to see if they are continuing to talk. What the hell? What is that? What kind of marraige is that? I am not being told everything. What kind of person deals with that?

I think the reason that I am even writing this out is because I think that my head migt explode if I don't get it out. I have been lied to for so long, and last night, things were finally admitted. And that is when I realized how delusional I have been. I REALLY did think that there was nothing going on. I REALLY had bought the whole "friends" explanation. I REALLY had.

What is my problem? For years, I have done that. Now, how in the world will I trust? I am 41. That is over half of a life span. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. This man has done so much damage to me. And there was no sorrow there. There were only rationalizations.

To be fair, it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be. But, contact is contact. And intimacy is intimacy. No, I am tired of being fair. I am tired period. I am tired of Hagatha having my husband. I am tired of Hagatha's ears hearing his voice. I am tired of Hagatha's....

This is new to me. The denial was not good. Now, I have to face head on what I had buried. What I had forced myself not to face because he promised me...

But, why would he promise me that? Why wouldn't he have just let me go? Why wouldn't they have just destroyed the two families that they both had created previously?

Why the drama? What is that? I am bumfuzzled. I am seeing a mid-life crisis play out in in fullest. I don't like it. I am feeling physical pain equal to that of my father's death. It doesn't seem fair. That seriously doesn't seem fair. How could something like this be equal to something so sacred?

I remember that pain. The pain is so similar. Even as I type, the tears fall. The thought of betrayal without regard. The thought of ...

Geez, I would love to write it all out, because it seems like it would be therapeutic, but on the other hand, doesn't seem like it would be prudent.

It feels like my skin is crawling. I can't go back and make it right. I have to deal with this on my own. I can tell no one. I can't tell my family, because the odds are...we will get past this. That is what I do... I swallow things. If I tell anyone, they will hold it against him. I don't want that for him.

I would LOVE to walk over to Hagatha's and punch her right in the face. I have never wanted to do anything like that in my life. That is so childish. I would love to go over there...and again...she is right across the street, and ruin her life. Tell her husband...tell the neighbors that she is so close to. Tell everyone what a hag she is.

They still work together every day. What am I supposed to do? Walk out? Where will that get me? I have three children. Three. I will be in a small apartment for the rest of my life. On a teacher's salary. My children will be without their father. That doesn't seem like a reasonable solution. They didn't cause this. It is not their fault at all.

Trying to see my place in all of this. I refuse to believe that I don't have a place in this. I want to see it and make my place right. That will help. Right now, it is hard to see. For, in my mind, I see a very different picture and it is quite vivid.

I wonder how long that will last. I wonder how long I will see that. It hasn't even been 12 hours yet... so I know that it is all very raw right now. I know that I am just tender right now. I know that I have the power of forgiveness. I have used it many times.

This time, however, I am wondering if that is just nieve. And I think that he just knows that about me. I think he has used that for many years now to his advantage. And I see where that has gotten me. Across the street from Hagatha. I still cannot believe that I moved in across the street from her. My gut instinct told me not to. I have had dinner over there several times, for God's sake.

What a mess. I cannot even believe that I am writing about this. I can't believe that I am part of such a dysfunctional situation. It's just not my thing. But, then again...I guess it it is.

I'm not the picket fence I thought that I would grow up to be. I surely tried. I want to be so mad at both of them for tearing that part of my life down, but I am only sad. This is a sad that I don't know how to process. He doesn't know how to help me, or chooses not to. I can't tell.

If I can get through this one...I may have to grow a gadget arm to a pat myself on the back. This is tough....

Back in the saddle?

2009-01-09T18:02:00.000-08:00

How is it that I follow my own advice? How is it that I stay on top of the game? I was writing so good there for awhile, and then I just got off the bandwagon. Life got in my way.

I love my job. There is no doubt about that. I love what I do. What is getting in the way is the wet blanket that is in my home. Why can't he see the big picture? He is causing me to lose faith, and that is just not what I am about. I have faith in everything. I have always been able to see the big picture. It is almost like he is wanting me to lose faith. That is just not my M.O. That is not the way I operate.

On the one hand, I put my head in the sand and don't look at the negative side of things. I refuse to see it. Reason being...I just know that in the end...he will just take care of it. He always has. And now, he is just rolling over. He has lost hope because of the downward spiral.

I have no idea how to help him. I have to know that there is something that I can do. I just don't know what that is...I don't know what my role is in all of this. I have to play a role in all of this. It is my life. Everyone plays a role in their own life. Everyone changes the events in their own lives. Every action that a person does changes the events that occur in their lives. And this time, I don't know what to do to help our situation.

This whole financial backslide has gotten us. I am only one person, and he seems to be hell bent on letting us just lay down and take us over. For God's sake! We were on top. This is what he does. He fixes things. Why won't he fix this?! And, again, the thing is... This is not about the money. This is not about the money. This is NOT about the money. This is about being happy. He is not happy, therefore noone else in this house is happy.

Nooooo, I take that back. I am exhausting all energy that I have to be happy. I am trying to make sure that my children have no idea what is going on. This has been going on for over a year. It is completely exhausting---I am just exhausted. I am writing it out, because I can't talk it out.

And the thing is... I have had to stop typing about 10 times, just these few paragraphs, because I have children who have come in here over and over just to see what Mom is doing. There seems to be no time just to sort the whole thing out. If there was just a way to step out of it all and breathe for just a minute and see this for what it was.

A moment in time that is downtime. A pitfall that will work itself out. A friend of mine just went to Africa where the children have to start working at the age of 6. That is surely not what we are going through. But, then again, it is all relative. If I have to live with a man that is going to have a breakdown, or rather, is going through a breakdown...isn't unhappiness relative?

I can't tell on that one. I really don't know. I know that we make our own happiness. I know that when he is not here, we can find a way to be happy. That is not to say that I do not want him here. That is to say that I want him to be happy. I want him to be here, with us, and to be happy. That is where I have to find a way to get into this picture and make choices that will make him happy.

How to do that? How to do that? What to do? How is it that I will do things to help him make the money that will bring him happiness. Because for him, that is what he needs right now. He has gotten us so far into debt that he can't see straight. I don't believe that the debt is my fault. He caused that himself.

But that is not relative. That does not matter. There is nothing that I can do about that. I just want him to find a way out of the depression so that he can find his way out of the hole.

He is okay with moving... that is where I have a problem. I don't want to move my children again. They love where we are. I don't think that it is fair to make them move, yet again, from their home because their father could not control himself. Also, because their father cannot get himself up out of his downward spiral. That is not their fault.

We will be stuck in that house for so long. This is my anger talking and maybe it needs to talk for awhile and get itself out of my head so that I can think straight. I don't know... I don't like myself when I think so negatively about this man that I love. This seems so petty of me. He doesn't want to be this person.. but then, maybe he does. Why else would he do the things that he does?

Oh, another child coming into the room... I have griped enough.. this isn't productive...I have a million dollars to make.. I still know that it will come.

2 steps back... that is all this is. My faith is unwavering. I am on this episode of PUNKED, and I don't think it is funny anymore....

What was I thinking?

2008-07-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sitting here with my head all full of noodles. Which topic to write on? I am wanting to write all the time, but I feel like I am running out of time. I start my job in a couple of weeks and when I do I feel like I won't have time to do anything. I have spent about an hour a day with this blog and once the job starts, it will be get up at five, get myself ready, get three kiddos ready, get all of our stuff ready, then...

Go to work. Come home from work, get three kids and their homework done... get dinner cooked, get them to all their extra curricular activities, get all their stuff ready for the next day. Yeah, I am not going to have time for myself anymore. Is that a rough life? Am I complaining about my rough life? It surely sounds like I am...

I am wanting to slap myself up one side and down the other. I would imagine that I could do all of those things in about an hour if I needed to... and here is the thing... I have the health and the ability to do those things...AND I am complaining about them... STILL.

Ugh and Ugh again. I guess it is because the deadline is coming up in a couple of weeks and I am sitting here at 2 pm in the afternoon with my feet propped up on a desk writing on a computer. I was doing laundry last night at midnight just because that is when I got to it... Oh, and Oh, guess what I did after I did the laundry...Geez Louise and Lois...

I added some songs to my Ipod. And after I did that, I went to my son's list of songs to check and make sure that he wasn't downloading anything that I would think was just too awful. He is fourteen and we try to keep an eye on what he listens to and watches.

HOWEVER, I went through this phase recently where I thought that I would give him freedom. Because he is a good kid. He does make very good grades. He can play the hell out of the guitar and does so for several hours a day. Which shows incredible discipline on his part. He doesn't cuss or smoke or drink (you know how all those 14 year olds do that). But, for the most part, he really is a good kid.

Because he does play the guitar and downloads anything that is hard-core (don't I sound cool?) guitar, some of the song lyrics have a few wirty dords in them. I have let it slide because when he does download them, he really does learn to play them. I don't hear him talking the talk. Even with his friends. He can play Freebryd or he can that new-fangled Rock and Roll that they listen to. And he writes his own to go with it.

I have little doubt that he will be playing for the rest of his life. He just spent 600 dollars of his own money on speakers to play in the Christian rock band at church. And his friends have formed a rock band of their own....

HOWEVER.... last night, while going through my well-disciplined, not-my-child's list of songs, there were a few that were not so well. He is 14 and was given freedom on I-tunes. What was I thinking? I haven't checked his list in about a month. Have you guys seen what is out there?

I may be 41, but this has got to be different from what our grandparents saw in Elvis and his pelvis. This stuff is so vile and the language is so used so graphically that I just couldn't believe that some label puts it out there.

I promise, I am not a prude. Seriously. But, the front of the album had a picture of a man with...nope, can't even go there... but, my son was allowed to... And, yes, I want to blame the labels.. but, I can't even do it. He is my son. Isn't it my responsibility every night to go on that computer and check that account? I have given him the freedom to just order any ole song that he wants because I thought that he had the maturity to pick and choose music that was appropriate for him.

What? What?... I am remembering what I was like at 14...

Well, first of all. I am not a boy. Second of all, I liked Sean Cassidy and The Osmonds. Also, I am wanting so badly to blame this on his friends and say that they told him to do it. And they did. Someone had to tell him about it. I do believe that much... but still... I allow the access.

I know that I can't shelter him from everything, but to think that with my credit card, he ordered it. What is my problem? I surely hope that I am not making my son sound like this horrible person, because he is really cream of the crop.

But, so is every other child on this planet.. and then something happens. Somewhere along the way, guidance slips away. We forget that they really do need us in there showing them what is appropriate and what is not. They assume that if something is for sale, then it is okay to buy it.
If something is out there to watch, then it is okay to look.

It is my role to teach my children, and this time I fell short. I was thinking that I was smothering him, so I wanted to loosen up those reins. In doing so, I gave him enough freedom to see the slimy side of life. And it made me feel very slimy.

He and I have a very close relationship. And we had a very "close" talk about music last night. When I got up this morning I watched the videos that go along with the songs. I almost threw up. What if he has seen those? I guess I have another talk coming...

Wonder what our grandparents told their kids about Elvis??

The Midnight Hour

2008-07-10T07:44:00.001-07:00

Well... to update a bit. I haven't done that in a while, on the money front anyway. I don't want to get too detailed about our finances, because I am not sure how prudent it would be too put our bank accounts all over the Internet, right?

But, since I started saving just 20 dollars in the beginning... I have managed to build up a really big savings so far. It is a "do not touch" account. I am seeing that I can pull out more and more from our main account or from the grocery store each time I go, you know, ten or twenty. And, I am telling you... it is building and building. And it is not small change.

And what is happening is that now things are turning around for us. Just a few months ago, my husband was ready to throw in the towel. Which was so frustrating for me, because that is just not his style. If you have been reading this all along, then you know how I feel about him and his work ethic.

He likes to work and fix problems, and he had all but given up. He works in the mortgage industry, and we all know what is going on in that industry. But, I have to say that I really do believe that he is one of the honest ones. He has been in the industry for a long time and he has lost many loans because he has been brutally honest with folks in telling them... "You know, you just can't afford this one."

And now that it is a rough time there, he is feeling the crunch. But.. but.. I truly do believe that because of his standards that he will prevail here. He spends more time worrying about the actual customer than the paperwork. This isn't an ad for my husband... You guys don't even know who he is...

I guess I am just writing it out because I listen to all the hype about all the crooked mortgage lenders out there, and I know that there are actually many out there that really are in it for the right reasons. Just as there are in any profession.

For example, and again, just writing it out, and seeing it from both sides...because I know how it feels to go and buy a car. I assume that the person selling me the car is only in it to con me some how.. they are only in it to get all my money. To screw me over in the end. But, what if they are really only there to help me find a car? (Yeah, right, huh?)

But, here's the thing... I see the the other side of the equation of his job... at least my husband's....

He came in absolutely exhausted at midnight last night after going in at seven yesterday morning. (And this is not uncommon... at all) He was exasperated...

To back up a bit... Last week, On the 4th.. on the way to a party, he got a call from a man whom he had never met. Our family was in the car. The man asked him what the current interest rate was for homes. Tony told him. The man, in frustration (which I, myself, have felt, but have never had the nerve to do) began to accuse Tony of not telling him the truth. Tony assured him that he had no control of the rates and so on. And since our family was in the car, it was a bit of a tense moment.

I have been there so many times when Tony has talked business over the phone. For his hours never stop. And, the endless questions that he answers go on and on. And I get that because buying a house is ridiculously complicated.

ANYWAY... nothing could be done on the 4th, so it had to wait until this week.. and in the end, the man on the phone did decide to use Tony as his mortgage lender. But, it has been a bit strained to say the least. I am trying to post this, not as if I am standing up on a higher ground stating my case, but as if I am across a table, talking it out.

If this man could only see how much Tony is not worried about whether he gets a commission from it... because, really, in the end.. his cut from the commission is not THAT great. It's nice, but it is not about all that.

What it is about for people that are really in it for the right reasons...

It is about... Getting that new house. Getting moved in on time. Getting those questions answered. And that is the truth.

Nothing frustrates Tony more than the thought of someone packing up their home or getting excited about packing up their home, and then being told "Oops... it'll be a few more days. Sorry."

He has never, in 15 years, not had a loan close on time. I am not bragging here. I am just writing it out. Reason being, I went to bed last night frustrated that my husband wasn't home until midnight for about the one millionth time... and why? Because he was making sure that someone was going to get to move into their home on time....

And I promise you.. it wasn't for our cut.. really, it is not about that... Because he gets paid at the same time each month.

I guess I just needed to assure myself once again about what I already know about that man. What I knew when I married him. What I saw in him from day one. I knew how he helped me. He pulled me up and continues to pull me up. He does the same for people all the time in an industry that is being blamed for destroying so many lives...

But, does that mean that everyone that works in that industry is a horrible person? Hmmm.. I live with him, and I don't think that he is a horrible person. He is a good dad, but occasionally he does squeeze the toothpaste from the middle...

He really does want to help people. That is why he told me that he was getting into this business fifteen years ago. I couldn't figure that out. And then when I constantly saw the thank you cards that he got, it started clicking.

I dunno... this post didn't really have a moral bang to it.. it was a bit of just a day in the life, but I needed to see my husband's day in the life as I know it really is, not as other's see it.

Or maybe it was just that one other... and hopefully when it is all said and done... all will be well. And they will all be okay. I hope so, because Tony will never tell him how much sleep he lost agonizing over his home and making sure that all went well behind the scenes.

All we hear about on the news is how everyone in this industry screwed everyone over. That really isn't the case ALL the time.. there are a few good apples in the bunch... I got lucky.. mine didn't have a worm in it...

Cry me a river

2008-07-07T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ur-kay... Going to get rolling this morning. Well, I guess it isn't morning really.. It is 11:15 and I am calling it morning. Still in my P.J.'s. In a couple of weeks, I officially go back to work.

I know for most of the world, that is not a big deal. But, I have not been to a "real" job in over 11 years. I have run my own schedule for that long. I was a nurse working the weekend schedule, and then I was home with my children after that...

I know, I know... how worthless am I? I want to defend myself and say.. but, but..I have been home raising three children. I have been holding down the fort. And I have. We have moved five times in those eleven years. It's really hard work doing all of that.. (Can you detect the whine?)

Yeah, yeah.. cry me a river, right?

I have to say.. I am a little scared. I am thrilled beyond belief about teaching these kiddos. I am so excited about changing the world. One of the greatest authors today was taught right here in my hometown, at the school I attended, by the teacher that I admired the most. (No, no.. that author wasn't me... I know you are all THINKING that it was me... but, no, it wasn't..)

I say that because I know there is a purpose to teaching. I know that I can change lives in such a profound way.

But, here's the thing... my own life is about to change so profoundly...and I won't admit this to anyone around me... but, I am scared. I am scared at how my life is about to change. It is starting to hit me. I have been a full time mom for so long that I am not sure that I know how to be anything else yet.

Again, cry me a river, right?

I know in my head that I am over analyzing this. I know that I just take it one day at a time. That is what I was talking about in my last post when I said that I just sort of lost myself in staying at home. I started getting caught up in things that didn't really matter.

I have gotten consumed in housework and naps and schedules that really are a bit unimportant. And "I get to it when I get to it". How will that work when there is no time to "get to it" anymore?

And for those of you that have read this post for awhile know that my husband has been a "bit" stressed out. Well, he is a little lighter now knowing that there is a second income coming in now. And when the stress is off, he is a happier guy. And when there is happiness then that means he can work better, and when he works better, then that means there is more productivity....

HOWEVER... how does that mean that I will be able to get up at 5 a.m. and get three kiddos ready, and get them to school and get them to soccer and basketball and get homework and get dinner and get homework and get projects and get appointments and get this and get that and get the other...

Because if the hubby is more productive, then that means he will not be able to be home in order to help the wifey here get the kiddos where they need to go.

Oh my gawsh... this teaching job is not sounding as fun as I thought it would be. I am going to be so stressed out that I am not going to be a good teacher.

But, wait a minute. Let me think... think... Squeeze the lemons....think...

Ammmm....calming down..... sitting down and thinking....

Maybe it is that I don't have to do everything at once. Maybe everything will work itself out. Doesn't it always?

How is it that I just happened to be blessed enough to be able to stay home at a time in my life that my children were little and really needed me at home?

Didn't we make the move each time into those houses, and each time didn't it seem completely overwhelming? But, each time... we got in.

And with each big project that the kids have at school, doesn't it always seem like we will never complete it on the front end? But, don't we just take it one step at a time... and it always get done... it always does..

What in the world am I doing here? What in the world am I stressing out about?

If you read my last post, you know that there really are things to stress out about... this is not one of them.

I have no doubt about my big goal of a million dollars. I put money in the bank. A little each day. Some days more, some days less. ( By the way, for those of you who have been reading for a while, my cash purse is fattening up, yes-it-is!)

I know that this goal will be attained because it is always in my thoughts. I am constantly thinking of it and remembering it. We are taking it one step at a time.

Won't it be the same way with everything else? Hasn't it always been that way?

College--one class at a time.
Childbirth--one trimester at a time
Grief--one tear at a time
Joy--one hug at a time

And now, I will see, this is such a small thing. And, I have to say that I appreciate you if you made it through this post one word at a time, because it was probably a bit of a sludger. I just needed to write it out. I was a bit stressed out over "nothing", I think...

But, again, cry me a river, right... But, I am thinking, this one might be... cry me a puddle... or maybe a drop...

What a 4th

2008-07-05T21:41:00.001-07:00

Geez... It seems like it has been forever since I have been here. I know that it has been such the forefront of your mind wondering where I have been, huh?

What really surprises me and really actually makes me feel good is that I actually now have a really decent handle on what is going on with my life. It hasn't been that way for quite some time. I was so very blessed to be able to stay home with my children. But, the thing is... once they were in school... I was home alone. And as wonderful as it is to be home by myself... and to be that housewife who has the ability to shop and have manicures and decorate all day.. Yeah, well, that was a bit overrated to me.

I got lost in it a bit. I lost myself somewhere in that. I lost my purpose in that. I found myself going back to bed after my children went to school. I found myself thinking that I would "get to it" in a little while. And then I just never did "get to it". I gained weight and I lost my mind. I found myself thinking so much about how I wished that I was part of the outside world, whatever that is.

And everyone on the outside world wished that they were in my world. Isn't it funny how everyone wishes that? So many people wanting what the other folks have. Maybe they should crawl into their world a bit and take a closer look to be sure...

That is why I am really looking at this whole experience as a journey...I have said so many times that this is not about the money. I keep stressing that. I know for a fact that the money cannot buy the happiness.

Going back and forth and back and forth... should I say it? should I tell it? Hmmm... Just got the teaching job and life is so good for me right now and I know that, but am I not on this journey to examine all sides of what I see?...

Am I not blogging to examine what I experience in my life?... I think that I am. My fingers are typing, and each stroke is demanding that I go ahead with the story.

You know, we read fiction and there is so much out there that seems so "out there". And we read many stories that are "adapted" from true life... but this week, I was with a family that experienced true life in a way that puts adaptation to shame.

I want to go down that road that leads to a million dollars... I want to be one of those. I have mentioned before that my very first friend on this planet is now a millionaire. He is a super guy. I went to his 4th of July party yesterday. There were fireworks and a big colorful water slide and BBQ. He was the perfect host in his summer home. Who wouldn't want to be him?

At that party was another long time friend of 40 years. He is a local board member elect in the city. Super great guy. Everyone loves him, and his wife. He has been elected unanimously over and over because he really is that super guy that would give you the world if he could. Who wouldn't want to be him?

We were missing one person at the party though. There was a young 17 year old boy missing, Drew. He is the local senior football player at the high school with the world in front of him. All-American guy. Super guy.. and that's the truth. Who wouldn't want to be him?

To pull it all together... the party with the fireworks yesterday had the red, white and blue. It had the children and it had all the guests. But, it had this underlying theme of sadness. For the truth that everyone knew, but no one was discussing, just for a few hours, was that the All-American football player had had both of his legs cut off in a backhoe accident last week.

This had occurred while working on my friends land that he bought with all of his money. He had given young Drew a job on his land because of his uncle, who we had all known all our lives. And now, life has now changed forever for so many people.

So, now, nobody wants to be in any of those positions.

I had sworn that I was not going to write of sadness or anger any more, but it seemed wrong for me to ignore so many people that I am so close to. Even though no one reading this knows those who are involved. I feel like in so many ways, you know me.

I feel like screaming to the top of my lungs right now. This very incident is why I am on this journey. I can do nothing for Drew with a small amount, but with a large amount, I could get him the medical attention he will need.

But, even then...even then... Just writing aloud for the sake of it... when he recovers enough... if I had it to do it... maybe I could convince Drew to write his memoirs....for truly this is much more than most people will ever have to deal with EVER... he could inspire millions of people all over the world. He could inspire himself..

I am, like I said, just writing aloud, for I know how many people I have helped... not here on this blog, but in my on corner of the world... with the ordeals that I have encountered because so few people have been through them.

So, it seems like the O'Daniel and the Neal family are the ones that they flock to for emotional advice...

Hmmmm... yeah, we those lucky ones that got to encounter all the really tough stuff. I think maybe I will start an advice column.

But, it seems like Drew and his family, they may get to take top honors for a while. This will be a tough one. You never know what a moment is going to hold. Trying to wrap my mind around this one....17 and no legs.... where do you go with that one? With no warning coming to you?

Hmmm....Yes, my life is good right now... and is it fair to remember that? I guess that is what I am trying to figure out. Does it even do Drew any good for me to sit and focus on his tragedy?

Shouldn't I focus on the recovery side of this? I have been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to think of what to write and this is all new to me.

I do know, and I do KNOW that our human spirit is so much more than our flesh. But, will Drew know that? Surely, it will come to him. He will have to turn within in order to get through this, and from my own experience, that is where I found mine, and Jesus, it was good and it was powerful.

That is what will get him through if he has the strength to ask. I am asking right now for that strength for him. Again, not getting religious, just being factual.

OK....I may erase all of this, but I am thinking maybe not. Would seem wrong. He deserves at least this much. Please when you read this, don't sympathize for him...visualize his healing...I know what you all have done for me....I am back on track and I KNOW it is because of the love sent in from around the world...

I am getting sappy... Drew doesn't deserve sappy.... he plays football, not water ballet....

Sing along everybody!

2008-06-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

"Oh, Yeah, It's My Birthday.. We're Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday!"

No, it's not really my birthday.. That's my attempt at being ultra cool and singing that cool song that all the kids sing when they are excited about something. You know how they dance around and lean back and cross their hands across their chests?

For those of you that do know that song... sing along with me.. "It's My Birthday.." For those that don't, just make up your own song for me and sing it to yourself for me...

I'll wait..

O.K..... Oh, yeah! I got the teaching job that I wanted... In the school that I wanted! In the grade that I wanted! "It's My Birthday!" "Celebrate Good Times, Come ON!!!"

So, there are people that aspire to greatness in ALL kinds of ways.. all kinds of ways. I have thought long and hard about my greatness. How is it that I am going to make my million dollars..

Hmmm. Hmmm... Well, I know that it is not going to fall into my lap right this moment. I know that the main part of my journey is to be a success in each moment. I know that the main thing that I want to do is follow my heart, and I have decided that I want to discover what that really means. One thing I have decided is: that means to follow my feelings. To do what really feels right in the moment.

And when things just start "Happening" for you and they feel right, then maybe that is what you are supposed to be doing.. I think that is what it means to follow your heart.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I loved my teacher, Mrs. Jones. I loved my class. I can picture that class so well. And I truly do remember wanting to be a teacher. While other people were aspiring to other great things, I was aspiring to be a teacher. I didn't think about the money, I just thought about the classroom.

I taught my dolls, my dog, the frogs or the rocks outside. And when I was in the 5th grade, the school was giving away all the books that they used that year because they were getting new ones. I literally made 3 trips back and forth from the school so that I could have an entire arsonal of school books to teach with at home.

I have known since I was a young child that teaching was my calling. I have been out of the teaching profession for quite a while and I have missed it since the day I left. There were various reasons why I left, but since I have been gone, there has been this emptiness that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

So, that brings us to the present. I have this goal in front of me... this million dollar goal. I have not wavered from that... but, as I said earlier, I am not expecting that to fall from the sky, so wouldn't it suit me best to live in the present the best way I know how?

And if I am living my best life right now, and living for an ultimate goal while being ever present, won't I surely get closer and closer? If I am happy, really happy... won't I learn how to be crazy successful in the process?

Soo... I stopped after that last sentence for an entire 24 hours and thought on it. Trying to decide about this whole thing... For some reason, completely out of the blue, the million dollar goal came to me last year.. Me.. this one person who never had a goal like that.

It is not so much of a goal as it is an... attainment... which I guess, yes, is a goal. But, it is not the same as it would be for someone in a business suit going out for the attainment of the money right now. It is, as I have said in one of my earlier posts, it is for the attainment of becoming what it takes to become the type of person who would be able to either:

A. Make that type of money
B. Save that type of money
C. Inspire others to make that type of money

However, those three statements had money all over them... all over them. But, once again... money is paper.. And paper, really is useless unless you know what to do with it. What good is your house, even if it is a really grand house if you don't enjoy it? A really grand house has to be cleaned and furnished and well, you know, you do need to live in it.

What good is it to have it if you are working all the time and never get to see it? We have been down that road, and it was a bit bumpy. I have to say that I am a little glad that we did it while we were young enough to see that it was not all that it was cracked up to be. We didn't see the upstairs as often as we thought that we would. The entire family lived mostly in one room. The little ones were pretty much afraid to sleep in their rooms that we spent an arm and a leg on to furnish.

What a waste of that paper that my husband worked his tail off to make...

Sorry about that trip down memory lane... or rather memory road with potholes... Yes, the house was Be-u-tiful, and it was all the rave, but it was all-the-headache... and well, now we are paying the piper for it still..

So, now, if you will let me come back into the present again... We are back in another beautiful home, but I am really trying to get myself to a place where I am trying to see...

Main focus... main goal... Happiness. True happiness. What is that? I felt that in my last post. Million dollars... yes, that could buy a lot of things... Why has this goal been put into my focus? And it really has... It is on the brain.. Teaching... it is also on the brain, and it really did fall into place, and I feel like I am following my heart on this one.

I feel like I am talking in circles here... if you are reading this, do you feel like you are listening to one of those girls that rambles incessently? Write it out... Write it out... Write it out....

I am getting it out of my head to try to see why I have been given this focus. Hmmmm... I know that it is coming... I guess all of that to say that I know that the good in life is coming my way, and that I feel it.

You ever just "had that feeling"? It's one thing to "have that feeling" for a minute or two.. But to have that feeling for all the time... Yeah, it's good. Not in a delusion of grandeur sort of way, because it is not like that. It's just in a "Life is good" sort of way.

Because like the great scholar, Hannah Montana, says, "Life's What You Make It.. So Let's Make It Right!"

And, I fully intend to... and if for now, if it is my destiny to touch one student's life in some way then that is what I intend to do...

What is much, much more exciting to me, however, is that it may be the destiny of one those student's to cross MY path. It may be their purpose to touch me in such a profound way as to change my life forever. And now that I think about it, I really do have no doubt that that is precisely what will happen.

Because it really is very hard to be in the life of children and not react to their actions, much less the stories behind their actions....

Oh, geez, I have now gotten myself so much more excited about my new job than before, for I now know that this is where I am suppose to be.. I wonder which one of those students will change my life FIRST? And when they do, will I remember to know that it is happening? Surely I will, for that is why I am on this journey...

O.K. back to the present.. Everybody now... "It's My Birthday.. We Gonna Party Like It's My Birthday..." Because I REALLY have a reason now...

View from space

2008-06-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Okie Dokie, Artiechokies... I am putting some Glade Sanitizers all around this post in every corner.. airing it out...

I have to say that I feel so much better.. so much lighter. So much more.. yeah, cleansed. I have heard that word thrown around so much in different ways, but never really knew what it meant, but now, well, I have had a dose of it.

I went on NASA's site. I pulled up one of those really clear pictures of the earth that they took from one of those high dollar satellites that they put into space. Yeah, I don't know the name of it. I am so ignorant about those things that it is sad. They spent all of that money and all of that research to do that, and I didn't even take the time to remember the name of the satellite.

This is what I did do, though. And it did take some of my time, not as much time as it took to put the satellite into space.. I'll give them that. I looked up where all of the people that responded to my last post came from... all that had listed their locations...

On NASA's site, there was a picture from space that showed the Earth in all of her magnificent glory. And when I say that, I cannot even begin to describe how I feel about that. It brings me almost to my knees.

Anyway... I found my location on our beautiful big planet as best as I thought I could. Then, I started trying to find the locations of those who had left comments for me.

What I found in doing that is that even though it is a big world indeed... it is not so big of a world after all. Being able to look at it from "outside of it" made it seem small and manageable.

I was looking at it all and I was able to see all of you with your "go-go-gadget" arms reaching out to me. It was as if there were no barriers. How is it that that is possible if we live in different towns? Cities? States? Countries? Continents?

We, as human beings, have now found a way to communicate with each other in an instant across the world and give comfort to one another. I was able to gain comfort, real comfort from people that I have never met.

For heaven's sake... there were people PRAYING for me.. that did not even know me...

People are having riots in the world right now complaining about.. What is this world coming to? I will tell them... This world is a wonderful, wonderful place...

Again, I do not know who started the whole space program... I do not know who put that particlar satellite into space that showed me that particular view of the earth that I was able to see. But, could they, would they ever know that there would one day be a person whose entire life would be changed because they realized that love from across the entire world could pour in within a matter of seconds?

Surely, that was not their intention... But, does that really matter? So many discoveries are being made from those satellites going up into space... So many scientific, really-do-matter discoveries are being made...

But, to me, this really-did-matter. Your comments really did matter. And let me tell you how they impacted my life all the way around...

I don't have any idea if you saw the light hearted movie "Bruce Almighty"... It was funny... it was.. But at one point in the movie, Jim Carrey was able to see his girlfriend praying for him, and it touched him so profoundly that it changed him... he also was able to hear prayers from people... and it changed him...

I don't know how to explain this to you.. I don't... Again, this has nothing at all to do with religious affiliation and it is not to sound sacriligious. But, I am telling you all, I felt your "prayers" for me, for lack of another word. With each comment that came in, I felt comforted.

And when I went onto that NASA sight and looked at our planet, it was as if those engineers all those years ago had made that satellite just for me as if to say, "See, Kayce, this big ole world can handle what ever it is you need. Just ask. We are all here for you. You just have to ask us."

There was one blog that I went to when I was searching around that had a guy named Matt Hardy that just went all over the world dancing.. yeah, dancing.. and everyone joined him. And you know me and my dancing. I was just pouring tears of gratitude to be led to that site. I watched it 5 times. The world can be pulled together in such small ways.

Of course, NASA spent a cajillion dollars doing it and their image, again, pulled me to my knees... but honestly... it was you guys that have put me on my knees several times in the last few days in severe gratitude....

As I explained, eighteen years years ago, at age 23, my life changed forever.... and now at age 41, it did again...

Cleansing

2008-06-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

I am trying to decide what I want to write about tonight. This is a tough one. My husband is in the other room right now watching a recording of "Meet the Press". I am not sure how far I am going to go with this one. It goes a bit deep for me. Not on the surface, because I didn't know Tim Russert.

He was a prominent news reporter in America and around the globe. I don't watch a great deal of news television, but I did know who Tim Russert was, so of course it was a blow to hear of his death. How could it not be? It is very surreal to hear when someone who is on television so much dies. How in the world can that really happen? Aren't those people suppose to be, like, superhuman?

But, wait... are they not just super humans? As in humans that did super things... not only for us on television.. but also for us super humans at home watching our televsions?

Don't you think that Tim Russert probably spent his whole life just like us working really hard in grade school hoping for that day that he would get to have his 15 minutes of fame, just maybe? And, I have no idea, but maybe he thought that he got it when he hit a home run at the little league game, or maybe he thought it was when he saw stars during his first kiss...

I don't know Tim Russert... but from all the press he gave and all the press he is now receiving, there is no doubt that he was a great man. I would imagine that his fifteen minutes probably began sometime after he collapsed.

I am not an authority on what happens after we die. I have yet to be there, and I have to say that I am not standing in line to be the first. But, because of the experiences that I have been through, I do have to say that I have no fear.

I was personally there with a great man when he went.

This is a heavy subject, I know, so if now is the time to leave, then it may be best to go. I have heard it said when you feel the need to write, then write and write some more.

To watch someone die when they are so alive is a hard thing to see in the moment. It was almost 18 years ago that I walked through the Ole Miss College Football Stadium with my father.

It just took me 20 minutes to write the above 2 sentences...

That is the impact that the unexpected death of a father has on a daughter... Hmmm... Maybe I am not so ready to write about it after all... I just can't tell the story.. So I just won't right now. I'll save it for another day.

I don't have fear of my own... I can crank out the words now, but I can still not talk of his. Isn't that something? It took me 20 minutes to write 2 sentences because I relived the most tragic ordeal of my existence. And that happened over 18 years ago. I promise that I have moved on with my life, as long as I am not thinking about it. But, that is why I said that in the beginning of the post... I was planning on writing about something else, but as soon as I entered the blank page, I heard the TV going...

It was about Tim Russert... it got me thinking about the man and his family. The effects will be following him for awhile. Those effects last for a bit, to say the least.

Aw geez, this has become an all -about- me post, and I didn't want all that. Really and truly, I don't want all this sympathy..really. I stay away from that as much as possible.

I am completely pointing out how much it takes to deal with it all...how it affects different people.

OK, this is about Tim Russert... I have gotten myself into a bit of a tizzy. That seems to happen to me when I hear about someone who loses their father. It seems to take me back to a time that really was tough. Can anyone out there tell that is what is happening to me here?

Seems a bit selfish? I am wanting to go and grab Luke Russert and tell him that really, deal with it all now. Cry now, don't wait, because if you wait, you may just wait so long that it gets to a point that you just turn to stone over it... then there is just a hard spot that feels like it will explode.... then that.. that turns to unbearable pain over a number of years.. and then, my sweet boy, that may become physical pain...that may last for, oh I don't know... 10 years or so...

But, I won't... because I learned my lesson FINALLY! Remember, I finally learned my lesson this year.. 40 was my year... It took 17 years, but I finally did cry. It was a river, but I did finally cry. So, there was really no need for all that nonsense.... whew!

Yes, I feel a huge sense of grief for a family that I do not know that doesn't know me. I can empathize with people all over the globe that lose their father. I wish that I could get with them and let them know that it really WILL be okay. It may take a "bit" of time.

Geez. I just reread this and am trying to decide whether to leave this in. Can't decide. If it is raw emotion that you are suppose to leave in, then I should leave it in. While reading it, what came to mind was Princess Diana's boys and how they had to maintain control while seeing their mother during the funeral procession...

People marveled at their strength and cried with them through their tears. But, there was no way that the cameras captured their emotions. The cameras cannot get inside our heads and our hearts. These deep emotions are saved only for us. We have to experience them only in our time when it feels right for us. It sneaks up on us only when we can handle it, and unfortunately, that is usually when we are completely alone...

But, I think I may change my view on that and say, by experience, that I find that a quite fortunate thing. Being very alone is the best time to experience true heartache of this nature, for it is in those times, that is when you have the company of the Lord, in his truest sense. If you have ever been able to find God, that will be when.

I say that with every amount of faith and without any religious affiliation. I hope that doesn't sound sacriligious. I do not mean it to. I mean it in the most literal sense. It was not until I was at the bottom of it all and could take no more that I finally said, "OK, I give up". That is when I heard it. Not from outside, and not from a cloud... but from within my own self...

I finally was able to listen. I finally got quiet enough and calm enough to listen. I stopped being angry about my father's death and listened to what was being told to me, and it came from within. God had been with me all along just waiting... And now.... It is all okay... And I am not afraid anymore, not for my father and not for me.... just like that...

Whewwww...a little deeper than I meant to tonight... I was going for something else, but my fingers starting typing about Tim Russert and his family and I knew that I couldn't go anywhere else but here. I feel a little cleansed by this. A little lighter somehow. I haven't even talked about my father much, so this may be the start of something very real... I thank you for helping this far in my journey, and I have to say, I surely did not think it was going to lead me in this direction... surprise...surprise...surprise....

Sushi teaches a lesson

2008-06-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

I put 20 more dollars into the purse. Yes, I have a purse now. I changed it from the Cash Stash to the purse now. I put aside money into a savings purse "often". Ideally, every day. Then, I stand there not unlike a cartoon character and do a dance of thanks. Reason being, because, really and truly, I am so thankful that I have remembered to save that money that I am putting in there. I wasn't doing that kind of savings a few months ago and now I am. I am reaching me a big time goal here.

And those of you that are not new to my story, you will not be at all surprised to believe that I probably even sing a little bit while at my savings purse. So there I am dancing and a-singing. And, it is looking a-little silly, and I am just not even caring in the least. Reason being, I am happy and I am so unbelievable faithful each time I put that money in that my goal is coming true.

Okay, so that's that.. I had to go into all of that, because my dancing tirade just occured before I sat down and I am a little winded. The dog is, too, for he was running full speed away from me, for it scares the little critter a bit. (Really, I am no Jennifer Lopez.)

But, I am working on the body image. Still trying to get the old body into shape. Still trying to do the walk/run. Trying to eat right... trying to anyway... Oh, oh... get this.. at our local Kroger. . guess what they are selling now.. just guess.. anyone? anyone? Bueller? Bueller? No?

Sushi! Sushi! They are selling Sushi! The ultra cool sushi! Right there at Kroger! I can be ultra cool buying sushi at Kroger! People can see ME buying sushi right here! And guess what....I can't even so much as SMELL sushi without gagging... ughhhh...

But... there I stood... in front of the sushi counter looking at all the sushi .. All the different kinds with the seaweed and the raw tuna and the ginger and all the other stuff I couldn't really look at.. but I did. And there were all the people that I saw walking past me.. Looking at me looking at the sushi. And you just know that they thought that I was just that ultra cool, hip, awesome, far-out mom who was buying sushi. You know that they were wishing they were me. They were wishing that they had my pallette...

So, I reached in and grabbed me some sushi and put it in my basket. Meanwhile, my children were making every groaning noise they could come up with about how completely gross it was. They were making loud announcements about how badly I hated the sushi. I had to use that mom voice, you know the one where you put your lips so close together that they look like they are just one line. I had to say, "Would you please be quiet? Mommy loves sushi now!"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU SAID LAST WEEK! YOU SAID IT WAS DISGUSTING AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW HOW ANYONE WOULD EAT IT!"

Okay, so there were a few bumpy parts in the whole scene, but for the most part, I DID look the chic sushi patron. I had an extra bounce in my step.

So, we carried our step up to the cashier and I made sure that my sushi stayed right on top of our basket. I made sure that it was right on top of the Fruitty Pebbles and Ruffles. I didn't want it to fall over onto the boxes of Dum Dums or Oreos.

While the cashier pulled the sushi out, the young boy who was sacking the groceries said, "Do you eat this?" Now I was ready to shine... "Why, yes I do.." I said it with my nose striaght in the air... He said, "You have got to be kidding me"

Well, that is where the facade ended. He and I busted out laughing, for I had been coming to this Kroger forever, and I just am not the type. I told him, though, he had better put my sushi right on top. Just give me that much. I want to pretend like everyone really does care what I am eating, and that I have a chance of eating it. And that next time I come in, I am going to be wearing my tennis outfit when I get here..

I am going to come in here in my tennis outfit, holding my Starbucks, and I am going to buy me some Sushi... and that is that... "But, Mrs. Neal, you don't drink coffee..."

You would think that matters to me, those things... but the truth is, I really do want to like sushi because so much of the world likes it.. Why can't I like it...? But, for a moment there in Kroger, I felt myself get caught up in thinking, "I wonder if anyone is watching me with my sushi?" Then, I really did think, "I wonder if that is the stupidest thought that I have ever had?"

But, haven't I lived a lot of my life like that? Don't I pick out my clothes based on what others think? Don't I buy my car based on what others think? Don't I think many thoughts based on what others think? Why?

I was telling the sushi story to my mother at her office later that day, and we were all having a big laugh over it. The tennis outfit shortly followed. Then another lady pitched into the story that she would never be caught dead in a Moo-moo.. (If you are unfamiliar with one of these monstors, they are an oversized gown that does/does not zip up the front) For the most part they are considered a bit unattractive by most civilization.

On the other hand, they are considered one of the most comfortable peices of clothing by 99.9% of all who wear them. Then she turned to ask anyone in that office had ever had one.....

Welll...... my mother and I both put up our hands with pride.... This lady just couldn't believe it. No, Kayce, not you! I told her that while wearing a tennis outfit made me feel as hip as Posh Spice, coming home and sliding myself out of it with a crow bar and easing into my ugly moo-moo made me feel like Kayce. And I was proud of it!

Proving that to be embarrassed of yourself is to loose yourself....

But, I do have to say with all honesty, if I had company come over while in the monstor moo-moo, I would have to crank out the reserve sushi and offer them a bite just to offset the moo-mooness a bit. Get us back on some neutral ground....

I wonder how many people are like this....I wonder how many people I see buying all this "fru-fru" ness are doing so just for the looks of it? I know how often I do it, and now I am beginning to see just how unneccessary it is. And I am a little disgusted with myself for it..

I am learning. I can make fun of myself for it, but I can also be quite a bit ashamed about it too. For does a shirt without a lable mean that the person who fills the shirt is not a quality human being? Does a car without a high quality symbol mean that the driver does not have some relevance to offer this world?

Does a person who is not drinking a name brand soda not deserve to sit with those who are drinking a soda that costs 45 cents more? This name game has gotten just a bit out of control...

And where does it stop? It seems that if you want to play tennis, then you should be able to do so in your t-shirt and sweats just as surely as you can in your cute matching stretchy suit. If you want to play basketball, play it in the streets with a broken net just like those who play it in a $5000 a year gym membership.

Want a boyfriend, look for one who is kind and decent on the inside first, not who is wrapped in fine clothes and drives fancy cars from the outside.

I saw a man today as I was leaving in my own car. I was going down the street and he was pulling out of a driveway in what had to be a $75,000 SUV. He obviously didn't see me and he pulled out so quickly without looking that he almost hit me. I honked the horn just in time for him to slam on his breaks. He pulled back into his long drive way quite far.

When I looked back into the rear veiw mirror, he had his head bent over the steering wheel. I turned my car around to make sure that he was okay. At closer look, he was crying. He was really sobbing. I slowed down a bit, but I didn't get out. In this case, I didn't feel it was my place. Maybe it was, but I just didn't know.

There had to be something going on in his life to make him be so absorbed in his thinking as to not look behind him before zooming out of that driveway like that. And then, when I honked, it startled him back into reality. There are endless possibilities as to what that reality could have been.

He could have just been in an argument with his spouse, friend or child. He could have just lost a loved one. He could be in enormous debt and had no way out that he could see.... And the list could go on and on. I would never know.

We all have issues, and it is about us, not what we drive or what we wear, or especially what we eat... Thank God....

And for those of you that like Sushi... I envy you... I really want to...I think maybe it's the soy sauce.... Or maybe it's just the sushi trying to teach me a lesson....

Allowance

2008-06-19T08:25:00.000-07:00

Getting up this morning. Just posted last night. Wondering why I need to post again this morning. Just 3 months ago I wasn't writing anything. Why this incessant need to do it now? Why this need to write so much now? Why this need to have this goal anyway?

Just a little over a year ago, my life was not like this. I was miserable and now I am not. I was that one that was sitting in front of the TV watching TIVO all of the time. Now I am not. Now I have this definite purpose. I am on the lookout for.. What exactly?

I know that is what I have to get straight in my head. There is the big ole world out there. And it is such a big ole world. It is such a big ole magnificent world that I feel like I have missed out on. But, then I think again. Have I really?

I have grown up. I have hit every age between one and forty-one. I have the pictures to prove it. I had the dolls and the paper dolls. I was able to read Nancy Drew and play in the sprinkler out in the backyard. I was able to go to sleepovers and play with a Ouiji board until I was scared silly.

Then I was allowed to have a broken foot from falling off the top of a pyramid at cheerleading camp. I was also allowed to kiss my first boy in my own backyard playing spin the bottle at my Sweet 16th Party. He was the first one to break my heart, in the end that year.

I have gone to high school and played class president and drama club. I have seen college life and way too much of college life, but, to be honest, wasn't it little but fun? (Even if I do regret a bit of it.)

I was able to meet one or two men that I thought were my destiny, only to have my dreams shattered for the moment. I was allowed to lose my father, only to gain my husband 3 months later. He rode in like a knight in shining armor to rescue me from one of the most traumatic times of my life. I was able to see what true love was after true loss. I was able to experience what story books write about in terms of a fairy tale wedding, because I stood with a man that had truly taken me from heartache to heart-filled without even trying, with only being present.

I have been able to have my first child and to be able to look into the eyes of a first child and feel the overwhelming love that you feel knowing that you created that life....

Then, amazingly, I was able to do that again, and then again. What it is about creating life is so much more than my words know how to explain, but my heart does know how to feel. And I was blessed and still every day I am able to feel that as I watch my children live.

I get to watch them play in the sprinkler and get to help them read books. I get to help them make the calls for friends to have sleepovers. I get to hide in the closet for hide and go seek so that I can scare them silly. I get to experience the smiles and the joy of a being a mother.

Now, I am getting to watch my first born go through the trials of experiencing first love. I hear through the "grapevine" about that first kiss. It is a bit surreal, but it is taking me back and letting me know that yes, I have had such a complete and full life so far. And now, so are my children.

I am on this journey for a reason. Every experience so far has been for a reason. I have this goal for a reason. It has been put into my thoughts, and now I must act on it. I look at life so much differently now.

I want to see success in what I do. That makes playing the game of life different somehow. I think that I have played it well. But, now I want to play it grand. I want my children to play it grand. I want them to look around them and really notice the wonder around them.

I want to notice life as I am experiencing it. I can look back on it and notice it, but I want to notice it in the moment. I am a lucky girl, and I want to remember that while I live it today...

Putting out the chairs

2008-06-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

Umm, yea, well... see, if I were going to.. well, Yeah.. that's right..

Geez, Louise.! That is exactly how most of the answers to my interveiw questions went today. I finally got to go and interveiw with the county office concerning the teaching position. And this 6 year veteran of the teaching field is a bit out of practice. YA THINK???

Can you tell that I have stayed home with children for 5 years. I completely forgot to put my big people vocabulary back in. Wow, and wow. I felt like something out of the Twilight Zone in there. And lucky that I wore black because I was sweating profusely. While trying to maintain that professional look.

The Assisstent Superintendent to the God of the Schools kept telling me I was doing fine while she nodded her head in complete exasperation because she was basically having to make up answers for me.

I promise, the last time I was a teacher, my principle just gave me the job... no interviews. And when I became a nurse, it was basically the same thing. Short and sweet. This hurt me.. HURT ME!

I finally said, "I promise I am a good teacher. Really... Please check my references. I am obviously just hidieously lacking in the interveiw department." She chuckled a bit, but she didn't exactly giggle like I would have preferred.

What she did do then was turn back in my file to my references, and though I couldn't really see them, I did lean forward enough to get somewhat of a peek. And sure enough, there they were. My former principal, vice-principal and a subordinate teacher had sent in their recommendations for me. And from all the handwritting that I saw, they wrote a novel. I could tell by the circled adjectives that they wrote some very nice things.

I was touched and was almost brought to tears right there in the room. I have come along in this journey long enough to realize that this was something special that they did for me. They had to take time out of their very busy days, fill out the very long forms, walk out to their mailboxes and send those forms in for me, in hopes that I would get this teaching job that I want.

Not one person, but three. And they all did it. These are three people that I admire. And they did that for me. That is why I do believe in angels on earth who can change your world. I have no idea exactly what was said on those forms, but I do hear the flapping of wings... that I do know.

It reminded me of how people do things all the time for others behind the scene, and it is never even noticed. I have mentioned before how my son plays the guitar. We are working on getting him in where we can. Right now, he has his sights set on playing on the stage with the big band at the church that we are visiting. It is a large stage with a rather large band.

The first day that we went, that is what caught his eye... the guitar player. Well, it is an adult band, but Parker said he would definitely be able to play up there, even at 14. So, I told him I would have to figure out who had to be spoken to, etc. Also, I felt sure we would have to join the church first.

JUST SO HAPPENS, (isn't that always the way), a good friend of mine from high school goes to church there. He had moved to Nashville to do his music thing there. But, just recently has moved back to our home town due to parental illnesses. Now, lo and behold, he is working at this church. Hmmmm.... I called him and told him I needed Parker in with someone who knew what was going on...

Also, saw another friend at this church from school (remember, we've been out 20 years) and this girl is also friends with the Nashville guy. I tell her about Parker and seeing Nashville... She says great...and so on...

Okay, so everyone says great... We go to a few lessons with Terry and then it peters out a bit... So, I am wondering maybe that wasn't the path I thought it would be..

But, then I see them at a ball game, My girl friend and she says... By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name to Danny, our youth minister, he is dynamic and he is incredible with the guitar... that is who Parker needs.

I see Terry a week later who says.. "By the way, I e-mailed Parker's name.... you get the picture..."

There were unseen angels working for my Parker for his future that we didn't even know about. And now Parker is playing his guitar with the band on Sundays. Just like that. The music director is fantastic and will push my 14 year old in the direction with the contacts he needs.
I was floored.

That leads me to one story that I am not sure I can make it through. We have friends that we grew up with, Gary and Stacy. College sweethearts. 3 kiddos. Had it all. Affluent neighborhood.
Everybody want to be them. Then one morning...it's all done... Stacy never made it to her destination....she was killed on the way. 36 years old. Yeah, that changed that world forever....

What do you do? What can you do? People were scrambling EVERYWHERE... Their house was packed. More food than you could even begin to eat. More errands being run for no reason because no one knew what they could do.... More e-mails being sent to just say something... Just anything....

But, the night before Stacy's funeral, life went on in the church. The kids had basketball practice like they usually do. This would be the same site as the funeral. So about half way through the practic, a husband and a wife that were good friends of Stacy's were there at the church putting out the chairs for the funeral. They were doing this all by themselves. There were to be over 1000 people there. And David and Ashleigh were there in their own quiet way doing this enormous task at 9pm on a Monday night, even though they had 3 children of their own. They found a way to have someone watch their children while they made sure that those chairs were placed properly for their friends funeral.

They spoke not a word while they did it. All I could do was sit in the back and weep while I watched them. For, it took me back to a time when I remembered feeling very, very alone. It was when my father died. I had so many times that I saw the people there, but I had no idea what those faces meant. And by watching David and Ashleigh put out the chairs, I now knew.

Everyone who came to me for my father had done something to be there. They had left work, or they had cooked. Or they had arranged babysitting. Or they had cried all the way. Or they had ordered flowers.

Or, maybe, just maybe, they had set out the chairs...

Everything's a story

2008-06-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

Okay, put 20 more dollars in. Yeah, I put a penny in too. I have to be honest. I was more excited about that penny then I was about the 20 dollars. It is a little bit easy to go and get that 20 dollars out of my husbands wallet and put it in the cash stash, but finding those hidden pennies... not so easy.

The point of getting the money out of Tony's wallet is so that we do not spend it on unnecessary things. I am taking the money and putting it into an account little by little. And then when there is enough... well, to be honest.. I just don't know. I don't know if we will invest... I guess that is what we will do.

I don't know if we will open a franchise of some sort. Maybe..

One of my best friends that I grew up with now has 35 fast food restaurants. They started with just one when we were in high school. That is a thought as well. We live in a very fast growing city. Things are going up everywhere. They are talking about opening about 25 Dunkin Doughnuts in our area. Maybe we should jump on that bandwagon... I dunno.

It just doesn't feel right. Just because one of my best buds from school did it, does that mean that it is my road? Just doesn't feel right. And is that how you are suppose to live your life? I am just not so sure.

Would I want to get up every day at 3 AM to make doughnuts just for the dough? (God, that was terrible.. I am thinking of erasing it, but since I never, ever come up with any kind of pun, I'm going to leave it in..)

Either way.. back on point. I do know that I want to reach this goal. I do know that. I do know that I don't have to reach it tomorrow or next week. I do know that it is not about the money, it is about doing what it takes to become the type of person that makes that type of money.

And right now, I am in the middle of just learning a few life lessons that I have missed for 41 years. And how is it that you miss it? I guess because you are so busy living that you just miss the lessons in it all.

However, now that I am paying attention, it is making life so much more interesting. For example, right now, I am sitting here looking around the room. There are so many things sitting in this room that I pass everyday and pay very little attention to. Why is that? How is it that I have forgotten the meaning of each thing?

For example, right next to me here on my desk is a pen. Not just any pen, but the Majic Kingdom pen that my daughter bought last fall at Disney. How is it that I don't stop and smile each and every time I look at that pen like I am doing right now? Just thinking of her going on Space Mountain... geez, it was so fun. Her hair flying everywhere, me screaming like a small child.. so fun.

Next to that is the Ipod cord. Everytime I look at that I think of my son. My Parker, who constantly has that Ipod in his ears. BUT, the look on his face the day we gave him that Ipod. It was his birthday and weren't we good? We had really convinced him that there was no way that he was going to get it. Even though he HAD made straight A's. Even though he was everything we could want in a son. Yeah, that cord has some significance..

Next to the cord is a white sheet of paper. On that paper are some scribbled numbers. Just some numbers that my son Cole and his friends were writing on today while trying to figure out a puzzle while playing on the computer. They were so loud that I had to tell them to be quiet. But, for the most part, when I see his handwriting, doesn't it make me smile? Doesn't it remind me of how smart that kiddo is? How much he works during school and never has to be told to do his homework? And today, when I had to tell them to be quiet, it was only because they were laughing so much.. not so much of a crime there. Maybe I won't throw that paper away anytime soon. It might have a bit of significance to it.

Everything in my home has a story behind it. Everything. I want to experience my life to the fullest and know that I am going on this incredible journey for the right reasons. I want to look around me and remember what it is that I truly enjoy and that is what I want to build on.

I want to go where my heart leads me. I have never really understood what that means. I have heard it my whole life, but it always seemed like a lot of "pie in the sky" talk to me. But, I really do think there may be something to that. Those people might just know what they are talking about.

For some reason, I have been able to live in a time in history that has computers and automobiles and televisions. I live with not only running water, but bottled water that I am drinking at this very moment. But, more than that, I have finally, finally been given the gift of gratitude.

Somehow, I was never grateful for all of this. I just assumed that it was there for the taking. I never realized that all of this was, maybe, a gift. And we all know that the proper way to accept a gift is with a thank you.

So, now, each day is greeted with a thank you. Each surprise is greeted with a thank you. And there are so many surprises every day. There have always been those surprises, but I didn't notice them before. Now, I do notice, and because I do, more and more seem to be coming.

Therefore, I know, by what has been coming, that there will be such a better tomorrow. It makes me so excited to hear the phone ring, to hear the door bell, or to even hear my child call my name. Because with each one, that means that there must be something new.

When you know that the world is working in your favor, then there is no end to the possiblities. So, I think I might just have to pass on the Dunkin Doughnuts for now...

The slogan

2008-06-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I put $20.00 more into the stash today. For anyone new to this, and I update the purpose everyonce and a while, I am inching my way to a million dollars. If you have read the story of the Tortoise and the Hare, you do know that the Tortoise eventually reaches the finish line.

You know what? I am feeling a little bit smart right now, because I just now, in this very moment thought of that analogy. And the thing is.. the reason stories like that are passed down and taught to children is because they are so true to life, and wow, and wow again, I just applied that to my own life and my own goal. I ROCK!

Since I started with zero dollars , every bit of money that I put in my stash is more money than I started with. I put a little in here and a little in there, and what I am seeing is that I can inch in more and more each day. That is a little more than I had the day before. What I had thought all my life is that every little bit DIDN'T count, but what I am seeing is that every little bit DOES count.

I write my checks at the grocery store for 10 to 20 dollars over and put that into the stash. Meanwhile, I spend less than half than I use to spend on groceries and eating out now. I AM SLASHING PRICES! Yeah, I should start my own ad campaign for myself.

Ah, I just found my niche. Once I reach a respectable number, I am going to sell myself out to teach others how to do it. BUT, I am going to need some good slogans... I just found my first one:

THE TURTLE IS SLASHING HER PRICES--DON'T WAIT OR YOU'LL BE TOO LATE!

Yeah, that was a bit weak... I know, stop throwing cans at me... Ouch! That one caught me upside the headbone!

To get a bit, jut a bit serious again, I have gotten a bit more basic and a bit more profound about it. I was walking down the street at a ballgame and noticed a quarter on the cement. It almost glowed so bright as if it was calling to me. So, I picked it up and went to put it in my pocket. But, then I didn't. I remembered a purse from a slave from "The Richest Man in Babylon",

A slave decided that he would determine that his purse would be his purse of savings. This purse would be where he saved his money only for himself. Once it went in, it could not leave. That money was for him and it was not to be touched. He started with one penny, And with that one penny , he proclaimed that he would fill his purse until it was overflowing. He had the upmost faith in this. It took a bit of time, but not so much.

One tenth of everything that he made went into the purse. Everything else went to creditors, the church, and to his home. But, the sacred purse was his. I now have one such purse.

And it is amazing the faith that I have in this purse. Not because I can touch and rub it like a lamp, it is the fact that I truly have faith that i will do what I need to do to fill it..

I have placed it somewhere so that I have to pass it daily and I give it a little rub and a big thank you. I am not thanking the purse, for the purse doesn't have the power. It is my faith that has the power. My faith that I will be able to fill that purse. It is unwaivering that I will be able to do what i need to do in those moments, whatever they may be.

But, what I need to do is be the best that I can be. It is not all completely about the money. It is sounding like that so far, and I know that.

Oh, one other thing, I had been looking for real money, dollar bill denominations. I had overlooked the money that jingles. No more. This week I have been as thankful as can be to see a penny, a nickel or a dime, or a quarter. They get a jiggle dance and song all the way back to the purse with all kinds of gratefulness.

How I missed that, I have no idea. I guess that was going to come sooner or later. I was a little too dense on the front end to catch that.

This one is looking like it is a lot about money, but it is more about the majic that has occured. How finding small things and being so unbelievably grateful for them. I used to never care about small things and now I almost kneel down at a penny and thank the universe for one, much less two.

It leads me into being thankful in all areas of my life. It is leading me to realize that there are other areas of my life that are also simple that I have not taken the time to be thankful for. I think I am a fairly decent person, but have I really said thanks (not in a corny way) to everyone that I should at everytime?

Maybe I should start. Now with drippy syrup or anything, but I do think that it is warranted in some way. If my mother buys my daughter a bathing suit while she takes her swimming, did I show enough gratitude, or did I just allow her to do it because she always does that type of thing. It is a small thing I know, but maybe it could be a really bigger and nicer thing if I just said "that was awfully nice of you to take care of my maggie today, she looks awfully cute there!" That would make my mother's day.

Just the little things I can find to be thankful for:

When my daughter brings her food to the sink...Yes, that is her job, but do I thank her for that?

When my 14 year old doesn't put down everyone in the room with an attitude for 5 minutes straight...Do I make a point of saying, "I'm glad you are down here with us."

When my youngest son shares his gum that belongs ONLY to him after being asked only 3 times... could I just say Thank you , instead of "Why did it take you so long?"

This journey, I swear, is teaching me so much.

Those were little things around the house that just cropped up, but they are everywhere....

At the drive through, for extra ketchup... thanks...

At the Movie theatre, for the lack of a hassle... Thank you...GOD THANK YOU

Anywhere that anyone goes out of their way in the slightest for me, I have to know that they did that just for me. They deserve at the least, very least, a smile. Then a thank you. I would love to be sure that I go that extra mile and say to them, "You made my day".

That truly does change people, really and truly. The next few people that come in contact with them will be treated so well. Then that will start a chain reaction that will last for many many hours. And it can reach 100's if not thousands of people. It is so powerful .

And really it can start with one person acknowledging another human being's genuine kindness.

I hope that i can remember that tomorrow when I get up in the morning and see my childrens' faces, for that is where ultimate kindness starts... with little bedheds...

Looking Back

2008-06-13T18:25:00.000-07:00

So much today. So many observations. I have found that since I have been writing this blog that I notice things more and more. I guess that is a good thing. I have found myself more and more observant of my own actions which I know is a really good thing. I have really made myself more accountable for how I act and what I say.

I find myself thinking about how others act, and then turning it on myself and thinking, "Who are you to judge what they are doing? Haven't you walked down that road a time or two, Missy?" And then I have to blush all by myself and remember that I probably have in the not so distant past. It is embarrassing to realize that I am not perfect. It is embarrassing to realize that I don't have all the answers, even though I want to talk so much and appear like I do.

Today was a perfect example of that. I was at Kroger. This was after going to the DMV to get my driver's liscence updated. I could write at book just on my experience with the DMV. Now THAT is something that I just don't even begin to know how to get ahold of. I don't know where the misery of that organization began. The lack of seating. The miserable employees. The LACK of employees. The hour luch break that doesn't begin NOR end when they post it, so everyone had to wait outside in the heat while they took their lunch....

See, I am not sure where to begin or end on the DMV. In my head I am wanting to keep going on it. But, there are so many emotions and thoughts swirling around about it, that it gets me riled up just thinking about it. And the thing is... I have my driver's liscence now, so does it really matter? It is done... the moment is over and I don't personally have to deal with it anymore. I can sit here and type about how awful the experience was, but is that going to help my life in ANY way? Is it going to help me reach this goal? I'm thinking not... But, wow, it IS hard to move away from the subject... But... I will...I think... Yes, I will....

Okay, on to Kroger, (still thinking of the DMV--it was rough), back in Kroger, I was shopping in the french fries, deciding between crinkle or seasoned and my mind was clearly focused on that. Nothing but that, when all of sudden, I heard "SIT DOWN!".

I looked down the aisle and saw a young woman, long blond hair pulled up in a pony tail. It looked like it had not been washed in a few days. No make up, shirt half tucked in, tennis shoes tied half way.

In the front of the shopping cart was a little girl who was probably a year old. She was squirming to get out of the basket. She was surrounded by one of those new quilted blankets that are fitted to the front of shopping baskets for babies. Next to the basket was a young boy who was around 4 years old who was looking up his mother and holding on to the basket.

"LET GO OF THE BASKET!" And about that time she caught my eye and just dared me to say something to her. She knew that she was being ridiculously over the top. She had to know. She was being so loud and so obnoxious. All I could think in the moment was "How dare you?"

But, then, I thought again. She had taken the time to put her baby in a quilted blanket in the front of the basket. What had transpired before I came down the aisle? Had she told her son several times to do something and he had not? Had I just walked into a single moment and missed something?

I started remembering being with my children when they were little at the grocery store. I remember what a trying time that was. For whatever reason, that is hard, hard thing to do. For anyone that has never done that, it should be a requirement. For those of you who have, you know exactly what I am talking about.

I am not complaining because I was blessed to be able to stay home with my children when they were little. But, at the time, in the moment, I couldn't see it. In the moment, with a basketful of groceries and three small children in a grocery store, I felt the stress. I felt the stares.

I do not remember ever yelling at my children. But, I do remember being unbelievably frustrated with the three people that I loved more than life. And over what? Putting their hands on boxes of organized cereal? I can look back at it now and see the light. I can look at it now and know that it was all situational.

Just like right now when my 14 year old wants to talk on the phone until the wee hours to his friends... will that really be such a big deal in 10 years? Probably not....

When my 9 year old wants to stay up and watch a movie until 2 AM with his big brother... won't I be glad that they had that time together in 10 years? Absolutely....

And my 7 year old... that peanut butter she just got in her hair last night...won't that be a hilarious story, versus such the stressful time it could have been had I not remembered what 10 years down the road will feel like.... I got lucky on that one.

I felt sorry for the lady in Kroger today. I wanted to feel sorry for her children too. But, when her kids go to bed tonight, I bet she hugs them. I bet that she will tuck them in and kiss them. I bet in the morning she will feed them the Lucky Charms that I saw in her basket when I saw her putting them in her car when I saw her leaving.

Some things we see that don't want to see. But today I saw something that I should have seen. It reminded me to be on the lookout for a better part of myself, even in those stressful times. And can't they all be stressful if we let them? But, really, what's the point...

First Kiss

2008-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

Put one more dollar in. Yeah, I know it's one more dollar in. I know, I know... But, on the other hand... I know... It's one more dollar in. I lost sight of my goal like I said a couple of posts back. I was moaning and a-groaning about my current state so much that I just lost my way there for a bit. I didn't lose faith. Just lost my goal for a minute or two in time,but you know what, since time is an illusion anyway... does it really matter? For my purpose right now, I will go ahead and say "No, it doesn't really matter right now".

I know like I know like I know that it's coming. I will tell you today how I know that things are turning around in my life. Shall I tell a fable? NO? Shall I tell a moralistic tale? No, you say? Hmmm... a bedtime story? Well, you don't have to scream at me, I got it. You don't want to hear that either...

O.k. O.k. O.k... You want those unbelievably interesting tales of my homelife. Gosh, I know how so very exciting they are. I do, I do. So, I guess I will share what happened when that husband of mine came home from work today!

For those of you that have been following along in your workbooks, turn to page, um, 14. (Does that sound right?) For anyone else, you can just follow along right about here.

What you need to know is that our little family is in a bit of a financial crunch. And when I say crunch, I mean a "how-you-say" floor stomping beating. We are in deep "cocci". Well, I have no big issues with this, for it is only money to me and I have absolute faith that we will survive this and overcome it.

My husband on the other hand, who has gotten us into this sweet spot is not feeling quite as optomistic. He has been as down as a man can get without actually turning into a worm and slithering around on the ground. It has been hard to watch. I have been trying with all I can to encourage him and I have been "behind the scenes" with my faith in it. Because I believe in this man with all that am. He knows this, but he has to feel it within his own skin.

Well, earlier this week, he actually did get upright for a few hours and move around a little bit. Going to work and the like. Then he got up consecutively. That was a major milestone for someone in his position. But, then today, he came in and his face had a new light in it. A light that shone a little brighter. A light that was shining like he might have new information.

He came into the bathroom where I was getting ready and plopped his good-looking self up onto the counter. Then he began talking to me. To me. To my face. Like a friend would.

You have to understand here that he hasn't done this in so very long. He has been stressed out forever. He doesn't talk to me when he is stressed out because his rational is that he doesn't want me stressed out too. Seems backwards to me sense we are married. But, that is how he was brought up, so now the cycle is continuing. I have tried to break that cycle for the 16 years we have been married to no avail-- until now....

OK, so this is how he started... "Kayce, I went and talked to someone today."

Me--"You did, who?"
Tony--"Brian"

(Brain is a lawyer in our town who is also one of the best Christian men that Tony knows. Even if you take out the religious aspects of Brain, he is just a super overall great man. Tony admires him more than anyone on the planet. Tony lost his father a few years ago, so during this trying time, Tony has had no male figure to confide in.)

Me--"So, you went to Brian's office. How much courage did that take?"
Tony--"I almost didn't go. I circled his office three times before I pulled in"

(I was having to dab my eyes because I knew that my strong prideful husband was really probably having so many issues going through his mind to have to make himself go and put it all out there to someone he admired so much)

Me--"But, you did finally go in"
Tony--"Well, I decided that since there was just "something" telling me that I should go, then I might as well just do it"
Me--"Was he there?"
Tony--"Not only was he there, but he met me at the door and said "Tony Neal, I can't believe it is you, because just yesterday while I was mowing my lawn, I was praying for you"

Well, at that point in my bathroom, I literally broke down into tears, just as I am now. I mean you cannot even make something like that up.

This strong broken man of man was being prayed for unknowingly by someone who he admired more than anyone in the world at the very time that he was wanting to be with him. Now, COME ONE, please refute that. Please, please, try to tell me that was coincidence... I BEG OF YOU!

Tony said that Brian, the busy lawyer, dropped everything that he was doing for over an hour and sat with Tony. Tony told Brian everything. From the debt to his "habit", which I guess I can go ahead now and lay it out there, is gambling, to his worries about bankruptcy.

Brian eased his mind so much. He told him the same things that I had been telling him. Have faith. Brain believes in him just as I do. OK, so you messed up. Now, it is time to fix it. It is time to go to work and fix the problem. Stop focusing on the debt and focus on the solution.

How to do that, Tony wonders. "You are already doing it". Brain assured him of that. "You are already coming to a safe place where you know you are loved and admired. For Tony to hear a man that he admired tell him that he was admired, well, ohmylanta....

My husband may be getting "it". When he came home I told him that hitting rock bottom can be the best thing that can happen to a person because you can't go much farther down. And coming up feels so good.

Now, he is thinking that since he got it off his chest once, he is thinking about using his story as inspiration for others. But, he is a bit scared of what others will think. I told him that he has so many people who love him. And that out of 100 people that he may tell, there will be fewer than 5% that may, and that is a may, scoff him. The other 95% will love and support us through this.

And that will be when the success will return. And then we will be in a position to begin helping others because we will see how others have helped us. This was such a rewarding experience for both of us.

Then the icing on the cake occured. Yeah, I know, Tony got to feel good, I know he did. But, when did I? You know I gots to get mine...

When it was all said and done, he got down from the counter and came over to me, and took my face softly in his hands and kissed me. Not like a 16 year old married couple. But, like a couple who had just met at a bar kiss. You know that passionate first kiss....

What can I say, this man takes my breath away... I am quite lucky this way....

A final peace..

2008-06-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

With each new post that I write, it seems that I have more and more to say. And the thing is... the thing is, I really didn't know that I had that much to say. No, I take that back. Since I was a small child, I have known that I had a world to say. Ask anyone who has known me, I have always had a world to say. So much so, that they have asked me to walk away sometimes. I even remember people falling asleep on the phone.

One of those people who fell asleep on the phone was my cousin, Debbie. She was that fun cousin. That one who you did everything with. That one who stayed up all night with. That one who you jumped on the trampoline with until you got sick. That one who you played games with and cheated and she didn't even care....

She and I went to church camp together. She and I went to church camp together and then snuck out so that we could go and meet boys and make out. (Yeah, she was that cousin...) So great. She was there when I did everything wrong. And I do mean everything. And she was right there with me cheering me on and having a great time.

But, she was also there with me when I gave myself to God, and she was cheering me on and having a great time. She held my hand through it all and told me I was doing the right thing then, too. She cried with me through it.

She was there with me when my father died. She stayed with me for the months and months afterwards when it was so hard to accept it. She never asked me why I didn't grieve the same way that everyone else did. She didn't ask me why I didn't cry all the time, even though she knew how much I loved my father, and even though she cried over him when I wasn't looking.

She was there with me when I got married. She stood up there with me and cheered me on, because she knew how happy I was. She knew how much I loved this new man I had found, even though I knew inside she was crying for she had lost one of her best friends. She knew that our relationship would never be the same. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I would be the same. I thought that I would still be there for her. I thought that I would still be able to devote the same amount of time to her that I had before.

But, I was wrong. With marraige, came children. And with children, came responsiblities and my time went to them. My time with Debbie over the next 15 years was few and far between and her life took on new path. She met different people and led a different life. She began drinking along the way somewhere and much more than I ever knew.

But, somehow, someway, surely I knew. How did I miss that? How and where along the way did I miss that? She was in and out of the hospital so many times in the past 15 years that she became a completely different person. That happy-go-lucky young girl that I knew was now a much older sad person who did not want to live anymore.

I know that it was not because of me. I know that her life did not revolve around me. I was not her entire life in our younger years. I was not her entire life in our twenties or thirties either. But, something, somewhere, along the way, seems like it could have all been prevented.

As I sat in the ICU room the day of her death, I sat there and wondered all of those things. What one thing and on what one day could I have said something to her to prevent this very moment from happening? As I sat there knowing that I would be with her while she died at age 36, from liver poisoning, what could have been done to prevent this wonderful human being from doing this to herself. Who, if not me, could have intervened to help her?

OR, what if she came her for a reason? What if that is what it is? What if we come here for a purpose? What if her wonderful life and the wonderful memories that she gave me and the wonderful lessons that she taught me will passed down?

Once the ventilator was turned off, it took only a few minutes for Debbie to take her final breaths, and with her final breath, her face took on that look of peace saved only for those who see heaven. I recognized it and I was so humbled and so thankful to be in that moment with her. In that very instance, a million memories flooded me, and I couldn't even cry.

It let me know for certain that life just cannot end there. It just can not. The sense of peace was too overwhelming. The sense of her presence filled the room and fills me now even...

Please LISTEN...

2008-06-11T22:10:00.000-07:00

I put 5 dollars in today toward the big goal. What is interesting about that, is that I haven't really put in any money in a few days. I lost site of putting money in for a while. I lost site of it. You know why..... I do, I do... I was Complaining. I was so focused on the debt that I really wasn't focused on the goal.

So, there. I am going to have to get myself refocused again. And I think I am beginning to focus too much on how I am going to achieve this. And the absolute truth of the matter is that I have no idea how. I do beleve that each of us are part of a dynamic system. And that each of us has a dynamic gift. I do believe that I have a gift that I can offer. I am waiting to remember what mine is. I am waiting to see what my destiny is.

But, here is what I also know. It is not going to walk up to my door and hand me an envelope and say, with a cute Elvis Costume on "Here, Lil' Momma, Here's your destiny. God sent me Special Delivery, jus' for you...." And then I get to watch him gyrate back into the heavens. Whereas I don't really think that is true, I do have to admit that I wouldn't doubt that completely either.

I am so open-minded these days, that I would believe anything. I am not being competely sarcastic in that statement.

What I really do know that it is not necessary for me to just sit and wait on my destiny or for my gift to appear. I know that I must do all that I can with where I am and with who I am with every moment. I must act accordingly every moment with success in mind each moment. And sometimes that is so hard to do.

A great example was given to me last night. It was so small that I almost missed it. My young son, who is nine came in from playing with the neighborhood kids. He walked past my husband and I, who were sitting in our den. Cole, our son, said not a word, but went into the hearth room and starting watching TV. I asked what was the matter. He yelled back to us, "I Quit!" I told him to come in the room with us...

When he did he told us that he didn't like the way that they were playing and that he just said that he quit. Well, his father jumped on him about it saying, "You are going to have to stop acting like such a baby. All the kids in the neighborhood say that you act like that and they are not going to want to play with you."

At that statement from his father, Cole's face changed dramactically from mad to instantly sad and white, and I could tell that a nerve had been struck. You know the one that is struck when someone has really hurt your feelings and your are not sure why. I also knew that my husband has just gone too far.

I knew that this was not true. I knew that my husband was listening to something that one parent had sad about my son and it was quite biased. I could understand that parent's point of view as well, but it certainly wasn't the sentiment of the entire neighborhood, for Cole had so many visitors every day to our house. And now, he had just been made to think that they all did not like to play with him because his father, his hero, had just told him so.

Well, after his father told him that, Cole left the room and went to his bed and got under the covers and cried. I went to him and asked him if he was alright. He said nothing. I asked again. He said nothing. One more time and this time, he said quietly, "Nobody will listen to me." I said, "I will listen."

He said, "The reason I quit was because I wanted to be the receiver in the football game and I told them that. They said that I could. Then someone else's dad was throwing the ball. He wouldn't throw it to me. Then, one of the other kids said, 'Cole, we really don't need you anyway'... So, I just sat down on the curb. They weren't paying any attention to me. So, I quit"

Now, that made sense. If my husband and I had gotten the whole story instead of just making him feel small on the front end, his feelings could have been spared...but instead...a small child was made to feel weak at the hand of his parents...

How many times does that happen over such insignificant instances. And how many times can they be avoided. I was so glad that Cole had the nerve to speak up to me and say "You didn't listen". I don't think that we as parents have the right to make our kids do everything that we say just because we say so. We don't know everything. We should make our decisions after knowing all the facts.

The night ended with my son curled up in his father's lap crying and his father stroking his hair. Yeah, that same father, my TONY, who is being this man that I hardly know. He is wonderful and awesome. Better than before.

This is not to say that Cole did get off the hook completely. He was told how important it is to stick with a game once started, but he was able to give his entire side of the story like a human being, not like a child who is scared to talk to a parent .

To continue the story a bit, I went to the store today and there was an elderly man just standing there holding a basket of groceries. Just standing there. It is 95 degrees outside the store. And when I walked passed him, he caught my eye. He wouldn't let me look away.. You know the look? So, I said hello... And he said...." You think it will snow?"

HUH? What was that? I almost walked away... but I didn't.. You know why. Because my son had taught me a lesson the night before... to listen. People have something to say. (I am telling the truth, that is why I stayed)

"You think it will snow?" he said it again.
I said, "Why do you say that?"
He said, "Because I saw it snow this time of year in 1945"
I said, "Really, where"
He said, "The Artic Circle-- I was in the Army--it was 33 degrees below 0
I said, " I am fascinated"
He said, "It was so cold that we couldn't even turn the engines off or take clothes off because we would freeze to death or the planes would freeze up."
I said, "That is one of the most interesting stories that I have heard in a long time"
He said, "Imagine living it. And you kow what, most people won't take the time to listen, or they think I am crazy when I start taking about it."
I said, "I don't think you are crazy. I think you a hero. And I think I am blessed to have met you today. Would you be too embarrassed to give me a hug right here in Kroger?"

And that he did. And it made my day.

All that happened because I screwed up listening to my son. What great lessons our children have for us. Everyone wants to be listened to. I know that I do. It is so frustrating to be trying to get your point across, isn't it? I have tried to make a resolution to let other people talk more than I do and ask as many questions of them when they are done talking to be sure that I understand what it is that they are trying to tell me.

I'll never forget the man on Aisle 7 in Kroger who almost froze in the Artic Circle... what a hero...

YO ADRIAN...

2008-06-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

Okay, here is how this works. I am not sure what to write today. Right now, I am just starting out writing. Seems like I have so much to say and not sure just what to say. I have so many things going on in my mind.

I have to say that I am sure that things are so much better in my life. But, in the first place. Were they really that bad? I look at things from an outside view. And, were they really that bad? I mean, really? I look around my home at all that I have... Oh my gosh, I live in a beautiful home. What in the world am I complaining about?

Here is the deal... we are worried about what might happen. And here is the thing... I don't even know right now what the thing is. Right this moment I am hitting a block. I don't even know what to write right now. I am conflicted because I don't know where the money is going to come from... I just know that it is going to come. I am that much convinced that it is going to come. I have that much faith that it is.

I feel like a complete moron in this place writing about it though. I feel like a jerk to be honest to be writing about money. I need a place to vent and I don't want to do it in a notebook that I keep under my bed anymore. Since I have a place to do it, I want to do it. I don't really want to do it with my girlfriends, because I don't really want them to know all my private business.

Since we live in a place and time that this type of blogging is available, I feel completely blessed to able to do it here. Right here on this forum. I am still blown away to be sitting here doing what I am doing right now. It is almost a surreal experience. I mean, I feel like I know some of the people that are reading this right now. I feel like you guys are reading this and going, "Come on, this isn't rocket science, you know!"

But, here I am still talking about it. That is the thing. I have to stop talking about it-- I think. OR maybe not. I don't know.

I am still waiting to hear about the teaching position. They were supposed to call either yesterday or today. They haven't called yet and to be honest with you, it is making me a bit nervous. I don't want to be nervous. That is not completely in my nature. But, if that job doesn't pan out, then what to do?

I am sounding completely negative. So, how to turn the switch. I have to turn the dial. I have to change the frequency. I am trying to turn the dial. I am going to lose my listeners if I don't change my own dial here.

Today, I know what I am going to do. I am going to keep my IPOD on my songs. That does it for me. That really does do it for me. That sounds so completely corny. I know that it does.

It cleans my pallette. Does that sound like something so unbelievably ridiculous? I know that it does for anyone that doesn't do it.

But, my children will probably find somewhere else to go. I will be that wierdo that I mentioned in one of my other blogs. You will find me dancing all over my house. I can't dance. Not at all, but guess what I will be doing? I will be dancing AND I will be singing. Yes, I will. AND, I will be singing LOUD!

There will be Sexy Back and Aint no Mountain High Enough and EVERYTHING from High School Musical. You know why... Because they are songs that you can't help but dance to. There will be a little Grey's Anatomy in there and a little New York, New York, too. And for someone who can't sing, the dogs around the neighborhood will be howling.

And the sad part is, I will probably have the windows up so the wind can come through and the light can shine in. So, the neighbors will hear and the neighbors will see. And guess what? I don't even care. Because, when this chick is happy, guess what happens, it is contagious.. they will ask what I am doing... but when they ask, they always ask with a smile, and they always end up staying an hour or two and I always tell them the truth... "I am being happy."

Have you ever seen those people in the store who are singing out loud? Most of the time if you look at them and make fun of them, you usually do it with a smile, huh? Those people are happy and they don't care... They are just happy.

Yeah, I just cheered myself up. Oh my god. It is so easy to get caught up in the stupid things in life. The things that don't matter, the things that can be fixed so easily. The things that have solutions that will work themselves out. I am going to go work myself out.

Oh, that is another thing.. the work out. From the beginning I have been talking about how I have been wanting to run. I mean, like, run.. with my legs and all. That is another part of this journey. I am trying to get to the point where I run (well, jog... let's be realistic) about 3 miles a day. For me, it was a struggle to just MAKE myself put my tennis shoes on. For any of you who work out, you are probably shaking your head at why this is even a big deal. For those of you that don't, you will understand..

Well, to update... I have been playing tennis about 2 times a week now, and I have been walking at least a mile almost every day now for the past month and jogging about a half of it. That is a really big deal for me. Some of that has been 2 miles.

Yeah, that last part was a little boring, but I needed to write it out because it made me feel like Rocky or something... YO ADRIAN... I'm awesome....

Happy Birthday

2008-06-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

YeaY! I turned 41 today! And guess what, my husband actually was able to make it out of bed and came over to me and woke me up with a kiss. And a big "Happy Birthday"... I am sure you have followed along enough to know that that was a far stretch for him and his downer mood.

That took some serious mood adjustment on his part. He was actually in a good mood. He was ready to go to church and everything. Seeeeeee..... i knew it was coming. I consistently had my mind on his healing all day. I didn't say it on here because you guys would have gotten board with that, but all day I said, "Thank you for healing." Over and Over. Just to myself. ANd I believed it. I really did.

Of course, I thought that it might take him a few weeks or so, but there he was, my Tony was back. He was happy today HE got US up for church for the first time in , well, ever. And then he disappearred.... HMMMM.....

He said he would meet us at church. okayyyyy? It was okay. Because our day was starting out right for the first time in a bit and I was ready for it. This is how these days of my life roll now. I am so open for big days now becasue I thrive on them you know. SO, we got ready for church EARLY. And for those of you with kids know, that doesn't happen very often, but we were riding the big wave of positive energy this morning.

THen he came in with my birthday present....ANNNND THen,, I was thrilled. I was expecting nothing, given his state of mind over the past few days. They were tennis outfits... so cute. He was so thrilled with them and so it was a holly jolly happy morning before church... with money we shouldn't be spending.

I look at that 2 ways. We shouldn't be spending it.... OR, Tony has now gotten his confidence back and now knows that he will be earning enough to be paying for these things. That is usually how it goes. SO, we will see there. Either way, for today, I just don't want to focus there, for the feelilng is good.

After church, went to eat at a local BBQ joint that will make you sick if you are in there too long, but the food was just nasty enough to make you know that it has the perfect atmosphere to be real home town cookin'. We had a ball.

We came home and I took my 14 year old to the church for youth band. He is dynamic on guitar. ANd he really is very good. That is for another time. But, did I mention that he is very good? If there is any one reading that wants to sign him on today, you better get him, because in a short time, you won't get your chance. He practices 4-5 hours every day and loves it. He is just now beginning with this church band, but I am not sure he will last long there, he has already outgrown it, but it is a starting point. Either way, I got caught up there with him, because I love to watch him play, so I was that nerdy mom sitting in the back watching her kid play and dancing and kind of yelling out everytime they gave him a solo to do, you know the moms? Yeah, that's me.... How embarrassing , HUH?

Came home and there was my good looking husband out doing the yard. He was not curled up on the couch. He was outside working. I can't tell you what a big deal that was. HALLELUHAH!

He really is coming out of his funk! He is realizing there is life out there! He has been working so little lately and then coming home and staring at that tv undercovers for about a month now. So, now he is not. I knew that I could help him. I just didn't know how long.

True faith in those we love works. It works. Okay, here I go, crying again....I guess I'll go... gotta get a Kleenex... It was a good day...

Late Morning

2008-06-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

I didn't even get out of the bed today until noon. No real reason. Didn't really feel the need to get up. Wasn't really anything to do. I could have been working. Since I had no job to go to, I just didn't get up. THe kids slept in, so I did to. My husband was home since it was Saturday, but since he was still in his somber mood, I really didn't want to see him either.

Last night before I went to bed, I applied online for a nursing job. I know on my last blog I said that I was going to wait for the teaching job to appear. I still am. I have to wait until I know something is there before I full fledge take the nursing thing. BUT, I feel like I need to do something.

I could be making about 3ooo a month for the next 2 months with the nursing thing. Why not do it? Well, like I said in the last blog there are several reasons. But, isn't the time for complaining over? Isn't the time for doing now?

I think that I have to put my own personal interests behind me and move forward and know that I am making the right decision. I don't completely feel wrong about it. I mean, just going for the interview can't be all that terrible. My husband has got to feel good that I am at least moving one of us forward.

The thing is.... The MARKET IS GOING TO TURN. THE MARKET ALWAYS TURNS. And when it does, his business will be doing so great. And when he gets back on track, hopefully he will get all that goofy debt paid off quickly. Then, we can move on. We would love to open up a franchise of some sort.

We have best friends and family with so many people that have done that very thing and have done so well with it. We are like the ones who haven't done it and I do believe we are missing the boat here. We have people who can give us advice, but we are too scared to take it.

Plus, there is that matter of the "Bad Habit". If he doesn't stop... Well, we will never get ahead. Maybe I am letting out too much information. But, it is helping me so much to do so. Everyone who has left comments has done so with so much love that I am overwhelmed. I have said it before.

I feel like I am at one of those camp meetings and you know when one person is talking and everyone comes to them in a circle and stands near them and then just hugs them. That is how I feel. And then the one with the problem begins to feel confident and feels like they can now conquer because they have their fellow campmates behind them.. Yeah, that is what you guys have done for me.

I am lucky in the respect that I can recognize that it really is love coming through. I really thought that there woud people who shunned me. I think that is my own lack of confidence. Or maybe that is who I used to be. I don't know. But, each time I log on and look in. There you all are and I swear, it feels like you are in the room with me. I FEEL you, and it is overwhelming.

Whatever we do, You will all be a part of it.

Hubby is still undercover and not moving around alot. I, however took my oldest to play tennis last night and it was wonderful. Great time. and then today took my babies to swim. It was good to get out into the sun. They swam while friends came to me and talked to me. I could feel the love from them and the encouragement from them as they talked. I did not talk about any of the details of the blog. That is saved for my private talks and those of you who are kind enough to take interest in my private life here.

These friends talk of superficial life on the outside. Yet, they still surround me and still hug me and still ask about my life. It still makes me smile. They offer me solutions to everyday small problems and trivia. I take it and I help them as I can. WE laugh about our children and our friends. The talk is light...

When they ask about my husband, I say he is well. Is that to trick them, or is that because I want to know that he will be well. Because I do know that. I do know that this will pass. Just as It did for me. I know this with all that I am...

So, am I telling a white lie... Or am I telling the ultimate truth.....?

I can see clearly now...

2008-06-06T11:40:00.000-07:00

Sat with my husband last night as he cried a river. He is not seeing things like I do. I am having the love spill in from all over the world with this blog. But, that is not the only love that I feel. I feel the love from within me. I have the love from the past and from the future. I know that sounds completely corny. I know that sounds like every cliche in the world. Does it not?

But I have determination now. I have a determination of a bulldog now. I have seen some things in my life that have been really hard to deal with and now we are talking about money? Are you kidding me? Is that what we are fretting about?

This is the thing... I can find a way to get money. Surely... It is as easy as finding a smile. If you see someone that is not smiling, surely you can get them to smile. Don't you just have to smile at them first... and then they smile... And if that doesn't work, go out of your way to talk to them, and if that doesn't work, then make a funny face, and if that doesn't work, then well, well, get naked, do something... but, I bet.. you could do SOMETHING to make them smile.

If I really want to get us out of this jam, I can. By GOD, I can. Right now, I am so unbelievable thankful that I am not depressed about life and about my situation that I don't know what to do. I am so unbelievably thankful that I can finally see life for what it is.

No, I do not think that money is the whole reason for living. But, I do know that we are in a jam right now. I do know that we need to get out of this jam. I do know that we need to get our head together and figure out what to do. Focusing on the debt and focusing on what is WRONG is not going to fix this problem. Focusing on a solution is going to fix this problem. SO what can I do?

I have 3 kids. I have to figure out a way to bring in enough income to help my husband out until he can get himself together enough to do it himself. I know that there are a million ways to do this. He can do it himself, but he is in such a state right now that he cannot do it.

Right now, I am just writing it out. I am brainstorming it out. I am writing to write to get it out on "paper" because I know that I have to get it out of my head. My kids are used to me being at home, and it bothers me that I would be away from them. I worked the night shift for a long time and it threw me off so bad that it just about caused my marraige to dissolve.

He is wanting me to wait until school starts to teach school. That is a decent income, and it is what I love to do. It is what I am called to do. It will give us a good supplemental income, but I am wanting to do something right now. I am feeling like he needs me right now. I am feeling like I should do something right now. My heart tells me to go back to teaching. I love the kids and I miss them with a passion. But, on the other hand, I feel that I should be doing something right now in the moment.

I also feel that I should be here with my children. I should be here at home so that my husband is free to be at work the hours he needs to be there. See, here I go again focusing on what I can't do. I need to focus on what I can do. There had to be something that I can do.

It feels like it is right here. It feels like it is right in front of my face and I am missing it. What am I missing. You know like that picture of the vase with the 2 women infused into it? What am I missing here?

Should I go ahead and nurse right now, even though I will probably go into teaching in 2 months? Then I will be leaving my children at home for most of the time during the week.That doesn't feel right. Is it supposed to feel right? Life is good. I know this. Also, being a nurse is something that is so far from what I do with my heart.

When I was a nurse. I was sick most of the time. I was physically sick every day, at the thought of going into work. My husband is adament against it.

Oh good grief, there I go again, complaining. That is not at all what this blog was supposed to be about. I promise that I feel better. I feel good. I do. I am just blogging it out to try to figure out where I am going to go with everything. I am looking around me knowing that it is coming. I know it and I really do. Just trying to figure out what I am going to do today. And when I say today, I honestly mean TODAY.

Going to the pool with the kiddos.. And I guess that is what I am supposed to do. I feel like that is what I am supposed to do. Love my children with all that I am. In the moment. Support my husband with all that I am. I am waiting to hear if I am going to be teaching in the fall. They are supposed to let me know something in the next couple of days. Until then, I am supposed to just love and be thankful. I know that I am.

Meanwhile.....?

A good cry

2008-06-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

When is the last time that I had a really good cry? You know the kind that makes your head hurt for a few hours afterwords? The kind that you have to hide from your kids because there is just no way to keep it in?

Yeah, that kind... I think it has been over a year since I have had that kind of cry.

I haven't needed to. I don't need to now either. I am letting stupid circumstances control me. And I do not think that it is about the money either. I don't think so anyway. I am writing this out to try to get some control over it. Good grief, at least I am doing it now rather than about 8 hour ago. If I had done it then, there would have been no way to understand what I was writing.

I read in "The Four Agreements" yesterday about how everything is situational. How is it completely irrational to take things out of context. Yet, that is completely what I did today. I took one thing that was said to me and took it through a joyride through my past.

I was able to pull up memories of what other people of said to me and then I just spiraled down. I tried to pull myself out of it. But, really I didn't try that hard. I think that I just wanted to be sad for a day. I spent the day yesterday being grateful and more grateful for what is coming. And then today I spent the day completely UNgrateful for what probably is not even in existence.

I blew a situational incidence completely out of proportion. What I am finding out more and more is that situations can be avoided before they occur. And this particular incident could have been avoided. It was small and then became large. If I had done one little thing different, then everything would have changed. The whole event would have never happened. Ever had that realization? I am having them more and more.

And now that it is over and my pity party is over, I can look back and see where I was wrong. I can see where I can take little steps to keep giant monster catastrophes from occuring.

I used to have these crying jags quite often. Then they stopped. I became this different person last year. I became happy. What has changed recently? I am letting this negative "energy" around me affect me. I am letting those around me pull me down.

My husband's worry over work. The neighbor's worry over her kid. The neighbor's fighting with her husband. My friend's constant complaints about finances and her kids.

How do I get back to the place of being happy? Right now I feel like a big weight is on me. I know that I was happy not too long ago.. And when I say happy, I mean enlightened happy. I mean, one of those people you see and wish you knew what they knew. Because, I had been introduced to the something that was real. And now, because I am letting in the negatives again, it is started to get to me.

I am not sure that I am making a lot of sense to anyone reading this. I just know that I was so concentrated on finding out who I was and what "it" was all about, and now I have lost "it" somehow. I have got to myself back together.

Maybe I am so focused on finding "it" again that I am searching too hard. Maybe I just need to let go again and let it find me. Happiness, true happiness is out there. Love, true love is there. I had it. This was universal and it was pure and it was mind blowing. And I had found it. And now with my mind going in 50 million different directions, I am not focused anymore.

It took extreme concentration for me to get to the point of finding what I was looking for, but I did. And it was good. Oh my God, (literally), it was good. I have got to get it back.

Okay... I think I might have to go pray... yeah....I think....

Letting out the real deal..

2008-05-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

Put 80 more dollars into the stash... movin' on up...

We have Dave Ramsey as our guru right now. Someone on the blog suggested him to me, and so, see...now I am listening quite intently to him and following his practices. And, sad to say, I wasn't before. It just never occurred to me to live life the way he is suggesting. What a big difference it is going to make in our lives. We have to get started on it soon.

We have already got a baby step done...

We have established an emergency fund.... Hubby doesn't know about that one. Like I said, he is not on board like I am, but he will be when he finds out how well it works.

Next, we are cutting out some expenses. This is a little more difficult for us, for we are used to living like "ken and barbie"

We are going to stop the lawn care that comes and spray the weeds, we are going to stop the house cleaning services, we are going to go down to basic cable (that will be a tough one for the big guy) We are going to stop going out to eat as much as possibile or any at all.. (also a big one). We will spend no money in vending machines for I will not keep cash on me. I only have a debit card and since I know that he checks it daily, he will know what I spend.

Those are a few of the first ways we will stop spending and I am thrilled with so many more ways that we will stop. This is the first summer that we will not be going on a vacation. The kids will be less than enthused, so I will make it up to them by being an extra great mom at home.

You, see the problem that we have, I am going to lay it out there for you all to see right now, is that we owe, just in unsecured credit card bills over 136, 000 dollars. Not small change.

But, guess what, that does not deter me in the least. It came on by a rough habit by someone in my family who was going through a rough time. I think he is about done with it, so now it is time for me to help him get his lfe back to together. That is part of the journey. If we can successfully beat this... which we will....OH MY LANDS! What else can we beat...

So, I have to help him understand that we conquer it one day at a time and one bill at a time. And we pay a little extra here and there, and we only focus on getting it paid, not what we owe.

So, that is my inner most gossip. But, as shocking as it may sound to anyone reading it, it does not faze me in the least. It is just money, just paper. And after all I have been through in my life, we can handle paper. We will get control of this. We are doing the research that is teaching us how to do so. And we are ready for the ball to start rolling. But, I guess it has already, because we are starting to feel it getting under our control instead of letting it control us. We will make it, because that is what we do.

We have a goal to reach and the only wasy to reach goals is to go through a few obstacles...

TRYING to be different..?

2008-05-28T22:05:00.001-07:00

Well, I am trying so hard to be this great blogger. Trying to add pictures and all and change my background. I have no idea what I am doing. I tried one day to change the background with some other website, but I didn't make much progress. It just basically took it all away. I know that I probably could if I put a little more effort into it. But, I spent 3 hours that day and got nowhere.

It is all so foreign to me and I feel so useless. I know that is what it is all about: just keep trying, but I am just so lost. All that talk of HTML and all. I did finally succeed at putting ADWORDS on here, but then I decided that wasn't the way I wanted to go about it. I didn' t really like the ads that they put on there. So, if someone really does know a way for me to do the background and can really walk me through it with the patience of JOB, I would really appreciate it.

I want so badly to have a cool blog with the pictures and all, but so far, I just feel lost there. That is part of the journey, you know, to succeed at something I have never done before. And this would be a really good start for me. To have a uber great (in the words of Raffy Jay) blog. I do enjoy the writing, but I would love to have a great background to go with it. I saw one that I really liked by Final Girl. It was so creative and funny. Her headline at the top was hilarious.

When I come to someone's blog and they have such an appeal to them, that really is such an eye-grabber, I know you all know what I am talking about.

One other thing that I really do want to mention here is the response that I have gotten from everyone. I have been so surprised that I have not been slammed by everyone. I can tell you right now that if I were to mention my goal to anyone in my family that they would tell me that I was crazy. That, of course, is the reason that I don't. They would tell me to be completely practical. I am so done with that. I am forty and have been practical my whole life, and that way of thinking has got me nowhere.

Of course, that is not true either. I have a husband and 3 wonderful kids. But, we have made mistakes and now we are ready to rectify them. I have made more than my share of mistakes by being practical, by not setting goals and by not looking ahead and trying to be the best that we can be.

I think that it is PERFECTLY okay to live practically, if that is all that is wanted. But, for me, now, it is no longer enough. And the response that I have received from everyone that is commenting has been so overwhelming at times, I have actually been drawn to tears.

Honestly when I began this blog, I thought that I would have to go on the defense for stating this goal, but it has been completely the opposite. I have had people defending ME. People have been routing for me. That has thrown me off gaurd and has made me have to go in another direction. I have said it before that it has made me become accountable for my actions, like I am not only doing it for myself anymore.

Many people have actually said that they are giving me love. I know, I know, that it is "just people typing". But, here's the thing. It is PEOPLE typing. I am a person typing. And I know how I feel when I type and I know that I have feelings and I don't just throw my love around. So, when I read the love after love after love, it starts to sink in, and I feel it. That is why love is such a powerful force.

That is also why faith is so powerful. That is why I am so glad that I started it. That is also why I know that this big ole' world is not so big after all and that I am not so small in it. And that each of us plays such a vital part in each other's lives. I am living proof of it. Someone completely across the world makes my day almost every day now. Tht is truly powerful. Any book that is recommended to me, I order it and I am in the process of reading it. Any film that is recommended to me, I am trying to find it and watch it.

For I feel that if someone takes the time to tell me about something, then it must be worth my time to take me farther on this journey. I really do feel that they have my best interest at heart. I am looking at every opportunity to live this life I have to the fullest. The comments that have been left for me are not just half-hearted, they have been heart felt, and I am grateful and I think of you all daily.

And that is saying a lot, since I have three kiddos who fill up my day pretty completely. Right now, I am nursing my husband who fell playing tennis 3 nights ago, and when I saw him fall, I mean-- he crashed. It was a minor game, but it was our first family outing tennis game of the summer and he nailed the net and the court all in one whack. See, we could have made 10,000 dollars right there towards our millions if we had had a camera for funniest home videos! (No broken bones)

But, to fall when you are 40 is a big fall! No real moral in the story, just thought that I would let you all in on what is going on here. I had a few good moral stories to share, but got all caught up in the frustrations of trying to change my page and my gratitude of your comments...

So, I guess I will let it go there... Thank you and thank you

A Sour Face

2008-05-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

Put 40 more dollars in. For those of you that are new to this blog, you probably can tell by the title, I am on my way to a million dollars. I throw a little in here and there into a savings account. I am not telling all the specific financial details of it all. That would get way too personal and I know that. Plus, I think it might be a little bit tacky. But, it is good for me to be accountable, so I do tell of the little "bits" that I put in.

That keeps me from spending it on fast food or other little things unncessarily. For example, this weekend we went for fast food and instead of spending 20 dollars for five of us, we spent 13 each time. No, that is not a million dollars, but it is moving us that way. Yes, it is. It is hard to see that if you are looking at the small picture...

But, if you are looking at the big picture. It is there. It really is there. Every little bit helps. My husband has begun to see it too. "How do you eat an elephant?.......

"One bite at a time" That is his analogy. Not mine. And for those of you that haven't been following this blog, you have to know that my husband has been hard pressed to get on board this goal with me. Anyway,

All that said to say that the whole introduction about the money was to just say, again, for anyone that is new to the blog that I am just going to say that the goal really isn't about the money at all. I say it all the time just to re-empasize it. I have found over and over in my research that the money is just a perk. Most of the people who have money are actually people who live very extraordinary lives. They are champions in many ways that don't have very much to do with money at all.

They became champions within first. They had to win before the money came. You have to succeed before you can get money. Therefore, that is really my goal. To become a success at what I do in my life. To continually stive to become better and better at what I do. It is very hard to do. But, the more I try, the easier it is becoming.

One of the main things that I have had to realize is that no one can do it for me. I have blamed other people for things that have happened in my life, and that is a new concept to me. To take responsiblity for things. That is a hard thing to wrap myself around. Whenever I criticize ANYTHING in anyone, I have had to look at that situation completely different and see it from their point of view and then see how it could apply to me..

That brings me to my point... Did I take too long to get to the point? Maybe... Yeah, that's what I do. (Can you even phathom what my husband has to deal with?)

Yesterday, I was driving through my neighborhood. There were some kids riding on their bikes down the street. They had towels around their necks like they were going swimming, and they were about 10 years old. They were so carefree and looked so happy. All I could think of was how I used to be and how fun those times were.

I slowed my car down to make sure they didn't swerve out into the road in front of me, because kids will be kids. They were so involved in their swimming adventure that I was sure they weren't paying much attention to me. Plus, they were talking to each other across the road and not even looking at my car. But, I didn't care, for I was so happy for them. They were getting to be kids.

Then, a woman came by in another car the other way. She didn't have quite the same attitude that I had. She purposely slammed on her brakes and mouthed, "Damn Kids!" The kids' expressions quickly changed to fear as they went to the side of the road and put their feet to the ground and waited for her to past. The look on her face was so sour and her eyebrows were knit together so tightly that she looked like one of those evil characters on a cartoon. I was scared for the kids.

Don't you remember those adults who were like that? Don't you remember being scared of those people? I felt what those kids were feeling right then, and I was so mad at that lady for making them feel like that. I thought, "Why don't you just let them be kids? Why do you have to be so sour?" I got myself a little worked up about it all in about 10 seconds.

But, then in the next 5 seconds, she had driven away, and I looked in my rear view mirror and guess what I saw? The kids were back on their bikes and their were laughing again. They were riding and they had forgotten the lady with the sour face! They were off for their swimming adventure once again...

How had they done that? Why weren't they mad at her? How had they forgiven her that quick? I thought about it all they way home...

This is what I came up with. Those kids had it all figured out. Her unhappiness just didn't matter. Her unhappiness was not their unhappiness. It was OK for them to be happy and her unhappiness was not directed specifically at THEM. They were able to see it for what it was. A momentary peice of time. They didn't have to hold onto it like we do as adults. We start thinking of things and analzying and questioning everything that people do.

I was so impressed with the way that those children handled that woman's anger. They did stay on the side of the road.. so they did learn from their mistake.

But, they did not let her unhappiness become their unhappiness.

Also, I began to think about her unhappiness and I realized that their could have been a million reasons why she was unhappy. A death in the family, finances, an abusive spouse... so many reasons. But, the fact is, I have to realize that if someone is unhappy, there is a reason. We are born happy and only circumstances make us unhappy.

It is up to me to keep myself happy. I was letting her sour face make me mad. That was unfair in so many ways. I have no idea what she was going through to make her act that way. And, also, how many times have I reacted to situations like that? More times than I care to say, I am sure. I am not sure I have said those exact words, but then again, maybe I have, and I just don't remember. She may not even be aware that she said them.

There are times that I get so overcome with anxiety or grief or exhaustion that it is hard to stay happy, but this is precisly what is required. Because, in the moment, really, the moment, everything can change.

Faith

2008-05-23T20:53:00.000-07:00

Here's the thing... Even when he, my husband, is so stressed out. Even when he is still so unbelievably worried, why am I not? We were that couple. We were the ones with the house on the hill. The huge house on the hill. You know the ones... Barbie and Ken. And, well... now we are not. We sold that house, for a variety of reasons. The main one being that I got sick with all that pain in my mouth. I won't go into all of that again.

I talked about that in one of the blogs a few days ago. It is a memory that is so ridiculously painful that it has made my mouth hurt since I wrote it.

Either way, now, since he is in the mortage business, and I have talked about this many times before, he is so worried about his next paycheck. And I have to say for the upteenth time how frustrating this is for me. Reason being that I believe in this man so much that I can't understand why he doesn't believe in himself.

It takes me back to a time when we were first together. 17 years ago. We were just starting out. He had bought his first home. It was a small, very small, home. He had just graduated from a very good college. He had put himself through. He was the first one in his family to go through college. He worked three jobs while going. He supported his mother while going.

And, when he got out of school, he worked for a company that made those tents that you see at parties, you know, the big white ones. He made the big salary of 19,000 dollars. But, it didn't matter. They were telling him it was a starter position to get into management. That lasted about 6 months and then they fired him.

And I remember him outside of his home throwing apples at the brick wall in the rain, so desperate because he had only 50 dollars in his account and no way to pay his new house note and car note. And we were about to get married. He was a real grown up for the first time. And, even then, I couldn't see what the problem was. All I could see was the man that I knew that he was. All I could see was potential. I knew that he would fix it.

I told him that then. And I remember him looking at me and expecting to see sympathy and it was something that I couldn't give him. Because I didn't feel like he needed it. I knew that he would find a way. Because it was what he had done his whole life.

My husband is a doer. When he needs to do something, he does it and he does it well. Not because someone else expects it of him, just because it is something that is instinctive within him. I recognized that within him then, and I still do now.

The thing is now... he has forgotten. He has lost his way. This morning when I was trying to help him remember, he actually cried a little. I haven't seen him do that in so many years. It is hard to see a strong man feel weak. It is also hard to convince someone that everything is going to be okay.

It is hard to teach faith, especially when you remember what it is like to be without it. He feels like his is drowning and I suppose that is what men do with finances when they feel like their family is relying on them.

This is also where real faith on my part comes in, because not for one minute do I not feel like everything is not going to be okay. Not for one minute do I feel like my goal is out of reach. I feel it coming now more than ever. Whatever is ahead of us is part of it.

He says that it must be his time to go through a "rough patch". I have been there, and it was so unbelievably painful. But, I have to say that it changed my world in such a way that I don't think that I could see life the way I do now without having gone through the pain. That sounds like a cliche, I know, but I guess you have to live it to know.

I never noticed rainbows until this year. Sure, I saw them, but I never purposely enjoyed storms in hopes of seeing the rainbows that followed.

It feels like today

2008-05-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

This is the first day that I have begun the day wondering... I wonder what is going to happen today? I wonder what experiences are going to come my way? I am going to be on the lookout for people and places that are going to come into my path that are meaningful. That puts a whole new spin on everything. When you look at life as something that is suppose to take place for your benefit, then so many possiblities are open to you.

I just left my daughter's awards program at school. She was so happy to get her paper awards. We have an entire day ahead of us. Who knows who we are going to meet. Who knows what all we are going to be able to do. This may be the day that I stop smoking. This may be the day I am able to run that entire mile. This may be the day that... who knows?

At any time...everything changes. In writing this blog.. someone will read it that I have never met. That changes everything. They may write something to me to open my mind to possiblities that I never thought of.

Who I meet today and how I treat them will change who I am and where I go. It will also change them and where they go. I saw a woman at the store the other day. Her hair looked great. I thought, "I should tell her." I thought about it for a few more minutes and then finally, I did. I walked over to her and I said, " I know this may sound strange, but I just wanted you to know, I think your hair looks great. Great cut."

You know what, she actually got tears in her eyes. She said, "I can't believe you just said that. I was having such a bad day. Thanks so much." I can guarantee you that it changed her day. It also changed mine and the way I look at people. I can guarantee that she probably pays attention to the way she looks before going to the store now, too. This is not a pat on the back for me. Just the contrary. This helps me more than it helps the people that I say it too.

If I see someone in great car, I tell them. They bought it for the recognition, so I tell them. It doesn't hurt me one bit. It gives them a little pick me up. So what if they are vain? It made me feel better for making them feel better in the moment. It made me smile and then I walk away smiling and then it is contagious.

Have you ever seen anyone in the store with a sour look on their face and then you smiled at them and then they smiled back. They really aren't evil after all... They are really probably a great person. We just assumed they were awful.

Okay, so feeling good. Really good. It's a coming! I feel it. The goodness is coming. I wish I could bottle the feeling. It's like when you felt that boy coming toward you that you had the crush on for a month... and you know he is going to talk to you... yeah, it's that kind of feeling.

I'm ready.....

Runnin' on

2008-05-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

I actually jogged most of my mile today. I told my daughter that she could go with me. This was with her on her bike. She was like a drill sargeant all the way. She was yelling at me all the way.
"YOU CAN DO IT."

"NO WALKING." It really did help. And I did do most of it. I really knew that I could walk the mile. But, jogging it? And, for the first time, I felt better after doing it. My husband bought me clothes for Mother's Day that are a size too small, and I refuse to take them back. For, that is part of this journey. If I see something that I want, I will strive for it, and I will succeed until I get it.

That is the faith part of the journey. It is different from just wanting it. It is knowing that I will have it and knowing what i have to do to get it. It is just one size too small for me. And, I know that running will allow me to wear the clothes. I have given away all the clothes in my closet that are a size 12, except for one pair of jeans and one old pair of lounge pants. Everything else, I gave to someone else. She was thrilled to have them. I don't want that to be a part of my life anymore. I have no problem with other people being that size, but for me, I was unhappy there. I could not comfortably bend over and tie my shoes. I knew that being that size meant that I wasn't paying attention to myself anymore. That meant that I would just continue not paying attention anymore.

I am not going to starve myself. It is not my style. I am just going to focus on looking my best. And when I say my best, that doesn't mean any one else's best. Once I reach a size 10, I may be perfectly fine at that. I think that I will be. If not, I will shoot for an 8. But, right now, I am only shooting for that 10.

Anyway, I was listening to Tony Robbins tape as I was jogging and being yelled at by Drill Sarge- ant Maggie, and it was so encouraging to know that Robbins really was at the bottom of the barrel when he finally made up his mind that enough was enough. That is exactly what happened with me. If you have read any of my blog, I did the same thing. I was sick and tired of it.

It is so true, any change can start at any instant. Like right now, I am STILL sitting here with my cigarettes. Why then, can I not make the decision to go throw them away? Say it right here and now, I am done. That instant will make a decision that would last a life time. Every decision we make changes our life forever. FOREVER. Instead , I lit up again.

What can I do. I am beginning to research how to stop smoking. I do whole-heartily believe in self-improvement audio tapes. They have helped me so much. But, I bought one on smoking. I got the wrong one I think. I didn't help or I didn't give it time too. She said 6 weeks. I gave it 6 days. Should I keep on listening? I was listening in bed hoping it would sink in to my subconscious.

I prayed, but I think that I prayed wrong without enough faith. I am asking, but I think I am not listening right. I do believe that my prayers will be answered if I have faith, so what am I doing wrong here. Funny thing is, while I am writing this last paragraph, I am getting quite nauseated. And the reason that is funny is that one of the things that I prayed was to give me some nauseation when I smoke so that I wouldn't want to smoke. And that was about 6 days ago. This is the first time that has happened.

Yeah, writing out your intentions is good....

Summer's here!

2008-05-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

Probably my most productive day since I started the blog. My kids are finally out for the summer. And I made my first really productive list in a long time. On that list included:
Ride a Ripstick
Play Soccer
Go to the Park
Play with Blocks
Play with Webkins
Play with Reecey (the dog)
Make Kool-Aid
Throw the Frisbee

I haven't made a list like that, I don't think.... Ever. And my oldest child is 14. Those were the kinds of things that we did AFTER the "important" things got done around the house. Well, since I stay home, I told the kids that they could make their own lists and Mom would follow it during the day this summer. Everything would have to be free on the list. As long as it was something that we could do that would not cost money, then we would do it. If I didn't, then they would put things like "Go to Disneyland", just because they have no real concept of things like that.

On second thought, maybe I wouldn't hate that so much. Put you get the picture. But, what happened was. We were able to do each one of those things that were on the above list today. It took about 6 hours, but my kids were astonished and we had a really good time. And guess what else? Everything else that I needed to get done, well, it gone as well. It just got done a little later. I did my house cleaning beforehand. (For anyone who reads regularly, you know it's a clean-thing with me every day) and then they were fed on time and then well, we played. Most of the day.

And guess what... it was a productive day. Isn't that what we are on this earth for? Isn't that what a mother is put on this earth for? To play with her children? To teach them what love is? To laugh with them? I feel like I spend so much time worrying about things that don't matter a flip to anyone but me. So, as part of my "journey", I am finding out things that really do matter.

And, today, I found that I can actually devote a HUGE chunk of time to my children. I can actually truly enjoy it. I can actually have a great deal of patience while doing it. The world is not going to fall apart if I don't do adult activities that don't really matter anyway. And when the day is over I am going to feel like a better human being for it. My kids went to bed feeling more loved than when they woke up.

Doesn't seem like that would lead to a million dollars. But, the thing is... any thing that makes me feel successful is leading me there. Today was one of the most successful days of my life. And I am the only one that knows it. And that is all that counts.

WHAT???

2008-05-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

You know, I just wrote my last post, and then I went about my usual routine of searching around to see what other bloggers are up to. I feel like I am at a party and catching up with everyone when I do that.

Anyway, when I did, my first stop was to someone's blog who had pictures of her children smiling and happy at school. Then I thought about mylast few blog entries and how depressing they were. Then, I got so frustrated with myself. I began to think about my children and how great they are. How they don't have any idea of all this goofy garbage that is in my head. Or maybe they do, because Mom has been in a bit of a bad mood.

And, anyway, why am I talking about lack of finances here? Isn't that a bit off course with my goal. I am done with that talk. I am being a little ridiculous.

I have such a great life and all I have been doing is talking about the downside of things. That is what got me into the shape I was before. People can shun the whole positive thinking thing all they want to, but I am proof positive that it is what it is. It works and it is real.

It is the only way to look at it. My daughter today, when I went to pick her up at my brother's house, had on 2 different kind of socks. Boy's socks at that. A dirty t-shirt from playing in the mud and her hair was a mess. And Oh my God, she looked so cute that I could hardly stand it. No, that is not positive thinking. That is just real. That is the only way that I could see her. If I had just seen the mismatched outfit, then that is just undo and self-imposed stress.

It didn't even occur to me to see the mud. All I saw was my free-spirited Maggie that everyone else sees. She doesn't care right now about clothes while she is playing. There will be a day that she does. But right now, while she is 7 and she wants to be a child, I want her to play. I want her to be a kid and I want her to be dirty and fun.

Right now in my garage, there are 4 buckets full of water with water balloons in them that represent 4 families that she made up. Yes, it is messy and is taking up room. But, it is also cute and kid-like and I love it about her. I can pour the water out when she is done with it. It is allowing me to experience a different world with her.

I am so glad that I saw that blog. It inspired me and I am thankful to be back on course....

Letting go...

2008-05-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have spent the last couple of days having a few hissy fits. And where has it gotten me? Into quite a bundle. I feel like I used to. Of course, nobody reading this has any idea who I am, so you have no idea what that means. I was that person who was unhappy for no reason at all.

Well, of course there were reasons. There are always reasons to be unhappy, if you look hard enough. But, I was that person who had every reason to be happy, but I was just so determined to be unhappy that I created a world that became unbearable.

At this point I want to go into how horrible my world became, but I just don't think that I am going to do that. Because for the past couple of days that is what I have done. I have sat and thought about how terrible things are and what can I do to change them. Well, if I just sit and think about how things are terrible, then what am I going to get? Ugh... I am still talking about it!

I am tired of talking about my husband and his lack of seeing it my way. I am tired of thinking of a way out. The way out is coming. I feel it. So, now it is time to act. Nothing is going to get done by just thinking of the negative "yuk".

So, enough of the "darkness". The thing is, I am tired. And I mean, physically tired. And the reason is because I take medicine. Not a whole load of it, but a certain type, just one, that makes me tired. I take this for a condition in my mouth that is unknown. It started about four years ago now. They cannot figure out the cause. It burns uncontrollably most of the time.

I think at this point I am going to go into a memory that I haven't gone into in a long time. I may end up erasing it, but we shall see...

The pain was so severe and the prognosis was not good. The doctors were ignoring me, for they could find nothing wrong. No one believed me. I remember one night at two in the morning sitting up and thinking that there was no way that I could live with that type of pain. I had written a letter and everything. The doctors had told me that I was going to be living with it for the rest of my life and I would have to learn to deal with it because there was no medicine to cure it. The bottle of pills was there on the table. It would be so easy to get rid of the pain. Just like that. Oh, God, it hurt so bad. Somehow, I made it through that night (and many more like it).

That occured about 2 years ago. I think that once you have almost taken your life, you have a new perspective on life. You see things very differently.

That put things in a very neat nutshell. It was hell, and now it is over. I decided last year that I was done with thinking about my pain. I decided that if I was going to have to live with the pain then I was going to simply ignore it and live my life to the fullest instead. Once that decision was made, then the pain subsided quite a bit. There are even days when it is not there at all.

But, for the past few days it has been there, and I am having a bit of a time ignoring it. And I think it is because I am thinking about ditching my medicine. I am tired of being tired. I know that you have to take the good with the bad, but I can't seem to get anything done.

There is quite a bit of research out there about pain and the subconcious mind. I have done a little bit about it, but I think that I need to do a bit more. I want to go back to work, and my husband needs me to. My salary will not bring us very much right now.

That is not the point. Once I do go back to work, that will give him peice of mind to do what he needs to do. He is so down in the dumps right now that he cannot concentrate. My paycheck will allow him to "feel" like he has some help. I have stayed home with my children for 5 years and it what they know for the most part.

OK, that really sounds like I am getting past it, huh? I guess that I was not. Maybe I was on a very big high when I started this blog, and now I am just going through a bit of a low. But, isn't that what writing is all about. I am imagining myself sitting around a table with a group of friends. If I was doing that, would we really just be talking about the good times? Wouldn't we share all of our feelings? Wouldn't the rough times come out, too?

I have held in my feelings for a very long time, and now I am ready to let it out. I think that is what this journey is for me. That is what this road is for me. To get rid of the bad. To let it out. What I am finding I have to be careful of, however, is not to get caught up in them. Not to let them pull me back in. For, there, of course, is so much more.

If I can have the courage to write it all out, then maybe, I really can let it all go. It may be painful, but, hmmm... wouldn't it be nice to get rid of it all. That is an interesting concept. Letting go...

A good cry...

2008-05-17T14:11:00.000-07:00

A little bit at my wit's end. Just stopping in for a bit, as we are going out to eat at my brothers. I guess today I am really just writing to write and get some feelings out. I still have no doubt that my goal will be reached. Really, I don't.

It is so hard though. My husband and I had, yet, another "conversation" about finances. He is so worried about it all. That is driving me crazy. He was up this morning actually listening to Ramsey's CD, which I thought would be a great thing. But, that is not what he could see.

All he can see is gloom and doom. The thing is that if gloom and doom is all he sees, then that is all he will get. And it is hard to not get sucked into that. I don't see it the way he does, but it is so hard not to get down about everything else.

I watched a show today and a quote was said "The funny thing about the future is: It changes every time you look at it." That is so true. If he sees the gloom coming, then change it.

But, then again, why am I trying to change him? I can't change him. I can only change me. If there is anything I have learned in my whole "change" process is that I am the only one I can do anything about.

I walked about 3 miles today. While walking I was thinking. And I was thinking all about him. What he was doing wrong. All of the wrong thinking he was doing. Then I realized that I can't do anything about that. I can only deal with myself. So....

What to do. How do I help this situation? What I do know is that each successful thing that I do will lead to another and so on. And if I am grateful for something in this moment then I will begin to be grateful for something in the next. And that I can't fake that gratitude.

For the past couple of weeks, I have lost my gratitude under this veil of stress. Yes, he has been stressed, but have I helped that by focusing on his stress? I have to concentrate on each moment differently now.

It is not helping to continue to tell him not to worry. That is not what he wants. I thought that was it. I was getting mad because he was not responding. That is not fair to him. I have to take whatever it is that he is saying and see it from his point of view. Then, I have to see it from a bird's eye view. Then I have to see it from the future. What should we have done? What could we have done? What would we have done had we known better in this very moment?

We can't do anything about the past. We can't do anything about the future. I have to act only on the moment at hand. I have to make the best of right now. I have to know that if I make the best of the moment right now, then future moments are going to be the best as well.

This I do know. So, why am I worrying today? I know it is because I love him and it hurts to see him hurt. But, it is doing him no good for me to worry? So, I have to get back to where I belong.

Again, so thankful for blogs. So good to be accountable. I was all set to go to my brothers with a bit of meloncholy. No way! This is a party!

Squeeze the lemons...

2008-05-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law is so funny. Whenever she would get stressed out she would put her palms out by her side face up and say "Squeeze the lemons". While saying it, she would close her eyes and act like she was slowly squeezing lemons with her hands.

This was her guru interpretation. So, whenever I feel stressed out these days, I "Squeeze the lemons". Today, I could have made a bucket of lemonade.

I do not expect to reach this goal tomorrow. I do not know when I will reach it. It could be tomorrow or next week in the lottery, or it could be 3 years from now in a great investment, or it could be 10 years from now when I finally become a famous writer. I have no idea. That is the thrill of it all. That is the thrill of living. That is thrill of this whole thing. That is what faith is.

I have it. I really do have it. BUT, my husband does not. For the second night in a row, we have had another long "conversation" about finances. He assures me that he does not want me to worry with him, for that would just make him worry more. I assure him that I do not have it in me to worry with him.

Then, he mocks me a bit. "It's a little hard to see that everything is going to be alright when there are no calls coming in" This said with his hands kind of flitting around his head. He is basically white as a sheet and as worried as I have ever seen him. Everything is fine for today. And tomorrow. But, he is foreseeing how terrible things are going to be in a few months.

How do you convince someone that everything will be okay if they will have faith? I remember someone that I admire very much telling me many years ago: "If people could just look at their problems from outside of their problems, then they would see the solutions so easily." I didn't know what she meant then. But, I surely do now.

The business IS there. He is just so down right now that he is wallowing in his despair. That is natural, BUT it is doing him no good. I know this feeling. I have been there and have come back. But, it was very hard. It is so frustrating to me that he will not hear me. He does listen, but again, because I am not in the same business that he is in, he seems to think that I do not know what I am talking about.

One of the things that I pointed out to him last night was that this time, maybe the problem had nothing to do with the business at hand. What I did was say that maybe he needed some help to find out how to get help to stop being worried. And that we live in a great time. For, there are resources out there for this. Amazingly, there are resources to help you not worry. That is where I thought he should start. Just start somewhere.

Just type in "How to stop worrying". And there would be a jillion sites to help him. Geez, but I am rambling. SQUEEZE THE LEMONS!!!! I just hate it for him, for the business will come. It always does, but this is as bad as I have ever seen him.

On a different note. I am listening and researching Dave Ramsey right now, with the rest of the country. Glad to know that I am doing, and actually, we are doing some of the things that he says. And for any of you that know Dave Ramsey's story. Well, that is basically our story. We haven't reached quite the bottom he did, but we definitely reached that top level that he did. And that is why I know that we can again.

The first time that we did, we were young. We were very silly with our money. We had the home. The cars and so on. One of the things that I have read about money is that until you are ready for money, you will never be able to hold onto money. Well, I know that I am so ready for it, and to learn how to use it correctly. It holds my interest.

And, AGAIN, for anyone who reads this blog, this is not about the money. It's the journey and all that I am going through on the way there. I repeat this alot for anyone new to it. I am as far from materialistic as they come. Wouldn't seem that way from the title of the blog. I am as blown away by my quest as anyone. But, it is something that I feel that I need to do. It is something that I feel I need to set my sights on. I don't know how to explain it.

And in reading Ramsey's book today, I am seeing that I am going to really have to do some serious readjusting to do it...

Oh, also, for anyone who has been reading... walked 3 miles IN THE RAIN yesterday... that is a big one. My friend called me while I was on my way to Burger King. It made me furious. But, I turned that car around a walked anyway. I was so proud of us!

And, I am still smoking. What to do? Somebody has got to help me on that one. I am going to have to offer a reward or something for that...

He asked...and it was given

2008-05-14T21:52:00.001-07:00

Stopping by again today... I never did get around to the real conversation that I had with my husband last night. He came in from work very down and stressed about the lack of clients. I told you that he is in the mortgage business.

Well, the market is down right now.

Yeah, I know. I know. I know ALREADY! So, I let him tell me all about how business is not coming in very much and how it is going to be a bad month this month.

Then, it was my turn. For most of his long career in mortgage he has been able to have the business come to him. NOW, it is time for him to go and get the business. He is very good at his job. He knows what to do and he said that he doesn't need me to tell him how to do his job.

He is right. I do not know how to process a loan. But, there is a glitch in another part of his thinking. What people who are successful do differently than those who are just getting by is: they continue to learn. Maybe in the situation that he is in now--maybe he needs to learn how to deal with this situation.

I don't want to preach to him. Not at all. I am on his side. But, for me, the one person in this world who believes in him more than anyone else... it drives me crazy for him to be worried about work. Mainly because I know that the market will turn in his favor soon and he will be fine.

Instead, and granted, he gets stressed and worried when it is bad. I stress to him that watching the media and listening to downsayers who talk only about how horrible things are is only making it worse for him. He is going to have to ignore that.

But, he just looks at me with 3 heads. Since I am not in the business. I can understand that. So, last I asked him point blank what he needed to do to feel good again. He said, "Make more money". Then, I said, "Well, do it then". He said, a little heated, "It's just not that simple"

I told him that it also was just not that hard. I ask him if we could get real for a minute and really analyze the way he worked. He barked "I know what I need to do, but..." "But, what?" I asked. Then, the silence. It is just the fear taking over.

That damned old fear. Isn't that what gets us all? Getting past that fear of going into a situation.

By the end of the discussion, I finally pulled out the big gun. We don't usually talk about the big things because they make him uncomfortable. But, nothing was getting through.

I left the room and then I came back. I said, "Have you ask for business to pick up?" "Have you just said out loud that you want business to pick up?"

He said "Who am I suppose to ask?" I said, "You know, I know that it may be a far stretch to ask God, because it is hard to do when you are not sure who you are speaking to. But, I am telling you, this is something that works. And it works fairly quickly."

We go to church just like everyone else, but we don't really talk the talk outside of church. And for anyone who has read my blog, you know that I have mentioned my very good year. I have asked for quite a few things this year... and well, I have gotten them all. And it has been extraordinary the way I have received them. I have told my husband about a few of them, but I didn't go deeply into it with him because when I would get started he would sort of cut me off and say that he just wasn't ready for it all.

I can appreciate that, for I remember being there. This is not a religious statement whole-heartedly. This is a factual statement. You will see many of them revealed as I go along.

But, I went on to tell him to try it. He doesn't have to do it when I am around. Just say it to the air if you want to at first. Just say, "Please, can you help me here. I can't do this alone. I need help with my business." Or something along those lines. Or whatever it is that he felt that he wanted to say.

I then said, "You know, He wasn't called the greatest teacher for nothing, you know." My husband knows how many concrete things have happened to me over the past year and he does believe in the results. He just has not been willing to let them happen for himself yet.

OK, today he came home, and told me that a client that he has been trying to get for a long time finally called him today "out of the blue". I asked him why he thought that happened. Guess what he said....

"Well, I just asked...."

Errands complete...and my legs hurt

2008-05-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Put 200 more in. But, again, so excited about that, but more excited about this: I walked 5 miles yesterday! Yeah, I did. For anyone keeping up, this is a big thing for me.

I got up yesterday and made up this big excuse for why I couldn't walk with my friend. She said OK, but then she called me back and pretty much insisted that we go ahead and walk that afternoon. Then, we walked 5 miles. See, I told you guys, this is not about the money.

I do have 2 blisters on my feet and I am so sore that it is hard to walk today, but I proved to myself that I could do it. Of course, I know that I can do it. It is just a matter of, "Will I do it?" It is just so stinking boring. I have to get to the point where I am running so that it doesn't take so long. We were out there for about an hour and a half.

And then last night my husband came home and for the umpteenth night in a row, he was stressed out about money. See, I haven't even gone into this yet on the blog because I just didn't want to get too crazy personal. But, you know what, it is going to get that way anyway before it is all over, so well, I'll just go ahead and dive in a bit.

He is in the mortgage industry. And of course, WE ALL KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THINGS ARE ALL OVER! I swear to you, if I hear that one more time, I think that I might just blow a gasket.

He is stressed out to his limit right now. Then he brings that stress home. Then we are all stressed. But, here is the thing. We are stressed for different reasons. He is stressed about not paying bills. I am stressed because I don't want to say any thing to "set" him off in his stressed out state. The kids are stressed because they don't want to be too loud because Dad is home and for some reason right now (being the last year) he is a little tense.

Now, I am not in the mortgage business. No, I am not. But, I am educated. I have common sense. Also, I have had a very good year. AND... AND... AND... I have experienced a few things in the last 17 years of my life that put me in a position to see this whole thing from a very different point of view than he does.

This is where things will get very personal, maybe not today, but probably in the near future. I am not sure I am completely ready to open up here. Not for the sake of anyone reading, but for my own as well.

There are things in life that happen. There are things in life that are bigger than the mortgage business. There are things in life that really DO matter.

I am not sure how to write about these things. Like I have said before, I am not a writer. I am just living this. I want to write about it all. I do. I want to write about how I lived it. I want to write about how I experienced it all, and how I survived it all, and how I will conquer it all with more than flying colors.

I am not sure how to do that. There are just so many people out there that are struggling to figure out how to muddle through their day to day life. And Oh My God. Their is no sense in muddling through when there is so much life out there.

I watched American Beauty the other day and one of the lines in the movie was "There is so much beauty in the world that sometimes I am not sure that my heart can handle it." I can now see that. And I look back and wonder why I never saw it before this year. But, I don't regret it, for if I had not experienced all that I did, I would not be in a position to see what I see now.

I know that none of this makes sense without putting all the facts out there. I am rambling a bit today. Maybe because I am not sure where to begin with the whole story.

ANYWAY... I will stop with that for now. I think... think... I may go walk. It is late afternoon, and the kiddos are home. I will have to be a hamster and just walk in a loop around our neighborhood circle 9 times to hit 3 miles. Did I mention that walking is boring?

Also, I did do ALL those errands today that I have put off doing forever. Now, that may seem like nothing, but for all those who have ever put off doing things and the list has piled up, you know what I am talking about. The freedom that comes with getting things done allows you to move on. Hmmm... what next?

Out of the stillness...

2008-05-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

I put 220 more dollars in. I am excited about that. I am more excited though because I walked two miles today. That is not really the whole story. I didn't really walk it. I really jogged most of it. No, not really. I jogged about a fourth of it. But, that is good for me.

My girlfriend that is walking with me every day did not show up this morning, so it would have been really easy for me to say forget it and just not go. I went home and debated whether to walk. This blog was what pushed me on. I KNOW that it sounds crazy, but it is so true that putting your intentions down on "paper" will get you going. Having comments from folks telling me that they are on my side in this is so helpful as well.

I got up and I walked. And while I was walking I began thinking. I really began to think and think. I began thinking all about the books I have been reading. All the people who have "made it" before me. All those who will "make it" after me. And how I will, too. AGAIN, it is not the money.

I began to think about the author Napoleon Hill who walked every day. While he walked, that was his time to think. He would be grateful while he walked. So, I started doing that. Then, I started thinking about my future and I starting being grateful about that. And then, it started up again. I started seeing my "BIG" future ahead of me.

I don't know what I see. And I don't know how to explain it. I just feel it. I just feel the goodness around me. Then, I stopped walking about midway back home. I just stood there looking out into the field that was there. Just me and the trees and the tall grass.

It was complete silence. It was a ludicrous thing to do. But, I did it anyway. I said it out loud. "If I am doing this right, show me." And then it happened. Out of the stillness and the heat, the cool breeze came. It came up from behind and it blew THROUGH me. I held my arms out by my sides and let it penetrate me. And I felt it with all that I am.

I don't know if you believe in this type of thing or not. But, I know that there, alone, and now, as I write, the tears came and still come. It was bigger than me and it was why I started this journey. I started it to find the bigger things in life.

I have said many times during this blog that this past year has been a very good year. And this morning was a very good morning...

Just stopping in

2008-05-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Having got much time today. Have got a busy day, but writing on this blog is essential to me now because it is helping to keep me on track. It helps keep me accountable. I am still listening to Jim Kramer yell at me.

I don't necessarily understand all that he is talking about, but it is driving home the need to invest. Again, this is such a new concept to me as saving is all I had ever heard. I had always thought that saving for the future was the way to go. But, now my thoughts are changing so much. Investing--that seems to be the way to go.

But, as I am learning in a very short time... I have to do my homework. Don't even know where to start. I guess I won't know how to do my homework on investing until I do my homework on how to do my homework. Did that make sense? Well, to me it did.

I did walk/run today and yesterday. I am keeping myself on track with that. I am wanting to stay on track with that, which is amazing in itself. I have always hated, and I do mean hated, to do that type of physical activity. I still don't love it, but I want to do it. I want to get to the point that I am running the 3 miles every day.

But, also, I am still smoking. Why? Why? Why? Not as much, which is an improvement. But, where is the will power to quit? Still praying to quit. But, must be doing it incorrectly. The smoking is not an enjoyable thing for me anymore, so maybe I am moving in the right direction.

This "road to a million dollars" is opening so many doors that I just didn't know about. I am still so happy that I am doing it. It is a daily adventure. I can't wait to get up in the morning and see what is going to happen. How I am going to change as a person...

Til tomorrow...

Mad money

2008-05-08T22:38:00.000-07:00

Listening to Jim Cramer yelling at me about Mad Money. He has me so fired up about that. I went from Eat, Pray, Love to Jim Cramer. That was quite a switch.

I took most of the day off to dance, yeah, that is right. I danced most of the day. I do that. After I listen to a big motivational book and get myself all smart, I clean my mental pallette with some dancing. My ipod is loading with about 250 "dancing" songs. Everything thing from "Sexy Back" to "Hannah Montana" to "Crazy Train". Today I was dancing in my kitchen to "Apologize" by Timberland.

This just loosens up my mental train of thought. I pulls me back where I need to be so I can start over. It kind of sets me onto a blank playing field. My kids and family and close friends know that this means one thing....she's going into the VOODOO again.

That is a funny story that comes from my son actually. About a year ago, I began to change. I started realizing that I could ask for things and they would come. Basically I just learned what faith and grace were. But, one a person has realized these things, it is hard not to share them. Anyway, My son walked in one day and said, "Mom, how do you do that voodoo stuff you do?"

I laughed so much. And then told him that it wasn't voodoo, it was just well..... I didn't really know yet... All I knew was that I was asking for things and I was receiving them. Just by asking.
He said that he wanted to do sit ups every night. That was a year ago. He now does 400 every night. ...... True story.

So, whenever mom starts dancing around here. Yeah, it must be the voodoo. And mom was dancing today. To sexy back and Apologize. Two of the most voodoo songs on the planet, huh?

I do what makes me happy. And dancing does that. I don't dance well, and I don't care. I dance because it makes me feel good. I have been doing it for a year, and as we know, it has been the best year of my life and that feeling is spreading to all those around me.

Oh, well, enough of that for now...Just a little insight into the voodoo story in case in comes up again, and I am sure it will again. That is just our brand of it.

Bought Capri brand cigs today. Remember those. YUK! Is that a step forward on quitting? They are terrible! I am asking for help with this. Really wanting to want to quit.

Til tomorrow....

30 more

2008-05-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Put 30 more in. I am very excited about this. Even though I know that I am simply moving money around, I know that I am moving around with a purpose. I am moving in into an account with the purpose for investing it. Learning all about these mutual funds, and the Dow Jones and what not.

For those of you that know all about all of this, you are probably laughing at what I am saying. But, this has never been my world. I have never known anything about this. I am just now learning about it. And what astonishes me is why I have never wanted to know anything about it. Why am I wanting to know about it now?

All of sudden these things are interesting to me. All of a sudden, these things are coming into my focus. I see a very bright future that includes my family and friends, but I am seeing other things now too. Why is that? These are things that I am wondering about.

I went to lunch today with a friend of mine and she was talking about how her job was going to be eliminated soon. She had no idea what she was going to do. She said that she and her husband had saved money for her kids to go to college, but there was not nearly enough yet. That is many years away.

I asked her if she had ever thought of investing it. I told her about our friend that had made it "big" from grammer school by investing. She said that could never happen for her. I asked her "Why not?" She said that those things never happen in the "real world".

I think that I am tired of living in real world. I want to live the world that I create. The real world, as I see it, is the world that people allow to go on around them. The real world is the world that revolves around us. I am ready to create my surroundings. The only way that things are going to happen for me is if I begin to act and react to things that happen for me.

Again, all of this is new to me. I have lived always thinking that everything that happens to me is because of what other people have done. This is completely untrue. I could have controlled most of those circumstances ahead of time. I have spent the last year really contemplating this. I have taken many of the "bad" things that have happened to me in my life and rewound them.

What I have come up with is that if I had taken one or two steps differently along the way, then my circumstances would have been very different. Of course, this is the ole' "Hindsight is 20/20". But, this is so true. And, I am tired of living in hindsight. I am ready to live for the future, not by the past.

So, here's to today... and it was a good one...

I actually prayed today. I actually prayed about my smoking. I think that until this point I didn't really want to quit. I think that I wanted to say that I wanted to quit just to say it. But, I pulled out a big gun today and I prayed, AND to make matters worse, I actually had faith that I am going to quit.

So, the tobacco companies may be taking a small hit because of me and my habit (or lack of) quite soon.

I learned quite a lot this past year about prayer and how it works. It is quite powerful. This is not a religious statement. It is just a fact. My life is proof of it.

Again, good day today. Thank you, lil brown hare... loved the stock tips... I'll get there yet!

Such a dummy

2008-05-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ok... I have to start somewhere. I have mentioned that I know nothing about investing. The only way I am going to learn is to read. My very first friend that I ever knew is now a multi-millionaire. He and I have been friends since we were infants.

We grew up less than a mile from one another. Went to grammer school, junior high and high school together. Went to college all 4 years together. Our parents spent every Friday night together. I have 2 brothers that I love dearly, and he is like a third.

Watching his success in business and as a person has been remarkable. It is not about the money. That really has been a perk in the whole process. He enjoys having all the pretty things, no doubt. But, it hasn't changed who he is. He loves me just the same. He loves our family just the same. He loves his family just the same. We are all together for all the holidays and any time that he is in town. (He has had to move because of his job.) We talk often by phone and internet. He has a second house here and comes during the summer.

One of the things that he has told me often is to read as much as I can. He says that he reads three or four books a week. I told him that I do the same. I agree that growth comes that way. I was trying to grow a different way as I stated in my last blog. I was trying to get myself out of my "funk". And I did. The book I was reading the last time I talked to him was "Happy for No Reason". He laughed and said, "Well, are you?" I laughed back and said, "Yes, I finally am!" And he said, "Well, it's about time!"

The book he was reading was "Cocktail Economics". I told him that I thought that book was out of my league. He said that I was underestimating myself and that if I could read then I could understand it. And, that if there were things in there that I didn't understand, then it was my responsibility to go out and research them.

That made sense to me. I did go and look up the book on the internet and sure enough, it looked like something that I wouldn't understand. Economics was something that was so boring to me in college. Sooo boring. But.... I guess in order to reach this goal, I am going to have to dive into this area of understanding about economics and investing.

So, I am taking the first steps. I started that today. I typed in "Investing for dummies". And about a jillion websites came up. And surprisingly, I understood them, somewhat. I mean, if so many people have made money doing it, why shouldn't I be able to do it? I am not saying that this is definitely the avenue that I am going to pursue, but I am not discounting it either.

What is the harm in my doing research on investing? I know that I won't jump into anything... will I? I have many people in my family that can guide me on this. Plus, I have my friend who would give me excellent advice along the way. I have to remember that Buffet started with $100.

Either way... On to the other goal today... I actually ran today... not just walked... I ran. It hurt my body, but I did it. I didn't love it, but I did it. Suppose to meet my friend in the morning at 8:15 to walk/run 3 miles. Maybe this will beat out the cigarrettes. I am so sick of them. So, why do I keep picking them up? It's not as bad as it was, but they are still such a part of my life...so sick of them...

Better hop in the bed.. Listening to "Eat, Pray, Love" ...Loving it...I had the many of the same experiences as the author...and they were good (Actually, good doesn't even begin to describe those experiences). Once you have had those experiences, they never leave you.... and you want to share them with everyone... But, that is for another day.

All in a day's work

2008-05-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, another 20 in. That's 20. Just got to figure how to invest that... hmm..

I guess what I might try to do today is get excited about what I did in the last 24 hours. What I think that I would really like to do right now is reflect about how my life was only a year ago. I was that person who was in what everyone refers to as a "funk". A serious "funk". And I was the typical person who had absolutely no reason to be in a funk.

I have the great husband and the great kids and the great dog. I get to stay home with my kids, and they are in school. What better life than that? I have college degrees, yet I want to be home when my kids get home. I love being a mom, yet I was depressed. I had been depressed for over 3 years. I was not diagnosed with it, but there was no denying it.

I had lost my purpose in life. I take that back. I think that I really never found my purpose. I think that I really never dug deep enough to really want to know what my purpose was. And, then, about a year ago, I began doing some soul searching. I guess I just got sick of being "sick". I just got sick of myself. I wanted to be a better person. I was so tired of being a sloth. I was tired of being drain on myself.

On the outside looking in, we were the perfect family. Soccer mom, well-dressed kids, husband on the rise... you know that family in the somewhat small town on the rise. But, on the inside, I was falling apart. Only those that knew me well really knew what was going on. We were all hiding it. I was losing friends and family quickly.

And, finally, like I said, last year, about this time, I made a decision, to just stop it. I turned 40, ironically. I had heard that 40 was a pivotal year for many people and it surely was for me. It was like my eyes opened for the first time. I began to see things differently. I began to finally be thankful and forgiving. I cried a lot--alot. But, they were tears of release. I just left all of that depression behind. I turned off my television, which had been my crutch. I saw my husband for the man that he was and my children for the gifts that they were and my life has been so unbelievable since.

I am summing all of that up into a neat little package. It took some time. Several months of serious thoughts, meditation (which I had never done, since I thought that was saved for the gurus of the world), reading, journal writing, and just plain letting go.

It was just my time finally to be happy. It worked on every level. I am the happiest person that I know. That is not an exaggeration. I began by saying, "OK, what do I want to do with my life now?" The first thing that popped into my head was "I want a million dollars". But, I let that go because I thought that it was a little too big and materialistic. So, then I moved on to my weight. Then, I thought the same thing-- to vain. Then, I moved on to family issues, etc. And then I decided, you know, I just want to find Love. Real love. I want to know what that is.

Well, i thought that would be the easiest, since I assumed that I was a good person. But, once I asked for that, geez, over about the next month I cried so much that Kleenex owes ME money. I was astonished by the amount of love that came flowing through me for everyone and from everyone. I just didn't know. I had just missed it by being either so busy with my own self-indulgent depression or my self-indulgent tasks to notice. There was love everywhere I looked.

Anyway, once that was accomplished, the weight issue was next, lost that quickly. So, then I lived in my new happy, loving, body for awhile. It was really like I was floating. I was 40 and had never been like this before... And just wondering how I had missed it for so long. (Yeah, I sound like a character from a Disney film).

Anyway, that is when I began to realize that maybe my first goal was what I was shooting for all along, for it was the first thing I wrote down. I had never even thought of a million dollars before. So why now? So, here we are with that. But, I knew that from reading that the road to millions leads to other roads... mainly roads of growth within yourself.

So, today was a perfect example...finally getting to the point. I have been reading as you know to go out of your comfort zone and push to be different every day. And do what you will do with success. Each success you make will lead to more... So that is my plan each day, to do something different to try to open a new door..

So...Last night at 11pm, I was out in the torrential rain with my husband and we were watching "My Chemical Romance" with my 14 year old son and 3 of his friends until 1 am. It rained the entire time. If you do not know this band, they are way beyond punk rock. I agreed to take them because 1. My son can play every song of theirs on the guitar back and forth and practices religiously 2. It was his birthday 3. To do something like that for him fills my soul to the brim

Ok. . So, we got in about 1:30 from that completely soaked and then after that there was a beautiful lightening storm happenening. It was the leftoever lightening that keeps the sky bright for about an hour after the storm. I can't resist those. I drove about a mile from our home after dropping the boys off and went to watch the storm while sitting in the car. I was just in awe of what beauty the sky can give to us if we will be patience and pay attention.

Then, when i got up, went and spent 3 hours talking with my 94 year old grandmother who is still as spry as you and I. She was thrilled to see me and one of my kiddos. It is good to have one on one time with her. She and I are very close, but I am always in a hurry going here and there, so I never really stop and sit down and listen to her stories. Today, I made a concious effort to do so. She went on a trip around the world, literally, about 30 years ago. She visited 15 countries on her trip. She told me all about it, among other things. It's easy to forget that your grandparents were once in your place. Ironically, directly behind here was a portrait of her when she in her 20's. While she was talking, I was able to picture her living as that young girl. Until that moment I had always pictured her only as my grandmother. But through her stories, I was able to picture her as she was at that time.

Afterwards, went to 3 stores to find a Powerglider for my second son. (If you have ever dealt with Wal-Marts and Targets on a Saturday afternoon, that is a &%*@ adventure in itself). A Powerglider is a scooter "thing" for kids, that has to be "easily" assembled. Yeah, right. Found it. Then came home and put it together. That was a feat that made me feel like Wonder Woman when I finished! (While this paragraph may seem like no big deal, the whole Powerglide adventure took about 4 hours. Normally, my patience would have been shot. But, before we left to go find it, I took a decent vow of patience to get through it, knowing that we would probably have to scour the city. It really made a difference deciding beforehand that I would deal with the obnoxious traffic and parking. It's a little thing, but I swear, it made a difference.)

It was just a concert. It was just a talk with my grandmother. It was just a Powerglider. But, these were 3 things that made a difference to people in my life that are important to me. They were things that taught me patience. Each little act of success leads to another. That is what I am learning...

Conversations

2008-05-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

Loving this blog. Really, I am. The reason that I even started blogging is to get my thoughts out into the open. I have heard that writing your intentions down will help to make your actions concrete. That is so true. It is helping so much. Another thing that is helping me so much is the comments that I am getting.

I feel like I am actually sitting around a table and listening to what other people are telling me when I read a comment. I know that when someone types a comment that they are just like me, sitting at their computer after reading something on my blog. That means something to me.

That was not my intial intent when I started blogging. I did not know much about it. I did not realize that there would be other people interacting with my goal. It was originally just to get the goal out of my head and onto paper so that I could "organize" it somewhat. Since it was something that I had been thinking about quite a while, I decided it was time to act on it.

There are so many things that I cannot put down in the blog in relation to our personal finances. That would be ridiculous, to say the least. But, we are at a point in our lives that this goal is something that is not out of reach for us. We are 40 and have enough education behind us that we should be able to reach this. The problem is that we don't have the right education. We have never studied investment financing.

That is something that I am starting to look into now. It is as foreign to me as the Chinese language. But, as with everything else, I have to start somewhere. I just read yesterday that Warren Buffet started with $100. That is exciting to me. I also read yesterday to spend an hour a week reading about investments, learning about investments. That is something that just never interested me and now it does. It surprises me that it does.

I have said it before that one of the main reasons that I want to do this is to grow as a person. I want to learn so many other things along the way. And that is happening. It is forcing me to get out of the habit of procrastination. To get things done now, verses waiting.

I am not a writer. I would love to be, but I am not right now. So, if this blog seems scatterbrain and "all over the place", that is one of the reasons. The other reason is because there is so much going on in my mind that I want to get out that I can't seem to write it all so I just jump from one subject to the next.

This goal is big, huge even, but not impossible. That is where my thinking has changed. Where I once thought that goals and outcomes like this were for other people, now I don't. I really don't. And I am in awe of that.

And again, thanks for comments around the table... it means a great deal. Really.

3 miles

2008-05-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

Put 1,037 dollars in! Yeah, I did! The 37 dollars was bits and peices I got from some money I got out of the bank to pay for some things that the kids were doing. There was 37 dollars left over, so I promptly put it into the Cash Stash. For those of you new to this blog, the cash stash is the investment stash that I have started. I have never done this before in my life. I just finally decided to do this. I have no idea how to do it. I am learning as I go. The more I learn about this, the better it is getting. The more I do it, the easier it is getting.

Anyway, the 1000 dollars is from savings. That money is part of the money that we got back from taxes. We put it into savings to keep to pay bills. Yeah, we have plenty like everyone else, but, we have decided to start putting some (actually, quite a bit) aside for this goal that we have. And now, when I say we, I mean my husband, too.

We have decided to of course pay the bills on time, but to not try to pay off everything first before we start investing. We want to build the investments while we are paying off the bills. Because if we wait to pay off everything, we will never invest. Because we have been saying all of our lives that we will pay off everything, and always, always, when we pay something off, we end up buying something else. Always...

Therefore, we are going to do it the way the rich do it. We are starting slow. But, that is also the way the rich do it. Everyone started somewhere. With one dollar. And, also for anyone that is new, they should know that this is not about the money. Even though as of this blog so far, it surely does sound like it. This is about the journey. To see how to improve and enjoy life along the way. How to succeed in all things as you go. For if you succeed in one thing, that leads to another.

So, as I have said before, I am trying this out everyday, and working on one thing and then another. My last blog was about boring housework, and My God, is it boring. So, as I said, I got that together over about 2 months, so that I could get it over with quickly every day and be done with it.

After my home, I went on to my vehicle. I spent about 3 days, literally, on it. Every nook and cranny. That sounds compulsive, and it was. I was determined to get it to the point that I could get in and out of it and basically just pick up whatever I had taken with me. I wanted it to look new, and I wanted to feel like I was successful in it. I wanted to be grateful for it as well. My kids are still allowed to be kids in it. They can eat in it and drink...whatever. And I don't make a scene at all about it. But, I just take the time each time throw the stuff out that was put in it. If I forget, I don't stress about it. It is just a habit now. It helps me be successful. One successful act leads to another.

Those are small examples. They seem compulsive, but honestly they are not. Like I said before, the housework takes about 30 minutes a day, and the car, about 30 seconds. But, it is the little things that help me move on to this goal.

Which brings me to the title of the blog. 3 miles. My next goal... my body. If you are someone who is in great shape who is reading this... I envy you. That is the truth. I am not overweight. I am 40 and I weigh about 150. So, that is not overweight at all. I would love to weigh 135 and be a size 8. I am a size 12 now. I can wear a size 10, but who is kidding who here? I don't want to think about my weight. I want to work on my body and just have the best body that I can have. I don't want it to be a weight issue. I don't think I even want it to be a size issue.

I want to run. I want to be in good shape. I want to have energy. What is amazing about my main goal of a million dollars is that it has made me begin to have so many other goals. I have always been very thin. The 150 is BIG for me. It has never even occured to me to work out, but now, I absolutely crave it. I mean, I am craving it.

So, the 3 miles title is to indicate that I am now walking 3 miles everyday. To those of you that work out regularly that is child's play. For me, this is a big deal. A really big deal. A success to the extreme. Again, I am proving to myself what I can do. Of course, I can walk 3 miles, but that is not the issue. WILL I walk three miles. Will I get up and do it? Will I do it every day? Will i set aside the time?

So far I have! And I am excited!

Change of thinking

2008-04-24T19:51:00.001-07:00

Listening to T. Harv Eker's Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. The thing is... listening to a book cannot change your life. That is a fact. I can listen to a million books and they are not going to make me a cent. What is happening is that with each book that I listening to, there is a change in thinking. There are so many things that are changing in my life. The way I go about every day actions is changing. The way I look at things is changing.

There are so many books out there that are on this subject. There is so much out there right now about this. People that have succeeded in one way or another are starting to put it down on paper. And one of the ways that I can also succeed is to mimic their behavior. I can learn from their lessons.

As I said in one of the earlier blogs, "The Science of Getting Rich" is such a brilliant book. It shows a successful life in such an elementary way. Just start somewhere. Be successful at one thing and then another. If you can continue on this path, there is no way that you cannot become rich. Also, fill your space. Because once you have filled the space you are in, you have to move on to another space.

All that said, I stay at home right now. My kids are in school, but I stay at home. Well, there is only so much housekeeping that one can do. I have now, since reading the above book, cleaned out every closet to the hilt, every drawer and every cabinet. I am ready to move on to something else.

My house is in perfect order and I keep it that way. I moved on to my car next. I keep it in perfect order as well. That is not to say that everything has to be at right angles or neat all the time, for I have children, but I clean it everyday, beds made up and clothes put up, dishes done, etc. EVERY DAY. No exception. It takes about 45 minutes to do it all, 30 minutes if I hussle. It keeps me from feeling like there is always something to do, and always something to clean up all day.

I am not trying to sound like I am this clean freak or anything like that, for I am not. It took me about 2 months to get my home clutter free. I recommend to everyone! It is completely freeing and makes life so easy. That was one of the first successes that I reached. And it was a success in a high order. I got rid of at least a U-Haul worth of belongings that I knew that I didn't need, and I gave them to friends or family or Goodwill. At first it was hard, but then as I saw the clean space I was creating, the more mentally able I was to begin succeeding at other things. All that clutter around my home was cluttering up my mind as well.

This may seem like a mundane task and something that may not appeal to you. But, I am telling you that it works. Succeed at one thing, and it leads to success in other areas of your life. I do not want to be a perfect housekeeper. I could care less about keeping a perfect house. I want to get up, clean my house, and get on with my day. Now I can do it completely in about an hour, and it will stay that way, for the most part, all day.

I think it is important to respect yourself and where you are. If you live in disarray, then many times it is hard to get it together. So start outwardly and then you can begin to see improvements, within you and all around you. I am watching it happen for me and it is so exciting.

Money on the brain

2008-04-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

Put 20 more in today. I think that I got that yesterday from the hubby's wallet. It is time to go to the bank again and make another deposit. Hang on, I think I need to make another trip to the hubby's wallet and get some more. I didn't do so today, and if I don't do it now, I will have skipped an entire day... Be right back. Okay, got another 20. So, that's 40 more in. For, anyone new to this, I take about 20 dollars out of my husband's wallet every day to put into CASH STASH toward my goal. It is not really stealing from him, because the money is for the two of us.

Okay, so to go back a little and explain how this came about, and this may take a few blogs to get to, last year I stumbled across a book, "The Science Of Getting Rich". I had never heard anything about anything like it. I never knew that the world could work like that. EVER. And here I was just a few days before my 40th birthday, and this book was telling me that not only was it possible for me to get rich, but it was my duty to get rich. WHAT??

That was contradictory to anything that I had ever heard of. But, the more that I read, the more that it made sense to me. Not only made sense, but was absolutely correct. And, moreover, as the title said, there is an exact science to it. And I am becoming living proof of it. But, as I have said all along....the book is more than the money. It is the living that goes along with it. Because the man who wrote it was a brilliant author, he told it better than I ever could. But, it is about how one successful act leads to another...that simple. And you just start with one.

But, of course, as simple as that is...I had to start with one simple act and then continue with that. I think that was a year ago. I think that I started with making a wish. I think that I started then. I think that I said, "I want a million dollars." And I said that very sarcastically. But, as I read on, I began to think that maybe it wasn't impossible. Before I picked up that book, I would have never believed it was possible.

I read that book over and over and over and over. I can quote so much from it that I should have a copyright on my forehead. That is why it is called faith. That is why faith becomes reality. Once you get it...you really do get it. This is not about sacrilegious beliefs, quite the opposite. This is such a spiritual journey, but it something that each person has to feel for his or her own self.

Over the past year, before I even began this goal, I did so much soul-searching. I found true happiness within. My first goal last summer was to be happy. That took some doing. I found it. I reveled in that for a long time. Then, I wanted my weight to get back to reasonable. Got it. Then, I wanted my health back. Got it. So, now, here I am. Going for the gusto. I decided to set my goal high so that I could reach for the stars. I want to travel. I want to show my kids and my friends and my family the world. I want to help my friends and family when needed. But, I also want to enjoy my life.

This is a time that money is needed to do that. That is just how society operates. So, I'll be watching for the opportunities. I'm researching what I need to. Right now, I am listening to Four Hour Work Week. Exhilarating. Hilarious. Opening my eyes to another world I didn't know about.

As always I love your comments. Thanks for all the encouragement. I'm moving on ....

Gotta say a few words...

2008-04-19T22:03:00.001-07:00

Was able to write a check for over 20 dollars at the grocery store and this morning I scammed 5 bucks out of the hubby's wallet. So, that is 25 more for the CASH STASH. Yeah, we are rolling!

As the title shows, I want to be a little serous tonight because I wrote a letter to a friend that I have known since grade school. I am 40 now and so is he. His wife was killed in a car accident 2 months ago. I wrote to him today to let him know that we were thinking of him and well, you know, whatever it is that you say. It was so hard, and it really got me thinking.

This is a man and a woman who, from the outside looking in, had it all together. Perfect life, cars, kids, job, etc... Then, well, somebody died. Now, all of their business is out there for everybody to go through. Nobody went through it in a mean-spirited sort of way. But, it ends up that he is not in the financial shape that he could have been if she would have lived. That just gets me all ways sideways. There were over 1000 people there at the funeral. Why couldn't we have given all of our money to that family. Why spend it on the damn flowers? Who cares? The family needed it. UGH!

This is the exact reason that I am going for this goal. I want to have money for this type of reason. I would love to anonymously be able to give to my friend's family whatever I found out he needed. Mortgage? Car notes? Taxes? Whatever? But, I can't do that with a little bit of cash. I have to have millions. (Well, maybe that is an exagerration, but you get the picture.)

OK, that is my tirade. We have a few spoons in the pot there, but they are stirring very slowly, but at least they are in. That industry could use a boost--- is all I'm saying....

Rich Dad

2008-04-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, put 3 more in today. Yeah, that is not as much as my 90 in from the last time. But, that is okay. I cannot worry about that. It does not faze me in the least. I am moving forward all the time. I have to know that every bit counts toward the goal. I keep saying this, and I really do mean it: THIS IS SO EXCITING! Having such a big goal and knowing that it is a reality in the making is more than I ever dreamed of.

I have always seen people on television or read about their success stories and how they talked about achieving a dream. I always thought that they were doing something that I would never be able to do. I also always wondered how they ever got started. And now here I am in the middle of it all. I am really doing it myself. I am knowing that I am going to accomplish a dream.

I have had many people ask me exactly how I am going to do this. The answer is: One day at a time. I intend to take every opportunity that presents itself to me and take it. I know that sounds like good theory. But, it is not. That is concrete reality. I will have to just have to prove that on the day by day blog.

I have no definite plan at this time of inventing anything, nor do I have a plan to invest in anything. What I do plan to do is to get a million dollars. This is something that I think of almost 24 hours a day every day. I do not obsess over it, for that is different. That would make it stressful. This is exciting. I know that it is coming my way. It is a feeling like things are turning my direction.

Back on topic, as you know by now, I am a fanatical reader on the goal at hand, so right now, I am reading Rich Dad's Financial IQ. The author drives home the point that in order to make money you need to learn HOW to make money. I did not even know that until about 8 months ago. I didn't even know that there was a mind-set to making money.

One of my very best friends that I have known since infancy is all grown up now, and he is a millionaire. He did not win the lottery. He learned how to make money. I am talking to him ALOT lately, now that I have this goal. He doesn't know that I have the goal, for fear that he will think that I want him to give me some of his. What I want from him is knowledge. He says that constantly reading and refueling with books on topic are the way to stay in the game. He says he reads 3-4 a week.

It's the old "Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime." You know I don't want to get a little money for right now. I want to learn how to get my own money. I don't have a problem with going to work. I can teach school, or be a nurse, or go into a business position. I have degrees in all three areas. I loved all three.

However, at this time in my life, I am ready to move on. I am ready for a new calling. This is what I want to do. So, Rich Dad, bring on the knowledge, I am your sponge for the next couple of days. I thank you!

My Dream

2008-04-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, as you may remember, I stole 130 dollars from my son's wallet yesterday to pay the cleaning lady. I just knew that I would get that somehow. I didn't know how. I just had faith that I would. I refused to take it out of the secret stash, which is now over 1,300. (in 2 weeks) . I am not going to mess with that. Anyway, last night late, my hubby came in and said that he had gone to a casino and won a little bit. I told him i wanted some of it. Yeah, he gave me 200. See, there, I didn't do anything to get the money. He handed to me. Ta-DA! I got my 130 to give back to my son and had 70 left over for the Cash Stash. So there! Also, I had taken 20 dollars from my husband's wallet the night before to put in the cash stash anyway. So now I am up 90 dollars total in the Cash Stash. Yeah! for me and my millions.

Switching gears now. I had a very realistic dream last night that I filled my mother in on my intentions. Now, I am married, like I said, I have 3 kids and have managed to make it through college 3 different times, landing 3 different degrees. However, my mother's opinion is so important to me. OK, so I told her, and as expected, she told me it was ridiculous. But, unlike I would have usually done, I did not back down.

I feel sure that this would have happened in real life. I just am not about to start that. I have one friend who knows about this. And my husband of course. And you all that are reading this along with me. My friend has to be nice to me now simply because she didn't put me down in the first place... she lost her chance. And my husband is actually starting to move forward a little bit with it. And of course, you guys have been so encouraging. And I am not even sure encouraging has been the right word. You are all so matter of fact about it with me.

I absolutely have no doubt about it. As long as I don't stop, it will come. And I do believe that I have mastered the science of faith. It is an art. And that is the most humbling experience I have ever encountered. And again, why it was given to me is such a long story that it will be let out over many long blogs as we go along. But, my faith is as sure as 2+2=4.

The amazing thing to me is the fact that I am looking toward this goal. Not the amount of the goal, but the goal of money. I guess because I will be able to do so much with it once I get it. I will be able to live my life to the fullest once I get it. I will be able to see the places I want to see, and help others do the same. I will be able to help others who really do need it.

While riding this road to millions however, I am sacrificing very little. We still live very happily. We have all that we need. We live in a very comfortable home. But, the point I am trying to make it the goal. I want to watch the magic occur. I want to be part of something bigger than mediocrity and everyday circumstance that happen for no reason. I want to watch things happen for a reason, and know that they are happening for me. Again, I am having a ball!

Overwhelmed by responses

2008-04-14T20:38:00.000-07:00

I put 20 more in today. Just the same ole sneaky way. Crawled into the hubby's wallet. I was gone most of the weekend, and when I came back I snuck some out and put it into the stash. I tell you, though, I was proud of myself for one thing. The ladies who clean the house came and needed cash. Well, the only cash that I had was the Secret Stash. Well, we all know that I can't touch that., right?

So, I did get sneaky there. I went into my son's wallet and pulled out 130 dollars to pay them. Uh oh. Now I am going to have to get really creative so he doesn' t miss that. See how much fun this is. I could have gone into my Secret Stash towards my m illion dollar goal, but no way. I have made this goal and I am just not going to go back on it for anything. So, tomorrow I am hoping that 130 will come to me easily to put back into my first born's wallet before he misses it.
I have faith that I will see that money. I really do. I don't know how or why....it will be.

I'm going to let that go, because it really doesn't bother me too much and I am going to take a few minutes to speak on behalf of the comments that have been coming in so much sooner than I expected them to. I would like to comment on the quality of the comments. I guess I expected the same type of comments that I would expect from the people who who claim to "love" me here in my own home and extended family and friendship. I know that they would tell me I am crazy to try this type of goal. Money isn't everything. Why am I not happy in my own life.

They just wouldn't even begin to listen to me. If they did, they would all whisper behind my back and I know that I would feel that negavite energy. That is why I started this blog. Basically to just get it out in the open for my own well-being. And wow, evey single person who has responded has given me such support. And I know very well, that anyone who has posted a blog back to me is a person just like me who can give their opinion.

I mean it when i say that I get such an overwhelming surge of positive reinforcement and feeling of emotions when such uplifting comments have been given. They feel very honest and truly heart felt. So, again, thank you.

It reminded of a friend of my son. He was with us at the grocery store. When it was time to check out my children asked if they could get a candy bar, I started to tell them yes, when the friend interrupted and said, "Well, now, I guess you do want a candy bar. And I guess you want a million dollars too, HM, how likely is that going to happen either!"

That made me so sad for that child. He has probably been told that his whole life, as have so many others. Where can he go from there? A million dollars is very likely! There is cabillionjillion dollars out there to be made if we know the way to do it. It is a matter of doing it right. But, doubting it....well, that just ain't it. And having people doubt you, that ain't it either, huh?

Well, wanted you guys to know that I feel your excitement for me. I am bowing down to you in thanks!

Happy for no reason

2008-04-12T23:04:00.001-07:00

Reading Marci Sminoff's Happy for no Reason. Got into a little rut last night. Got a little negative and wanted to stay in that mood. I thought I had a very good reason. Woke up in that mood as well. By noon , I was full blown into it.

But, then I gave in and went and downloaded Marci's Book, "Happy for No Reason". Yeah, it is good. It is picking me back up. I knew I didn't want to stay down for long. She is interviewing her Happy 100. That is SO ironic that I am reading it, because last year when I decided that I wanted to do this , I had decided that I wanted to do something very similar. But, I was going to interview my 100 favorite people and tell the to let me know what it was that they did that made them so special to me and everyone else. And then I wanted them to tell me who made them feel special, and then so on...

I feel very special that I had an idea that Marci had. For that means that I am moving in the right direction. This is exciting. She is using the exact techniques I would have used. Guess I will have to come up with something else, huh?

Anyway, the book is brilliant for anyone searching for happiness. Lifting me up!

Bring on the comments.

2008-04-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

3 more dollars. Well, that is 3 more. I didn't produce any more cash today. Nothing just manifested. So, right before I went to bed, I couldn't just leave it at that. I tiptoed into the bedroom and snatched 3 one dollar bills from the hubby's wallet. I had to, or the day would have been a waste. That is how my mind is thinking all the time. 3 is so much better than none. That is a cold, hard, fun, wealthy fact.

Another fun fact that did occur was that my husband found himself at Books a Million looking at books on the same subject of making money. If you only knew what a stretch that was for him. He hates to read. I have been doing this type of research for over a year. Of course, most of my research has been on the metaphysical side of it until recently. And he was really having none of that. He didn't discounted, he just said it was not for him.

Anyway, he is thinking maybe he is ready to get on board with this with me. I am about to bounce off the wall with excitement about this. I know like I know that this goal will occur for us. I have found that faith that I have heard so much about . Maybe I will go into that more as the blogs go on. It was a very long process with a very long history behind it.

If my husband can find his faith, that would be awesome on so many levels. I can't do it for him. The fact that he is even looking is amazing, to say the least. But, again, he will have to do it own his own. Faith and knowledge is something that is extremely personal.

This whole goal seems to be about money, but it is so much more than that. Money is the concrete goal, but I had to get happy with myself first. That came first, and that is where the soul-searching came into play. That took a lot of time. Many, many years that finally came to fantastic climax this past year. Then I just knew it my time.

Anyway, that is another story for another day. I have been thrilled to be getting my first comments. That means that there are folks that are supporting me. That is something that I know also is true. I know it with all that I am. If people take time to write comments to me, then I can really feel their energy being sent to me in support. It spurs me own in my quest. I think of their comments during my day, and I feel their support. It makes me want to fulfill my goal even more. It makes me want to encourage others to do the same.

So, for those who have commented....I say it again, you have been led here for a reason. Thank you so many times over!

It is given.

2008-04-10T20:02:00.000-07:00

1000 more! Yeah, I said it! I went from 25 dollars one day to 1000 dollars the next. And I have been on this road for a relatively short time. The thing is though, I have been on this road for quite a long time mentally. I am just now putting it into solid action.

I guess it was like everyone else. I always thought that since I didn't have a huge amount to start with that it wouldn't make a difference. So, I just made a decision to do it. I started with zero dollars and a decision, and here I am a few weeks later and 1000 dollars was put into the stash.

Here is what happened. I am a very firm believer in reading books on the subject of making money and self-improvement. The reason being that if you want to learn how to cook, you read cook books. Well, I want to learn how to make money and I want to learn how to enjoy the journey along the way. These are things that I obviously have missed for 40 years. So, I have for the past year immersed myself in both subjects.

I don't have time to read. That would take forever, right? So, I download the books to my Ipod. That seems like it would cost a fortune, right? Well, each download is about 18 dollars or so. It takes me about 4--5 days to make it through one of the books. And I usually listen to each book once and then go back and listen to others that have made a particular impact on me. So, I am spending about 20 bucks a week on books. But, they are changing my way of thinking which is in turn changing my actions. This is in turn changing my future and the future of everyone around me. It starts such an unbelievable chain reaction that the minimal costs outweigh the benefits.

I keep the ipod on doing mundane tasks or in the car when alone, at the grocery store or at ballgames. No one knows what I am listening to, all the while the inspiration that is coming in constantly is overwhelming.

Anyway, getting back to the 1000 dollars. Right now, I am listening to a book which encourages setting a small goal for the week. My goal was 100 dollars. Then I thought, No way, Let's go for 1000. This was yesterday. Yeah, yesterday! My husband came in this morning and asked me to transfer 1000 into the stash (which would normally be used for bills). It was part of the tax refund check. His original plan for that was to pay off the credit card bills.

I have explained to him that that mountain will be there regardless, and that we need to set aside a goal amount. That money cannot be touched unless it is for the goal. As long as the bills are paid, and we have a big savings, then our confidence in our future will feel secure. Then we will not feel the need to use credit cards needlessly for we will know that we have a big bank account. It is a huge cycle, but a good one. But, the cycle has to begin somewhere. It sounds like a paradox, but it is not. There would be no need to have a debt on credit cards with several hundred thousand dollars in the bank, right.

But, the catch is... we have to pay off the credit cards while building the stash at the same time. Most people would not find that fun, but, hey, I guess at 40, you find your fun where you can, huh? If we can pull this off, we will have a blast... and honestly, I have no doubt that we will.. No doubt.

So, today I have officially opened the account, the money that had been put in the stash has been put into the bank and we are on our way OFFICIALLY! Join us!

The others

2008-04-08T06:06:00.000-07:00

Put 25 more dollars in yesterday. Snagged 5 more out of my husband's wallet yesterday morning. Again, not stealing. It's my money too, you know. Just this time, the money is going toward the common goal. And it is not to be touched. I have set up an account for the goal actually. So, the goal is now officially concrete.

The other 20 came from the usual source. The grocery store. Took an extra 20 out from the checkout. Came home and put it in the stash.

I have no idea yet what I will use the money for. That is an interesting question. I have no use for a huge home. We built a large home a few years ago, and it was not all it was cracked up to be, for me anyway. It was a lot of maintenance. Of course, I had small children at the time, and maybe I was just not ready for it. I have heard that most people are not ready to handle real wealth until the age of 40. That may be true. We will have to see.

I think I am more interested in the journey of it all, as I said before. I have learned that money is after all, just paper and metal. It is what you do to make the money and how you use the money that counts. I truly do know that living life to the fullest is the joy and that the money is the perk that follows that. I know that sounds like the ultimate cliche, but I think that cliches are time tested.

I am continuing to do as much research as I can on how to accomplish this dream. It seems that most people are trying very, very hard to get rich the easy, quick way. I think that they are missing the point. While that would be great, and I will take it, I have to say that I love my life right now.

To those who would say that I sound like I am contradicting myself, I would say this: I do love my life right now, and that is why I want to improve it. Because if my life is wonderful now, how much more wonderful will it be if it keeps improving. There is no sense in remaining stagnant or going backwards. That is my purpose. Self-improvement and self- enhancement.

And I was amazed in my research to see that I am not the only one who is doing this. I found a couple of other people who started out with the same goal as I did. Only they started a couple of years ago. Maybe this was a "thing" a couple of years ago. I don't know. If so, I missed that boat. I was amazed. But, if there is anyone who wants to do this with me, please jump in. Because it is true on any plane of existence, where two or more are in agreement on something, the odds of it occuring go up tremendously. And that is a fact...

Let Hubby In

2008-04-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Put 5 more dollars in. That's 5 more. I'm moving on up. I will meet that goal yet. I really do feel very close to it. Other would definitely discourage me about this, therefore I am choosing very wisely who I talk to about this. If I feel that someone will tell me that it can't be done, they will not be told. If I feel that they will look at me with any condescension they will not be told. I do not want any reason to give up. I don't want any excuse.

I did tell my husband today. That took a lot of courage to do that. He has been the one that I have allowed to pull me down in most of my endeavours over the last 17 years. I have blamed that on him over the last years of my life. He is a very negative personality. I used that to say that was the reason for my decline. And since I finally got my act together last year and began reading and researching and found out the TRUTH about life and the real WAY that life works, I realized that it really begins with me. I am the only one that can change my situation.

At first I had no idea what the hell that meant. Then I realized that I had to change my own outlook on me. I had to figure out who I was and then everyone around me would not affect me. I did do that. It took me several months of reading and meditating...something I had never done. But, once I figured it out...I knew, and there I was happy, and there was not a whole lot that my husband could say that was going to make me unhappy again. And the thing was...I don't think he had really been trying to all along. I had just been trying to take things so damn personally. Ugh.

Anyway, things are so much better now. I went off on a tangent there. All that to say that I talked with him about this million dollar plan. He does agree, but not like I do. I told him I was doing it with or without him.. So it's out there now...

Looking for ideas

2008-04-04T20:38:00.001-07:00

Put 5 more dollars in today. I know that it doesn't seem like that is much to the outside world, but I know in my own way that it brings me closer to my goal. It is more than zero dollars closer.

I went on the internet today and punched in "How to Make a Million Dollars". I was astonished at the findings. There are so many scams it seems. But, then I wondered if they really were scams. Or were they people who were just trying to get ahead. Maybe they are just so eager to do it quickly that they were not willing to enjoy the ride.

While it is hard to wait on it when you know that it is coming, I think that research into any project might just be the key. On first glance into any of those websites, it looked like they all would be a great idea. I mean, if I could just sit at my computer and punch in rebates and make 500 a day, why wouldn't I? But, then, after looking into that racket, I saw that maybe that wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

But, then I looked into a couple of web sites that put down that type of "scam" and those people were trying to sell the complete opposite type of racket, which was to work for just 200 extra dollars a month. Well, that is not what I am looking for either.

I guess right now is just my time for research. It is interesting to say the least. And I guess I can't stress enough what a change in thinking this is for me to even have this goal. It really has been only a year ago that I was just going through the motions of life, and here I am on my way to millions!

Scouting around

2008-04-03T23:19:00.000-07:00

Put 10 more dollars in from my husbands wallet today. I wonder if he is going to notice and ask me. I doubt it. I don't want to lie to him, but I don't want to tell him either. I just don't think that he would be on board with me about this. If he were though, this would be so much bigger. When 2 or more agree on a common goal, so much more can be accomplished.

I haven't really given him a reason to trust me on goals. I have the degrees to prove that I have a stick to it kind of quality, but not in business. Or in any kind of self discipline type of situation, so this would be hard to prove. But, this one I feel in my heart, in my gut, and in my bones.

I have started doing research on wealth and money. I don't want to jump on the first thing I see, but I want to reasearch for the next few months on how you raise it, what is the first steps you take. I know that right now I am taking baby steps. And I am okay with that. When it comes time to invest, I want to know that I am doing the right thing. I have afeeling that because I am doing this right, the right thing will show up for me.

I did break down and tell my best friend about it. She didn't scoff at me like I thought that she would. I explained to her that a million dollars is a lot of money, but there is actually so much more than a million dollars out there to be had. I know that I can do this. I know that I can. I must be able to, for I feel that this is my destiny. There would be no reason for me to be aspiring to do this. Why would I even be wanting to do this. Money doesn't interest me, yet here I am wanting it. It's not the money that I want, it is the use of the money that I want. I am so excited about what I will be able to do with the money. I have the money conciousness know.

I already feel it flowing towards me and I don't know how to explain that. It is as if I am a magnat pulling it toward me. I swear that is what it feels like. I don't know where or how or when, but it is coming. I believe in this so forcefully. I don't even have a preference for how it is going to be done, which is a positive for that means that I am so open to possibilities.

No Sweet Tea.

2008-04-01T19:53:00.000-07:00

Put 40 Dollars In today! That is awesome! Seeing how easy it is to do. I just couldn't believe that I was able to do that. I took 20 dollars out of my husband's wallet this morning and put it in the Secret Stash, and then when I went to the grocery store I wrote the check for 20 dollars over the amount. Came home and put that cash into the stash.

I was not overly crazy about being miserly at the grocery store, but I was certainly concious. It was in the little things. Before, I would have bought 4 kinds of pop tarts. I bought one box. I would have bought 3 boxes of cereal; I bought one. It was little things like that. The conciousness has changed. I am again amazed at how fun this is.

It is such a good feeling to know that I have such an amazing goal. (I need to find another word verses amazing--I am wearing it a bit thin, but since this is my first stab at writing anything, it will have to do for awhile.)

One big accomplishment that I made today was driving past a restaurant on the way home from the grocery store. I had a craving for the sweet tea that I get there a couple of times a week. I actually pulled into a parking space in front of the restaurant. I opened the console and saw the 20 dollar bill that I had just received from the grocery store. I knew that I purposely got that 20 to put into the stash toward my million dollar goal. I have made a vow not to touch that money. Even it was only for a cup of sweet tea.

I pulled out of the parking space, leaving the craving behind. That may seem very trivial, but it was something that I would not have done a week ago. It was a thought that would not have even occured to me. This is exciting. A million dollars awaits. I would love to have my husband in on this with me. I wonder how much I will have to save before I can tell him about it. I would imagine several thousands, maybe tens of thousands, huh?

I read that you can only tell of your goals after you have accomplished them so that you cannot be talked out of them. I see why now...

The Secret Stash

2008-03-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

I added 5 more dollars today. That 5 dollar bill was in the "petty cash" box that I keep in the cabinet. I usually just grab money out of there whenever I feel like it. I have never really payed any attention to that, and we usually just spend it on junk. Really. Now, it is an adventure just to not do that.

It's not even about budgeting. That is not fun. This is fun. Trying to find ways to add to the stash is actually a fun thing for me. The fact that no one knows about this. The fact that I have an unbelievable goal that I am going to attain and that while doing so, I am going to help so many people, makes me feel so much joy!

When I say that it is a Secret Stash, I by no means am implying that I am keeping anything from my husband. It is his money too. I have always taken money from his wallet. That is how I get any money that I have to spend since I do not work outside the home. He doesn't really keep track of that, so he has no idea that I am keeping a little (for now) stash.

I will soon have to open a large account for it all. I don't really want him to know about it, for I am not sure that he would be on board with this plan with me. His faith is not as solid as mine is. That does not make me superior at all. I have said before that I have spent a year learning the science of faith, but when I actually discovered faith and knowledge for my own, it was like I was seeing the world in a new light. So, I have no doubt that my goal will be attained.

What I fear is that if I were to tell him of my vision and my goal, he will not see it the same as I do, and want to start digging into the stash after a few thousand dollars. Well, that will get us nowhere. A million....that is the goal. That is when people listen. That is when people are ready to start taking you seriously.

Also, I would love to have input from anyone who is reading who can help me with my on going cigarette habit. I am at least concious each puff now. Which is better than i was. I am at least buying the cigarettes one pack at a time which slows me down, but I am still not a non-smoker. How long will that take. I would love to quit. Well, that is not true. I don't want to quit. I just honestly feel that if I do quit, that will be the first discipline to catapult me towards my first real step for my million. And I can move on aggressively. So, any help through prayers or thoughts or comments there would be appreciated.

That's it for tonight...Looking forward to tomorrow, don't see any prospects for money at the moment, so we will see which green paper makes it way to my stash!

50 More...

2008-03-30T21:24:00.000-07:00

Put 50 more dollars in! Wow, that is quite an increase from one dollar that I put in 2 days ago.

I managed to do that by taking 20 dollars out of my husband's wallet this morning and putting it promptly into the secret stash. Then I took 20 more dollars out to take to my daughter's swimming party.

I planned to spend that if I needed to on snacks for the kids. While there, I was able to put them off on the snacks by telling them that we were there to swim and have fun. They accepted that. They had a good time and did not starve.

Before this new shift in thinking about saving money, I would have probably spent the entire 20 bucks on needless snacks and cokes. Instead, I came home and put that money into the stash. The kids missed having the snacks out of the snack machine a little bit, but they did not fuss about it much. And, it felt really good to know that this was something that I could do.

I have always been one to just needlessly spend that kind of money. I have probably always spent about 10 dollars on vending machines for our family. I don't regret it, for I am a big fan of "fun in the moment". But, I am seeing that there are other ways to have fun in the moment that do not involve money. I am not saying that it is wrong to use the vending machines, but it not the way I am going to chose to have my fun anymore.

It is fun to me now to see how much I can build this secret stash. I am the only one who knows that I have it, and to watch it grow is going to be a ball.

I am going to use this money in such a wise way to benefit the people that I love and the people that I know who need it when the time comes. Having just a few thousand dollars won't really benefit anyone very much. But, having a million dollars would benefit many people a great deal, now won't it? And it will be very interesting to see how I can see that million dollars grow.

Anyway, I have accounted for 40 of the 50 dollars. The other 10 dollars just appeared in the console of my car. I swear to you that it just appeared there. I do not remember it being there yesterday. I have read that this will happen. That things just start coming to you once you get into the mindset of what you want.

I am very certain that I want it for the right reasons. I have to be sure that I keep myself in the right frame of mind, and I don't begin to get greedy, for that will offset my purpose in all of this.

Getting back onto my other goal. The smoking. I did not do so well with that. I held off for about 7 hours the other day. I took my last puff of that cigarette in the last blog.

The problem was that I knew that I would go and get another pack. I have not made that definite decision to stop smoking. I know that decision will help me so much on this journey. I need some self discipline.

I am hoping that writing out my purpose will help me in this. I am hoping that there will be people who will read this and go on this journey with me and encourage me and help me through this part of this.

So, again, if you are here, and you are reading this, I have no doubt that you have been led here. I am grateful to an unbelieveable extent for you that you have taken the time to read this.

O.K. I will go for this day. This was a good day for my goal. 50 dollars more! And I am only a few days into it. That is incredible!

One more dollar...

2008-03-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

Put one more dollar in the stash. That's one more dollar. But, that is not the point. The journey is the point. Right now I am focusing on getting myself disciplined to receive what is going to come. I have been staying at home for almost four years. During that time, I have become very lazy. I have been smoking cigarettes and watching TV for most of it. That is a horrible way to be. Those are the two habits that I want to quit the most.

I know that one of the main roads to riches is to grow from within. I cannot receive anything materially if I am not happy with myself. For the most part, I am estatic with myself. But, those two habits drive me crazy, and they are so counterproductive to my goal.

My whole life revolves around the stupid cigarettes. Anyone who smokes fairly regularly knows this. I have stopped buying them by the carton, but that hasn't really helped. I know that I just have to make the decision to stop. Not wish it, but proclaim it. Why am I not doing that? I have decided that I am going to make the million dollars, so what is causing me to hold on to this other habit so forcefully?
Right after I finish this blog I am planning on going to the store and buying a couple of packs of cigarettes. Why is that? Because I don't have anything else really to fill the time that I want to do with it. That is the issue I guess.

I love the smoking so much. Why is that? It makes my head hurt and it makes me so tired. I sleep alot, too. I must get myself to a point that I am ready to go forward with this. I must make myself a non-smoker. I must make the decision to stop this habit.

I just took the last puff of the last cigarette. Can I make the decision to not go to the store and buy some more? I have read more than once to just say it. I am a non-smoker. It is no longer a desire, it is a decision.

I have not only read it, I have talked to many who have stopped and that is just what they did. Most of them just stopped. Just like that. Can I do it?

I know that this is the one of the first steps on my road to riches. To claim self-mastery from within. There are people who fast to claim self-discipline and to gain control. This would be the ultimate test for me.

I am here by myself for about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week most of the year. I have so much time to gain all the money that I want, and I am wasting it by watching TV, smoking cigarettes and sleeping.

That is the frustrating part. I hear folks all the time saying that other people have all the money and they just don't get any of the breaks. I have every break that anyone else has. My husband works and I am able to stay home. I can use that to explore so many opportunities. That is what I have decided to do.

I am done with this passive side of life. I am ready to go. Let's see how I do. My first obstacle is erasing the TIVO of all the shows that I am so addicted to and to stop this smoking.

But, how do I find out who won American Idol, Top Chef, Big Brother, etc.? How do you go to bed before 2AM? How do I change habits? Those are the things that I will explore on this blog and I am excited about this journey and the life changing experience that I want you to go through with me that will lead me to one million dollars.

And from what I have read from so many people, that once it starts coming, it starts coming so fast that I will wonder where it has been so long... and why I had never discovered it before now.

The Richest Man In Babylon

2008-03-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

One of the main things that I have done for the past year is read and read and read. I can not keep my hands off anything that I believe will help me grow stronger mentally. This is totally new for me, compared to the way I have been my whole life. Out of that reading I have become a new and happier person.

However I am now striving for much bigger goals. I want to be completely happy. One of the ways that i can be happy is to make those around me happy. And One of the main ways to make others happy is to have money. Lots of it, to help them out when they need it. So, I am going for the big one--one million dollars.

I am almost finished with "The Richest Man in Babylon". It should be a must read for anyone and everyone who wants to aquire any type of wealth or success in life. I wish it would be required of every high school student. I will make my children read it for sure.

Anyway, one of the first lessons in this timeless book is to keep one tenth of whatever you gain for yourself and tuck it away for later. That is such a small part of the book that will be used later on, but I started my road to my millions yesterday. My first small step on to my "green money road".

First, at the grocery store, after getting groceries, I wrote a check for $10 over the grocery price and put it in a special stash I would begin. Then that night when my husband went to bed I went and put my greedy little nubs into his wallet and took $20 from his wallet. Then tonight I took five one dollar bills. So, there you go in a little over 24 hours, I went from $0-$35.

Now, you may see only 35 dollars. But, one of the big lessons is that once the money starts coming, it will keep coming. That is what i have learned from all the reasearch I have been doing. You must know this. Never forget it. It will come from very unexpected places if you hold on to very scientific faith that it will. But, the faith has to be unwaivering.

Guess what, I found a $20 bill in a coat I had not worn in a while just after I put the 35 dollars in the secret stash.....yeah, I did.....So, for a first day on my journey...not too shabby.... Thank you!

Yes, Einstien, it is a friendly universe!

An Invitation...

2008-03-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

I want to say that if you are reading this, then you were led here. I don't want to get too wierd about it all, but really... why else would you be reading my page? If you are here...please stay and experience this with me. I have no doubt that this is going to happen for me. I have spent the last year learning what makes successful people successful. What I found was that they journey is 90% of the success. The money is the reward.

I am looking so forward to my journey. I absolutely cannot wait to wake up everyday and see what my life is going to be like every morning. This has been the absolute best year of my life. Before that, well.... Let's just say, my eyes have been opened to a world that I just never knew existed.

Throughout my blog, I am sure that my empty profile will be found out with the stories that I will tell. You can not live on this earth for 40 years and not know loads of people. I am not quite yet ready to reveal my full identity, for I don't want charity in this endeavor. I would like to see how this million dollars is going to work its way into my life. I want to watch the magic occur.

I will say this. I started with zero dollars to my name on this. That is not to say that I do not live a very comfortable life. I do. I am married and am not working. I have 3 college degrees, but am currently staying home raising my children who are in school. But, I am 40 now and for some reason that is the majic age that makes or breaks a lot of folks and becomes a turning point. It has turned me for sure.

My husband is the bread winner for us, and he does well. I am ready to do well, too. But, my children require a lot of my time, so it will be interesting to see how I am going to do this. But, do it I will. I am so incredibly ready to get started making my million, raise three kiddos (and do it well) and take the readers of this blog with me so that you can certainly see that you can do it too. For, I have absolutely no doubt that it is going to happen! I just cannot wait!

Starting from Zero...

2008-03-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I decided that I would make one million dollars. Until today, I had done nothing about it. But, that is all changing now. I hope you will join me on my journey.